A McSweeney’s Kickstarter Update!

* * *

We need just 379 more backers (at any amount—even $1!) in order to get an additional $20,000 from MailChimp. Their support is within reach—and will go a long way toward helping us get more great writing into the world—but we need everyone’s help to get there! If you’ve already backed this campaign, your pledge will count toward the backer challenge. We can’t thank you enough for supporting us!

Visit our Kickstarter page to pledge your support.

hide announcement


- - - -

Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

- - - -
Alien vs. Predator
by Christopher Monks (8/13/2004)

Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-gerunded
by Ian Carey (8/10/2004)

Variations on “Spanking the Monkey” That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation
by Emily Lloyd (8/6/2004)

Sexual Euphemisms That Won’t Catch On
by Benjamin Kharakh (8/3/2004)

Featured Attractions at This Year’s Department of Homeland Security Pep Rally
by Audrey Ference (8/3/2004)

Sentences and Short Dialogues Incorporating Names of Countries in the Middle East
by Michael Degnan (8/3/2004)

Life Lessons (a.k.a. Tips From the Mario Brothers Instruction Booklet)
by Sue Marucci (7/29/2004)

A Hand-by-Hand Description of My Face During a Recent Poker Tournament
by James Kuhl (7/29/2004)

Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies
by Chris Steck (7/29/2004)

Levels of the Mercalli Scale of Seismic Intensity Whose Descriptions Roughly Approximate the Effects of Consuming a Commensurate Number of Beers
by Mike Johns (7/27/2004)

Possible Names for a Third Team of Pickup Basketball Players If Shirts and Skins Are Already Taken
by Bret Turner (7/27/2004)

Fake Samarian Gods Referenced in the Motion Picture Ghostbusters, or Surnames of Professional Hockey Players
by Jared Young (7/27/2004)

Other Statements at Concerts That Caused Riots
by Austin Sidley and Max Luker (7/23/2004)

Things I’d Rather Do Than Go See Catwoman
by Benjamin Kharakh (7/23/2004)

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry
by Ryan Boudinot (7/23/2004)

Quotes From the Announcers of Wrestlemania XX Which Were, but Should Not Have Been, Meant in All Seriousness
by Joseph M. Ippolito (7/14/2004)

A Hard Day’s Night
by Brendan Hill (7/14/2004)

Car Names Which, When Preceded by the Word “Anal,” Sound Like Bad Porn
by Rebecca Anderson (7/14/2004)

Good Names for Vicious Dogs
by Ed Page (7/14/2004)

What’s Up Next for Jack Layton’s Mustache?
by Joe O'Neill (7/6/2004)

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients’ Fears About Their Looming Surgeries
by Tiffany Torres (7/6/2004)

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like
by Brandon Rogers (7/6/2004)

Playlists on Dick Cheney’s iPod
by Ryan Boudinot (7/2/2004)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
by Litsa Dremousis (6/24/2004)

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles
by Christina Delia (6/24/2004)

Downsized Works of Literature
by J.D. Finch (6/24/2004)

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine
by Rachel Axler (6/24/2004)

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists
by B.M. Lilley (6/18/2004)

Andrew W.K.‘s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson’s Poetry?
by John McRae (6/18/2004)

Words That at First Glance Appear to be The Names of Warring Populations in Bad Science-Fiction Novels, but are Actually Strange Marsupials
by Carrie Cizauskas (6/18/2004)

Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation?
by David Chambers (6/11/2004)

Judy Blume’s Lesser-Known Philosophy Texts
by Sam Thielman (6/11/2004)

List of Soothing Musical Terms or Potentially Deadly Biological Weapons
by Jason McGregor (6/2/2004)

Punch Lines Suggested by Ashton Kutcher for Punk’d that Were Rejected Due to Their Archaic Nature
by Afsheen Family (6/2/2004)

Dialects of the Common Bumblebee
by Michelle Orange (6/2/2004)

Plant-Animal Hybrids that May Result from Genetic Engineering
by J.D. Smith (5/24/2004)

What I Actually Mean When I Say I Love You: Thirty Scenarios
by Shelley McIntyre (5/24/2004)

Wasploitation Flicks
by Peter Schooff (5/24/2004)

Eighteen Very Early and Oft-Forgotten James Bond Films
by Andrew Howley (5/19/2004)

Erotic Presidential Names
by Patrick W. Gavin (5/19/2004)

Popular Song Titles which Have Been Altered So as Not to Offend the Very Prudish
by Paul Kaloper (5/19/2004)

Love Isn’t…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (5/13/2004)

C-Span Reality Show Ideas Seeking to Capitalize on the Popularity of VH1’s Bands Reunited
by Dave Wilson (5/13/2004)

Apart from an Angel Getting Its Wings, Other Things That Happen Every Time a Bell Rings
by Bryan Hughes (5/13/2004)

Excerpts from Love: Family Style — How to Have a Happy Home By Dr. Clarence W. Kerr with Nathanael Olson, Cited Here in Support of President Bush’s Marriage-Advocacy Initiatives or the Blessed Institution of (Heterosexual) Marriage
by A.E. Sousa (5/7/2004)

Biological Terms or Theories that Sound Made Up
by Emma Sheppard (5/7/2004)

Playground Toys Unsuitable for Children
by Joshua Seely (5/7/2004)

My Heart Belongs to Puff Daddy: Proposed New Names for Sean “P. Diddy” Combs in Honor of St. Valentine’s Day
by Melissa Bell (5/3/2004)

Sensations I Would Have Gladly Endured for a Full Thirty Minutes in Lieu of the Eight Months of Constant Discomfort Resulting from a Pinched Sciatic Nerve (the Longest Nerve in the Body)
by Matt Sherman (5/3/2004)

Rethinking Horse Proverbs
by Joseph O'Brien (5/3/2004)

Recently Purchased Fruits that Are Hairy on the Inside or Outside
by Jonathan Rivnay (4/27/2004)

Kentucky Derby Winner or Kentucky Headhunters Song Title?
by Eric Hamiter (4/14/2004)

Selections from the Nixon/Haldeman Conversations of a Somewhat Compromised Historical Significance
by Jane Laughlin and Shauna McKenna (4/14/2004)

Selected Messages from the More Than 600 Posted on Yahoo News in Response to a Story About the University of Wisconsin at Madison Developing an Ultraviolet Laser to Slice Cheese by “Blasting Apart the Molecular Bonds.”
by Frank Bures (4/14/2004)

More Actual Entries From Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (4/7/2004)

Twenty Miscellaneous Authors from My Dorm Bookshelf, with Corresponding Airport Codes
by David Andrew Shook (4/7/2004)

Bad Names for Undercover Police Officers
by Wendy Molyneux (4/4/2004)

Titles of B-Movie Westerns that Give the Impression the West Was Wilder Than Previously Imagined
by Jim Ruland (4/4/2004)

Currently Available Stock Symbols that Might Lead to an Underwhelming IPO
by Brian Sack (4/2/2004)

Anachronisms in Russell Crowe’s Films
by Timmy Waldren (3/23/2004)

Alcoholics Anonymous Slogans as Eleven Murder Mystery Titles and One Spy Thriller Title
by Mark Jensen (3/23/2004)

Random Passages Culled from Novels I Edited While Working at a Vanity Press
by Ken Mondschein (3/23/2004)

Grammatically Incorrect Sentences in the Space of Four Paragraphs in One Lesson of the Indiana Aware Driver Hoosier Ez Course Online Traffic School
by Jason Bredle (3/23/2004)

Possible Rhymes by Ice Cube After Being Knighted by the Queen
by Grant Vaught (3/23/2004)

Gospel Song Titles that Sound Dirty
by Angelo Young (3/19/2004)

Suggested Masters Thesis Titles Making Use of Puns on a 1983 Marvin Gaye Classic
by Jenny Kim and Michael Ward (3/19/2004)

Frequently Asked Questions About Expungements, According to the Website www.uslawbooks.com
by Afsheen Family (3/19/2004)

Selected Ohio University Undergraduate Honors Thesis Titles, 1999-Present, as Found on the Ohio University Honors Tutorial Website
by Caroline Nagy (3/15/2004)

Reported Legal Case Opinions Pertaining to or Mentioning Coleslaw
by John W. Vinson (3/15/2004)

Rejected Titles for Teen-Health Pamphlets
by Rachel Summer Tupelom (3/9/2004)

Eight Ways to Not Get Hit In the Face with a Brick
by Luke Hackney (3/9/2004)

Adjectives that, Depressingly, Apply to Various Products In My Bathroom but Not to Me, Personally
by Brendan Hill (3/7/2004)

PGA Golfers Who Might Have a Future in the Porn Industry
by Alex Gordon (3/7/2004)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Scalps and Scallops
by Michael Ward (2/27/2004)

Other Unfortunate Uses for Johnny Cash Songs
by Kenda Burrack (2/22/2004)

Duck, Duck, Goose
by Michael Ward (2/22/2004)

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful
by Angela Genusa (2/22/2004)

Things Editorial Assistants Should Never Say to Senior Editors
by Stephen Karam (2/22/2004)

New Age Statements From Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How to Do It! (Avon Books, 1984)
by Brendan Short (2/22/2004)

Possible Good Rock Band Names Inspired by the Korean Central News Agency’s Press Release Entitled “DPRK, Dignified Powerful Nation.”
by Joey Hemmelgarn (2/22/2004)

Major Hollywood Productions that Kill Off the Only, or Only Important, Black Character in the Film
by Cameron D. Holley (2/22/2004)

Reasons You Should Not Place Your Foot onto the Street When a Car Is Coming, Even If You Are Curious About How It Would Feel If a Car Ran over Your Foot
by Jay Wexler (2/22/2004)

New Movie Reviews from Ebert & Roeper
by Steve Caldes (2/22/2004)

Actual Dialogue from Radio Commercials That I’ve Been Asked to Deliver “Believably” As If Normal People Would Say Such Things
by Brian Sack (2/16/2004)

Shakespearean Magnet Poetry and ’80s Hair Bands
by Jennifer Carlson (2/9/2004)

Places I’ve Walked Into with a Confident Swagger Despite Public Warning
by Wells Oliver (2/5/2004)

Who and What Was Most Likely Responsible for the Births of Our Current Democratic Presidential Candidates
by Adam Brown (2/5/2004)

Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies
by Jason McGregor (2/5/2004)

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or “The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules.”
by Ben Skoch (1/28/2004)

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
by J.D. Lewis (1/28/2004)

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks
by Darby Larson (1/20/2004)

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu
by Millie de Chirico (1/15/2004)

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays
by Darryl Humber (1/15/2004)

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me
by Cate Carlson (1/15/2004)

3 People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of J. Papastavridis’ “Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians” in the Bulletin of the American Mathematics
by Charles Ullmann (1/13/2004)

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?
by Terra Morais (1/13/2004)

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or “As Seen on TV” Products?
by Natalie Dietz (1/13/2004)

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries
by Patrick W. Gavin (1/7/2004)

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of “Black Betty” in the Song “Black Betty,” Which Is Perhaps Better Known as “Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam.”
by Evan Billings (1/4/2004)

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists
by Josh Fischel and Michael Ward (12/21/2003)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by donating to our Kickstarter campaign.