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Things My Boss Said to Me Without Elaborating
by Isaiah Dufort (7/22/2005)

Special-Interest Bike Shops
by Marin Aldridge (7/22/2005)

Admirable Activities for Suburban Residents That Sound Wholly Unremarkable When Performed by Superheroes
by Tim Vanderburg (7/22/2005)

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced
by Eric Feezell (7/15/2005)

Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station
by Conley Wouters (7/15/2005)

Rides From the Amusement Park of My Collective Memory
by Mark Alexandre Fortin (7/13/2005)

Things Pandora Could Have Opened That Wouldn’t Have Produced Such Unpleasant Results
by Devin McGinty (7/12/2005)

Unhelpful Clues Given by Jan-Michael Vincent During an October 1983 Taping of The New $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do at a Party”
by Aaron Starmer (7/11/2005)

My Personal Mottoes
by Brian Beatty (7/7/2005)

What to Think About When Two “Grown Adults” Come and Complain to You About How They Cannot Get Along With Each Other at Work
by Dave Best (7/7/2005)

Things My Family Prefers Over Gay Marriage
by Will Bilyeu (7/7/2005)

Authorial Candy Bars, With Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren’t as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar
by Jonathan Shipley (6/29/2005)

Christmas Presents I Would Consider Giving Mr. Belvedere Were He My Personal Manservant
by CT Kelley (6/29/2005)

The Mall’s Banana Republics for the New Millennium
by Kate Hahn (6/24/2005)

The Extended Family of Thespian Rip Torn
by Patrick Cassels (6/24/2005)

Future Winners of the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest
by Roy Futterman (6/24/2005)

The Most Beautiful Men in the World
by Runjit Chandra (6/21/2005)

Things Not Overheard at a Conceptual-Art Gallery Opening
by Jason Persse (6/21/2005)

Ad Slogans That Would Be Perfect for Levitra, But, Unfortunately, They Have Already Been Used
by Hart Seely (6/21/2005)

Actual Examples of Model Conversational Phrases That the Travel Guide Les Etats-Unis Dans Votre Poche: Edition Bilingue (Haiter, 1980) Felt Were So Central to the Experiences Likely to be Undergone by French Visitors to America That It Included Them on
by Beth Maynard (6/15/2005)

Half-Assed Erotic Film Classics
by Michael Rodman (6/15/2005)

Things That, If Knowing Is Half the Battle, Might Be the Other Half
by Nico Vreeland (6/15/2005)

Top Three Things Q*bert Is Pissed About Today
by Mike Singer (6/13/2005)

Discarded Titles for Toni Braxton’s 1996 Hit “Unbreak My Heart.”
by Thomas Desmond (6/8/2005)

How Other School Subjects Would Be Spelled by People Who Refer to the Three R’s As “Reading, ’Riting, and ’Rithmetic.”
by Cecil Hoff and Rich Mehrenberg (6/3/2005)

Fish Names That Sound Like Unfortunate 7th-Graders
by Jeanne P. Fratello (6/3/2005)

Boner: Noun, Informal, a Blunder or an Error
by Lucas Klauss (6/1/2005)

Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard
by Jez Burrows (6/1/2005)

How to Tell If Your Vegetarian Girlfriend Has Been Sneaking Meat
by Jennifer Neely (6/1/2005)

Pickup Lines: The First Drafts
by Mark Vanderhoff (5/27/2005)

Upcoming and Much-Needed Thomas Frank Titles
by Kevin Shay (5/26/2005)

Reasons I Don’t Feel Like I’m Family When at the Olive Garden
by Matthew Rorem (5/20/2005)

Things That Are Just Barely Thicker Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows
by Morgan Day Frank (5/20/2005)

Pickup Lines Used by Mario
by Christopher Doody (5/20/2005)

Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber
by Patrick Cassels (5/18/2005)

Ways in Which Free to Be You and Me Damaged My Future Relationships With Women
by Roy Futterman (5/17/2005)

Folk Instruments or B-Movie Monsters Fought by Gamera?
by John Holowach Jr. (5/17/2005)

Soup Blurbs
by Travis Cloud (5/17/2005)

Movies Russ Meyer Could Have Produced to Make a Government’s Budget Process Appear More Exciting
by Matt Arnold (5/13/2005)

Jobs Mickey Goldmill Got Fired From Before Becoming Rocky Balboa’s Beloved Coach
by Jonathan Shipley (5/13/2005)

Tools or Actions in Photoshop That, Were They Applicable to Real Life, Would Prove Useful at Various Stages of a Relationship
by Michael Lascarides (5/13/2005)

Popular Singers Inspired by Fats Domino and Chubby Checker
by Dan Guterman (5/12/2005)

Fun Facts About Chinese President Hu Jintao, as Conveyed by American Culture
by Michael Ward (5/12/2005)

Things Heard During John Cage’s Folsom Prison Performance of “4’33”."
by Aaron Burch, Christopher Monks, Elizabeth Ellen, Jensen Whelan, Jim Ruland, Matthew Simmons, Melissa Bell, Pasha Malla and Steven Seighman (5/12/2005)

Comments Overheard at a Brainstorming Meeting Between Ted Nugent and the Editors of Gourmet Magazine Where They Were Discussing the Upcoming Book Gourmet Magazine’s Vegan Cooking With Ted Nugent
by Aaron Starmer (5/11/2005)

Three Items at the Supermarket I See in a New Way, Now That I’ve Read Some Books on Literary Theory
by Matthew Simmons (5/10/2005)

Song Titles, Before Editing for Language Efficiency and Clarity
by Jack Schneider, Moses Rifkin and Paul Sacchetti (5/10/2005)

Selections From the Beatles’ Catalog, Had the Band Evolved Not Toward the Adoption of a More Experimental Sound in Its Later Years, but Into Rorqual Whales
by Eric March (5/6/2005)

From the Prog Rock Ice Cream Shoppe: Flavors Inspired by a Certain Canadian Power Trio
by Matt Bull (5/6/2005)

New Radiohead Material to Be Debuted at a Benefit Show to Protest Privatization of the Postal Sector
by Jez Burrows and Michael Jenkins (5/6/2005)

Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
by Amy Adoyzie (5/4/2005)

Things I Imagine My Boss Does When He Goes Home for the Night
by Nick Pyle (5/4/2005)

Last Names Clearly Derived From Ancestral Professions
by Sam Means (5/3/2005)

The Settings That Would Be On a Blender Today If the Blender Had Been Invented, Say, 100 Years Before Its Actual Invention Date of 1922
by Steve Schneider (5/2/2005)

Reasons We Can’t Have a Baby, Honey
by Geoff Smith (4/29/2005)

Titles of Sermons to Which Congregants Might Actually Pay Attention
by Jason Kellett (4/29/2005)

Good Casino Ads / Bad Things for Someone to Say About Your Mom
by Molly Dolan (4/29/2005)

Translated Thoughts and Questions That Are Running Through a North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum in the United States, Settles Down, Turns on the Television, and the First Thing He Sees Is a Fancy Feast Cat-Food Commercial
by David Aldridge (4/26/2005)

Actual Ways I Have Been Flirted With That, in the Future, I Wish You Would Refrain From, With Explanations as to Why, and Suggestions for Alternative Methods
by Aimee Hennessy (4/22/2005)

Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock ‘n’ Roll
by Eric March (4/22/2005)

Fortune-Cookie Sayings That Are Misleading and, At Times, Dangerous When Used as Road Signs
by Justin Kahn (4/22/2005)

Kanye West’s Lyric “The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That’s the Way I Need Jesus,” Adapted for Other Religions
by Martin Bell (4/20/2005)

Reasons to Fear Canada
by Sean Carman (4/20/2005)

The Next Thing Said After Select Famous Phrases
by Marc Tyler Nobleman (4/20/2005)

Chapter Headings on the Directions for IRS Form 1040 That Will Become the Titles of Best-Selling Thrillers by John Grisham, C.P.A
by Eric Silver (4/15/2005)

Sentences That, If Used by Judges in a Spelling Bee, Would Prove Totally Unhelpful to Contestants Attempting to Derive the Meaning of the Word
by Jack Schneider and Moses Rifkin (4/15/2005)

Selected Passages From the Bible: The King (Fred) Phelps Version
by Owen Morris (4/15/2005)

Things That Did Not Stay in Vegas
by Frayn Masters and Kevin Sampsell (4/9/2005)

Live-Action Role-Playing Spells I Could Really Use, Right Now
by Daniel Manning (4/9/2005)

What I Thought a Co-worker Meant When She Said “I Hope Things Don’t Get Weird” After We Had Sex, and What She Really Meant, It Turns Out
by Chris Wallace (4/6/2005)

Sex is Like Pizza Because…
by Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead (4/6/2005)

Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations
by Martin Bell (4/6/2005)

Things You Will Still Be Able to Do After the Collapse of Society As We Know It, Provided Your Postapocalyptic Vision Aligns With Kevin Costner’s
by Joseph Faison (4/5/2005)

’80s Lineups That Read Like Tabloid Headlines
by Evany Thomas (4/5/2005)

Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer, or the Belligerent Asshole Who Just Cost Me My Job at the Bar?
by Brett Burns (4/1/2005)

Ten Very Hip Poems That Didn’t Go Over So Well at the Poetry Slam Last Weekend
by Kevin Holiday (4/1/2005)

Sure Signs Your Vegan Co-op Has Been Taken Over by the Marx Brothers
by Claire Harlan-Orsi (4/1/2005)

Self-Delusional Statements Made by My First (And Hopefully Last) Ex-Fiancé
by Lynette Cain (3/30/2005)

Unspoken Afterthoughts to Childhood Catch Phrases
by Matthew Zils (3/30/2005)

Three Things I Learned While Using the Lavatory at Local Boston-Area Restaurants
by Jonathan Pickering (3/30/2005)

Failed Soft-Drink Product Names
by Rob Eccles (3/28/2005)

Example Sentences From A Chinese-English Dictionary (Revised Edition), Beijing: Foreign Languages Teaching and Research Press, 1997
by Phil Tinari (3/28/2005)

The Primary Series of Poses in Yoga for Depressives
by Carmen Nobel (3/28/2005)

Types of People and Things That Have Been Shot by Charles Bronson
by Seth Fried (3/28/2005)

Implausible Claims Made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit “Ice Ice Baby.”
by Doug Erickson (3/25/2005)

Dance Moves the Man-Mountain Standing in Front of Me at Beastie Boys Last Night Amused Bystanders With and How One Might “Feel” If One Performed Them
by Marieke Hardy (3/25/2005)

Cinematic Expressions of Inner Self-Loathing If There Were No Mirrors to Smash
by Ross Murray (3/18/2005)

A List of Phrases, Common in Our Language, That Become Awkward in a Dimension of Unending Pain
by Aaron Esser-Kahn (3/18/2005)

Clocks Ranked According to the Ease With Which One Can Tell Time From Them (Easiest to Hardest)
by Allie Oestreich (3/15/2005)

Names That Could Possibly Pass as Cries of Passion If Accidentally Yelled During Sex With Anyone Not So Named
by Emily Lloyd (3/15/2005)

Seven Items Found in Hugh Hefner’s Overnight Bag
by Scott Leslie (3/14/2005)

Things You Don’t Expect to Find on a McDonald’s Reader-Board Menu
by Jonathan Shipley (3/4/2005)

Current Football Players If They Decided to Spell Their Last Name Like Brett Favre
by Jason DeLorenzo (3/4/2005)

Western States Maladies
by Jim Connelly (3/4/2005)

Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters
by Adam Koford (3/1/2005)

Thirteen Leading Synonyms for “Deliverables” in 2005
by Angela Genusa (3/1/2005)

Names Gas-Station Attendants Call Me That Leave Me Feeling Both Slightly Superior and Subtly Overwhelmed
by Rob Eccles (3/1/2005)

The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard
by Laurence Hughes (2/25/2005)

Possible New Terms for the Old and Tired Term “Brainstorming.”
by Ed Davis (2/25/2005)

Terminology From a Veterinary Textbook and Potential Names for Hardcore Bands
by K. Thom and Steve Jacobek (2/25/2005)

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As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.