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Words to Know When Listening to German Industrial Music
by Asa Pillsbury (11/18/2004)

Signs Your Doctor May Be Coming On to You
by Wendy Molyneux (11/17/2004)

Why the Lone Ranger Gave Up His Cell Phone
by Greg Howard (11/12/2004)

Why Hollywood Hates the Metric System
by David Cristofano (11/12/2004)

Other Things Donna Summer Might Have Been Seeking When Singing “Hot Stuff.”
by Peter Cunniffe (11/10/2004)

Cruel Nicknames for Overweight Vampires
by Amy Cassner-Sems, Cal Clinchard, Marty Sems and Nathan Chandler (11/10/2004)

Rappers I Thought Were Asian
by Sujan Hong (11/10/2004)

Action Verbs to Use Sparingly on Résumés
by Dave Ash (11/5/2004)

Sentences Containing Surfing Terms That May Be Uttered After Drinking Coffee on an Empty Stomach
by Michelle McKenzie (11/5/2004)

General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity
by Dayvid Figler (11/5/2004)

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes
by Charlie Hopper (11/2/2004)

First Names of Women Who Probably Shouldn’t Marry Me, Given My Surname
by Kevin M. Hyde (11/2/2004)

Candidates Running in the 2004 General Election Whose Names Feature Food or Drink
by JC Bellringer (11/1/2004)

Campaign-Trail Quotes From George W. Bush, If He Were Running for President in 1848
by Sean Keane (11/1/2004)

Rejected Names for Smokeless Tobacco Products
by Jen Bingham (10/22/2004)

Versions of Well-Known Films in Which the Protagonist Has Been Replaced With Leon Trotsky
by Erick Peterson (10/22/2004)

Dissertation Titles That Suggest the Author Was Preoccupied With Other Issues at the Time of Writing
by Zhubin Parang (10/20/2004)

Inappropriate “Do It” Slogans
by Jeremy Martin (10/20/2004)

Recent Occurrences at Owl Creek Bridge
by Lucas Klauss (10/20/2004)

The Search Continues: Places Where O.J. Simpson Has Not Found the Killer
by Dan Kennedy (10/20/2004)

Bands and Musicians Whose Careers Would Be Quite Different Had They Initially Misspelled Their Own Names
by Chuck Whittington (10/20/2004)

Prince Song or Inspirational Signage Outside Byron United Covenant Church?
by Michelle Orange (10/15/2004)

Names of Cheeses Inspired by Star Wars Characters
by Steve Krodman (10/15/2004)

Republican Dozens
by David Jasper (10/12/2004)

Titles of Hardy Boys Books in Which the Villain Could Have Turned Out to Be George W. Bush
by Martin Bell (10/12/2004)

Nine Lessons Learned From Baseball on the Radio
by Joe Lavin (10/12/2004)

Early Incarnations of Fat Joe’s Instructional Dance Hit “Lean Back.”
by Lincoln Michel (10/8/2004)

Contenders Who Vied With Thunder From Down Under to Be the Featured All-Male Revue at Las Vegas’s Excalibur Casino
by Nancy Callahan (10/8/2004)

What a Difference a Year Makes
by Nav Purewal (10/5/2004)

Alternative Names for
by Lukas Kaiser (10/5/2004)

Moons That Orbit Distant Planets or Female Birth Control Brand Names?
by Danny Gallagher (10/5/2004)

Some Possibilities in a Half-Hearted Campaign to Rename the Middle West
by Frank Bures (10/1/2004)

Really Boring Books for Children
by Melissa Bell (10/1/2004)

Old Bumper Stickers Updated
by Kevin Reifler (10/1/2004)

A List of Five Favorite Heresies of the Roman Catholic Church, Disguised in the Form of Unused Episode Titles for the Hit Situation Comedy Friends, and Their Dates
by Alex East (9/30/2004)

Secrets Revealed During VH1’s I Love the ’90s
by Claire Zulkey (9/30/2004)

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street
by Ryan Joe (9/30/2004)

How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance
by Michael Fowler (9/24/2004)

Actual Superheroes From the Pages of International and Obscure Comic Books Who Are Unlikely to See Their Origin Stories Developed Into Movies
by Frank Smith (9/24/2004)

Twenty Underused Yoga Positions
by Taylor Kirkpatrick and Walter Swanson (9/21/2004)

Recent and Past Headlines From the Arusha Times, in Arusha, Tanzania
by Frank Bures (9/21/2004)

Musical Styles That Never Caught On
by Ben Solomon (9/17/2004)

Songs That Wouldn’t Have Been Hits If They’d Been Grammatically Correct
by Karen Wise (9/17/2004)

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada
by Tracy Moller (9/17/2004)

Armed Band of Thugs or Minor Star Wars Character?
by David Dekrey (9/15/2004)

Golf Course Names That Sound Dirty
by Justin Baker (9/15/2004)

The Most Memorable Comments Actually Overheard During My Medical Training, Thus Far
by Noah Raizman (9/10/2004)

UNIX Application or Outlawed Paramilitary/Guerrilla Organization?
by Sara Cody (9/10/2004)

Proposed Titles for a Remake of Bend It Like Beckham, Using Croatian Players in the Titles
by Joe O'Neill (9/10/2004)

Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears
by Dan Pride (9/3/2004)

Guided by Voices Song Titles That Could Double as Chapter Headings in Al Qaeda Training Manuals
by Paul Grellong (9/3/2004)

Lyrics From Pavement’s Slanted and Enchanted That Sound Like They Could Be Slogans Shouted by Protesters During the Republican National Convention Speeches
by C. Mason Wells (9/3/2004)

Dave Matthews Band Lyrics That Take On New Meaning in Light of the Recent Brouhaha Surrounding One of Its Bus Drivers, Who Allegedly Dumped the Contents of the Excrement Tank off of a Chicago River Bridge and Onto the Deck of a Tour Boat
by Dan Bruno (9/1/2004)

Alternatives to the “LOVE HATE” Knuckle Tattoo in Order of Increasing Rarity
by Charlie Gschwend and Tony Fassu (9/1/2004)

Lines Not Used in Coors Light’s “Accomplishments” Advertising Campaign
by Kevin Cahillane (9/1/2004)

Very Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
by Andrew McDonnell (9/1/2004)

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone
by Michael Ward (8/27/2004)

Horrible Movies Made Worse by an Infusion of Political Agenda
by David Cristofano (8/27/2004)

Horse Equipment or Dance From the ’60s?
by Brook Crawley (8/27/2004)

VH1’s Top 10 Songs of the Last 25 Years, Rearranged Into Eight Better Songs
by Chris Harvey (8/25/2004)

Hip-Hop Artist or Entry on U.S. Government Terrorist Watch List?
by Josh Michtom (8/25/2004)

Words That Could Conceivably Be Used to Describe Both Sherpas and Sherbet
by Michael Ward (8/23/2004)

Oft-Overlooked Benefits Enjoyed by Men with Female Names
by Matt Stewart (8/23/2004)

Logging Terms You Wouldn’t Want to Use at a Debutante Ball
by Eric Maierson (8/23/2004)

Things Which Smell Good, But Which Nevertheless Should Not Be Made Into Candle Scents
by Ebony Adams and Julie deGroot (8/23/2004)

The New Superstitions: M&M Colors and the Conditions They Cause
by Jim Connelly (8/17/2004)

Reasons to Use the New Aquafresh Extreme Clean Toothpaste with Micro-active Foaming Action (from Advertisements, News Releases, and the Product-Safety Data Sheet)
by Cheryl Bowles (8/17/2004)

New Names for Previously Recalled Pharmaceuticals Being Remarketed to Take Advantage of Their Side Effects
by Chris Steck (8/17/2004)

Selected Intriguing Names of Actual Federal Legislation: The A’s
by Greg Koehler (8/13/2004)

Whitney Houston Song Titles With “Love” Replaced by “Drug(s).”
by Kevin C. Smith (8/13/2004)

Classic Movie Lines That, Without Proper Editing, Would Not Have Been So Classic
by David Cristofano (8/13/2004)

Alien vs. Predator
by Christopher Monks (8/13/2004)

Favorite Gerund Movie Titles, Un-gerunded
by Ian Carey (8/10/2004)

Variations on “Spanking the Monkey” That Enable It to Apply to Female Masturbation
by Emily Lloyd (8/6/2004)

Sexual Euphemisms That Won’t Catch On
by Benjamin Kharakh (8/3/2004)

Featured Attractions at This Year’s Department of Homeland Security Pep Rally
by Audrey Ference (8/3/2004)

Sentences and Short Dialogues Incorporating Names of Countries in the Middle East
by Michael Degnan (8/3/2004)

Life Lessons (a.k.a. Tips From the Mario Brothers Instruction Booklet)
by Sue Marucci (7/29/2004)

A Hand-by-Hand Description of My Face During a Recent Poker Tournament
by James Kuhl (7/29/2004)

Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies
by Chris Steck (7/29/2004)

Levels of the Mercalli Scale of Seismic Intensity Whose Descriptions Roughly Approximate the Effects of Consuming a Commensurate Number of Beers
by Mike Johns (7/27/2004)

Possible Names for a Third Team of Pickup Basketball Players If Shirts and Skins Are Already Taken
by Bret Turner (7/27/2004)

Fake Samarian Gods Referenced in the Motion Picture Ghostbusters, or Surnames of Professional Hockey Players
by Jared Young (7/27/2004)

Other Statements at Concerts That Caused Riots
by Austin Sidley and Max Luker (7/23/2004)

Things I’d Rather Do Than Go See Catwoman
by Benjamin Kharakh (7/23/2004)

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry
by Ryan Boudinot (7/23/2004)

Quotes From the Announcers of Wrestlemania XX Which Were, but Should Not Have Been, Meant in All Seriousness
by Joseph M. Ippolito (7/14/2004)

A Hard Day’s Night
by Brendan Hill (7/14/2004)

Car Names Which, When Preceded by the Word “Anal,” Sound Like Bad Porn
by Rebecca Anderson (7/14/2004)

Good Names for Vicious Dogs
by Ed Page (7/14/2004)

What’s Up Next for Jack Layton’s Mustache?
by Joe O'Neill (7/6/2004)

A Collection of Unpublished Hospital Greeting Cards Meant to Ease Patients’ Fears About Their Looming Surgeries
by Tiffany Torres (7/6/2004)

Cosmetic Surgery I Would Recommend to the Single Women Who Own Dogs in My Neighborhood Based on What Max, My Border Collie/Lab Mix, Seems To Like
by Brandon Rogers (7/6/2004)

Playlists on Dick Cheney’s iPod
by Ryan Boudinot (7/2/2004)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
by Litsa Dremousis (6/24/2004)

Little-Known Nancy Drew Titles
by Christina Delia (6/24/2004)

Downsized Works of Literature
by J.D. Finch (6/24/2004)

If All Characters Were Named After Places in Maine
by Rachel Axler (6/24/2004)

What the Stock Pages Would Look Like if Businesses Chose Ticker Abbreviations the Way Bar Patrons Choose Initials for Arcade-Game High-Score Lists
by B.M. Lilley (6/18/2004)

Andrew W.K.‘s Inspirational Website Messages or Charles Manson’s Poetry?
by John McRae (6/18/2004)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store. We’re also transitioning to a nonprofit and would greatly appreciate your help. You can support us today by making a donation.