Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Story Endings O. Henry Didn’t Use
by J.D. Finch (10/10/2003)

Rejected Titles for Hymns
by Mollie Wilson (10/3/2003)

Alphabetical Listing of the Occupations of the People Running for Governor of California (As Listed on the “Official Sample Ballot”)
by Tom O'Connor (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Like Names for Small Forest People
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Comments My Father Made to the TV
by Andy Earles (10/3/2003)

An Incomplete List of Admonitions, Disclaimers, and Braggadocios Appearing on the Cardboard Sleeves of Thirty-Three and One-Third Revolutions Per Minute Microgroove Long-Playing Phonographic Records
by Jim Kuhn (9/26/2003)

Grout-Related Phrases Written on the Grout in a Bathroom Stall (Most Likely Written While Sitting on the Toilet)
by Ryan Gratzer (9/26/2003)

Reasons You’re No Longer Fit To Be an Architect
by Jason Roeder (9/26/2003)

Yngwie Malmsteen or Spinal Tap?
by David Lewis and Simon French (9/21/2003)

Jim Croce’s List of Things It Would Be Imprudent to Do
by Mollie Wilson (9/21/2003)

Remembered Items Bid During an Apparently Drunken but Lucid Game of High Stakes Verbal “Trivia Poker,” as Overheard During Observance of the Leonid Meteor Showers, High Atop Skyline Boulevard in the Hills of Oakland, California
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/15/2003)

Lyrics from Bob Dylan Tunes or Poorly Translated English on Japanese Food Packaging
by Kim McCann (9/15/2003)

TV Guide Movie Capsules, Heaven Edition
by Greg Murphy (9/15/2003)

Certain Foods and the Individual Utensils it is Difficult to Eat Them With
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/8/2003)

Fluid-Related Terms Indicative of a State of Grace, Mostly from Various Obscure Religions
by Steve Krodman (9/3/2003)

Titles of Rock Songs Covered on Barbra’s Rock Album, Butterfly, or “Barbra’s Statements” from barbrastreisand.com
by Andrew Tibbetts (9/3/2003)

Robert Frost Greeting Cards
by Dennis Mahoney (8/21/2003)

Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend that Would Lead to a Huge Fight
by Matthew Simmons (8/21/2003)

Possible Collaborations Between James Brown and Loretta Lynn, to be Performed at This Year’s Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony
by Ben Skoch (8/6/2003)

The Tables of Contents of C.G. Jung’s The Undiscovered Self and Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Self-help Book Your Erroneous Zones Spliced Together
by Andrew Jacobs (8/6/2003)

Spin-Offs of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
by Josh Michtom (8/6/2003)

Actual Phrases from My American History Textbook
by Marissa Skudlarek (7/29/2003)

Eleven Boxers Who Failed to Intimidate
by Jason Roeder (7/21/2003)

Recent Unpatriotic Thoughts: Canadian Edition
by Stephany Aulenback (7/21/2003)

Potential Titles for the Next Installment of the Harry Potter Series, as Co-Authored by Judy Blume
by Keith Jones and Thom Verratti (7/18/2003)

Emotions/Bodily Responses I Experience When Reading About the Controversy Surrounding President Bush’s State of the Union Address in Which He Falsely Stated That Iraq Had Tried to Secure “Yellowcake” Uranium from Niger
by John Warner (7/18/2003)

Nicknames for Jesus
by Ed Page (7/16/2003)

Radiohead Song Titles Vetoed By Thom Yorke
by Jeff Hurlock (7/16/2003)

Things That Will Eventually Lead to the Demise of Rush Limbaugh, NFL Analyst
by Jason DeBoer (7/16/2003)

What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom
by John Moe (2/11/2003)

Subjects My Dad Doesn’t Like and Will Discuss at Length
by Kate Harris (2/11/2003)

Some Famous Names That Can Replace the Word Yesterday in the Song “Yesterday,” by Paul McCartney
by Laura Voss (2/11/2003)

Regrettable Puns I’ve Used as Headlines at the In-Flight Magazine for Which I Work
by Ross McCammon (2/11/2003)

Titles of Various Reviews of Hamlet
by Jeff Sims (2/11/2003)

The Quotable Bazooka Joe
by Eric Spitznagel (2/11/2003)

Top Ten Things I (Not Me) Love About You, Janine (Probably Not You)
by J.P. Howley (2/11/2003)

Teams in My Fantasy Hockey League
by Noel Franus (2/11/2003)

Ways This One Project Manager Replies to My Replies to Her E-mailed Questions About Documentation
by Peter Ward Brown (1/21/2003)

Words and Phrases I Use at Work, but Seldom Use at Home
by Teresa DiFalco (1/21/2003)

Names, Words, and Phrases from Notes Taken in an Archaeology Class, Whose Meanings and Context I Have Since Forgotten
by Zoe Piel (1/21/2003)

Nicknames I’ve Been Called by My Family
by Gregorian Von Vermouthian (1/21/2003)

The Track Listing on a CD Titled Songs That Remind Me of Katie Burned By My 15-Year-Old Brother (Where Katie is His Girlfriend)
by Nicolas Duquette (1/21/2003)

Titles of Threads on the OSFriends Forum, an Internet Message Board for Fans of the Osmonds
by Jeremy Grimshaw (1/21/2003)

Track List of an Air Supply Greatest Hits Compilation in an Alternate Universe Where the Concept of “Love” Is Expressed by the Words Partially Hydrogenated Corn Syrup
by Charles Ullmann (12/21/2002)

Nicknames for the Nuns at My Catholic Girls Boarding School
by Heidi Bullard (11/21/2002)

Easily Confused Municipalities in Massachusetts
by Seth D. Michaels (11/21/2002)

Mystifying Expressions That Victor Skaarup and Kris Winther Thought Fit To Include In Their 1949 Swedish Reference Work USA Slang, Ordbok Over Modern Amerikansk Slang
by Ethan Hein (11/21/2002)

Part of ‘P’ and All of ‘Q’ and ‘R’ in the Jobs and Occupations Index of the “Word in Life Study Bible.”
by Richard Engel (11/21/2002)

Items From the Neiman Marcus 2002 Christmas Book
by Claire Zulkey (11/21/2002)

Potential Names of TV Shows Taken from Every Other Word of the Preamble of the US Constitution, And on What Networks Those Shows Might Appear
by Michael Ward (11/4/2002)

Animals I Enjoy Imagining
by Felix Muhl (11/4/2002)

People Playing Scrabble in “The Merry Worzels Game Room” on www.thepixiepit.co.uk
by Michael Rose (11/4/2002)

Bits of Conversation Overheard at My Neighborhood’s Swimming Pool
by Lauren Spisak (11/4/2002)

Several Books Left in My Apartment Building’s Laundry Room
by Vince Keenan (10/21/2002)

Major League Baseball Players and Their Injuries
by Seth Kolloen (10/21/2002)

Chocolate Molds Available from a Leisure World, in Toronto, Ontario
by Brandon Cunningham (10/21/2002)

Contents of the Useless Courier Bag I Took to This Job Interview Just to Avoid Being Empty-Handed
by Andrew Krucoff (10/15/2002)

Cable News Shows in Geometry Geek Heaven
by Michelle Orange (10/15/2002)

Memories from My Youth Involving My Best Friend, Glen Sanford
by Josh Michtom (10/15/2002)

Motivational Slogans Posted on the Walls of the Career Services Office at the Borough of Manhattan Community College
by Jules Lipoff (10/15/2002)

Actual Security Incidents at Queen’s University
by Neil Pasricha (10/15/2002)

Example Sentences from My Sixth-Grade Grammar Book
by Tim Bubar (9/23/2002)

Band Names Proposed by My Stepbrother Who Sometimes Believes He’s Peter Criss of Kiss
by Jon L. Fine (9/23/2002)

Names New Agers in Santa Fe, New Mexico Have Given Themselves
by Ranee Zaporski (9/23/2002)

Frequently Asked Questions at the Office
by Kurt Shriner (9/23/2002)

Stay A While: Articles in Back Issues of Parking Today
by Steve Delahoyde (9/23/2002)

Actual and Made-up Adages Used to Promote the Consumption of Pork
by Megan Peterson and Sarah Garb (9/16/2002)

Rejected Dialogue for the Chinese Psy-Ops Officer in Pork Chop Hill
by Greg Knauss (9/16/2002)

More Titles of Résumés Posted by Job-Seekers on a San Francisco-Area Website
by Tony Cross (9/16/2002)

Actual Entries from the Scots Dialect Dictionary
by John McMurtrie (9/16/2002)

Things I Learned about My Spanish Teacher During Intensive Lessons in Which We Can Only Speak in Spanish
by Matthew Johnson (9/16/2002)

Online Reviews of the Shockwave Bowling Game
by Shawn Bruce (9/9/2002)

Mnemonic Devices to Help You Remember How to Spell “Mnemonic Devices.”
by Rick Larsen (9/9/2002)

Shakespearean Character or Prescription Drug Not Covered By My Blue Cross/Blue Shield Plan?
by Michael Ward (9/9/2002)

Everything I Need to Known I Learned from Spam
by Julie Landry (9/3/2002)

All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back
by Brian McMullen (9/3/2002)

Crayola Crayons Included in Its New Hollywood Box
by Josh Abraham (9/3/2002)

Bored, I Search Google for “Luke Is.”
by Luke Rosa (9/3/2002)

Actual Soap Opera Recaps, 1996-2002
by Liza Daly (9/3/2002)

Vocabulary Words We Learned by Playing Dungeons & Dragons
by Marc Newman and Pat Hall (9/3/2002)

Military Acronyms That Are Also Men’s Names
by Laura Golembieweski (8/12/2002)

Things NYC Cabdrivers Yelled at Me While I Crossed the Street
by Jeff Hurlock (8/12/2002)

Papa Was a Rolling Stone
by Donald Illich (8/12/2002)

Names I’ve Been Called as a Little League Umpire
by Aaron Hotfelder (8/12/2002)

Local TV Weatherman or Porn Actor?
by Chris Strauss (8/12/2002)

Scientific Journals Available Electronically at the Mt. Sinai School of Medicine
by Dorothy Gambrell (8/5/2002)

Lessons Learned from My Study of Literature
by Sean Carman (8/5/2002)

Terms Used in an Office-Supply Catalog to Describe Placements of Tabs on Manila File Folders That Could Also Describe Political Ideologies or Sexual Preferences
by Stephanie McNutt (8/5/2002)

Films about Tough Jews
by Adam Weitz (8/5/2002)

Actual Responses by My Fourteen-Year-Old Japanese Students to the Prompts “In the Future, I Want to Be…” and “Because…”
by Brook Crawley (8/5/2002)

Review Headings of New York City’s Bliss Spa
by Gloria Fallon (7/29/2002)

The Graffiti of Minneapolis
by Keith Pille (7/29/2002)

Women with Whom Klaus Kinski Has Had Sex, According to His Autobiography, Klaus Kinski: I Need Love, in Order of Mention
by Jacob Jost (7/29/2002)

Actually Heard on the New York City Subway/Never Heard on the New York City Subway
by John Parsley (7/29/2002)

Businesses in Sydney, Australia Beginning with Mr. or Mister
by Marko Mustac (7/22/2002)

Partial List of Items That Cannot Be Legally Mailed to Canada from Other Countries
by Chad Stevens (7/22/2002)

Things My Friend Fabio Said Recently
by Jocelyn Carscallen (7/22/2002)

Subject Lines from Co-Workers’ Goodbye Messages after Getting Laid Off Recently
by Stacey Herron (7/22/2002)

Actual Items Described in Published Articles as Being “the Toughest Nut” or “the Toughest Nut to Crack.”
by Amy O'Leary (7/22/2002)

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