Lists

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Send your list submissions to lists@mcsweeneys.net.

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Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies
by Jason McGregor (2/5/2004)

Seven Vaguely Dickensian Yet Sophomorically Inappropriate Proper Names, Two Legitimate Dickensian Characters, and One U.S. State — Or “The Dickens Cider Bleak House Rules.”
by Ben Skoch (1/28/2004)

Food, Drink, and Condiment Names That May Also Serve as Names of Ecdysiasts and/or Adult Film Stars
by J.D. Lewis (1/28/2004)

My Attempt to Further Depress a Particularly Unfunny List, Sent to Me by Someone at Work, by Making Random Remarks
by Darby Larson (1/20/2004)

Possible Restaurant Names For a Themed Slot-Machine/Race-Car/Tokens-And-Prizes Establishment That Has an Overwhelming Amount of Seafood Dishes On the Menu
by Millie de Chirico (1/15/2004)

Androgynous Names of Former Toronto Blue Jays
by Darryl Humber (1/15/2004)

Ways This Flight Might Yet Be the Death of Me
by Cate Carlson (1/15/2004)

3 People I Was Surprised to Find Mentioned in a Review of J. Papastavridis’ “Analytical Mechanics: A Comprehensive Treatise on the Dynamics of Constrained Systems; for Engineers, Physicists and Mathematicians” in the Bulletin of the American Mathematics
by Charles Ullmann (1/13/2004)

Harry Potter Spell or Psychotropic Medication?
by Terra Morais (1/13/2004)

Lesser-known DC Comics Characters or “As Seen on TV” Products?
by Natalie Dietz (1/13/2004)

College A Capella Groups, Sorted by Major College-Football Rivalries
by Patrick W. Gavin (1/7/2004)

Adjective and Noun Combinations Considered and Then Discarded in Favor of “Black Betty” in the Song “Black Betty,” Which Is Perhaps Better Known as “Whoa! Black Betty! Bam-ba-Lam.”
by Evan Billings (1/4/2004)

Suggested Names for Religious Rap Artists
by Josh Fischel and Michael Ward (12/21/2003)

Working Titles for Sly and the Family Stone’s “Thank You Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin.”
by Scott Shemo (12/21/2003)

Yakov Smirnoff Joke or Offensive to Russians?
by Scott Tomford (12/15/2003)

Famous Predictions
by Adam Underhill (12/15/2003)

Headlines in the Sports Section of My College Newspaper That Seemed Funny at the Time, But in Retrospect Were Probably Just Unnecessarily Mean-Spirited
by Ilya Abyzov (12/15/2003)

Rejected Titles Suggested by Clay Aiken for Ruben Studdard’s Debut Album
by Robert McEvily (12/8/2003)

Popular Pickup Lines Used by Serial Killers
by Wendy Molyneux (12/8/2003)

Replacing Bunnies With Bastards
by Mark Peters (12/4/2003)

Possible Closing Lines for a Defendant Who Has Chosen to Represent Himself
by Brian Sack (12/4/2003)

Actual Entries from Cab Calloway’s Hepster’s Dictionary, Revised 1939 Edition
by Josh Weintraub (11/21/2003)

Physical Theories as Women
by Simon DeDeo (11/12/2003)

Pillow Talk
by Hari Raghavan (11/12/2003)

People I’d Have Sex with to Avoid “Dialing Down the Middle” with Carrot Top, As Revealed by a Recent Game of “Who Would You Rather Sleep With?”
by Evany Thomas (11/12/2003)

Things You Should Not Substitute for Whipped Cream During Food Sex, Even if You Are Out of Whipped Cream
by Jay Wexler (11/6/2003)

Why Love Is Blind
by Matthew Simmons (11/6/2003)

List of Organizations, People, and Anthropomorphic Endangered Species That, for Funds-Soliciting Purposes, Purchased My Closely Held New Mailing Address from the ACLU, Which I Recently Joined, Ironically, to Support Privacy Rights
by Nicolas Duquette (11/6/2003)

Random Book Dedications Read From the Bargain Bin
by Brandon Rogers (10/31/2003)

Albert Einstein College of Medicine Professor or Dr. Pepper Knock-Off Brand?
by Jules Lipoff (10/31/2003)

Jokes I May Have Misremembered
by David Fischer and Shauna McKenna (10/23/2003)

1960s Dance Craze or Kama Sutra Position?
by Rachel Good (10/21/2003)

Things I Told Customers While Working at a Starbucks, in a Mall, in the Baltimore Suburbs
by Stephanie Manuzak (10/21/2003)

Possible Names for a Supergroup Consisting Solely of Jack Black and Jack White
by Scott Sand (10/21/2003)

Dee Snider’s Notes from Workshopping a B-Side to “Stay Hungry.”
by B.R. Cohen (10/10/2003)

Reverse-Chronology Films or Imitation Designer Colognes
by Scott Bailey (10/10/2003)

How One Would Have Seen Various Film Franchises Had They Been Directed By Matthew Barney
by Matt Myers (10/10/2003)

Things for Which I Was Either Reprimanded or Outright Suspended Without Pay When I Was a Teenage Universal Studios Hollywood Tour Guide in the Late Eighties
by Scott Bailey (10/10/2003)

Story Endings O. Henry Didn’t Use
by J.D. Finch (10/10/2003)

Rejected Titles for Hymns
by Mollie Wilson (10/3/2003)

Alphabetical Listing of the Occupations of the People Running for Governor of California (As Listed on the “Official Sample Ballot”)
by Tom O'Connor (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Like Names for Small Forest People
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Geology Terms That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
by Vance Anderson (10/3/2003)

Comments My Father Made to the TV
by Andy Earles (10/3/2003)

An Incomplete List of Admonitions, Disclaimers, and Braggadocios Appearing on the Cardboard Sleeves of Thirty-Three and One-Third Revolutions Per Minute Microgroove Long-Playing Phonographic Records
by Jim Kuhn (9/26/2003)

Grout-Related Phrases Written on the Grout in a Bathroom Stall (Most Likely Written While Sitting on the Toilet)
by Ryan Gratzer (9/26/2003)

Reasons You’re No Longer Fit To Be an Architect
by Jason Roeder (9/26/2003)

Yngwie Malmsteen or Spinal Tap?
by David Lewis and Simon French (9/21/2003)

Jim Croce’s List of Things It Would Be Imprudent to Do
by Mollie Wilson (9/21/2003)

Remembered Items Bid During an Apparently Drunken but Lucid Game of High Stakes Verbal “Trivia Poker,” as Overheard During Observance of the Leonid Meteor Showers, High Atop Skyline Boulevard in the Hills of Oakland, California
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/15/2003)

Lyrics from Bob Dylan Tunes or Poorly Translated English on Japanese Food Packaging
by Kim McCann (9/15/2003)

TV Guide Movie Capsules, Heaven Edition
by Greg Murphy (9/15/2003)

Certain Foods and the Individual Utensils it is Difficult to Eat Them With
by Eric Van Uffelen (9/8/2003)

Fluid-Related Terms Indicative of a State of Grace, Mostly from Various Obscure Religions
by Steve Krodman (9/3/2003)

Titles of Rock Songs Covered on Barbra’s Rock Album, Butterfly, or “Barbra’s Statements” from barbrastreisand.com
by Andrew Tibbetts (9/3/2003)

Robert Frost Greeting Cards
by Dennis Mahoney (8/21/2003)

Things I Would Say to Dorothy Parker If I Was Her Boyfriend that Would Lead to a Huge Fight
by Matthew Simmons (8/21/2003)

Possible Collaborations Between James Brown and Loretta Lynn, to be Performed at This Year’s Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony
by Ben Skoch (8/6/2003)

The Tables of Contents of C.G. Jung’s The Undiscovered Self and Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Self-help Book Your Erroneous Zones Spliced Together
by Andrew Jacobs (8/6/2003)

Spin-Offs of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
by Josh Michtom (8/6/2003)

Actual Phrases from My American History Textbook
by Marissa Skudlarek (7/29/2003)

Eleven Boxers Who Failed to Intimidate
by Jason Roeder (7/21/2003)

Recent Unpatriotic Thoughts: Canadian Edition
by Stephany Aulenback (7/21/2003)

Potential Titles for the Next Installment of the Harry Potter Series, as Co-Authored by Judy Blume
by Keith Jones and Thom Verratti (7/18/2003)

Emotions/Bodily Responses I Experience When Reading About the Controversy Surrounding President Bush’s State of the Union Address in Which He Falsely Stated That Iraq Had Tried to Secure “Yellowcake” Uranium from Niger
by John Warner (7/18/2003)

Nicknames for Jesus
by Ed Page (7/16/2003)

Radiohead Song Titles Vetoed By Thom Yorke
by Jeff Hurlock (7/16/2003)

Things That Will Eventually Lead to the Demise of Rush Limbaugh, NFL Analyst
by Jason DeBoer (7/16/2003)

What I Found in My Two-Year-Old Son’s Playroom
by John Moe (2/11/2003)

Subjects My Dad Doesn’t Like and Will Discuss at Length
by Kate Harris (2/11/2003)

Some Famous Names That Can Replace the Word Yesterday in the Song “Yesterday,” by Paul McCartney
by Laura Voss (2/11/2003)

Regrettable Puns I’ve Used as Headlines at the In-Flight Magazine for Which I Work
by Ross McCammon (2/11/2003)

Titles of Various Reviews of Hamlet
by Jeff Sims (2/11/2003)

The Quotable Bazooka Joe
by Eric Spitznagel (2/11/2003)

Top Ten Things I (Not Me) Love About You, Janine (Probably Not You)
by J.P. Howley (2/11/2003)

Teams in My Fantasy Hockey League
by Noel Franus (2/11/2003)

Ways This One Project Manager Replies to My Replies to Her E-mailed Questions About Documentation
by Peter Ward Brown (1/21/2003)

Words and Phrases I Use at Work, but Seldom Use at Home
by Teresa DiFalco (1/21/2003)

Names, Words, and Phrases from Notes Taken in an Archaeology Class, Whose Meanings and Context I Have Since Forgotten
by Zoe Piel (1/21/2003)

Nicknames I’ve Been Called by My Family
by Gregorian Von Vermouthian (1/21/2003)

The Track Listing on a CD Titled Songs That Remind Me of Katie Burned By My 15-Year-Old Brother (Where Katie is His Girlfriend)
by Nicolas Duquette (1/21/2003)

Titles of Threads on the OSFriends Forum, an Internet Message Board for Fans of the Osmonds
by Jeremy Grimshaw (1/21/2003)

Track List of an Air Supply Greatest Hits Compilation in an Alternate Universe Where the Concept of “Love” Is Expressed by the Words Partially Hydrogenated Corn Syrup
by Charles Ullmann (12/21/2002)

Nicknames for the Nuns at My Catholic Girls Boarding School
by Heidi Bullard (11/21/2002)

Easily Confused Municipalities in Massachusetts
by Seth D. Michaels (11/21/2002)

Mystifying Expressions That Victor Skaarup and Kris Winther Thought Fit To Include In Their 1949 Swedish Reference Work USA Slang, Ordbok Over Modern Amerikansk Slang
by Ethan Hein (11/21/2002)

Part of ‘P’ and All of ‘Q’ and ‘R’ in the Jobs and Occupations Index of the “Word in Life Study Bible.”
by Richard Engel (11/21/2002)

Items From the Neiman Marcus 2002 Christmas Book
by Claire Zulkey (11/21/2002)

Potential Names of TV Shows Taken from Every Other Word of the Preamble of the US Constitution, And on What Networks Those Shows Might Appear
by Michael Ward (11/4/2002)

Animals I Enjoy Imagining
by Felix Muhl (11/4/2002)

People Playing Scrabble in “The Merry Worzels Game Room” on www.thepixiepit.co.uk
by Michael Rose (11/4/2002)

Bits of Conversation Overheard at My Neighborhood’s Swimming Pool
by Lauren Spisak (11/4/2002)

Several Books Left in My Apartment Building’s Laundry Room
by Vince Keenan (10/21/2002)

Major League Baseball Players and Their Injuries
by Seth Kolloen (10/21/2002)

Chocolate Molds Available from a Leisure World, in Toronto, Ontario
by Brandon Cunningham (10/21/2002)

Contents of the Useless Courier Bag I Took to This Job Interview Just to Avoid Being Empty-Handed
by Andrew Krucoff (10/15/2002)

Cable News Shows in Geometry Geek Heaven
by Michelle Orange (10/15/2002)

Memories from My Youth Involving My Best Friend, Glen Sanford
by Josh Michtom (10/15/2002)

Motivational Slogans Posted on the Walls of the Career Services Office at the Borough of Manhattan Community College
by Jules Lipoff (10/15/2002)

Actual Security Incidents at Queen’s University
by Neil Pasricha (10/15/2002)

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