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Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond

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Send your nonfictional open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.

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An Open Letter to Beyblade Metal Fusion
by Jim Miller (12/22/2010)

An Open Letter to the Not-Officially-Required-To-Attend Office Holiday Party
by Eleanor Aigean (12/17/2010)

An Open Letter to the Lighting in the Victoria’s Secret Dressing Room
by Dana Bate (12/10/2010)

An Open Letter to Pumpkin-Flavored Seasonal Treats
by Ilana Plen (11/12/2010)

An Open Letter to the Homeless Man Who Witnessed Me Totally Lose It Last Week
by Mark Rooke (11/5/2010)

An Open Letter to a Compulsive Atonal Whistler
by Sasha J. Mann (10/29/2010)

An Open Letter to People Who Insist That New York is the Only Place to Get a Decent Bagel
by Simon Waxman (10/22/2010)

An Open Letter to Hilary Duff After an Unexpected Transcendental Experience
by William Pass (9/17/2010)

An Open Letter to People Who, When I Tell Them I Am an American Sign Language Interpreter, Tell Me How Difficult They Imagine Braille Is to Learn/Read Books With
by Kaden Mack (9/10/2010)

An Open Letter to My Self Respect
by Cate Santilli (9/4/2010)

An Open Letter to Parkay
by Eliza Coolley (8/13/2010)

An Open Letter to the Cashiers at Safeway Who Thank Me By the Wrong Name
by Sara Hov (8/6/2010)

An Open Letter to the “ECO” Light On the Dashboard of My Car
by Scott Mancuso (7/9/2010)

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Bought Our House
by Kerri Wood Thomson (7/2/2010)

An Open Letter to the Person in Charge of New Punctuation
by Courtenay Hameister (6/25/2010)

An Open Letter to Dreams
by Marissa Rhines (6/18/2010)

An Open Letter to My Abandoned MA English Degree
by Liz Skoski (6/11/2010)

An Open Letter to the Patrons of the Karaoke Bar Across the Street from Me
by Aidan Rose (5/28/2010)

An Open Letter to the Two Dudes at Kroger Who Didn’t Know What Day It Was
by Will Hindmarch (5/21/2010)

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Experienced My Son’s Meltdowns
by Katie Schneider (5/14/2010)

An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Gave Us a Tour of Monticello
by Marinka (5/7/2010)

An Open Letter to My Inoperable Brain Tumor
by Paul Houseman (4/30/2010)

An Open Letter to the Substitute Yoga Teacher Who Won’t Stop With the Imagery
by Li Robbins (4/16/2010)

An Open Letter to the Glorious New Couple That Rose Like a Phoenix from the Infernal Failure That Was My Last Relationship
by Patricia Mitchell (4/9/2010)

An Open Letter to the Aging Hippies Dancing at the Tinariwen Concert
by Matthew Robert Lang (3/26/2010)

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Our Diaper Bag
by Matthew Tobey (3/15/2010)

An Open Letter to Dove Heart-Shaped Valentine’s Chocolates That Feature Romance Tips From Martha Stewart
by Carrie Applegate (3/4/2010)

An Open Letter to My Cubicle
by Jonathan Easley (2/1/2010)

An Open Letter to Facebook
by Delaney Mes (1/25/2010)

An Open Letter to My Libido
by Laura Haynes (1/15/2010)

An Open Letter to Undated Yard Sale Signs and the Yard Sale Purveyors Who Make Them
by Brad Efford (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to the Lady with the Leg Warmers in My Salsa Class
by Pablo Andreu (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to Sara’s Sister-in-Law, Who Planned Sara’s Bachelorette Party
by Jessie Morrison (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to the House of Pain (aka, Pain Management Resources)
by Ann Imig (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter To The Inanimate Objects In My Apartment That Just Sat There While I Was Heartbroken
by Stef Willen (12/18/2009)

An Open Letter to the “Wild” Ponies of Grayson Highlands State Park
by Ashlyn Ozment (12/11/2009)

An Open Letter to the Illegal Amphibian Inhabiting our Suburban Pond
by Monica Wilcox (12/4/2009)

An Open Letter to My Artistic Potential
by Jamie King (11/20/2009)

An Open Letter to the Guy at My Gym Who Screams When He Lifts Weights
by Jonathan Kime (11/9/2009)

An Open Letter to the Soundtrack of My Life
by Clinton Larson (10/25/2009)

An Open Letter to My Last Pack of Cigarettes
by K.M. Weaver (10/16/2009)

An Open Letter to Seat 13C on American Airlines Flight 263 to Dallas
by Craig Hildebrand (9/28/2009)

An Open Letter to John Hennessy, President of Stanford University
by Rudolph Delson (9/20/2009)

An Open Letter to the Venue Where I Almost Got Married on September 30, 1995
by Linda Marsicano (8/26/2009)

An Open Letter to One of the IT Contractors at Work
by Ellen Treimel (8/11/2009)

An Open Letter to HBO Re: It’s New Television Show Hung
by Jill Rachel Jacobs (7/10/2009)

An Open Letter to My Unborn Daughter
by Rachel Somerstein (6/26/2009)

An Open Letter to J.J. Abrams Re: Lack of Fat People in Star Trek
by Gary Rudoren (1/4/2009)

An Open Letter to Jonelle, Who Sent a Three-Song Radio Dedication to Her Boyfriend, Rob
by Erin Ayers (10/22/2008)

An Open Letter to the Burglar of 244 Wicker Avenue
by Liz (8/8/2008)

An Open Letter to Shirley MacLaine From a Former 11-Year-Old Who Was Sent to Her Apartment by George McGovern’s Presidential Campaign in 1972
by David L. Steinhardt (3/13/2008)

An Open Letter to My Across-the-Street Neighbor Who Always Does His Yard Work in His Scrubs
by Mark Moskovitz (11/4/2007)

An Open Letter to American Express
by Michael C. Maloney (9/18/2007)

An Open Letter to the Intestinal Parasites I Managed to Pick Up in West Africa This Summer
by Ailea Sneller (8/7/2007)

An Open Letter to Cambridge University Press, Regarding Odor
by Benjamin Cocchiaro (6/28/2007)

An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season
by Frank Ferri (2/19/2007)

An Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble
by Wendi Aarons (2/6/2007)

An Open Letter to Anna Louise Jordan, Author of What Does an EMT Do?
by Tom Miller (2/1/2007)

An Open Letter to Norwegian Aid Minister Erik Solheim
by Zev Borow (12/13/2006)

An Open Letter to My Sister’s Psychotic Dogs
by Sherry H. Ciurczak (10/2/2006)

An Open Letter to My Cats, Who Are Jealous of My New Baby Daughter and Are Acting Out Now That She Receives All the Attention
by Eric Heedum (9/22/2006)

An Open Letter to My Lost Bikini Bra
by Jen Biundo (9/6/2006)

An Open Letter to Wendy
by Jeff Robertson Alford (8/23/2006)

An Open Letter to My 80-Year-Old Parents’ New Buick Park Avenue Ultra
by Jeanne Shoemaker (7/21/2006)

An Open Letter To James Randi Regarding His “One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge.”
by Jennifer Dziura (7/10/2006)

An Open Letter to the Birds Nesting in My Air Conditioner
by Vladimir Maicovski (6/22/2006)

An Open Letter to the Amazon Parrot I Have Been Supporting for Over 15 Years Who Still Tries to Bite Me for No Apparent Reason
by Renee Prince (5/19/2006)

An Open Letter to My Neighbors a Few Buildings Away in My Apartment Complex
by AJ Murray (5/9/2006)

An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme
by Roxanne Paris (5/4/2006)

An Open Letter to an Ultimate-Fighting Referee
by Kurt W. Rademacher (4/28/2006)

An Open Letter to the People Behind the “Now That’s What I Call Music!” Series
by Maggie Koerth (4/18/2006)

An Open Letter to My Cat, Abbie
by Libby Black (4/4/2006)

An Open Letter to Orcas
by Lauren Stroshane (3/21/2006)

An Open Letter to Foie Gras
by Jennifer O'Reilly (3/17/2006)

An Open Letter to the Man Wearing a T-Shirt That Says “It Isn’t Going to Suck Itself”
by Richard House (3/6/2006)

An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game Paperboy
by Leon Ferri (12/15/2005)

An Open Letter to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
by A.F. Passafiume (12/7/2005)

An Open Letter to the Man Who Installed the Carpet in 1974 for the Previous Owners of the Home We Just Bought
by Frumpy Jones (11/8/2005)

An Open Letter to the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney
by Andrew F. Altschul (11/1/2005)

An Open Letter to My Husband’s Pillow
by Tracy Carr (10/19/2005)

An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof
by William Sawalich (9/29/2005)

An Open Letter to the Spider in the Upper Right-Hand Corner of the Skylight in My Flat
by Peter Ruescher (8/19/2005)

An Open Letter to the Cat, Who Pushes Glasses Off the Kitchen Counter While We’re Trying to Sleep
by Jonelle Seitz and Radford Seitz (8/9/2005)

An Open Letter to the Leader of the Ant Nation Residing in My Bathroom
by Joshua W. Jackson (7/20/2005)

An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily
by Douglas Greuloch (7/11/2005)

An Open Letter to My Sonicare Electric Toothbrush
by John Whitehead (6/24/2005)

An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends
by David Ng (6/15/2005)

An Open Letter to the Eight-Hour Workday
by Olivia Roth (6/12/2005)

An Open Letter To The Manufacturers Of Infant Sleepwear
by M. B. Jones (6/1/2005)

An Open Letter to the Totally Impractical Size Chart for Women’s Clothing
by Claire Suddath (5/26/2005)

An Open Letter to the Couple Who Found My Panties in Their Yard Last Summer
by Sarah Johnson (5/19/2005)

An Open Letter to Geraldo Rivera, Who Witnessed Me Getting Fired for Stealing a Cherry Danish Two Summers Ago
by Corey Zeller (5/16/2005)

An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap
by Christopher Dazey (5/4/2005)

An Open Letter to the Dead Joints in My Feet
by Jen Shipon (4/26/2005)

An Open Letter to the Exorbitant Sum of Money I Just Inherited From My Grandfather, Whom I Didn’t Really Like
by Josh Cohen (4/22/2005)

An Open Letter to the Fake Boobs My Husband Bought His Ex Girlfriend
by Milla Wicks (4/13/2005)

An Open Letter to Ryan Funk
by Andrew Willey (4/7/2005)

An Open Letter to Global Warming
by Mike Ward (3/31/2005)

Three Open Letters to the Telephone Joneses With Whom I Cannot Keep Up
by Alan C. Baird (3/16/2005)

An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him
by Kyle Sundby (3/3/2005)

McSweeney’s is a publishing company based in San Francisco.
As well as operating a daily humor website, we also publish Timothy McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, the Believer, and an ever-growing selection of books under various imprints. You can buy all of these things from our online store.