Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond

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Send your nonfictional open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.

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An Open Letter to the Intern Who Sits in the Cubicle Behind Me and Watches Me Shop Online
by Hanna Brooks Olsen (3/25/2011)

An Open Letter to Floors 16-22 of the Sheraton Hotel
by Nancy Slagle (3/18/2011)

An Open Letter to My Dying Ficus
by Julia LoFaso (3/11/2011)

An Open Letter to Smart Puffs
by Kerry Cohen (3/4/2011)

An Open Letter to Anthropologie
by Anna Mantzaris (2/25/2011)

An Open Letter to the Guys Who Kicked the Soccer Ball Over the Fence and Asked Me to Toss It Back to Them, Thus Scarring Me For Life
by Jen Cordery (2/11/2011)

An Open Letter to Jim at the Oregon Department of Revenue
by Mary Munoz (2/4/2011)

An Open Letter to the Smiley Face Following an Insult
by Jade Ologunja (1/21/2011)

An Open Letter to Madeleine L’Engle
by Natalie Grant (1/14/2011)

An Open Letter to the Waving Inflatable Snowman
by Catherine Jessee (1/7/2011)

An Open Letter to Beyblade Metal Fusion
by Jim Miller (12/22/2010)

An Open Letter to the Not-Officially-Required-To-Attend Office Holiday Party
by Eleanor Aigean (12/17/2010)

An Open Letter to the Lighting in the Victoria’s Secret Dressing Room
by Dana Bate (12/10/2010)

An Open Letter to Pumpkin-Flavored Seasonal Treats
by Ilana Plen (11/12/2010)

An Open Letter to the Homeless Man Who Witnessed Me Totally Lose It Last Week
by Mark Rooke (11/5/2010)

An Open Letter to a Compulsive Atonal Whistler
by Sasha J. Mann (10/29/2010)

An Open Letter to People Who Insist That New York is the Only Place to Get a Decent Bagel
by Simon Waxman (10/22/2010)

An Open Letter to Hilary Duff After an Unexpected Transcendental Experience
by William Pass (9/17/2010)

An Open Letter to People Who, When I Tell Them I Am an American Sign Language Interpreter, Tell Me How Difficult They Imagine Braille Is to Learn/Read Books With
by Kaden Mack (9/10/2010)

An Open Letter to My Self Respect
by Cate Santilli (9/4/2010)

An Open Letter to Parkay
by Eliza Coolley (8/13/2010)

An Open Letter to the Cashiers at Safeway Who Thank Me By the Wrong Name
by Sara Hov (8/6/2010)

An Open Letter to the “ECO” Light On the Dashboard of My Car
by Scott Mancuso (7/9/2010)

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Bought Our House
by Kerri Wood Thomson (7/2/2010)

An Open Letter to the Person in Charge of New Punctuation
by Courtenay Hameister (6/25/2010)

An Open Letter to Dreams
by Marissa Rhines (6/18/2010)

An Open Letter to My Abandoned MA English Degree
by Liz Skoski (6/11/2010)

An Open Letter to the Patrons of the Karaoke Bar Across the Street from Me
by Aidan Rose (5/28/2010)

An Open Letter to the Two Dudes at Kroger Who Didn’t Know What Day It Was
by Will Hindmarch (5/21/2010)

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Experienced My Son’s Meltdowns
by Katie Schneider (5/14/2010)

An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Gave Us a Tour of Monticello
by Marinka (5/7/2010)

An Open Letter to My Inoperable Brain Tumor
by Paul Houseman (4/30/2010)

An Open Letter to the Substitute Yoga Teacher Who Won’t Stop With the Imagery
by Li Robbins (4/16/2010)

An Open Letter to the Glorious New Couple That Rose Like a Phoenix from the Infernal Failure That Was My Last Relationship
by Patricia Mitchell (4/9/2010)

An Open Letter to the Aging Hippies Dancing at the Tinariwen Concert
by Matthew Robert Lang (3/26/2010)

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Our Diaper Bag
by Matthew Tobey (3/15/2010)

An Open Letter to Dove Heart-Shaped Valentine’s Chocolates That Feature Romance Tips From Martha Stewart
by Carrie Applegate (3/4/2010)

An Open Letter to My Cubicle
by Jonathan Easley (2/1/2010)

An Open Letter to Facebook
by Delaney Mes (1/25/2010)

An Open Letter to My Libido
by Laura Haynes (1/15/2010)

An Open Letter to Undated Yard Sale Signs and the Yard Sale Purveyors Who Make Them
by Brad Efford (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to the Lady with the Leg Warmers in My Salsa Class
by Pablo Andreu (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to Sara’s Sister-in-Law, Who Planned Sara’s Bachelorette Party
by Jessie Morrison (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter to the House of Pain (aka, Pain Management Resources)
by Ann Imig (1/4/2010)

An Open Letter To The Inanimate Objects In My Apartment That Just Sat There While I Was Heartbroken
by Stef Willen (12/18/2009)

An Open Letter to the “Wild” Ponies of Grayson Highlands State Park
by Ashlyn Ozment (12/11/2009)

An Open Letter to the Illegal Amphibian Inhabiting our Suburban Pond
by Monica Wilcox (12/4/2009)

An Open Letter to My Artistic Potential
by Jamie King (11/20/2009)

An Open Letter to the Guy at My Gym Who Screams When He Lifts Weights
by Jonathan Kime (11/9/2009)

An Open Letter to the Soundtrack of My Life
by Clinton Larson (10/25/2009)

An Open Letter to My Last Pack of Cigarettes
by K.M. Weaver (10/16/2009)

An Open Letter to Seat 13C on American Airlines Flight 263 to Dallas
by Craig Hildebrand (9/28/2009)

An Open Letter to John Hennessy, President of Stanford University
by Rudolph Delson (9/20/2009)

An Open Letter to the Venue Where I Almost Got Married on September 30, 1995
by Linda Marsicano (8/26/2009)

An Open Letter to One of the IT Contractors at Work
by Ellen Treimel (8/11/2009)

An Open Letter to HBO Re: It’s New Television Show Hung
by Jill Rachel Jacobs (7/10/2009)

An Open Letter to My Unborn Daughter
by Rachel Somerstein (6/26/2009)

An Open Letter to J.J. Abrams Re: Lack of Fat People in Star Trek
by Gary Rudoren (1/4/2009)

An Open Letter to Jonelle, Who Sent a Three-Song Radio Dedication to Her Boyfriend, Rob
by Erin Ayers (10/22/2008)

An Open Letter to the Burglar of 244 Wicker Avenue
by Liz (8/8/2008)

An Open Letter to Shirley MacLaine From a Former 11-Year-Old Who Was Sent to Her Apartment by George McGovern’s Presidential Campaign in 1972
by David L. Steinhardt (3/13/2008)

An Open Letter to My Across-the-Street Neighbor Who Always Does His Yard Work in His Scrubs
by Mark Moskovitz (11/4/2007)

An Open Letter to American Express
by Michael C. Maloney (9/18/2007)

An Open Letter to the Intestinal Parasites I Managed to Pick Up in West Africa This Summer
by Ailea Sneller (8/7/2007)

An Open Letter to Cambridge University Press, Regarding Odor
by Benjamin Cocchiaro (6/28/2007)

An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season
by Frank Ferri (2/19/2007)

An Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble
by Wendi Aarons (2/6/2007)

An Open Letter to Anna Louise Jordan, Author of What Does an EMT Do?
by Tom Miller (2/1/2007)

An Open Letter to Norwegian Aid Minister Erik Solheim
by Zev Borow (12/13/2006)

An Open Letter to My Sister’s Psychotic Dogs
by Sherry H. Ciurczak (10/2/2006)

An Open Letter to My Cats, Who Are Jealous of My New Baby Daughter and Are Acting Out Now That She Receives All the Attention
by Eric Heedum (9/22/2006)

An Open Letter to My Lost Bikini Bra
by Jen Biundo (9/6/2006)

An Open Letter to Wendy
by Jeff Robertson Alford (8/23/2006)

An Open Letter to My 80-Year-Old Parents’ New Buick Park Avenue Ultra
by Jeanne Shoemaker (7/21/2006)

An Open Letter To James Randi Regarding His “One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge.”
by Jennifer Dziura (7/10/2006)

An Open Letter to the Birds Nesting in My Air Conditioner
by Vladimir Maicovski (6/22/2006)

An Open Letter to the Amazon Parrot I Have Been Supporting for Over 15 Years Who Still Tries to Bite Me for No Apparent Reason
by Renee Prince (5/19/2006)

An Open Letter to My Neighbors a Few Buildings Away in My Apartment Complex
by AJ Murray (5/9/2006)

An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme
by Roxanne Paris (5/4/2006)

An Open Letter to an Ultimate-Fighting Referee
by Kurt W. Rademacher (4/28/2006)

An Open Letter to the People Behind the “Now That’s What I Call Music!” Series
by Maggie Koerth (4/18/2006)

An Open Letter to My Cat, Abbie
by Libby Black (4/4/2006)

An Open Letter to Orcas
by Lauren Stroshane (3/21/2006)

An Open Letter to Foie Gras
by Jennifer O'Reilly (3/17/2006)

An Open Letter to the Man Wearing a T-Shirt That Says “It Isn’t Going to Suck Itself”
by Richard House (3/6/2006)

An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game Paperboy
by Leon Ferri (12/15/2005)

An Open Letter to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
by A.F. Passafiume (12/7/2005)

An Open Letter to the Man Who Installed the Carpet in 1974 for the Previous Owners of the Home We Just Bought
by Frumpy Jones (11/8/2005)

An Open Letter to the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney
by Andrew F. Altschul (11/1/2005)

An Open Letter to My Husband’s Pillow
by Tracy Carr (10/19/2005)

An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof
by William Sawalich (9/29/2005)

An Open Letter to the Spider in the Upper Right-Hand Corner of the Skylight in My Flat
by Peter Ruescher (8/19/2005)

An Open Letter to the Cat, Who Pushes Glasses Off the Kitchen Counter While We’re Trying to Sleep
by Jonelle Seitz and Radford Seitz (8/9/2005)

An Open Letter to the Leader of the Ant Nation Residing in My Bathroom
by Joshua W. Jackson (7/20/2005)

An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily
by Douglas Greuloch (7/11/2005)

An Open Letter to My Sonicare Electric Toothbrush
by John Whitehead (6/24/2005)

An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends
by David Ng (6/15/2005)

An Open Letter to the Eight-Hour Workday
by Olivia Roth (6/12/2005)

An Open Letter To The Manufacturers Of Infant Sleepwear
by M. B. Jones (6/1/2005)

An Open Letter to the Totally Impractical Size Chart for Women’s Clothing
by Claire Suddath (5/26/2005)

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