Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond

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Send your nonfictional open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.

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An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap
by Christopher Dazey (5/4/2005)

An Open Letter to the Dead Joints in My Feet
by Jen Shipon (4/26/2005)

An Open Letter to the Exorbitant Sum of Money I Just Inherited From My Grandfather, Whom I Didn’t Really Like
by Josh Cohen (4/22/2005)

An Open Letter to the Fake Boobs My Husband Bought His Ex Girlfriend
by Milla Wicks (4/13/2005)

An Open Letter to Ryan Funk
by Andrew Willey (4/7/2005)

An Open Letter to Global Warming
by Mike Ward (3/31/2005)

Three Open Letters to the Telephone Joneses With Whom I Cannot Keep Up
by Alan C. Baird (3/16/2005)

An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him
by Kyle Sundby (3/3/2005)

An Open Letter to Whoever Broke Into My Car This Morning
by Laura C. Winther (1/4/2005)

An Open Letter to My Turtle
by Michael Liska III (12/23/2004)

An Open Letter to Keith Richards’ Immune System
by Litsa Dremousis (12/9/2004)

An Open Letter to Omaha Steaks
by Erik Bowie (12/3/2004)

An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self
by Mike Jones (11/15/2004)

An Open Letter to My Eyebrows
by Don Moorhead (11/11/2004)

An Open Letter to the Gym Shorts That Are Not in My Gym Bag
by J. Mohan (11/3/2004)

An Open Letter to the Enormous Bruise on My Upper Right Arm, Kind of Near the Bicep, That I Acquired Last Weekend While Playing Football
by Annette Janik (10/20/2004)

An Open Letter to My Inner Child
by Kevin O. Cuinn (10/13/2004)

An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants
by Claudia Ginanni (10/4/2004)

An Open Letter to the Rental Video Sitting on Top of My Television
by Tim Coffield (9/28/2004)

An Open Letter to Herman Miller
by Jennifer DiOrio (9/15/2004)

An Open Letter to the Unemployment That Awaits Me
by Joe Lippeatt (9/10/2004)

An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What’s New in My Reproductive Area
by Emily Weinstein (9/1/2004)

An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations
by Evan Thies (8/27/2004)

An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets
by Zachary N. Howard (8/16/2004)

An Open Letter to My Dissertation on the Correlation Between History and Identity Formation in Colonial Massachusetts and Pennsylvania
by Kyle Farley (8/9/2004)

An Open Letter to Women Who Won’t Sit Down
by Victoria Herd (8/5/2004)

An Open Letter to Nepotism
by Mark Budman (8/3/2004)

An Open Letter to Chris Robinson, Lead Singer of the Black Crowes
by John Perich (7/28/2004)

An Open Letter to the Look on Our Leadership Consultant’s Face
by S. Brown (7/22/2004)

An Open Letter to Hummingbirds
by Tony Cross (7/19/2004)

An Open Letter to the Current Boyfriend of the Girl I’m in Love With
by Patrick Lienemann (7/15/2004)

An Open Letter to My Boss, Who Was Recently Fired
by Serena Lu Chang (7/13/2004)

An Open Letter to My Sony Vaio
by Alicia Gifford (7/7/2004)

An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me
by James Foreman (6/30/2004)

An Open Letter to My Three-Year-Old Daughter, Sylvie
by Muffy Srinivasan (6/28/2004)

An Open Letter to My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life
by Kenneth Smith (6/22/2004)

An Open Letter to My First Five Girlfriends
by Emlyn Lewis (6/16/2004)

An Open Letter to Saran Wrap
by Rob Curran (6/4/2004)

An Open Letter to Poached Eggs
by Joy Moore (5/27/2004)

An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Long-Term Substitute Science Teacher
by Karen Schmidt (5/25/2004)

An Open Letter to My Computer’s Insert Key
by Steven Burt (5/19/2004)

An Open Letter to My New and Old Furnaces
by José Avelino Gilles Corbett Lourenço (5/13/2004)

An Open Letter to the State of New York
by Michael D. Ayers (5/11/2004)

An Open Letter to a Playboy Poster
by Kristen Lepionka (5/6/2004)

An Open Letter to Graydon Carter, Editor of Vanity Fair Magazine
by Dianne Fagan (5/5/2004)

An Open Letter to the Twenty-Year-Old USC Intern That I Slept With
by John Pecod (5/4/2004)

An Open Letter to My Male Gynecologist
by Lindsay Katai (4/30/2004)

Open Letter to People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me
by Stephen Karam (4/23/2004)

An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and President Bush’s Other Neoconservative Puppetmasters
by John Warner (4/19/2004)

An Open Letter to the Hollywood Movie Machine
by Gary Legum (4/6/2004)

An Open Letter to That Mother on the Sidelines of My Daughter’s Soccer Game
by Ron S. Clark (3/31/2004)

An Open Letter to My Attractive Coworker at the Pool
by Kate Messier (3/29/2004)

An Open Letter to Sergeant Smith
by Mathias Kom (3/23/2004)

An Open Letter to Everyone Who, When Approaching the Door to the Office Suite Where I Am the Receptionist, Turns the Handle Down, Then Pushes the Door In, Thereby Causing a Loud Obnoxious Banging Sound, Looks Up at Me With Fear and Frustration in Their Ey
by Kurt Chiang (3/22/2004)

An Open Letter to My Summer Interns
by David Shamoon (3/19/2004)

An Open Letter to My Personal Trainer
by Ted Everson (3/8/2004)

An Open Letter to the Strange Red Bugs with Many Legs Living in My Basement, Which Is Where My Roommates and I Sleep
by Meredith Goldstein (3/8/2004)

An Open Letter to the Many Leafhoppers Destroyed in My Phylogenetic Research
by Geoff Balme (3/3/2004)

An Open Letter to Lifetime Television for Women
by Lucy Baker (2/25/2004)

An Open Letter to the Makers of Glaceau’s Vitamin Water
by Catherine Price (2/23/2004)

An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Yearbook Photograph
by Puma Broderick (2/19/2004)

An Open Letter to the Customers at the Tattoo Shop Where I Work
by S.K. Williams (2/17/2004)

An Open Letter to Baseball’s Bill Madlock
by Eric Silver (2/10/2004)

An Open Letter to Penguins
by Tony Cross (2/10/2004)

An Open Letter to Robert Mugabe
by Ian P. MacDonald (2/6/2004)

An Open Letter from Milton Bradley to Milton Bradley
by Kim Bosch (2/3/2004)

An Open Letter to the Elephant in the Ikea-Furnished Room
by Chloe Bland (1/30/2004)

An Open Letter to Vice President Dick Cheney’s Underbite
by John Peabody (1/27/2004)

An Open Letter to the Women and Gay Men Who Want to Read That Copy of Sex in the Window
by Justin Dykhouse (1/27/2004)

An Open Letter to To the People at Mott’s
by A.E. Sousa (1/19/2004)

An Open Letter to Two Young Women at the Clothing Store in the Mall
by David Bulley (1/15/2004)

An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer’s Eyes
by Ben Skoch (1/9/2004)

An Open Letter to the Young Woman on the Subway Who Screamed at Me September 21, 2003, at Approximately 11:30 p.m
by Chris Gorski (1/6/2004)

An Open Letter to Paul Bremer
by Michael Degnan (12/23/2003)

An Open Letter to My Superintendent, Hugo
by Adam Scally (12/16/2003)

An Open Letter to DirecTV
by Molly Bishop (12/12/2003)

An Open Letter to People Who “Tut” on the Tube
by Diane Costello (12/9/2003)

An Open Letter to Young Women Who Work in Chain Bookstores
by Sara Bauer (12/4/2003)

An Open Letter to Yuppie Mummies (or Yummies)
by Anna McKerrow (12/1/2003)

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Scored Only 12 “Fast Money” Points on Family Feud in the Mid-Seventies
by Mollie Wilson (11/25/2003)

An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong
by Sasha Bennett (11/21/2003)

An Open Letter to Alcohol
by Mark Leidner (11/18/2003)

An Open Letter to Centripetal Force
by Christina Roux (11/14/2003)

An Open Letter to the Makers of “Valtrex” (Glaxosmithkline)
by Nathan McIntire (11/5/2003)

An Open Letter to Little Children Who Play in the Alley and Like to Throw Stuff At My Car
by Aimee Dolby (11/4/2003)

An Open Letter to Louis XIV
by Michael Rossi (11/3/2003)

An Open Letter to Apartment W5
by Bob Steinhagen (10/30/2003)

An Open Letter to the Man Who Tattooed Me
by Scott Neumyer (10/21/2003)

An Open Letter to My Dot Matrix Printer
by Moshe Zvi Marvit (10/21/2003)

An Open Letter to Umlaut
by Josh Abraham (10/13/2003)

An Open Letter to Toshihiro Nishikado, Designer/Programmer of Space Invaders
by Jason Bacasa (10/13/2003)

An Open Letter to Illusionist David Blaine, Currently Spending Forty-Four Days in a Perspex Box in London
by Ian Petrie (9/23/2003)

An Open Letter to My Hairline
by James F. Ward (9/18/2003)

An Open Letter to Saint Nicholas
by Evan P Schneider (9/15/2003)

An Open Letter to Mr. Tastee
by Brian Goldstein (9/4/2003)

An Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo
by Geoff Wolinetz (8/29/2003)

An Open Letter to Claire Forlani
by Dina del Valle (8/22/2003)

An Open Letter to the Song Artist Barry Mann
by Kim Bosch (8/18/2003)

An Open Letter to My Spanish Host Family
by Amy M. O'Leary (8/8/2003)

An Open Letter to Asthma
by Steven Seighman (8/5/2003)

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