A Government Wasteocrat Comes Clean
by James Folta (4/2/2013)

White House Press Secretary Has a Few Words About the Secret Kill List
by Alex Kane (2/26/2013)

Grandson, I Lied When I Said I Hurt My Knee in the War; It Happened During an Improv Scene
by Spencer Ham (2/12/2013)

A Farewell Speech From the Monopoly Iron
by Kate Hahn (2/8/2013)

The Half-Priced Hypnotist
by Bekah Grim (2/7/2013)

Pat Sajak Tries to Talk Himself Into Going to Work Again
by Jory John (1/29/2013)

Chuck Hammersmith: Rock ’n’ Roll Copy Editor
by Tommy Morgan, Jr. (1/22/2013)

Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company’s Christmas Party
by Grace Bello (12/24/2012)

We Are the Feet of the People Whose Holiday Card You Received Last Week
by Kendra Stanton Lee (12/17/2012)

I’m Delighted to Be an Extra in a Rap Video
by Max Lakin (12/3/2012)

A Tour Guide Attempts to Salvage His Lecture On a Series of Recently Vandalized Cave Paintings
by Django Gold (11/15/2012)

A GOP Strategist Suggests New Talking Points
by Miles Kahn (11/2/2012)

Hark! I Am Obama—Slayer of Jobs!
by Eric Hague (10/24/2012)

Allow Me to Evade That Specific Policy Question With Sweeping Generalizations About America
by Josh Freedman (10/15/2012)

Please Don’t Raise My Benevolent Billionaire Employer’s Taxes
by Alex Kane (9/25/2012)

Your Former High School Health Teacher Sets You Straight About Menopause
by Julie Shain (9/18/2012)

A Teenager Tries to Make the Best of Hosting Her Middle-Ages Themed Party at the Same Time as Her Older Brother’s Lacrosse Team’s Kegger
by Jen Spyra (9/12/2012)

I Am Selling Candy for My Basketball Team or My Conceptual Art Project
by David Hart (9/4/2012)

Paul Ryan Details His Plan for Post-Bowling Drinks
by Rob Curran (8/27/2012)

An Overeager New Dad Celebrates the Birth of His Son
by Stephen Ornes (8/6/2012)

My Semester Abroad Gives Me Ownership of this Cultural Event
by Eric Noah Feldman (7/31/2012)

The Man Who Tripped and Fell in His Living Room One Afternoon and Died
by Jaylee Alde (7/23/2012)

I am Young, Vapid, and Want to Complain
by Genevieve Bentz (7/16/2012)

No Matter How You Slice it, We’ve Been Stuck in This Elevator for Three Days
by John Purcell (7/10/2012)

A Mayoral Candidate Explains His Behavior at Last Night’s Debate
by Jamie Brew (6/25/2012)

An Antelope from The Lion King Wonders Why He Was Invited to the Celebration of Simba’s Birth
by Fabian Lapham (6/18/2012)

Salvador Dali, Wedding Photographer
by Julia McCloy (6/11/2012)

A Classmate Has Some Notes About the Psychedelic-Mushroom Scene in Your Short Story
by Andrea Uptmor (6/5/2012)

Willy Loman Contemplates Twittercide
by Jason Edward Harrington (5/29/2012)

A Frustrated Chief Executive Engineer Addresses His Staff Entirely Composed of Disney Imagineers
by Liz Arcury (5/15/2012)

A Failed Chef Has an Epiphany
by Shawn Bowers (5/7/2012)

Ralph Waldo Emerson Pitches the Snuggie on the Home Shopping Network
by Mira Hayward (3/29/2012)

An All-American Percussionist’s Post-NCAA Tournament Game Recap
by Spencer Hyde (3/22/2012)

An Abstinence Coach Struggles with Analogy
by Ross Murray (2/22/2012)

My Wife Critiques My Plan to Quit My Job and Write the Next Horror Franchise
by Jon Methven (2/13/2012)

I’ll Be Knocking Out Beautiful Poetry This Whole Goddamn Flight
by Sean Adams (2/8/2012)

Exit Row Instructions for Passengers On the Space Ark
by Jon Korn (1/31/2012)

Thank You, Small Section of This Country That I Temporarily Cared About
by Jeremy Blachman (1/23/2012)

Mitt Romney’s Haircut Will Not Be Denied
by Jesse Adelman (1/10/2012)

Paula Cole Still Wonders Where All the Cowboys Have Gone
by Luke Kelly-Clyne (11/16/2011)

Yet Another Unnecessarily Long Monologue By a Supervillain as He Prepares to Kill His Nemesis
by Claire Zulkey (10/12/2011)

Aging Action Star Loses His Edge
by Christian Lynch (9/28/2011)

A Screenwriter Wonders How the Hell He’s Going to Come Up With an Original Plot for a New Episode of Law & Order: SVU
by Amanda Waas (9/21/2011)

An Emerging Adult’s Plea for Sanity
by Karin Hammerberg (8/31/2011)

A Representative for Dove’s New Line of Men’s Body Soap Asks For a Bit of Your Time
by Matthew Latkiewicz (8/17/2011)

The Writer of a Cat Food Commercial Confronts a Focus Group
by Mike Gallagher (8/2/2011)

A Timid Ghost Requests Help Exacting Vengeance
by Josh Gondelman (7/13/2011)

A Teenage Philosopher Defends Missing Her Curfew
by Haley Joelle Ott (6/29/2011)

A Woman, Returning to the Workforce After Having Children, Answers a STAR Behavioral Assessment Job Interview Question
by Laura Tokie (6/22/2011)

Virginia Woolf, Realtor, Invents the Mother-in-Law Suite
by Jessica Probus (6/7/2011)

Friedrich Nietzsche, Chain-Restaurant Bartender
by Nick Kolakowski (5/31/2011)

Equivocating Economist Gives Forecast
by Bob Brody (4/11/2011)

A Management Consultant Draws Upon His Life Experience to Illustrate a Point
by Cherokee Conklin (3/29/2011)

A Self-Published Author Addresses the Small Gathering at the Launch Party for Her Memoir
by Rupinder Gill (3/22/2011)

I’m Not a Telemarketer; I’m an Artist
by Jilly Gagnon (3/15/2011)

The King’s Other Speech
by Rob Curran (2/28/2011)

A Man Addresses His Fiancée After a Valium and Wood Chopping Incident
by Jonathan Kime (2/16/2011)

A Senator Brings The Necronomicon to His Filibuster
by Charlie Stockman (2/10/2011)

The Towelman’s Concern
by Faith Gardner (1/25/2011)

Spider-Man Speaks At Career Day
by Rick Stoeckel (1/4/2011)

The Word Dude Reflects On Its Steady Decline from Keeping Company with Rakish 19th Century Dandies to Its Demeaning Modern Day Role as Filler for Light Beer Commercials
by Jack Loftus (12/14/2010)

An Air Traffic Controller Instructs a Flight Attendant Through an Emergency Takeoff
by Eli Terry (12/3/2010)

The Cost Plus World Market Buyer in Charge of Epicurean Imports Addresses Shareholders
by Janet Manley (11/27/2010)

A Guy Tries to Convince His Father to Move Into a Mausoleum With Him
by Alina Simone (11/17/2010)

A Mother Who’s Taking Psychology 101 at Her Local Adult Continuing Education Center Comforts Her Son at Bedtime
by Jilly Gagnon (11/13/2010)

A Disgraced Congressman Apologizes for His Recent Poor Choices of Costumes
by S. Craig Renfroe (10/29/2010)

A Tibetan Buddhist Monk Tries to Figure Out Who Stole a Rock from His Zen Garden
by Julia Young and Zachary Smilovitz (10/28/2010)

A Disgruntled Men’s Cologne Speaks Its Piece
by Raymond Gianfrancesco (10/27/2010)

A Ketchup Company Executive Would Like to Clarify the Conversation He Had With His Fellow Co-workers About Blowing Up Their Rival’s Ketchup Factory
by Seth Reiss (10/26/2010)

I, Hang in There Kitty, Am Pretty Sure This Will Be the Day That I Finally Fall to My Death
by Julia McCloy (10/25/2010)

I Am the Invisible Thing That Holds Together the Two Halves of a Compound Word
by Ben Greenman (10/1/2010)

The Artist Plays Basketball
by Kevin Haworth (9/21/2010)

I am a Birthday-Party Magician in a Midwestern Town
by Ben Greenman (9/14/2010)

The Only Juggalo Graduate Student Hangs up the Hatchet
by Ryan O'Connor (9/8/2010)

A Father Tells His Eight-Month-Old Son to Scatter His Ashes On Top of All the Places That This Asshole He Knows From Work Is Going to Have His Ashes Scattered
by Christopher Geno (8/31/2010)

A Guy With Food Poisoning Prepares to Take Back a Hijacked Plane
by Patrick Foy (8/16/2010)

Buddy Holly Posthumously Accepts His Posthumous Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
by Andrew Bridgman (8/5/2010)

I Am the Period at the End of This Paragraph
by Ben Greenman (7/7/2010)

We Are Going to Turn This Fake Christmas Tree Into an Art Piece So I Don’t Have to Haul it Down to the Basement Again
by Lily Langerud (6/22/2010)

I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)

The Guy Who Wrote the Floating Text at the Beginning of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back Critiques the Floating Text of Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi, Using a Series of Animated PowerPoint Slides That Involve a Number of Compromising Photos of G
by Eric Fershtman (5/24/2010)

A Man Who Donated His Big Toe to His Wife Asks For it Back Now That They’re Getting a Divorce
by Dave Cowen (5/14/2010)

This Really Nice Suit is Going to Get Me Acquitted
by Jeremy Pippenger (5/3/2010)

The Guy Who Lost the New iPhone Apologizes to His Team
by Rupinder Gill (4/21/2010)

The Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Make Excuses, Addressing His Co-Ed Company Softball Team After They Lost Because He Dropped A Routine Fly Ball
by Joe Gerlitz (4/12/2010)

Julian Lennon, On the Eve of his Parents’ Divorce, Sits Through a New Song by Uncle Paul
by Michael Rottman (3/30/2010)

Narcissus Breaks Up with Himself
by Doug Lieblich (3/9/2010)

Your Spinning Class Instructor Takes the Tension Brake Literally
by Hilary Meyerson (3/3/2010)

Civil War General George B. McClellan Addresses his Troop of Ten-Year-Olds in a Game of Capture the Flag While Waiting for his Retinue of Horse-Drawn Carriages
by River Clegg (2/24/2010)

Sam Spade Asks You Out On a Date
by Nathan Pensky (2/17/2010)

A Motivational Speaker Explains Why Excellence Matters
by Scott Vrooman (2/10/2010)

An Aspiring Club DJ Reluctantly Moves On To Weddings
by John M. Flaherty (2/3/2010)

Mr. Peanut Tries on Glasses at Lenscrafters
by Seth Weitberg (1/19/2010)

An Anne Geddes Baby Grows Up
by Liz Labacz (12/14/2009)

Pole Dancing With Paula Deen, Y’all!
by Erin Hershey (12/5/2009)

An Unprepared Reporter Interviews the Pope
by Elizabeth Mahoney (11/30/2009)

A Mysterious Drifter Just Isn’t Up To Saving A Small Town
by Jon Gutierrez (11/13/2009)

Matt Saracen, Dillon, Texas High School Quarterback, Plays in His First Game Back Since Visiting The Art Institute of Chicago as a Prospective Student
by David Bernstein (10/27/2009)

I Want to Defend Myself and This Shirt I’m Wearing Inside Out
by Lucas Kavner (10/9/2009)

One-Size-Fits-All Hairnets Are a Lie Perpetuated by the Hairnet Industry
by Brian Beatty (7/13/2009)