Bono Gives the Rush-Hour Traffic Report
by Alyssa Lang (4/2/2009)

This Adult Male Greater Sage Grouse Refuses to Play the Plumage Game, Baby
by Paul A. Ita (3/3/2009)

Subway Sandwich Artist’s Statement
by Jonathan Tucker Bell (2/19/2009)

Stevie Nicks Applies for Work at an Ice Rink
by Jordi Barnes (1/26/2009)

A Mail Carrier Realizes That a Family’s Netflix Movie Has Yet to Be Returned
by Frank Ferri (1/5/2009)

A Candiru Issues an Apology From Inside Your Urethra
by Isaac Rooks (12/8/2008)

The Cervine Patient Begins His Analysis
by Curtis Edmonds (11/19/2008)

No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
by Michael Nelson Price (11/6/2008)

Beowulf, Sitting Next to a 16-Year-Old Kid, Watches Frasier on a Transcontinental Flight
by Russell Hehn (10/28/2008)

A 39-Year-Old Wedding Photographer Makes Her Pitch at the Ramada Inn Bridal Expo
by Christine F. Nangle (10/21/2008)

A Taxi Dispatcher Talks a Passenger Through an Emergency Parking
by Jake Salter (8/5/2008)

Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors’ Office
by Evan Johnston (8/1/2008)

Mom, Dad, I’m Into Steampunk
by Marco Kaye (6/25/2008)

It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night
by Colin Nissan (6/10/2008)

A Former WWF Wrestler, Now a Suburban Realtor and Parent of Three, Campaigns for PTA Chair and Battles His Instincts
by Teddy Wayne (6/10/2008)

A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
by John Frank (5/13/2008)

The Most Complicated Game
by Michael Reisman (3/5/2008)

Potsie’s Breakdown
by Lindsay Champion (2/26/2008)

Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
by Adrienne Gunn (2/14/2008)

I Can’t Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
by Nicole Fabian (2/5/2008)

Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
by Sean P. Murray (1/29/2008)

An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
by Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/2008)

Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
by Grace Parra (12/18/2007)

Blake, Alec Baldwin’s Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
by Sonny Harding (12/11/2007)

Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
by Becky Adnot Haynes (11/28/2007)

An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
by Teddy Wayne (11/13/2007)

My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
by Eric Feezell (11/6/2007)

In the Early ’70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
by Michael Stutz (10/23/2007)

After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
by Aisha Muharrar (10/9/2007)

An Obsessive-Compulsive’s Prayer Before Death
by Eric Buell (10/2/2007)

The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the “Free Breadsticks” Issue
by Mike Drucker (9/26/2007)

Upon Hearing Fred’s Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
by Jay Dyckman (9/17/2007)

Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
by Dave De Fina (9/5/2007)

Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
by Chad Rutan (8/23/2007)

Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
by Matteson Perry (8/14/2007)

Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
by Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/2007)

A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
by A.H. Avouris (7/31/2007)

I’m So Happy, I Think I’ll Flip a Car
by Christine F. Nangle (7/24/2007)

Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
by Colin Nissan (7/20/2007)

Vladimir Nabokov Didn’t Have to Put Up With Payroll
by Shane Ryan (6/26/2007)

An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She’d Make a Great Prom Date
by Megan Baker (6/20/2007)

Emergency Broadcast System
by Vince Eckert (6/11/2007)

Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
by Rick Stoeckel (6/7/2007)

Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
by Pat Landers (5/19/2007)

Your Driver Hopes You’re Sharing His Epiphany
by Emma Rowley (5/15/2007)

William Smith: The College-Application Essay
by Justin Parker Pool (4/12/2007)

A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend’s Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
by Matthew Collison (3/5/2007)

An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
by Alex Kane (2/28/2007)

Tom Skerritt’s Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
by Patrick Cassells (2/14/2007)

Today’s AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
by Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/2007)

My Brain’s Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
by Dan Klein (1/27/2007)

Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
by Dede Preno (1/18/2007)

Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
by Andrew Tan (1/9/2007)

Holiday Basket Case
by Angie Brennan (12/21/2006)

Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
by Mike Jones (12/18/2006)

An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
by Alex Berg (11/27/2006)

The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
by Juan Martinez (11/10/2006)

And They Say You Can’t Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
by Devin Blake (10/30/2006)

Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at 4 A.M
by Nick Kirincic (10/26/2006)

Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
by Glen Weldon (10/16/2006)

Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
by Charlie Nadler (9/26/2006)

I’m Beginning to Think No One’s Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
by Jason Roeder (9/20/2006)

Bill Cosby’s Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson’s King Kong
by Mike Jones (9/14/2006)

A Push-Reel Mower’s Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
by Brian Slattery (8/30/2006)

Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
by Ralph Gamelli (8/11/2006)

Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
by Robert Hornak (7/26/2006)

An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
by Emma Rowley (6/12/2006)

Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
by Eric Edwards (6/2/2006)

The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth’s Terrarium
by Ned Rust (5/18/2006)

David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter Box Use
by Brian Graham (5/11/2006)

Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards’s Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
by Julie Bear (4/27/2006)

Timothy Treadwell’s Screen Tests for Cheers
by Eugenia Williamson (4/11/2006)

Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
by Roger Marks (12/20/2005)

The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
by Ben Hogan (11/17/2005)

Dr. Robotnik’s Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
by Mark Alletag (10/12/2005)

Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
by EJ Leonard (9/30/2005)

Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
by Adam J. Silver (8/29/2005)

Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
by Andrew Meek (8/19/2005)

“The Macho Man” Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
by Rick Stoeckel (8/4/2005)

Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
by Greg Ruehlmann (7/13/2005)

Thak, The Most Organized Member Of The Party Of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
by Richard D. Allen (6/21/2005)

George Jefferson’s Thoughts on Mind and Style
by Ben Greenman (6/10/2005)

Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion Of Britney Spears And Kevin Federline
by Kathy Cacace (5/3/2005)

Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
by Justin Kahn (4/21/2005)

What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
by Ben Greenman (4/4/2005)

2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
by Teddy Wayne (3/16/2005)

Meat Loaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
by Kevin O. Cuinn (8/17/2004)

Beware, the Shark!
by Jamie Allen (8/4/2004)

An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
by Jeremy Richards (6/29/2004)

Local Radio Station’s “’80s Hour” Wants a Second Chance
by Lindsay Hunter (5/12/2004)

Gregor Samsa, Coach
by Will Layman (2/16/2004)

Montecore and Roy
by Steve Martin (1/4/2004)