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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - DEAR READERS AND WRITERS OF THE LETTERS SECTION: We are trying to make this section easier on the eyes. There will be fewer letters, and more editing. If you feel you are being passed over unduly, you may note as much at the top of your letter. We are your friends, and will try to listen. - - - - Date: Tue, 27 June 2000From: Kevin Guilfoile Subject: Nasty? Dear McSweeney's, Um, the other day, over at the other site that sort of looks like this one, the one guy there implied that I had written a "nasty letter" to him, which is fine, except I'm not sure what he's talking about. I've never written any letter to him at all and, when I do write letters, like this one, they're usually really nice, you know, like "How are you," and "It was great to see the kids in Ocean City," and "I'm sorry. I didn't want the new Blink 182 CD, but I forgot to return the little card." That sort of thing. Sorry to drag you into it, but if I sent this his way, then I couldn't say that I've never written him any letters, which might have been the trap all along: to bait me into writing a nasty letter by branding me a nasty-letter writer. Kevin Guilfoile - - - - Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000From: Matthew Drake Subject: Sandi Dear McSweeney's, Sandi works in accounting, and is not happy. You may recall - and this was a few months back - that a letter was posted herein urging McSweeney's readers to hold Sandi in their hearts for a while in the hopes that it might do her some good... Well. Sandi's not doing well at all. I don't know what happened - whether you people are too self-consumed and freaking out because your letter isn't posted, or if you don't care, simply don't care, that there are people disappearing, all over, everyday, people fading away, like nothing into the air. People like Sandi, or people like the guy who has that newspaper stand around the way that no one ever seems to patronize and who has those silly - yes, silly - pictures of his wife plastered all over the inside of his kiosk, pictures you might think would spur people to say things like 'that your wife?' but don't. So regarding Sandi and forgetting this other guy for a minute, which I know sounds like exactly what he doesn't need: let's try again. I'm being serious. Sandi's getting worse. Not only is there the thing with the not being happy, there's also all the physical problems. Jesus, it's tough to watch. But still, I have a job to do here, and I can only do so much. The following is an up-to-date biographical sketch: Sandi Once again, I hope this helps you help me help Sandi, Thank you, - - - - Date: Wed, June 2000From: Sarah Balcomb Subject: More Entertainment Dear McSweeney's, Me and 3 other women my age were ogling a couple teenagers on a balcony across the way. They were such sexy little boys, especially with their little cigarettes and bare chests. We couldn't get enough. I opened the window and shouted out to them just as they were going inside, but they didn't hear me. What have I become? --Sarah - - - - Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000From: Paul Rinkes Subject: I am in love with Bryce Newhart. Dear McSweeney's, Well, you're editing your letters now, it seems, and mine didn't make the cut. Please reconsider. I am in love with Bryce Newhart and we have no other way of communicating save your letters section! Our parents don't understand; society scorns us. McSweeney's is all we have. Thanks for considering.
Paul - - - - Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ME Dear McSweeney's, Sometimes I start writing when the lights of the Empire State building come on. I type away as evening settles in, and the little observation deck on top of the famous building about thirty blocks away comes alive with the flashes from tourist's cameras. Be honest: any chance you think they're taking pictures of me writing? Looking straight into the skyline and not smiling- Dan Kennedy
- - - - Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000From: Mark Gabel Subject: Proper Alignment. Dear McSweeneys, The company I work for has a feng shui master on retainer. He is a tall, well-built, middle aged man who wears black clothing and glasses with hip, square-shaped frames. During his most recent visit to our office, Bruce gave me the bad news: my workspace was a feng shui disaster area. The "Wealth" corner of my cubicle, for instance, was empty except for a stack of old project folders. Worse, I was facing in the wrong direction - all of the chi was hitting my back and bouncing off, which is about the worst thing that can happen to a feng-shui conscious person. Bruce also told me that I should obtain a bronze tortoise figurine - because my inner nature is "Black Tortoise" - and place it near my cubicle's "Mouth of Chi." I couldn't find a bronze tortoise figurine, however, so I substituted a red wooden turtle. The turtle's name is "Commodus," after the ancient Roman Emperor, and he does in fact have a certain regal bearing. Regards, - - - - Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000From:Bailey, Jennifer (NBC) Subject: Moles are everywhere Dear McSweeney's, Is it just me, or did I catch the end of a piece on last night's "Daily Show with Jon Stewart" that bore a striking resemblance to Joshuah Bearman's story about the RHIC project? This site is certainly becoming fashionable to rip off. For what it's worth, I happen to know that a (now) former employee of the Tonight Show was a regular surfer on this site. Although perhaps it's just coincidence that he was still employed there when the Elian Musical segment ran... - - - - Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000From: Gillian Beebe Subject: An update Dear McSweeneys, After several follow-up attempts incorporating the generous and what I thought was sure-fire advice of people who should know how to make these things happen, I regret to inform you, all of you, that Steve Riley & the Mamou Playboys never got back to me about my invitation. Thank you very much and oh so - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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