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The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: In the yard Dear McSweeney's, I'm in cubicle #162. The freelancer in #164 is getting on my nerves with his stupid stories. I'm fashioning a shiv out of a plastic spoon and will stick him when we're coming back in from the yard. Everybody here talks about what they did to get here. I don't say much. I mutter something about a dot-com that's dead now and that's usually enough. You need a reputation in here. They do all kinds of shit to break you down. One of the things is they tell you to get ready to start working on something, and then they leave you sitting. You know at any moment they could come and get you, so you can't get any big ideas. You start thinking you were hearing things when they told you to be ready. Start wondering if you're getting ready or going crazy. You're all I got right now. Everything else is outside of here. I can't even call my girlfriend. I send notes. You don't need to reply. In here, if you're typing...they think everything's okay. You don't get hassled. You stop typing and the screws start coming around. In here, the only thing that talks to me are my books. The only thing that listens is McSweeney's. Laugh now die later- Dan Kennedy Property of: New York - - - - Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Laughter Dear McSweeney's: Laughter, according to Reader's Digest, is "the best medicine." Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000Subject: Hiro tells about her junior high school in Mikawa, Japan Dear McSweeney's, Here is a real article from elsewhere: Hi. My name is Hiro. Now I am fifteen years old. I'll tell you about Mikawa junior high school. Mikawa junior high school is new. I like our school. Because students are very friendly. For example students enjoyed talking with our teacher. My school has many computar. Students often use computer during class. We went to on a school trip, Nara, Kyoto and Osaka. First day we went to Nara. They friendly with deer. But I don't like deer. Because I'm afraid of the deer. My friend was bitten in the leg by the dog, I don't like animals. So I couldn't touch deers. So I couldn't enjoy playing with deer. But we enjoy walking in Nara. Second day we went to Kyoto. I was interested in Kyoto than any other places Kyoto has many interesting places. For example Kiyomizu temple, Arashiyama and Kyoto station. Kyoto station is a big, beautiful and new place. Third day we went to an amusement park in Osaka. But I didn't feel well So I couldn't enjoy myself. - - - - Date: Tues, 18 Jul 2000From: Thomas Gibbon Subject: The transformation is complete Dear Earth McSweeney's, The private detective business sure is swanky! Just now an intern came into my wood-paneled and leatherly appointed office to ask if I had any assignments for her! Imagine that sort of thing happening to boring old TGGibbon in his cubicle of death and mediocrity. It wouldn't happen. In case your curious I told her to re-organise my monocle collexion by fabulousness. As I was waiting to board the municiple dirigible in NeoMegaSpaceGreenPoint this morning I fancied a Snapple. It was ice cold. "Two bits," said Buck Lee, the proprietor. I tossed him a golden dollar. For change he gave me four shillings. Once aboard I retired to a stateroom and napped as we drifted gloriously Northwards to Maine. We stopped once in the Adirondacks to shoot some grouse. Those we shot were served to us on a high mountain glen just as our two suns were reaching their midday convergence. At no point during this sojourn (commute hardly seems the right word) did I sit in chewing gum, yearn for death, stand near someone flatulent, sweat profusely, have incorrect change, or drop my book in the stroller of a drewling larval human. So, yeah, madness is working out. Love, Mick Spaceman, P.I. p.s. - right now I am drinking champers (Dom) and smoking a cigarette (Nil) while writing some devastatingly clever criticisms of the inhabitants of Omicron Persei 8 (they are addicted to obesity, "Mass is the religion of the O.P.8s," I just penned). Later I will get my spats cleaned. - - - - Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000Subject: Oncoo Nut Dear McSweeney's, Yesterday was my nephew's second birthday. I sent him a red plastic fire truck that makes annoying sounds when you push a little button on top. I'm envisioning that my brother will stumble over the fire truck and activate the noisemaking mechanism at 3 in the morning on his way to the toilet. When I got home last night, late because I was helping Lynette study, there was a message on my machine, the first from my only nephew. His mother helped some. "Say, Hi Uncle Rob" "Hi Oncoo Wob" "Hi Aunt Lynette" "Mmmmph" "Say Aunt Lynette" "Mmmph--Oncoo Nut" "Thanks for my truck" "Tanks few ma twuck" It went on from there, and he even sang "Happy Birthday" to himself, without any prodding whatsoever. You get the idea. Oh yeah, my mother has been telling people that my niece has Hoof and Mouth Disease, which humans don't really get, it's only for "cloven hoofed" animals. If anyone asks, she has Hand-Foot-Mouth disease. No relation to the one that strikes cattle and sheep, but it looks pretty gross nonetheless. At least that's what my sister told me. Robert - - - - Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000From: Jarvis Subject: The Trouble with Cats Dear McSweeney's, Since the hot weather started, my cat has taken to licking my screen doors and windows every evening when I come home from work. He tends to do it most often when I am in the kitchen, washing dishes. Is there a reason for this new behavior? Does salt -- or some other mineral necessary for feline growth-- build up on the wire mesh? Do cats need more salt in hot weather? Am I neglecting my cat's salt need by only feeding him Purina Cat Chow (which, by scent alone, seems to be heavily seasoned with salt). Does he REALLY NEED more salt? I'm not sure. It may have nothing to do with the salt. All I know is that the constant scrape of his hairy little tongue along the screens is making me sick-- Best wishes, C. Jarvis - - - - Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000From: Liam Black Subject: Hello Dear McSweeney's, I know that I've been writing you often of late (beachcombers, state of the union, amendments to both), but I thought that this might pique your interest: gravity is weak. That's right, of all of those forces that interact with ourselves and the cosmos, gravity is nothing more than a wee little baby in comparison to the forces of electromagnetism, strong, and weak. I don't know what "strong" and "weak" are. I don't know anything about physics beyond this one little tidbit, quite frankly. I would have assumed that "strong" and "weak" didn't go much beyond the boundaries of being common adjectives, but there you have it. I was wrong. They're forces. Of some sort. Mental exercise: picture the earth and moon. The moon, as even I know, is held in place by the gravity of the earth (and also, to be picky, by lots more gravity from lots more places, but basically it's the earth that matters here). But picture the moon and earth both carrying a negative electrical charge: we've all seen magnets flee from each other in terror, haven't we? Yes, the earth and moon would, revolted with one another, spin off in opposite directions. Of course, since they still have mass, gravity still affects them -- it's just no match for electromagnetism. Isn't that amazing? I've lived my life assuming that gravity was one of the big boys. Gravity was the bomb. Well, no. Actually, "the bomb", as in the nuclear bomb, is much stronger than gravity also. I believe the phrase I stumbled across was "kicks the living shit out of gravity". I may be wrong about all of this. I hope not, though, as this has been my main conversational point at work this afternoon. Frequently yours, Liam Black - - - - Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000From: Kate Gambs Subject: Special for the children. Dear McSweeney's, I went to eat at a Japanese restaurant last night and saw a little tin can with a coin slot on the top, and it was a little charity tin, know what I'm talking about? It said "For children's sake." Just think, for a moment, about how that looks in a Japanese restaurant. - - - - Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: THE PROMISE OF A NOTE Dear McSweeney's I was recently sitting in my favorite small French restaurant having dinner and the guy at the table next to me was going on and on and on about money. Talking to the date he was with as if she were the one-person audience of some kind of "Power of Money" seminar. He was getting so into it that he took a dollar bill out of his pocket and held it up between them and said, "The only thing that make this piece of paper worth anything is the gold that the federal reserve backs it with." I was seething, really. I love having some money as much as the next person, but this vulgar sort of money-porn thing that was going on next to me was making me want to kill this guy. I shot him this look that sort of said, you know, "Shut up about the money, already," but my look coincided with him pointing out that little tiny eye that's on the top of that pyramid on the back of the dollar. It came off more like I was interested than angry. At the height of my hating this guy and his weird greed and insensitivity, he stopped talking, kind of looked down at the table for a minute and then said to the young woman, "Oh man, I'm doing it again. This is probably pretty boring for you, huh?" I have no idea why, but at that moment I went from hating him to wanting to be his best friend. I don't know, maybe I was really attracted to his earning potential or something. In God we trust- Dan Kennedy New York, New York. - - - - Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000From: whitney pastorek Subject: a little piece of heaven Dear McSweeney's, You know, sometimes life ain't so bad: just as I was losing hope, abandoning all faith in humanity, my week turned around, and now I'm fine. I'd been all kffuffled because sometimes it just seems like things here in the big city are spiraling out of control, what with the power outages and water pipes breaking and phone line mix-ups and giant man-eating mosquitoes and boring political campaigns and the peculiar tendency of New Yorkers to steal anything that isn't chained down (someone stole the old lady from the front of my building last night, which is probably my fault, because I thought I should chain her to the telephone pole but I just kept putting it off and putting it off and then sure enough I came home last night and someone had swiped her, lawn chair and all. I'm thinking I should get a better lock for the security bars on the front windows. You just can't be too careful.) But it's ok now, there is reason to go on. THE CHANGE MACHINES ARE BACK AT WENDY'S. Yes. God Bless America. thanks so much whitney pastorek - - - - Date: Wed, Jul 19 2000From: Newhart, Bryson Subject: Surfing the web is not a waste of time! Dear McSweeney's, This week I went online and discovered exactly what I was looking for. A prewritten letter: B&B Bumper Boats The World's Leading Manufacturer of Amusement Park, Concession and Rental Bumper Boats and Go-Karts. B&B Bumper Boats "SIMPLY, THE BEST" Back in the early '70s B&B produced the first Bumper Boats as an idea to add an exciting water activity to Fun Centers. Since that time we have improved and refined the design into the attractive, hard working "Fun Maker" you see dependably generating steady revenue for its owners today. The roomy cockpit accommodates a large adult and child, a small adult and two children, or an adult going solo. Bumper Boats are not intimidating. If you want to take pictures of folks having a good time, go to the Bumper Boat pond. Click, click. I am there now! Bryce - - - - Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000From: lola rogers Subject: correspondence and first introductions Dear McSweeney's, I am writing a novel about mad people and their first correspondence. If any McSweeney's reader may have a story that involves murder, imprisonment, theft (only grand theft please), tanks, or Dan Akroyd & Bill Murray, please post it here. Take care. - - - - Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000From: Keith Crouse Subject: I Ruminate Only For The Thrill Dear McSweeney's, When you realize you're mediocre in bed - isn't that when you start believing in God? Sincerely, KC - - - - Date: Fri, Jul 2000From: Sarah M. Balcomb Subject: Riverside facade backed out towards an anti-consumerism surprise Dear McSweeney's: A wraparound skirt is a bad choice for a windy day. The new doorman in my office building is an artist. His latest work, a pencil drawing of a severed head connected by thick wires to a mind-control box, is going to appear on the cover of the Wu-Tang Clan's next album. Last night he smoked out and played Play Station. As usual. During lunch today, he was on mushrooms. "Things are starting to...," he said, gesturing wildly in the air like an over-wrought maestro conducting a second-rate orchestra. Just smiling and nodding, Sarah M. Balcomb - - - - Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000From: Tsahai Tafari Subject: niblets and giblets Dear McSweeney's, Hello. I'm a grad student in cell biology, who is trying to go to a scientific meeting for free. As a black cell biologist, I'm eligible to apply for a Minority Travel Award, which means I have to participate in the Minority poster sessions (where we Minorities discuss genomic instability and trade recipes on chicken-fried steak), and I have to write stupid essay-like paragraphs detailing why I want to go to the meeting. I'm not stupid, I'll take the money if they offer it, but I hate these Minority Events. They end up being a sort of anthropological photo shoot, where people take pictures of black people doing regular human things, like making conversation, eating and being annoyed. To make myself feel better, I wrote the following: Briefly state within the space provided the focus of your research: The 'darky' phenotype is exhibited by approximately 12% of the population. The focus of this project is to elucidate its role in the establishment of the 'bubble butt' and the transposition of prepositions, e.g. "Where did I leave my restraining order for DiShiante at?" By using immersion techniques (moving test subjects to San Diego, California) we hope to discern whether the phenotype can...etc. etc., it gets technical from there. Tsahai - - - - Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2000From: randal cory walker Subject: dog owners Dear McSweeney's For two years I worked as a dogwalker on the Upper East Side. One dog, Matie, had an owner who was some sort of novelist. His last name was something like Eisner and he wore blue track suits all the time. He also smiled a lot. One day he followed me while I was walking Matie. I was supposed to have Matie out every day for 45 minutes, but on that day I only had her out for 20 minutes because of a complication earlier that day with another dog, Alex. This Eisner guy timed me with a stopwatch. Finding that I'd only had Matie out for 20 minutes, he called my boss and had me fired. If you ever run across this Eisner tracksuit novelist guy, can you let him know that I'd like to speak with him? Thanks, Randal Walker - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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