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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000From: Trina Martin Subject: wee-wee and bitsy Dear McSweeney's, I've quite enjoyed reading the letters from various McSweeney's letter-writers. You are all funny. You should all be published. New York sounds like a crazy place to live! Now: I have a story to relate and a question to ask. My mother was visiting and noticed my son pulling on his pants in the crotch-area. "Does your wee-wee itch?" she asked, and my five year-old son looked at her open mouthed. You see, my child has been raised to think of his penis as "penis," not "wee-wee." My mother is of the "wee-wee" generation; one did not reveal the correct terms for potentially sexual zones - I grew up thinking I had cookies and a bitsy, resulting in a humiliating occurrence in 5th grade during one of those lectures involving pink pamphlets. So, when my mom said "wee-wee," my son had no frame of reference. Perhaps he thought she meant the little pig who went wee-wee-wee all the way home. I don't know. All I know is he said, "my what?" and my mom said, "Your wee-wee. Does it itch?" I'm not sure why my mom asked him in the first place. Maybe she was just making conversation. I turned to my mother and, knowing she was sensitive the whole sex-terminology world, said, "Around here, we call it the "p" word." "Oh, " she said, looking puzzled. "Pecker?" My questions: What body terminology was used at your home? Does anyone else have a bitsy, or did my mom make that up? Is the word "penis" worse than "pecker"? Sincerely, Trina Martin - - - - Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Frequently Asked Questions About alt.fan.harrrison-ford Dear McSweeney's: 1. What Harrison Ford-related web sites are there? 2. Does Harrison Ford read this newsgroup? 3. If I post a personal message to alt.fan.harrison-ford, will Harrison Ford reply? 4. Does anybody have Harrison Ford's e-mail address? Can I have it? 5. Can someone tell me where he lives? I want to write to him! 6. Is there a Harrison Ford fan club I could join? 7. I want Harrison Ford to sign my original 'Star Wars' poster. How do I get him to do that? 8. What can I get out of alt.fan.harrison-ford? 9. I'm new to the Internet. What tips can you give me so I won't get flamed? 10. What's with the talk of teddy bears and OCHFD and lawn mowing movies? 11. Is there a mailing list related to Harrison Ford? Yours truly, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000From: Sarah M. Balcomb Subject: Drinks-a-go-go Dear McSweeney's: The Roman Polanski: A British pint of Romana White Sambuca. No ice. Enjoy. Have you ever wondered why your parties are dull? Why is it that when you meet in a dingy basement apartment to heat up the night, you always end up bored within 15.83 seconds? There is only one reason: too little fire at your parties. To cure this lack of smoldering, you could either torch your apartment or drink Sambuca. Methods for drinking Sambuca: 1. The boring way Take the Sambuca into your mouth, but don't swallow. Wipe the outside of your mouth so none of the Sambuca is on your lips. Tilt back your head, open your mouth, have your "little friend" light a match and touch it to the Sambuca in your mouth. Wait until you can feel it burning (this is truly as dangerous as it sounds), then close you mouth. Shake it around, until the smell of burning flesh nauseates your friends, then swallow. This is the way my friends (with the exception of Stephen) and I consume Sambuca, and it invariably attracts attention. Try it at your local dimly lit pub, impress the indigenous peoples and have fun. 2. The traditional way Set a shot glass of Sambuca on fire, put it out with a beefsteak tomato, then drink. This is the method described on the bottle and is supposedly the "right" way. 3. The cool way Dilute with urine. Consume through a bendy straw. Makes a long and pleasant drink. The best thing about Sambuca is that it combines three good things in one: you get stewed, have fun and set things on fire. Bringing Roman Polanski to a party is an alternative way to "light up" the night. Very best and warmest wishes, Sarah M. Balcomb - - - - Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: NEVER ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS Dear McSweeney's- Somebody was standing next to me looking at magazine pictures of David Bowie's beautiful and palatial house in Thailand this morning. They said, "Sometimes I think heaven and hell are right here on earth and you get to choose where you want to go, but that it's just easier to choose hell." "If you say so," I quipped barely paying attention and continuing to type away. I had to keep writing ad copy for the next eight or ten hours and then walk home in the rain so I could go meet my ex-girlfriend at a restaurant that I hate. Dan Kennedy New York, New York. - - - - Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000From: Justine Hermitage Subject: Anniversaries Dear McSweeney's: Seventeen years ago this month my family left the safe and naive existence of tract-house living. We moved into a house that was built in 1910. I hated it. I missed the modern conveniences of living in a cookie cutter development. I missed ET-land. That move marked a major turning point in my life. I was never the same girl again. Thirteen years ago this month I went to Europe for my first time. It was pretty much like I was trapped inside one of Chevy Chase's "Vacation" movies. It was "Nightmare European Vacation." My parents told us, while we sat on the train to Venice, that they were going to get a divorce. I told them I didn't care who got the house, but I would never leave it, or my friends at school. They never actually went through with it. Ten years ago this month (maybe even this week), I lost my virginity. It was with a guy I had been infatuated with for about four years, and I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. It was not a night to remember fondly. We both fell off the bed and I vomited all morning while he lazily slept the day away. What's done is done. Five years ago this month I moved away from the Golden State of California--for good. My car decided to just sort of shut off in the middle of Highway 5, during a deadly heat spell. When I arrived at my destination there were no hotel rooms so my driving buddy and I had to crash at the home of the only guy I knew in the city--someone from high school. The guy lived with his frat brothers and they played Green Day all night. My friend and I sat in the car until we thought the coast was clear and then went and slept on the guy's couch. The next day, my friend flew back home and I left frat boy's place and stayed in a hostel/senior homeless shelter for four days until my apartment was ready for me to move in. The people living there watched the fuzz on the unreceptive TV in 105 degree heat, all day long. I try not to look back in anger. Three years ago this month I moved into my first apartment (that wasn't a sublet) in New York City. I thought it was a real "find." Then my roommate moved in and we realized that we were living in a closet-less, mice-infested tenement, that comfortably fit one. Only recently are my ex-roommate and I even able to talk as friends, let alone laugh about those two years in hell. That's what I am celebrating this August. All the best, Justine Hermitage - - - - Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000From: Jon L. Fine Subject: we could all fit in it Dear McSweeney's, I've got a new car. It's Japanese. Her name is "Super Lucky Car." In Los Angeles we drive cars. Jon Fine - - - - Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000From: Nate Pontious Subject: Notes from the 12th Floor Dear McSweeney's, It's 8:45 AM. And this is the thing that I just can't shake riding up, dink-dink-dink, 12 floors to my new job with suits and ties and skirts and attaché clichés in the middle of summer: "So know one told you life was gonna be this way..." The theme from "Friends." Great. Damn it if I can't get that song out of my head. I haven't even seen TV, let alone that show, in months and months (I'll venture a year). And here I am, surrounded by people in clothes and careers years ahead of me. Oh, I want to fit in. But then again, it's not that hard. These people are all the same age as the Friends characters: mid-to-late 20s, similar job ambitions - some even have nice teeth. My God! I've stumbled right into a demographic. Nate Pontious San Francisco - - - - Date: Wed, 2 August 2000From: Gregory Purcell Subject:There are mechanations. Dear McSweeney's, To the People, and Others: "The inappropriately named Generals Superbie and Bataille lasted respectively five weeks and ten days at the head of the 41st Division." I just read that. It's from John Keegan's The First World War. I'm also listening to Robert Grave's Goodbye to All That, on my walkman, while I work. Why am I reading/listening to WWI histoires instead of working? Because we have reached a "lull," so says my boss. "...hundreds of field mice and frogs had fallen into the trench, but could find no way out." This, from Robert Grave's proxy. Very few of us are possessed of the type of courage which has been pressed to the state of absurdity. Except when we skateboard. And I am, Greg Purcell - - - - Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000From: Jeff Miller Subject: movie mayhem Dear McSweeney's, Here is my son Ben's review of "The Perfect Storm": "Too much shouting." J. Mudcat Miller - - - - Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000Dear McSweeney's, 3 Alternative nicknames for dog, a wiry terrier with more spunk than he knows what to do with: -Lil' Bojangles -Stumpy McGee -Wendy Yours, KP - - - - Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000From: William Yelles Subject: too scared to sleep Dear McSweeney's, I just woke up from a horrible dream in which I was eating lunch with Regis Philbin. He insisted that I call him "governor" as he scarfed down rhubarb pie, which I thought was odd until we left the IHOP and went outside, where protesters were staging a mass "Braveheart"-like battle against Regis, the evil leader of "The Republic of Texas." The press in attendance wouldn't let him speak. He was having a fit. Only Barbara Walters was willing to help. I am more terrified than ever. Eternally yours, William. - - - - Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000From: L Stahl Subject: Pork Rinds Dear McSweeney's, Now, I know pork rinds are *the hot snack food*, due to a popular protein diet (also known as the insanity diet). But, I just learned something else: Last year's pork-rind sales grew faster than those of any other snack food in the salty snack-food category, except for jerky, with sales topping $420 million, according to the Snack Food Association (which is a group in Washington that keeps track of such things). --Levi - - - - Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000From: Yoko Ito-Peterson Subject: I am a Japanese journalist located in LA Dear McSweeney's, Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a Japanese journalist located in LA. I would like to write a story about pork rind diets in the United States for Japan's biggest health magazine, "Nikkei Health." (Japanese people do not know anything about these pork products.) Could you please comment on: This high-protein and zero-carbo food - it is not really a healthy food. What do you think about this phenomena? Were you on this diet? (Personally, I am not a big fan of this food.) If possible, could you please write back as soon as possible? Thank you very much for your attention. Yoko Ito-Peterson - - - - Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000From: Angel Izquierda Subject: I am the doorman Dear McSweeney's: I am the doorman at the Midtown office building where Sarah M. Balcomb works. This week, while surfing the net for found images for my next Wu Tang album cover, I came upon your site, and was horrified to read Ms. Balcomb's missives about our fleeting encounters as she traipses to and >from work (she carries a briefcase; I don't know what she actually does). To correct the record: I haven't been asking her to "get open" with me; instead, she's been pestering me about "getting to know someone real," and "letting her in on the street scene" in connection with some novel she's trying to write. I have no idea what she's talking about. She also repeatedly mentions needing to learn how to skateboard to one-up someone named "Pasternak," another mystery I have no intention of asking her to explain. Also, it was she who kissed me on the cheek, in an apparent attempt to endear herself that backfired horribly but at least kept her at a distance for several days. The women on the subway were Croatian, not Latino, and the medallion on my silver necklace is of a chrysalis, not a seahorse. Peace, Angel - - - - Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000From: Pascover, Alex Dear McSweeney's-- Please inform Jeff Johnson that some of us are big fans of the weekly NFL picks, and also that he did considerably better than the $3.95 a minute hotline that I consulted throughout most of last season. --Alex Pascover - - - - Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000From: Newhart, Bryson Subject: "The doorway to all freedoms is framed by muskets." Dear McSweeney's, The eternal verities circa July 2000: Tight radio-friendly acoustic rock from Sweden. Custom transformers, chokes, reactors, rectifier assemblies. Lord Kenbo. Capacitors and rectifier assemblies. Japanese clog. "Clog is good for health!" Repetition of the words "from Sweden." Certified respectful chimney technicians. "In some meaning, to put on clog is sports training to build up balance sense." Dimple-style baseballs and softballs. "Laffin' Sal." Pole protector pad. Big-Ass Donkey. Pure unadulterated terror. Pitch elevation indicator lamps. Chew Chew the carnivorous robot. Charlton Heston. Monchichis. Thanks, Bryce PS. Can I say hi to Pete Latshaw? We went to high school together. - - - - Date: Fri, 04 Aug 2000From: robin busch Subject: a list Dear McSweeney's, Six eighties band names inspired by my recent (required) enrollment in a course on first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation: shock signals rapid pulse sudden illness fatal sting quick relief loose dressing robin busch new york new york - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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