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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: 25 Sep 2000From: Thomas Gibbon Subject: No subject, just stuff Dear McSweeney's, ahoy. I'm sure you heard at the party the other day, or earlier, that I am moving to Tangier. It's true. They just kept bombarding me with descriptions of the house and, well, you know my weakness for doing nothing in beautiful surroundings for cheap. I hope to mollify the Puritanical dissent within myself, who are upset at the thought of not having a job, by living ascetically. I hope to visit Malcolm Forbes' old house, where, I have heard, there is a great collection of toy soldiers, arranged to recreate famous battles. The fun version of the Chapman brothers' "Hell." I hope to lose some weight and get into a shape. I hope to arrange the residents of the house in regular recitations, recitals, and/or skits. Obviously I am running away. You know what it is that I care about. And you know how I fail to do it justice. Remember? Over that weird Czech liquor? I will buy a fez and wear it in your honor. I am, as ever, a poltroon, Thomas Garrett Gibbon - - - - Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000From: Sommer Browning Subject: A problem. Dear McSweeney's, Neal Pollack is wearing underwear and you said he would be nude. Sommer Browning - - - - Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000From: Michael Brodeur Subject: Your ideas, all ideas, are great and very useful. Dearest McSweeney's, I would like to thank Mr. John Hodgman (FPLA) and the M.S. for their helpful suggestions re: the selection of my middle name a few weeks back in Brookline. While Tiberius and Nero were great, great ideas, I shrink from the idea of having a sharp 'e' sound anywhere in my name, as it is really kind of 'played out.' I am sure you two understand. I require something fresher, something big and gusty. I wanted it to be formed in the throat, spitless and plangent. I choose Andor. "Forward the Lion! Forward the Lion, the White Lion takes the field. Roar defiance at the Shadow. Forward the White Lion, Forward, Andor triumphant." Thankful and triumphant, Michael Andor Brodeur - - - - Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000From: John Warner Subject: Response to Shane Wilson: Gephardt and Toasted Cheese Mr. Wilson: Perhaps you were not aware that my recently released list "Lesser Known Facts, Democratic Party Edition" was a work of journalism, (i.e., "Facts"), and as you speak of consequences, I'm sure you know that in journalism, you can't just make shit up because otherwise there would be, you know, consequences. So trust that indeed, there is such a thing as a "toasted" cheese sandwich. I, myself, am more familiar with the "grilled" cheese variety, but my research was thorough and it is uncontroverted by any known source that while playing his imaginary games with "Pretty Pegasus," the future House Minority Leader was indeed waiting for his "grilled" rather than his "toasted" cheese sandwich. You see, Mr. Wilson, the "toasted" cheese sandwich of Rep. Gephardt's youth was prepared in what is known in common parlance as a "toaster oven," a most ingenious invention designed as both a toaster, and a light duty oven, capable of baking at temperatures of up to 400 degrees. The Gephardt family model was manufactured by Hamilton Beach (merged into Proctor-Silex in 1990) and given to Mrs. Gephardt by Mr. Gephardt as a spontaneous gift, for "no good reason." As the future Rep. Gephardt sat at the table, playing with his Pretty Pegasus, the tomato soup (Campbell's) beginning to burble on the stove, Mrs. Gephardt would put two slices of American cheese between two slices of white bread and, placing them inside the toaster oven, would depress the toast lever. Heating coils inside the toaster oven simultaneously toasted both the bottom and top pieces of bread as well as melted the cheese. As the toasting intensity of the toaster oven was, as of that date, a still variable thing, Mrs. Gephardt would watch carefully through the toaster oven window, removing the now "toasted" cheese sandwich just as the first dollop of melted cheese threatened to fall to the toaster oven drip pan below. The "toasted" cheese sandwich was then served with the tomato soup, always placed on the table with a caution from mother: "Careful, it's hot," after which young Gephardt would hold Pretty Pegasus close to the soup bowl rim and instruct the magical pony to, "blow." Mrs. Gephardt would smile at this, perhaps shake her head a little, and wonder if her boy was either a genius or "goofy in the head." As I said, Mr. Wilson, truth. Happy to set the record straight, John Warner - - - - Date: Tue, 26 Sep 2000From: Mike Joosse Subject: oh dear Dear McSweeney's, I love your website. I love your books. But I had this larger-than-sneaking suspicion that you all were criminally insane. Frankly, I thought your organization was made up of pathological liars. Not the scary kind, mind you, but the funny kind, like how Jon Lovitz used to guest-star on "NewsRadio" before he became a regular cast member. Anyway, I was used to expecting the unexpected, but then I go and order "The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature," and its accompanying signed poster, and it arrived in my mailbox yesterday. When I opened it, I was a little shocked to find that, yes, indeed, there was Mr. Pollack, naked as the day God made him, with only a cat separating me from the madness, lying on something bright white. It may have been a couch, it may have been a rug. I don't remember. Anyway, I was not quite sure if Mr. Pollack even existed. Mr. Pollack is a pathological liar of the funniest kind, but now I know he is a human being, and I look forward to the book arriving in my mailbox any day now. I am sorry I made a "NewsRadio" reference, but it was on my mind. Thank you, and goodnight, Mike Joosse. - - - - Date: Wed,.27 Sep 2000From: Hartsough, Eevin Subject: Shoulder Pads Dear McSweeney's, I trust that you will safely deliver the following message to Bryce Newhart: Yes. Yes I can wear shoulder pads. Will I? I just might. thank you & best wishes, Eevin Hartsough - - - - Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000From: Newhart, Bryson Subject: Gabe Hudson Dear McSweeney's, There are strange circumstances surrounding Gabe Hudson's death: the kind note inquiring as to his whereabouts, the deer, even his own letters, some of which questioned his existence and made jokes about the death of his parents. Nevertheless, this turn of events is extremely tragic. Gabe Hudson's letters were brilliant and an enormous influence. It feels weird to come out of my McSweeney's "persona" to write this, but this news is confusing and very, very sad. If Gabe's family reads this, I hope they will consider sending McSweeney's any writing that he may have left behind. My condolences, Bryce Newhart - - - - Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000Subject: FW: Missing chair Hello everyone- The School Entrance is missing one of our black chairs. Last seen yesterday at 3:30. If you are sitting in a chair that you were not in before yesterday, and suspect that it may be the missing chair please let me know. The chair is on wheels with adjustable seat and arm rests. Thanks, Ben - - - - Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000From: Howard Peirce Subject: Three scenes from a trip to Kroger's Dear McSweeney's, I witnessed the following scenes a few weeks ago while shopping at the Hyde Park Kroger's: Scene 1: A very elderly African-American couple is shopping. They are both tall, large (not fat, but solid), and now somewhat faded with age. He is a good six feet, with a wide clean face and the erect posture of a military veteran. She is confined to a wheelchair, and neither moves nor speaks. Although it is Saturday, they are both dressed as for church. He has backed a young white Kroger associate up against a display of pantyhose. "Nair," he says, and it sounds like "Nayuh." His voice is remarkably deep and distinctly Southern. No response. "N. A. I. R. Nayuh." A wave of recognition. "Aisle 4, sir. I'll walk you there." Scene 2: The same couple, in the cereal aisle. A different associate, a young African-American, also backed up against a display (Pop-Tarts). "All Bran." Associate: "Uhmm... We have 100% Bran Flakes." Another shopper: "Here's Total Bran Flakes. Will that do?" "Awl. Bran." Scene 3: The same couple, this time by the fresh, not frozen or canned, orange juice in the dairy section. A young white female associate with stringy hair tries to escape notice. "Prune juice." No response. "Prune. Juice." "I don't know, really. I'm sorry." She's almost crying. That's where it ends. I don't know what else to do with it, so I'm sending it to you. Howard Cincinnati, Ohio - - - - Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000Subject: offer x'mas lighting Dear Sirs, It's my honour to learn your company by Internet. We learn your company deal in x'mas lighting business.This business are in our business line. So we would like to establish business relations with you. Our company is China Metallurgical I/E Zhejiang Company is state owned company.We deal in x'mas lighting and metal candleholder, householder item for many years.We can offer your good products for good price and good services. Here we email some of our catalogue for your reference.You will see the pictures by attachment.We hope you will be interested our products.You any inquiry for metal candleholder, x'mas lighting,householder item are welcome. We are looking forward to your early reply. Best Rgds Tommy MIEC Contact as follows: Person: Tommy Zheng Company: China Metallurgical I/E Zhejiang Company - - - - Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000From: Jim P. Walsh Subject: Alter ego Dear McSweeney's, I just found out that Neal Pollack is really Dave Eggers. Why is there so much deception on this website? Anyway, I've been writing under the name "Susan Sontag" for thirty years. I send my Mom out on speaking engagements, to read from a prepared script. She's getting tired of the whole thing, and would like to spend more time playing bridge. Thanks, Jim Walsh, and his mother, who deserves a rest. - - - - Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000From: Ted Travelstead Subject: Correspondence Dear McSweeney's, The following is a fake letter from legendary sultry singer, Eartha Kitt: Dear Peter,I hope you enjoyed this fake letter from the legendary Eartha Kitt. Best Wishes, Ted Travelstead Brooklyn, NY - - - - Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000From: Hartsough, Eevin Subject: Under my skin· Aiee McSweeney's! What have you done to me? You, with your deceivingly jaunty letters section. Last night, as I moved my laundry from washer to drier in the basement of my building, I looked up and beheld the largest bug I have ever seen in person (as opposed to, say, on a documentary about giant bugs of the rainforest). And what thought leapt to my mind just as terror struck through my heart? It was "Dear God! Where's Bryce Newhart when I need him?!" Is this bizarre to anyone but me? Faltering, Eevin Hartsough - - - - Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000From: Posok Oubli Subject: Cabinet Door Does anyone know what happened to the cabinet door, the one above the refrigerator on the 11th floor? It seems to be missing. Thanks. Kyle - - - - Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000From: Janet Hinojosa Subject:Neal & Hugh Dear McSweeney's, Every time I turn the TV on, it seems as if somebody famous or semi-famous is at the Playboy Mansion. They drink, slur their words, drool, dine and frollock with the Bunnies and Hugh Heffner. ... Wouldn't it be funny if Neal Pollock did a book reading from the Playboy Mansion? Just Neal with his book, Hugh Heffner and lots of Playboy Bunnies...all adoring him... Thinking of Neal, Janet - - - - Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000From: kendall Hudson Subject: Gabe Hudson Dear McSweeney's, My mother said to tell you she very much enjoyed the message you left on our voicemail, and that it was a great comfort, and that she and my father would call you when they return from their trip. They flew to Paris a few days ago in an effort to "get some perspective on everything." Obviously this has had a huge impact on all of our lives, and I am currently staying in Austin, having recently decided to take the fall semester off. I would also like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the many many condolence notes which have poured in from McSweeney's readers everywhere. In particular, I would like to cite one Erica Martin of San Francisco, who wrote a song called, "Gabe Was a Good Boy and the World Needs More Gabes," and then performed it on videotape and mailed it to us. The violin sequence was exquisite Erica. In fact, the incoming notes have been so numerous that I have taken the liberty of securing a separate email address. So if anyone has a Gabe story they would like to share with our family, or any words at all, you can now send them to: pleasedontbesad@hotmail.com At your request, I also went through some of Gabe's papers in an effort to find something which might be of use to you. The following is transcribed from the first two pages of a little leather journal I found which he had titled Power Thought Notebook: 1. Story about a bee that thinks he's a swordfish and drowns. 2. Today, for the very first time, I was struck by the fact that the word pelt rhymes with smelt. Find other connections. Maybe something important here. 3. After the nurse spoke to our home-room about the four basic food groups I put my dog Rags on a steady diet of carrots, because I figured eventually his sight would get so good he'd be able to read books. I liked the idea of a dog that could read stories to me. One night Rags was lying at the foot of the bed when he suddenly looked up and said, "Call me Ishmael." My mind went blank for a sec, and then I felt something wash over me and I blurted out, "Ruff ruff ruff." 4. This morning a bum told me that clouds tasted like bread. Oh Wisdom, from what mysterious sources do you issue forth! 5. Even as I jot down this line time goes on. As you can see, Gabe was clearly in pursuit of something "big." It is always inspiring to witness a zealous mind fully engaged in the rapture of itself. A mind, if you will, that is on fire, with no water in sight. This was the brother I had looked up to for as long as I could remember. My brother who lived life to the fullest, and so I hereby say that we should not mourn my brother's loss but instead celebrate his life, because his life was nothing if not that: a celebration of life. Yours, Kendall Hudson - - - - Date: Sun, Oct 1 2000From: Sarah M. Balcomb Subject: I deeply apologize for what I'm about to do Dear McSweeney's: Did you know it takes the same strength to open a bag of potato chips as it does to rip off a human ear? Briefly yours, Sarah M. Balcomb - - - - Date: Mon,2Oct 2000From: Benjamin Cohen Subject: Actually, John Warner, yes. No,Shane Wilson. Dear McSweeney's, Shane Wilson, there are horizontal, open-spaced toasters. Having myself made a toasted cheese sandwich today, in just such a horizontally-aligned kitchen implement -- my General Electric Brand Toast-R-Oven -- I can attest to the ease of preparation and magnificence of taste of such a sandwich (perhaps because mine combined three kinds of cheeses: Swiss, cheddar, and sharp jack). Carry on John Warner. There will be no consequences today. (And I put a few tomato slices on it also. But these were added post-toasting.) Without hunger, Ben - - - - Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 22:From: Kate Wyatt Mr. J. Douglas K, if that is your real name and I must say I have my doubts. I took a moment to visit your turf, and I have come to the conclusion that you are make-believe. If I have reached this conclusion in error, I will stuff both my fists in my mouth and howl. This, Sir, is no idle wager. I lack fingers. I type with my face. I sometimes wonder about the furry animals. You know, Mr. K. The kittens. Kate Wyatt - - - - Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000Subject: a desperate plea on behalf of another From: whitney pastorek Dear McSweeney's, See, now this is the third letter I've written you involving Bon Jovi. I'm just trying to get the kid's name out there, dammit, there's no need to be so exclusionary. walkin' these streets, a loaded six string on my back, thanks so much whitney pastorek - - - - From: Mike ToppSubject: Five Proverbs from Madagascar Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2000 Dear McSweeney's: 1. When one does not like someone or something, one say bad things about him or it. 2. It is by nostalgia if I come to see you and I receive stones. 3. The love of money is the feathers of the tail of the wizards. 4. The reprimands of the parents are like the kicks of a bull, if they hit you, they kill you, if they do not hit you, they make you lose consciousness. 5. Do not love as you love a door: you like it and yet you rush it. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2000From: Matthew Mitchell Subject: gak "(Author's Note: I performed this piece on Sept. 27, 2000, at the Guthrie Theater, in front of a crowd of 500 well-adjusted, sensible residents of Minneapolis/St. Paul, who comprised the inaugural audience for A McSweeney's Home Companion." So, Mr. Pollack, they "comprised" the inaugural audience, did they? Again, you wound me. And the English language. What kind of man would wound both me and the English language with one misused word? - - - - Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Monday Night Football Dear McSweeney's: My new great idea is that ABC should jack Dennis Miller from Monday Night Football and replace him with Jeff Johnson. How about it, readers? Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000From: Liam Black Subject: ãFlowery" Dear Timothy, I've gotten over my alarm at the term "flowery" being used to describe my writing. I enclose it in quotes because that's how I view it, in my head. I'm chalking that one up to lack of sleep, as I awoke this morning refreshed and more than able to confront such vast challenges as an unflattering(?) adjective flung my way. With love for your available ear, Liam Black - - - - Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000From:Mike Topp Subject: Rent Dear McSweeney's: My landlord was bothering me about the rent. He said he was coming over. As he rang the doorbell, thousands upon thousands of black flies carrying elves flew out and settled upon him. He hit at the flies and tried to kill them, but the flies flew in great waves around him. Finally he turned and left. My landlord later told me he thought I was crazy, but then, he had some growing up to do. Yours truly, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000From: Mike Topp Subject: Sleepwalking Dear McSweeney's: If you ever see somebody sleepwalking, don't wake them up, like a lot of people do. Instead, that's a good time to look through their stuff, because I bet you'd be really surprised. Sincerely, Mike Topp - - - - Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000From: Posok Oubli Subject: All Staff Breakfast Goodies! Hi Everyone..Happy Friday! Just to let you know that breakfast munchies will be served in Upper T-Rex for all staff on Wednesday, October 4th. Remember food is at 7:30am and the meeting starts promptly at 8am in Ricketson. Have a great weekend! Mickey - - - - Date: Sat, 07 Oct 2000From: J. Robert Lennon Subject: I Saw a Man Buy a Soiled McSweeney's Dear McSweeney's, I was at New York's famous Gotham Book Mart a couple of weeks ago, waiting for the clerk to ring up my purchases (incl. the new novel by Magnus Mills, former McS contributor) when a man approached the counter with a copy of McS #4. I had noticed a pile in the back consisting of two shrink-wrapped, completely unadulterated copies, on top of which had sat this one, the one the man had chosen, which was a much-perused "display" copy, completely crushed and brown and soft, like a baby's blanket, from contact with many hands, both inside and out. He asked how much and they told him $22, the full price. He willingly paid it, leaving the clean copies behind. The Mills book was swell. Yours, J. Robert Lennon Ithaca, NY - - - - Date: Sat, 07 Oct 2000From: Dan Kennedy Subject: WALKING AWAY FROM THE PUNCHLINE Dear McSweeney's- Last night I was walking home and I passed a man talking on a cellular telephone. He said, "I heard the funniest joke in the world today..." Because I keep a pretty good pace on my walking around town, the only thing I know about the funniest joke is that it features a man with a sunburn visiting a prostitute. I don't get it- Dan Kennedy New York, New York. - - - - Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000From: Dan DeWeese Subject: George Will Dear McSweeney's, Did others see George Will's suspiciously Lawrence Weschler-like convergence on today's "This Week"? He linked a photo of Belgrade protesters to a couple different paintings, including Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People." He, Sam Donaldson, and Sam Donaldson's hair-do seemed very pleased with themselves. (When are George Will and Sam Donaldson not very pleased with themselves?) But they also didn't have any conclusions to make about the convergence. Just a kind of intellectualized, "Yup! Shore look similar!" Amateurs! Should we let George know we're aware that his insufferable "brilliance" is just half-assed appropriation of others' ideas? And is there any way we can make him stop talking about baseball? Yours, Dan DeWeese - - - - Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000From: Gregory Purcell Subject: A New Animal Smokers, Non-Smokers Alike, Last night I had a dream that I was driving around the country with my mother and sister. We stopped in a store where they sold pets. Inside of a large aquarium I saw a fat, brown animal, what I at first took to be a bulldog puppy. Then I saw a single, greenish horn protruding from its forehead. A rather greasy man came up from behind me and informed me that what I was looking at was the first ever hybrid between a toad and a dog. Then he quickly scooped it out of the aquarium and put it in my arms. The animal had a mouth that went all the way back to its miniscule ears, and when it hung open to let its obscenely long tongue droop out, I counted about 500 tiny, pointed teeth. It looked happy. Then it drooled on me. I woke up clutching myself. Since I began wearing the patch to curb my smoking, I have had dreams like this every single night. It's wonderful. In Good Health, Greg Purcell - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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