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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - From: Zadie SmithSubject: Hey you Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 15:02:46 Add Addresses Dear McSweeney's, I know the body of this letter is meant to include some left-field tale of the American workplace or an anecdote about Pollack, but in it's place, a short announcement: Soon, I am going to publish a book of stories with McSweeney's publishers. It should of said that in the list of things the McSweeney's representative was listing, but for legal reasons and in fear of publisher headaches I did not let him list it in this list I've been talking about. This was sort of chickenshit of me. When I first met the McSweeney's Representative, we vowed we would be brave/strong/true and write more inner-voice-of-animals narratives, while sitting on those big inflatable balls (space hoppers?). Apart from the inflatables thing, I have failed. So here it is Mister Man, the announcement in black and white and everything. I figured, legally speaking, anyone could have sent this e-mail, right (see p.s.)? that is all, zadie smith. p.s. poisoned pumpkin. - - - - Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000From: Josh 'Phischel' Fischel Subject: ASK MR Dear McSweeney's, Why is there not a holiday gift package in which one might receive: -A four-issue subscription to McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, beginning with Issue #6 -A copy of Lawrence Krauser's forthcoming novel, Lemon, with a cover hand-decorated by the author -[Untitled novel involving water], by Dave Eggers. I would call this Package Ten: "The Package I Want," $75 And while we're talking about this: Package Eleven: "The 'What the...?!'," $33 -A festive McSweeney's holiday gift card. -A McSweeney's T-shirt, made of cotton, in one of several exciting new designs. -A poster featuring Neal Pollack, naked except for a cat. -Bill Wasik. or Package Twelve: "The Warm Glow of Love," $47 -A festive McSweeney's holiday gift card. -A four-issue subscription to McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, beginning with Issue #6. -Candy for a baby from whom candy has been stolen. -Ponies for all the cute puppies in the world. or even Package Thirteen: "The Special Treat," $10 -A special treat. -Bill Wasik, naked except for a McSweeney's T-shirt, made of cotton, in one of several exciting new designs. Thank you for your consideration, Josh - - - - From: Newhart, BrysonSubject: Please disregard last letter Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, I'm not sure what I was thinking sending you that last letter. It makes no sense addressed to you and is more like an exchange between a wanna be mass-murderer and a neighbor he is trying to get to know (but whose pet ape he does not want to get to know since it attacked him one time in his bathroom). The tone makes it sound like I'm directly addressing you and asking you to choke yourself -- NO! NEVER! When I wrote it, it seemed funny because it was happening in my mind where there is this funny character that I imagine saying amusingly threatening things but who I always forget to give a context to. In order words, please disregard it, the letter. Not that I didn't think you would have the sense to anyway. Thanks, Bryce - - - - Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000From: Oat Red Dear McSweeney's, Although not very many people know about it, sweaters have been being made for decades using the hair of cats. The Shetland cats of Scotland make especially good sweaters. This is because the Scots allow their cats to be overseen by the super-intelligent sheep that reside in their land. Please let your readers know about this. Oat - - - - From: Williams, SarahSubject: dating service Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000 You guys should have a dating service for your readers. Sarah Williams Charles River Associates Oakland, California, USA - - - - From: Carter, TimothySubject: RE: Wool Carding Date: Fri, 1 Dec 2000 Dear McSweeney's, Well, I did some research and discovered the mysteries of wool carding. The process of making wool has been passed down throughout out history: woven in our history if you will. Long ago, this task was completed by elderly women and young children. The wool was placed between two paddles with hooks-- like Velcro only bigger. The paddles where then pressed together and moved in opposite directions. The purpose of this timeless process was not to straighten the wool, but rather to thoroughly mix the different components of the wool (fleece and other imperfections) and to "fluff" the wool. Because, as you see, wool must be soft and fluffy or who needs it. I frequently dress in wool sweaters of all sorts; in selecting my sweaters I seek out a good, fluffy sweater. With out wool carding... I would be lost. Timothy Carter - - - - Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000Subject: Notice of my awareness of my poor spelling skills Dear McSweeney's, This notice is to serve as a statement - which I guess makes it a statement rather than a notice - of my egregious spelling of the word EGREGIOUS as AGGREGIOUS in my previous letter to McSweeney's readers. This particular word has always been a problem for me, and this episode of its misspelling was my self-imposed, "last chance." I had given myself, "one more chance," to spell the word correctly or not spell it at all. So, in keeping with my own ultimatum, I shall no longer use the word egregious in written form. Effective immediately, I will replace the word egregious with, "the word I have sworn never to use again." For example, if I am to write, "I have made an egregious mistake," I will instead write, "I have made an 'the word I have sworn never to use again,' mistake. Please note this in your files. Thank you. Jason Stella - - - - Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 18:09:22 -0700From: Rubies at Tea Time Subject: stabber Dear McSweeney's, Last night I dreamt I had the urgent need to urinate. I was in that same old rickety house I always dream about only this time my aunt and her three small children were living there. In waking life she has only two children and they were not the children from my dream. They were dream children. I asked her where her bathroom was and she lazily replied, "Oh, it's down the hall, but you won't find a toilet there." She pointed to the center of the kitchen and there was a toilet. She said, "I could find the privacy screen for you but it will take at least two hours. Badly did I have to pee. Then she said there was a very flat toilet underneath the floor but she warned me the journey to it would be arduous and full of danger. Just then the plainclothes policemen rang the doorbell. They aggressively questioned my aunt about her husband in front of the children. I thought they were immoral and yelled at them so. Just then the officer in the powder blue shirt stabbed my aunt in the shoulder with a letter opener. Regards, Mary Anne Fisher - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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