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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - From: "Drew"Subject: NFL Picks ? Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001 McSweeney. What ever happened to your NFL picks ? Do tell.
- - - - Date: Mon, 08 Jan 2001From: Paul Elsberg Subject: SmokeyAdd Addresses Dear McSweeney's, So, Yesterday, for no reason whatsoever, my friend Tahneer referred to me as "Smokey." I like that name. Smokey. If I can remember, I'm going to ask people to call me Smokey from now on. Sincerely,
- - - - Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001From: Scott Matthew Korb Subject: Prank Phone CallAdd Addresses Dear McSweeney's, There was this one time when Amie Barrodale made a prank phone call to my mother. I dialed, and Amie got on the phone and said, "Agnes, is Agnes there?," in this very funny, old-person's voice. My mother's name is not Agnes. She reported to me later, when I snatched the receiver from Amie's hand, that she (my mother, not Amie) was very confused. Of course, I had given Amie permission to make this phone call, but maybe that wasn't such a good idea. It confused my mother, as I said. Looking back, it was all very amusing, especially that very funny old-person's voice Amie did. We laugh now. Thanks, Amie, for all the laughs. "Agnes, is Agnes there?" That's a good one. SK. - - - - From: "Andrew Smith"Subject: My current state of mind. Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001 I'm kind of flipping out today, and the letters page isn't helping at all. -drew smith - - - - Date: Mon, 8 Jan 2001From: Mark Davis Subject: Russian town names Dear McSweeney's- I understand that this is an inappropraite forum for the following. I have had, off and on, the same line from a song stuck in my head for 15 years. I don't think you can imagine what this feels like - it's a kind-of Geoffrey Rush in "Shine" feeling. Here's the kicker. The line, from a Tom Lehrer song about plagiarism, is: "To Tomsk to Omsk to Pinsk to Minsk to me the news will run." Aargh! Mark Davis
- - - - From: David StintonSubject: O Brother! Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001 Dear McSweeney's, I occasionally visit a "dead pool" web site where people compete for money to guess which celebrities will die in a given year. In addition, and unrelated, the site features a list of books, CDs, and movies recommended by the proprietors. One CD they like a lot is by a singer named Gillian Welch. In looking through the soundtrack album for "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" I noticed that Gillian Welch sings on it, as one of the Sirens! I was going to email the dead pool site and congratulate them on being so "with it," but I realized that they'd probably be sarcastic and mean to me. It's kind of their thing. Dave Stinton - - - - Date: Tue, 09 Jan 2001 Subject: FW: someone left their keys in the men's room on 19 From: Johnathan Sneebaum Subject: someone left their keys in the men's room on 19 They are still on top of the urinal in the men's room on 19. It appears that they include GM car keys.- - - - Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001From: Chris Cotner Subject: New Year and Stuff Dear McSweeney's, On New Years Eve I decided it might be fun to pour the Black and Tan that I just ordered over the head of my best friend. And you know what, it was. Of course, we ended clearing out about 20 people in the booths next to us once we were done. There were a lot of drinks on the table that were begging to be thrown, on someone, anyone, it did not matter. He was screaming about the apocalypse, and as Hunter might say, everything went weird, buy the ticket take the ride sideways weird. The next day, our respective wives informed us of what had happened, and I admit that some of the details offered by the good natured women (in good natured I mean actually sleeping in the same bed with us that night after what had to have been a truly horrific bar scene) were a little, shall we say, "fuzzy." But the one thing I distinctly remembered was standing on a table top, (mind you, we weren't celebrating in some little out of the way watering hole, we were in the heart of the swanky bar area and there were lots and lots of lots of pretty people in attendance in this bar) and announcing, very loudly, to, as I called them, the "assembled throng" that "I was Neal Pollack, the real Neal Pollack, and the man who had been traveling all around the country doing readings was a paid imposter, paid by a shadowy organization that at this time I cannot name for fear of my life and the lives of my children, and that"...well that is where the memory "fuzzes up." Mind you, I am on a table top, in the middle of a bar, in the middle of the capitol city of Oklahoma, conviently named Oklahoma City, and am screaming about something that no one even understood. It's just as well. My apologies to Mr. Pollack and his family. - - - - From: Ted TravelsteadSubject: tapas Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001 Dear McSweeney's, One of my hobbies is to rent a car for the day and see how many drifters I can pick up at one time. My record is seven (that was the day I lucked into a mini- van for the same price as an economy model!). But usually it is three, sometimes five with some sitting on laps. You'd be surprised how many drifters there are still hitching out there on the open road. Oh, and the stories they tell! That is if they talk. Sometimes they just stare at the road, or at me, and I have to make up a story in my head as I cast furtive glances in their direction (I am driving don't forget). One rangy dude who called himself Jummy carried with him a small handkerchief doll he had named "Rocky." I said to him, "Is he a boxer like in the movie?" and he replied, "Get ya eyes outta my head or I'll slit ya throat." I just chuckled and kept on driving. It turns out he loved the movie MASK with Eric Stoltz (whose character's name was Rocky!). I love it too, and we talked for hours about riding motorcycles through Europe. All the best,
- - - - Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: Can't Say No Dear McSweeney's: Confidential to Greg "Angelica Sidley" Purcell: that sounds like a miserable job. I picked cucumbers for a day once, but I didn't sing. I don't think it was allowed. My junior high once produced the musical "Oklahoma!" The student meant to sing "I'm just a girl who can't say no" went blank; she remembered nothing but the sad nub of her excuse, viz. "can't say no." Thus: "mmmmmmmmmmm Can't say no mmmmmmmmm Can't say no." The "mmmm" do not represent humming; they represent a kind of sub-linguistic somnolent mumbling -- and not a Kristevan "Chora": oh no, you lousy dogs, you won't catch me in that kind of nonsense! That sound, man, it was the darndest thing. This is all getting to be pretty long ago, but in high school my then-girlfriend and my then-best friend were in "Oklahoma!" together. She could sing; he couldn't. He played the hapless thug, Jud, and when he sang his song -- whatever it was -- he couldn't hold his key. The pianist, she was a genius, and followed his meandering, need I say, doggedley. He twelve-toned that d---d song to bits. With a fringe on top, I remain,
- - - - Subject: Neal's Opened LettersFrom: Kevin Guilfoile Dear McSweeney's, Thanks for printing Neal's letter about moving to Philadelphia. It reminded me that I never really gave him a proper send off. I think we were supposed to meet for drinks one night and I couldn't go, but it wasn't because I had something better to do, certainly, though Lord knows what he said about me with a few Macallan's in him. Neal says he moved to Philadelphia because Philadelphia reminds him of "Chicago in 1985," which I guess means that Philadelphia reminds Neal of Chicago back when Neal was 14-years-old and living in Phoenix. Ha, I kid Neal. The fact is, Philly is better for his decision and Chicago is worse. One Neal and one Regina worse. (Some might argue that we are two Neals and two Reginas worse, relatively speaking, us having lost one of each, and Philadelphia having gained the same, but I'm figuring this the way you figure baseball standings, which would mean we lost a half Neal, and they gained a half, etc.). Nevertheless, it is sad to no longer be in the general proximity of the man who introduced me to both Ethiopian food and Jon Langford. (Actually, I was aware of Jon Langford's music before I knew Neal -- was something of a fan even -- but I'm talking about literally introduced here, as in "Hey Kevin, meet Jon Langford.") Anyway, Godspeed, Neal and Regina. Both our gods, I mean. Kevin Guilfoile
- - - - From: "David Bryson, MD"Subject: Centuries & Circadian Theory of Learning - from David Bryson, MD (Yale ' 63) Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 Dear Dave Eggers - http://people.tamu.edu/~carlson/bryson.html is the most powerful and radically informative document on the web - John Updike (quoted in the text) calls it "vivid and clear" Best Wishes, David Bryson, MD (Yale ' 63) - - - - From: "Thornton, Walter"Subject: Linking to Pollack's Call-to-March Date: Mon, 15 Jan 2001 Dear McSweeney's, Today you have a link to the homesite of your main idol, Neal Pollack. Following the link leads to Pollack's exhortation to march on Washington and demonstrate against George Bush's inauguration. The justification for this futile exercise is summed up in this excerpt: This man is a dunderhead. He is a smirking scalawag. He is an incompetent and a boob. I have no fear in saying this. Also, he became president in the most suspicious of ways, and has comported himself badly since the Supreme Court elevated him to his current status. His cabinet appointments are mostly insulting, his public statements moronic. His presidency is dangerous, illegitimate, and wrong. It is quite typical of the liberal intelligentsia that he immediately resorts to infantile name-calling, rather than making any substantive criticism of Dubya's ascension. And the reason he has no fear in saying this is that the only President capable of seeking retribution against his enemies via the IRS or FBI will soon be out of a job. His statement that Bush's cabinet appointments are insulting forces one to ask, To whom? If to the Senate, they will soon have the opportunity to respond. If to Mr. Pollack, this is an astonishing display of egocentrism to take personally the cabinet selections of the President of the United States. And while Mr. Pollack is certainly free to voice his opinion that Dubya's presidency is dangerous, its illegitimacy is nonexistent. Perhaps Pollack's upset that Bush was duly elected by the people of this country, via our Constitutional process, instead of by him. Or are only successful liberal candidacies legitimate? The comment about its being wrong is so infantile as to defy intelligent dissection. Mr. Pollack has every right to voice his opinions and even demonstrate against the inauguration, but his call to arms is so bereft of intellectual honesty that I find it, yes, insulting that it was directed to me as a McSweeney reader. - - - - Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 11:00:00 -0600Subject: elimae From: Deron Bauman Don't know that you'll be interested in what we're doing, but perhaps you will be. Best of luck to you. Deron Bauman http://www.elimae.com/ - - - - From: "Newhart, Bryson"Subject: Again disregard last letter Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 Dear McSweeney's, Regarding the last e-mail I sent you entitled "windows open, floor frozen, jogging on a treadmill of ice," please disregard it, not because I think that I have found an inexhaustible vehicle that might forever stop snow from turning into crusty black ice -- it doesn't exist, my problem cannot be helped -- but because it sounds rather cold and desperate, the ranting of a man in a parka whose purported desire to be buried so deeply in the snow that his heart will turn into a snowball -- "a cheap homemade toy for children" -- blatantly reveals a desperate clinging to the notion that innocent children might actually dig up his corpse, cut out his heart, and play games with it, children that he describes as tiny, knife-wielding snowmen with sunglasses for eyes, little frost monsters that deserve to be attacked with shovels and salt and dog pee. In short, this is not a joyful fabrication with mittens one day, but evil. Pure evil. Perhaps it is ME, not THEM, who should melt, run off down the street, and evaporate into the air again. Please accept my apologies,
- - - - Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2001Subject: faith helma, you bring me joy! Dear Mcsweeneys, I got up at noon and wanted the world to disappear, because yesterday was terrible, my friends came over for dinner but everyone was so lazy and cheap and they complained because I didn't had enough wine, I had a too little appartment, and then "what the fuck is that" when I played beat happening, and nobody helped me clean up, nobody commented on the beauty of my cat, they just stood there and chainsmoked, until one of them (my best friend) declared "oh I am so tired. let's go find a taxi" and they all left. It is always the same. Finding true friends is so hard. I gave my heart to the BMX boy, back in 1991, and I never got it back. I wrote a poem about this and would be interested to know if you are interested about this. Yours,
- - - - From: Megan K LeharDate: Thu, 18 Jan 2001 Subject: remembering my habit of writing fairly anonymous letters to people i don't know dear people, i miss the good old days when you published pretty much every letter that anyone sent, i felt more confident of my chances of being published then. but anyway, does anyone want to hire me? i'm cute and smart and i have a wonderful sense of humor, which means that i won't laugh at your jokes if they suck, and yes, i do sometimes wonder if you have the brain capacity of an ant. i don't like impolite people and yes, i have a tendancy to be honest, so if you don't want my opinion, don't ask me. i tend to get mean and bitter around stupid people, so don't make me work with them. and i would like a naptime in the middle of the day, i think it's time that america takes up the siesta. and i'm horribly enthusiastic, especially about pop culture, but when - - - - Subject: MIT DOORS: Where did the "BEWARE OF PHAGE!" warning come from ???Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 Hello Timothy, As I moved through cyberspace looking for help with a particularly disruptive phage contamination that I've been experiencing, I landed on your site. On your "Warnings Affixed to Laboratory Doors at M.I.T." page there is what I assume to be a recent message warning of phage ,"BEWARE OF PHAGE !" it is titled. In that notice the writer speaks of having certain phage resistant strains. I really need to get in touch with that person, or someone who can direct me to that person. That mystery man is partially reveled as Tom. The guy who provided the message is named as Michael Genrich. If you can indeed lead me to this precious strain I will forever be in your debt, I will declare life long allegiance to "McSweeney's", I will buy you multiple beers and a fine diner, and the bacteria in my lab will be safe from this dastardly menace. Waiting with hope, John - - - - Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001From: "Peter Vaeth" Subject: Wild Boys Dear McSweeney's, The other night I stood up in a crowded delicatessen, looked over the other patrons, and said, "I can see you all looking at me and I know what you're thinking. Yes, I do bear a striking resemblance to Simon LeBon of Duran Duran. In fact, I sing lead vocals for a Duran Duran tribute band called 'Wild Boys.' We're playing this Friday at Gunther Murphy's, the show starts at eleven. So if you love the '80s and Duran Duran like I do, I hope to see you there." Then I sat down, finished my turkey sandwich, and left a little while later. The funny part is that none of it's true. I look nothing like Simon LeBon, can't sing, and don't even know if a Duran Duran tribute band even exists (though if one does, they surely call themselves 'Wild Boys.') But I did see Duran Duran in concert once when I was fifteen, with my girlfriend, who dumped me a few months later for a good friend of mine. It helps to write about it. Thanks for being there,
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