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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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L E T T E R S .
[Please send printable correspondence to mcsweeneysmail@yahoo.com. Thank you.] - - - - Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001From: Chuck Easterling Subject: Ecclesiastic-x-peealadocious Dear McSweeney's, I think if priests started some of their sermons with "Ya know, I was hearing confessions the other day and you'll never guess what I heard" that Mass attendance would rise dramatically. I'm just saying, Chuck Easterling - - - - Date: Fri, 2 Mar 200From: "Delahoyde, Steve" Subject: Relatives Found and Lost Dear McSweeney's, This Gabriel Delahaye who often contributes to your letters section, who is she/he? As you'll see above in the "From" section of this e-mail, my given name is "Delahoyde", uncomfortably close to said author's name. Perhaps a distant relative, removed from each other's family histories by generational movements and tomfoolery at the hands of Ellis Island employees. Is he/she Irish by decent? I am. Thank you for my continued patronage, Steve Delahoyde - - - - Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001From: "McDermott, Terry" Subject: I'm not a worker with a drinking problem, I'm a drinker with a w orking problem Dear McSweeney's, Hey, things have been hard at work lately. I've never been so swamped. Wait, did I say swamped? I meant drunk. Altered, Ter. - - - - Date: Tue, 6 Mar 200From: "Delahaye, Gabriel" Subject: The Krang Dearest McSweeney's, There was a boy in school (who I will call Krang) who thought tighty-whities were called tighty-tighties. One time another boy, who put grease in his hair, threw his skateboard under the wheels of Krang's bike. Another time a bully took apart all the screws and bolts from Krang's bike and threw them onto the roof of the school. I was called into the principal's office as a key witness. God, they hated that bike. At lunch my mom gave me Boku, which was advertised as the 'juice box for adults'. I hid the Boku under the table, fearing my classmates would think me far to bourgeoise. One day a very pretty girl told a very mediocre joke and I tried to show myself as very amused only to have Boku come squirting out my nose. Then everyone jumped up and started dancing a Busby Berkley number on the tabletops. More tragedies to be revealed later, Gabriel. - - - - Date: Wednesday, 7 MarchFrom: Ben Subject: mistaken identity Dear McSweeneys, I went a brief period of time using the pseudonym "Rolf Benirschke" in all my writings until I found out that there actually was a real person named Rolf Benirschke. That was weird. Signed, for real, Ben - - - - Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2001Subject: Kids Dear McSweeney's, Today was more of the same: snowflakes and gravy. The kids wouldn't back down during the assembly. They rushed the stage, warriors in paper mache rain-dance bonnets. So I later addressed the faculty: "If the kids don't want to back down, let them not back down." The faculty agreed. Tim Atkinsen went so far as to suggest we hand out water pistols. We all decided it was best to let the kids be kids. At the next assembly, we'll be handing out carrots and Sex Ed. literature. Thanks, Carrie Gauthier - - - - Date: Thu, 8 Mar 2001From: "Dan Kennedy" Subject: DAN KENNEDY IS NOT A VICTIM Dear McSweeney's, As I type this there are sirens wailing outside the windows of my apartment. My girlfriend appears to be concerned with my lack of concern as I continue typing to you. More sirens now. And somebody is pressing all of the buzzers on the front of my building. "Yeah?" "Fire Department. Buzz us in." "You're gonna have to come up with something better than that, pal." Safe and secure-- Dan Kennedy New York, New York - - - - Date: Fri, 9 Mar 2001From: Stephanie Drury Subject: bite this bagel Dear McSweeney's, Do you think you could fit an entire bagel bite in your mouth? I can. So you can go to hell. I just did it two times in a row. Stephanie Drury Senior Health Analyst Emergency Department - - - - Date: Sat, 10 Mar 200From: Karl Tobias Steel Subject: Moi, je deteste Dear McSweeney's: Did you know that while I was away I went to Beverly Hills, California, for a bat mitzvah? Of course it wasn't my own, and of course Southern California - barring the miniature golf I once played in Riverside - stinks. I have an idea for a morning radio talk show where I talk about all the things I hate. I know there's a lot of these, but what sets mine apart is, get this, my atrocious French. You see, my talk show will be called, "Moi, je deteste," and I will talk, haltingly and probably nonsensically, about things everyone "in the know" hates, but doesn't think worth their while to mention. I'll hate silver scooters, roller blades, fanny packs, the corporate-toadyism of the New York Times, President Bush's sickening idiocy, Bill Clinton's venality, and the rapacity of various chain stores. Oh, Eminem, too: he really gets me steamed! ("Il me fume, vraiment!") I'll let you know when the first show is. Moi, je l'aime, Karl Steel Manhattan, New York - - - - Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001Subject: Affiliation Dear McSweeney's, I enjoyed visiting your site. There could be an opportunity for us to work together. You might be interested in either getting listed on our MEDICAL portal or participate in our co-op program. If you have a moment, please let us know the right time to reach you. Thank you for your time. If this note went to the wrong person in your company, I am sorry. It's difficult to tell which email addresses are the appropriate ones to contact. If you are not interested, please let us know with the return email. We will not re-send you anything, and you have not been added to any sort of database. Consumer Relationship - - - - Read Previous Letters:
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