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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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G A B E H U D S O N ' S [Write a letter to the president.] - - - - [Gabe Hudson, a McSweeney's editor-at-large - - - - [These letters were compiled by Gabe Hudson, Jessica Rabinowitz, and Kevin Feeney.] - - - - Dear Mr. President, What is your favorite late-'70s video game: Asteroids or Space Invaders? Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, Recently, I had to take a graduation-requirement Writing Competency Exam for my school. The essay question I chose to write about had to do with the political pressure that your administration is placing on the EPA's research analysis. I mentioned Stalin sending the Darwinists to the gulag. Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, Listerine is a lie. My family invented Listerine and I can prove it. My great-grandfather, a very wealthy dentist from France, was the inventor of what was then called cepterine. He lived in a small town called Ville Teresa. There, he met a man named Mr. Lister. Mr. Lister convinced my great-grandfather that he could make more money by bringing his product to America, so my great-grandfather gave $1,000,000 to Mr. Lister to bring cepterine overseas. When my great-grandfather died on the ship, Mr. Lister took the $1,000,000 and the company and renamed it Listerine. Mr. President, I think my family deserves some credit. I have journals to prove it. Please help. Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, I've been working in Japan the past year as an English teacher, only lately deciding the time is right for me to come back to America. Being here in Japan gives you a glimpse as to what the U.S. may have been like 40 years ago. Companies go to colleges and actively search out graduates for entry-level positions. Citizens make enough money to support themselves. What happened in America? I can't find a job. "Entry-level" is regarded as a quaint anachronism, and is derided in the business sphere as not being cost-effective. You say you want to save Social Security, but wouldn't the easiest way to save it be to create incentives for businesses that create jobs for young people to fill? What is the good of reforming Social Security if my inability to pay for healthcare keeps me from being able to afford to have children, or worse, leads me to an early death? National security is more than independent energy resources or total autarky, Mr. President. National security is good schools and infrastructure, it is a strong economy where everyone pays a fair share regardless of whether or not they receive something, it is a focus on diplomacy and not backpedalling. For me, the nation is no longer a place where I can raise a family because I can hardly afford rent, let alone health insurance, school supplies, or a college education. In your second term you are free. You have the ability to set the agenda and turn your back on private money. Do something for the public good, not the private corporation. If you don't help us, Mr. President, it will be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for an American to find a good life. Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, It has come to our attention that, due to a prolonged period of rather adverse weather conditions which has now abated, the United States currently has much of our soil piled up on top of it. Granted, this did not happen during your administration, nor did it, as far as we can determine, happen during anyone's administration. We therefore hold you blameless in this matter. We would, however, like to have all of it back. This would include silt, sand, gravel, miscellaneous pieces of rock, and, of course, the topsoil. You need not return the groundwater because we do have plenty of that up here, but also to spare you the difficulty of trying to send drippy packages through the mail. Regular post would be fine, but FedEx would be splendid and also go a long way toward repairing your rather sad reputation up here. Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter. Sincerely, - - - - [NOTE: The opinions expressed in these letters do not necessarily represent those of McSweeney's, Knopf, Vintage, Kevin Feeney, Jessica Rabinowitz, |
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