G A B E H U D S O N ' S [Write a letter to the president.] - - - - [Gabe Hudson, a McSweeney's editor-at-large - - - - [These letters were compiled by Gabe Hudson, Jessica Rabinowitz, and Kevin Feeney.] - - - - Dear Mr. President, It might be possible to find oil inside Muslims. Since God gave them the land with all the oil, it only makes sense that God put lots more crude in them. I suggest a war on graves, as compressed and heated Muslims might yield the next precious drop of petroleum, which, of course, we need for plastics, fertilizer, insecticide, gasoline, Vaseline, makeup, and infinite justice. Sincerely, David Dineen-Porter, - - - - Dear Mr. President, Right after you run your fingers, one at a time, through the hair directly above my ear, you start talking about Social Security, but I cannot forget the fact that you are 35 years older than me. Even in my dream I know that you are much more likely to benefit from all of the policies that you advocate than I am. Viagra, though wonderful for our relationship, will not mask the fact that I started working when I was fourteen and still have no faith that I will retire before I die or the planet implodes. I know that you wouldn't have gone gray if you didn't have such enormous daily responsibility. And yes, your power was what attracted me to you in the first place. But here's why I have to break it off: after September 11, I heard a lot of people your age compare the destruction to Pearl Harbor, to the explosion of American barracks in Africa, to what our bombers did in Yugoslavia, to Vietnam. I said: I am 21 years old. This does not remind me of anything. My hair turned gray anyway. In my sex fantasy, while you and I are naked, my mouth covering your left nipple, I ask you for the last time: what is the opposite of death and destruction? Because I'm not sure, but I don't think that it is sex with you. Or anything with you. Not tonight. Not in my dream. Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, Didanosine is an antiviral agent. It is active against HIV-1 and HIV-2. Just some helpful information from a pharmacy student. Sincerely, - - - - Dear Mr. President, Spontaneous combustion is a serious concern of mine. I heard about the people combusting in Iraq because they've caught the terrorism. At first I wasn't worried. I've seen Iraq on a map and it's really far away. But then you got on the TV and said that we might even have terrorism in the U.S. We could all catch it. I don't want to have to stay indoors all the time worrying about combusting. Sincerely, - - - - [NOTE: The opinions expressed in these letters do not necessarily represent those of McSweeney's, Knopf, Vintage, Kevin Feeney, Jessica Rabinowitz, |
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