Timothy McSweeney's Header Image


T W E N T Y - M I N U T E
S T O R I E S .

- - - -

"Ficcione"

BY GRANT BAILIE

- - - -

I was going to set this story in Paris. I have never been to Paris, but I took two years of French in the Community College. I saw some film strips and videos that may not have even been shot in Paris (the Eiffel Tower seemed always to be suspiciously prominent in the background) but it left me with an impression of Paris that I thought might be fun to use as a setting. Thin men in black turtleneck sweaters and berets smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Thin women with the look of a perpetual kiss riding forward at the front of their face. Baguettes were being carried back and forth, as if there were great piles of baguettes out of frame on either side. And of course red checkered tablecloths and bottles being uncorked. "Telephone," somebody calls out a window. "Jean-Paul ... telephone." But in French, of course. I would have to look that up. I failed French. Maybe the textbooks are still in storage.

In my story a man and woman on vacation in France would fight about a broken camera, a wine stain, a cork crumbling into a bottle. The woman would look like my ex-wife. The man would look like me only taller and with a stronger chin.

My ex-wife and I went to Germany during the last year of our marriage. We fought about a broken camera, a beer stain, an uncooked sausage. I got drunk one night and made something that apparently could be interpreted as a pass at a pretty blond girl walking by with enormous pewter steins in either hand. You might ask me why set the story in Paris, then. A writer should write what he knows. And it is a point well taken. Write what I know. But I have never been to Germany either.

Written between 2:35 and 2:55 on 12/19/03 in my office at work with people either knocking on my door or looking in my window or calling on the phone to tell me things I really have no interest in hearing.

More Stories

 

 

- - - -

MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES

 

Memories of Amanda Davis

 


Red dot denotes content that is new today.

Black dot denotes newish content.

McSWEENEY'S STORE

SUBSCRIBE TO:
McSWEENEY'S
THE BELIEVER
WHOLPHIN

FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS

THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD

INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE

McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST

McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES

ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:
FOR BOOKS
FOR THE QUARTERLY
FOR THE WEBSITE
FOR WHOLPHIN

McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS

CONTACT US

- - - -

LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S

LISTS

McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS

McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS

NEW WHOLPHIN FILM

DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST

JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD

DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW

SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?

DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA

THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL

BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS

DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST

DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES

ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS

ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS

LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN

MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO
A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA


STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT

- - - -

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL