BY JOHN HODGMAN - - - - It would seem that we have some unfinished business, you and I. Thanks to the extremely gracious response to my request for questions, and thanks to the wonderful turn-out at both the Brookline and the Brooklyn events, and thanks to many other factors which none of us might have predicted, time escaped us, as it is prone to do, and there are questions that have been left unanswered. So my first order of business shall be to answer those questions submitted for both live events, which as you know were dedicated to the promotion of Neal Pollack. Next week, I shall at last move on to the many questions that have been submitted from those who live neither in or near Brookline nor Brooklyn. Please read to the very end to learn which questions will certainly be answered—in addition to any others which you may in the meantime submit and which I like. As always, any further questions you may have may be posed by following this link. I should note that I am expanding my area of expertise to include-aside from publishing, raw milk cheese, knee pain, and The Lord of the Rings-the making and composition of casino grade poker chips. Here are the questions from Brookline:
John Kellogg Hodgman, Former Professional Literary Agent: To answer your first question, my last name is spelled "Hodgman," which is to say, without an "e." Also, I tend to capitalize the first letters of both my last and first name. The answer, then, to your second question should be obvious: there is no future for us, and I am very insecure. Good luck!
JKH, FPLA: Giving a good title to a short story is like selling real estate to a small dog: it's an art unto itself, and it's completely futile, because no one reads short stories anyway, because obviously dogs have no need for real estate. That said, I would suggest shortening your proposed title slightly to "A&P" or "The Lottery." Your pick.
JKH, FLPA: Your question alludes to the great philosophical debate which has addled the brains of deep thinkers everywhere for a generation: am I a super genius? Now, to play your little game of "let's say," let's say indeed that I am a super genius and someone asks me for this code. Why would I tell that non-genius person anything, who would be like a worm to me? And even if I did tell them, how would the poor troglodyte even "grok" what I was saying? The real worry, I suppose, is if I were to drop the code in conversation with another super genius, in which case, I would definitely be screwed, yes. Unless I devised a super secret new language in which to speak among super geniuses, which I have.
JKH, FPLA: There is no song called "Walk on the Wils Side." Nice try, Joshua, but I should point out that trick questions are not welcome here, and they will not be answered in the future. Now let us move on to those questions which, for reasons of time or other good consideration, were omitted from the Brooklyn event.
JKH, FPLA: My leg hair is tangled and matted. I basically have the legs of a monkey. No treatment has helped, not even the secret sugaring methods of the ancient Nile. I implore you good people not to look upon me as a freak, but as a fellow publishing professional. Please be kinder in future questions. Also: the answer to the toupee question is: Scope and plenty of it.
JKH, FPLA: There is an 84% chance that Shihab will speak to you in 6 months. There is a 42% chance that Shihab will speak to you in one year. Shihab, as you have anticipated, will soon have very many high-powered friends in publishing who will make you look, by comparison, like a feeble, crotchety hunchback. I ask you: would you remain friends with a feeble, crotchety hunchback? I doubt you would. So don't blame Shihab, Chris. Blame cruel fate, and your own lack of ambition. But I like the sound of this Shihab, and I think Shihab is going places, and if Shihab is available, I would like to buy Shihab a drink and toast his good fortune. You may notice that I have said the name Shihab a lot in responding to Chris, in part because it has a nice ring to it, but mainly because, directly before the reading at Galapagos, Chris told me that, for professional reasons, Shihab asked me not to used his real name, which is Sonesh. As a result of this, I have chosen to disclose Chris's last name, which is Lorentzen. Good luck! Thank you for your attention. If you have questions, ask them here. Next week, you should likely find answers to questions posed by Lauren (no last initial given), Christine C, WriterFreakFAB, and perhaps even you. Until then, That is all. john hodgeman
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