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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.

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A D V E N T U R E S   W I T H J O N A T H A N   A M E S . - - - - CLUB   EXISTENTIAL   DREAD PART   III BY JONATHAN AMES The following is my diary from a week I spent at a Club Med resort located in Turks and Caicos, a small chain of magnificent islands in the British West Indies. I originally wrote this diary for Details magazine, but they chose not to publish it. I'm not sure why they didn't go for it, but I think I didn't file the kind of report they were looking for. Day 3, July 4, Independence Day 10:00 a.m. I went to the nurse and asked her to put sunblock on my back. She's in her fifties, blonde, and covered in cancer-freckles. She applied my sunblock with a rubber glove. My own sense of germ-propriety agreed with her use of the rubber glove. Also, the humiliation of it appealed to me masochistically. Confirmed my utter-loser status here. 1:40 p.m. To celebrate the 4th, they released all these red, white, and blue soy balloons, which are environmentally safe. Vegetarian seagulls can eat them. The balloons looked beautiful in the sky, like a gigantic DNA helix. 7:00 p.m. My body is completely falling apart. I was at the beach and felt this lump on the back of my head. I decided to squeeze it. A clear fluid, like baby oil, came out. The lump was reduced in size by about 60 percent. What the hell was that oil? Was the thing a zit or a cyst? Probably a combination. A zyst. Then my crotch began to hurt. I have massive weltish jock itch from sitting in a wet bathing suit for three days. Luckily, I packed fungus cream for the preexisting jock itch I have in my ass, but I'm almost out of the stuff. Will have to ration it between my ass and my crotch. I don't know how much more pathetic I can become. When I told my girlfriend a few weeks ago that I have athlete's foot in my ass, she said: "Which athlete?" At five-thirty there was a softball game. I watched it briefly. My doppelgänger was playing. He was actually picked last. Then he nearly struck out. With two strikes, he hit a weak grounder to first and ran heroically but didn't make it. At least he hit the ball. If he had struck out, I might have had to kill myself. 12:30 a.m. I've been watching a Twilight Zone marathon. There was an episode where a beautiful woman lived in a world of ugly people and so she was considered hideous. That's kind of like me and the doppelgänger. Except we really are ugly. MORE CLUB MED

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS B.R. COHEN'S DAYS AT THE MUSEUM CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS GRANT MUNROE'S CORPORATE FOLKTALES SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL