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In eight illustrated books, elegantly held together in a single beribboned case, McSweeney's Issue 28 explores the state of the fable. For the next two days, it's $5 off.

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M c S W E E N E Y ' S
B R A I N   E X P L O D E R


EDITED BY CARLTON DOBY


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"Old-Timey Blurb Action"

We love old books. We love the way they look and the way they feel. We even love the way they smell, though we realize the odor is probably mold. The one thing we generally don't like to do with old books is read them. Frankly, old books are frequently long and wordy and boring. Our theory is that in olden times there weren't many other books for people to move on to when they were done, so no one cared if authors rambled on and on and on with no discernible point. Readers didn't have anyplace else to be.

We were looking through one of our old books recently. It's a famous nineteenth-century novel by a famous American author and it's terrible. Most everyone has heard of it, but hardly anyone has read it so they don't know how bad it is. They assume it must be good because it's still so well-known. In the back of the book (this is an early-twentieth-century edition) are a dozen or so pages of ads for other books by the same publisher, all of them equally as bad as this one, we bet, if not as well remembered. For just seventy-five cents, the ads offer reissues of "great literary successes," and claim the books are "library-sized," whatever that means. Because it's our particular bias, we thought these ads would make good puzzles.

Each clue will provide you with a word, abbreviation, part of speech, or proper noun. Put these answers together in each series and you will find the word that has been redacted from an old magazine or newspaper blurb promoting a library-sized literary success. The clues could be common definitions of uncommon words, or uncommon definitions of common words.

For instance, if the correct answer were "melodramatic," the clues might be:

1. City in northeast Uruguay. (Melo)
2. Unit of apothecaries' weight. (dram)
3. A small in men's pajama sizes, once. (A)
4. "A sudden, spasmodic, painless, involuntary muscular contraction as of the face." (tic)

Send your answers to carltondoby@hotmail.com by noon on Friday, January 23. The winner of a McSweeney's book will be chosen at random from all correct (or at least plausible) answers.

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THE AFFAIR AT THE INN by Kate Douglas Wiggin

"As __________ clever in the writing as it is entertaining in the reading. It is actual comedy of the most artistic sort and it is handled with a freshness and originality that is unquestionably novel."
—Boston Transcript.

1. The portion of a hive in which honey is stored.
2. Not long.
3. Intravenous.
4. Hunky TV Tarzan.

"A feast of humor and good cheer, yet subtly pervaded by special shades of feeling, fancy, tenderness, or __________. A merry thing in prose."
—St. Louis Democrat.

1. A vertical drum, often horse-operated, for winding in a hoisting rope.
2. To incite an attack.
3. Wife of Robert Evans and a famed poet-warrior.
4. Hunky TV carpenter.

ROSE O' THE RIVER by Kate Douglas Wiggin

"A charming bit of __________, gracefully written and deftly touched with a gentle humor. It is a dainty book."
—New York Tribune.

1. An aluminum coin of Indonesia, the hundredth-part of a rupiah.
2. "The system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future."
3. Rn, formerly.

"An __________ story, replete with pathos and inimitable humor. As story-telling it is perfection, and as portrait-painting it is true to the life."
—London Mail.

1. Suffix from the Greek meaning "descendant of" used to indicate members of a zoological family.
2. Chemical suffix used in the naming of radicals.
3. Solmization syllable used for the semitone between the sixth and seventh degrees of a scale.
4. Carbon.

3. TILLIE: A MENNONITE MAID by Helen R. Martin

"The little Mennonite Maid who wanders through these pages is something quite new in fiction. Tillie is hungry for books and beauty and love; and she comes into her __________ at the end. Tillie is faulty, sensitive, big-hearted, eminently human, and first, last and always lovable. Her charm glows warmly, the story is well handled, the characters skillfully developed."
—The Book Buyer.

1. Holes ten through eighteen.
2. Fifth letter of the Hebrew alphabet.
3. Cosmic order to some.
4. Nurse Corps.
5. Award flag presented by the U.S. Army and Navy during World War II to factories meeting or surpassing production schedules of war materials.

[NOTE: Certain definitions taken from the Unabridged Random House Dictionary of the English Language].

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DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION

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SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON

STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE

DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET

KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE

SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY

LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES

THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST

ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT

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ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS

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LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY

DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY

ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY

DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE

JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES

B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE

INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS

OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

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MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY

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