O magazine says about Michael Chabon's Maps and Legends: "Vital energy and a boundless appetite for risk give these essays their electric charge." Get the book for $5 off its cover price in our online store. - - - -

M c S W E E N E Y ' S B R A I N   E X P L O D E R EDITED BY CARLTON DOBY - - - - L O N G - D I S T A N C E S O N G - P A R O D Y D E D I C A T I O N : " C H E R R Y   P I E . " August 27 Dear Carlton, My fiancé Billy was shipped off to the Persian Gulf eight months ago. During the war in Iraq, he wrote when he could, but my primary source of information concerning his whereabouts came from CNN and, specifically, the daily press briefings by Brigadier General Vincent Brooks. Handsome and confident, the assured manner in which General Brooks related the events of each day made me proud of my country and proud of my man. Knowing that soldiers like General Brooks were in command of the troops allowed me to sleep soundly each night, looking forward to the day when Billy would come home and cast his eyes on our baby son for the very first time. With the "major hostilities" over, it seems as though they've mothballed General Brooks, and wellÉI miss him. Not as much as I miss Billy, but still. So please, Carlton, could you write a song parody about Brigadier General Vincent Brooks, sung to the tune of Warrant's "Cherry Pie"? Sincerely, Lisa S. Fort Benning, GA Well Lisa, for you and for every American with a loved one fighting for freedom overseas, here is your Long-Distance Song Parody Dedication: M.R.E (Meal Ready to Eat) (sung to the tune of Warrant's "Cherry Pie") Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. Briefin' in the mess tent Briefin' in the sand Briefin' in the Bradley RPG in her hand Briefin' in the Hummer S'why they call me smooth A double entendre Flanking move, yea Briefin' up in Baghdad She's as hot as Hades Extend my supply line Along the Euphrates Briefin' her at CentCom In Doha, Qatar Have you tried freeze-dried, M.R.E butter? Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. You see one star 'Cuz I'm a Brigadier Briefin' every mornin' Of my Army career Feed me M.R.E. War correspondent she can make me scream My dagger's pointed at the heart of her regime Sweet M.R.E. - - - - Now for this week's puzzle. Form as many words as possible from the following letters: BRIGADIER GENERAL VINCENT BROOKS Order your words from shortest to longest. Give yourself one point for every letter in the first word, two points for each letter in the second, three points for every letter in the third, and so on. (You can only have one word for each ascending length, i.e., one one letter word, one two letter word, etc…) Add another 100 points for having no letters left over. Entries should be sent by noon Friday to carltondoby@hotmail.com. The person with the most points will receive a McSweeney's book. In the case of a tie, the winner will be selected at random from the highest scorers. Standard Scrabble rules apply to eligible words. To quote the box: "All (English) words labeled as a part of speech (including those listed of foreign origin and archaic, obsolete, colloquial, slang, etc.) are permitted with the exception of the following: words always capitalized, abbreviations, prefixes and suffixes standing alone, words requiring a hyphen or apostrophe." Our arbitrator will be Webster's Unabridged Third International Dictionary. - - - -     MORE BRAIN EXPLODERS

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL