E X P E R T   H E L P F O R   Y O U R   F A N T A S Y B A S E B A L L   F R A N C H I S E BY RICK PAULAS - - - - SCIENTIFICALLY PROJECTED STATS FOR THE 2004 SEASON AFTER THREE WEEKS OF BASEBALL Barry Bonds: 97 HRs; .500 Batting Average; 7 Records Broken; 302 Bonds Batting Updates on ESPN; 1 Triple Crown Award Bobby Crosby: 231 KOs; 12 Expectations Unfulfilled; 1 Miguel Tejada Guffaw PETCO Park: 90 HRs; 621 Complaints by Padres Players; 12 PETA Protests Detroit Tigers: 97-65 Record; 11,213 Holy Shits Exclaimed; 2 Drunk Preseason Gamblers Given a Hefty Allowance for More Booze Dontrelle Willis: 34-0; 0.00 ERA; .667 Batting Average; 132 Words Eaten by Myself After "Ten Tips" Article Alex Rodriguez: 21 HRs; .203 Batting Average; 214,132 Fantasy Teams Destroyed Rob Neyer: 96 Columns; 24 Online Chat Sessions; 12,392 Mentions of Billy Beane's Genius Larry Walker: 0 At-Bats; 6 Dead People Found on Lawn; 854 Entries into Comedic Baseball Columns Ozzie Guillen: 721 Outbursts by Fans Regarding His Stupidity; 1,231 Outbursts by Fans Regarding His Brilliance; 548,298 Swears Uttered in Post-Game Interviews Philadelphia Phillies: 62-100 Record; 2 Stadiums Destroyed; 4,823 Contracts "Put Out" on Larry Bowa Mark Prior: 162 Pitching Updates; 0 Batters Faced; 18 Mystery Ailments; 0 Bartmans to Blame for Futility - - - - Got a question for our fantasy baseball expert? Email ZonDimmer@hotmail.com. - - - - MORE FANTASY BASEBALL

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