E-mails Sent to the
University of Alabama
English Department
Flag-Football Team.
- - - -
The University of Alabama English Department Football League (UAEDFL) was founded in 2007 and has since established a weekly event involving cleats, tear-away flags, and a highly elaborate rule book. Before each contest, Brian Oliu, the league's commissioner, sends an e-mail to the English Department Listserv to rally these poet-athletes. From time to time, we'll be sharing these missives with you.
- - - -
E - M A I L 11
ATTENTION: It's Time for Basketball.
- - - -
Hello Dear Friend,
Please be patient. It is very important you read this e-mail. I am Mr. Brian Edward Xavier Oliu, the Assistant Director of Basketball Operations of the DBS Tuscaloosa Ltd, Cork Planet Building, 202-210 Castle Peak Road.
A Tennessee buisness man named Austin Whitver made several numbered-fixed deposits for 18 calendar months. The amount of these deposits is valued at $14,400,000.00 and resides in my branch. Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, but we never recieved a response. Later on we learned that Austin Whitver and his family had been put into hiding by a bomb blast that hit their home in Nashville where his personal oil well was located. After further investigation, it was also discovered that Austin Whitver did not declare any next of kin in his official papers, including the paper work on his bank deposit.
Additionally, during my last meeting with him he confided to me that no one except me knew of his deposits in my bank. So, $14,400,000 is still lying in my branch and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that, according to the laws of my country, at the expiration of five years and six months the funds will revert to the Alabama English Department, and more specifically to Frederick Whiting, an assistant professor of English, if nobody applies to claim them.
My proposal is this: I am prepared to place you as the next of kin in a position to instruct DBS Tuscaloosa Ltd to release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you 50/50. That is: I will nominate you as the next of kin of Austin Whitver and have them release the deposit to you. You will name your child "Austin Whitver [Last name]" and you will talk about his great success on the court where basketball is played. We share the proceeds 50/50. I would have gone ahead to ask the funds be released to me, but that would have drawn a straight line in my involvement in claiming the deposit.
I assure you that I could have the deposit released to you within a few days. I will simply inform the bank of the final closing of the file relating to Austin Whitver. I will then officially communicate with my bank and instruct them to release the deposit to you. With this all is done. I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this e-mail.
I ask that you do not be vindictive or destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you.
Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people similar to me who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the entire private banking sector.
I am not a criminal. This may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move. Such opportunities only come one's way once in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by, because for once in my life I find myself in total control of my destiny. I can't let this chance pass me by. You may think me a villain like in Robocop but I am not a villain like in Robocop I am a man much like Robocop, but only before he was turned into Robocop.
I am the only one who knows of this situation. Good fortune has blessed you with a name that has planted you into the center of relevance in my life. Let's share this blessing.
If you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a conclusion. I wish to inform you that should you contact me via official channels I will deny knowing about you or this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through my official phone lines, nor do I want you contacting me through my official e-mail account. I do not want any notable direct link between you and me. Please observe this instruction religiously.
I am a family man. I have a wife and a small child who I cherish very much. She likes to watch the sailboats. I send you this mailing not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences might be, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained, and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence.
Please, if you are interested, please do send me YOUR FULL NAME, YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER, FAX NUMBER, CURRENT RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, AND THE FOUR LAST DIGITS OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT ROUTING NUMBER, WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON THE BOTTOM LEFTHAND CORNER OF YOUR PERSONAL CHEQUES.
From this point on, I prefer it if you reach me through my personal e-mail address (beoliu@gmail.com). In the near future I will provide you with more details on the transaction. Please remember that such opportunities only come once in a lifetime.
Furthermore, if you would like to be on the basketball mailing list, please contact me at this same address.
You can also be able to find me this
SATURDAY, 10 AM, AT THE REC CENTER
for a game of basketball as praise for Austin Whitver.
Sincerely,
Mr. Brian Edward Xavier Oliu, President, University of Alabama English Department Basketball Association
- - - -
MORE E-MAILS
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
