A P L A Y B Y
L A W R E N C E K R A U S E R :
H O R R I B L E C H I L D .
- - - -
An early version of this play was staged by the East Village Theatre Company in New York in 1995; the play was further developed at the Printer's Devil Theatre in Seattle, who debuted the current version in a 1998 production, revived in 2001 at Tonic in New York. Broke Theatre Company produced HC in Texas and Oklahoma in Fall, 2001.
- - - -
Characters.
P, father
Q, mother
HC, Horrible Child, of indeterminate sex, the only offspring of P and Q Child
T, Terrible, The Delightful Executioner, of indeterminate sex
- - - -
ACT I
(P and Q)
P
Horrible
Q
Horrible, what it is
P
Unbelievable
Q
Incredible, it's like a bad dream
P
A nightmare, like having a miniature Caligula
in the middle of our home
Q
In the middle of the living room
P
Horrible
Q
Horrible. When it was born we hired a
professional courtroom artist to do
sketches in the delivery room
P
This is how it thanks us
Q
The artist died of shock — why not we?
P
No such luck
Q
Horrible. I can't even bear to look
at them anymore, those sketches
P
Professional drawings! My spouse can't even
Q
I can't, I won't
P
look at them anymore because of the horrible
Q
When I think of the agony I endured
giving birth to that
P
that
Q
that
P
that
Q
that
P,Q
That Monster! That Horrible Monster!
(PAUSE)
P
Do you remember the rose petals we scattered
on our stomach when we found out we were pregnant?
Q
Do you remember how we danced the night after
the afternoon we learned we were with child?
P
I remember the gold filling in the doctor's
rear-left mouth the moment he said the word:
P,Q
PREGNANT
P
How it glistened during the first syllable
Q
PREG...
P
and expanded and burst like a star
Q
the entire cavity of his mouth, bright
P
blinding — How he yelped, his mouth scorched,
light flying from his mouth, filling
the entire office with the second syllable
Q
-NANT!
P
crashing through the window, shattering glass
Q
cascading out into the still, crisp air
P,Q
that late Thursday afternoon in winter
Q
on this unmoored continent adrift in the seas
P
of this spherical clump of matter in space
Q
how the word thawed the ice
on the windshield of our automobile
as we sat there in the parking lot that Thursday
P
how we sat there holding hands
P,Q
pregnant
Q
as the word did its work
loosening the molecules of ice as we sat,
P
As we sat
P,Q
as we sat there pregnant, and full of hope—
P
Deceitful memory.
Q
False harbinger.
P
Vestigial joy.
(PAUSE)
Q
What's that?!
P
Where?
Q
Thought I heard something.
P
Her? I don't. Him?
Q
Her?
P
Him.
Q
It.
P
It. Don't hear It.
Q
Doesn't mean much.
Hearing could be going, ours
P
Or It could have acquired a degree of stealth
since last we heard It.
Q
Wouldn't be out of character.
P
Wily imp
Q
Sub-imp
P
O what hopes we had
Q
What was that?
P
A noise!
Q
Thought I saw something
P
The Child?
Q
The same, thought I saw it over there somewhere.
Or over there. Somewhere. Or heard it. Miserable.
P
Miserable child.
P,Q
Miserable life.
(PAUSE)
Q
Nature?
P
Nurture?
P,Q
Neither.
(PAUSE)
P
Who can tell the why or wherefore?
Q
Who can explain the mysteries of Being and Becoming?
P
Whose idea was it to murder our parents,
that they need not suffer a Horrible Grandchild?
Q
Whose idea was it to slay, to spare all those
whose paths It might have crossed?
P
If only we could have gotten close enough
to the Horrible Thing Itself
Q
If only
P,Q
If
* * *
(HC)
HC
I'm not so bad as they say.
"They." They that made me?
Nay. They? Who are they?
I'm not as bad as is reputed,
tooted in the common fray
merely of my merrysay looted.
Horrible? Me? No. Me, horrible? No!
Not even the speck of a gram of a fleck
of a dram of the dregs of the dreck of it.
Sir? Miss? Do you see horrible in this?
I'll give you three better proposals:
a twig in a typhoon, a match in a monsoon,
and, in the path of a pin, a balloon.
Horrible, nope, not me, no way,
None, never, uh-uh, not I.
* * *
(P, Q, and HC)
P
Pretty horrible
Q
Not unhorrible at all
HC
Well —
Q
Despicable?
P
Hardly amicable
HC
To begin with —
P
Predictable
Q
worse: unpredictable
HC
Let me say that —
(PAUSE)
P
Just terrible
Q
Just?
HC
To start with —
P
Unjust
Q
Unadjustable
P
Maladjusted
HC
Just a minute —
(PAUSE)
HC
Lovable
Q
Insufferable
P
Suffocating
(PAUSE)
P
Troublesome
HC
Wantable
P
Undauntable
(PAUSE)
Q
Abominable
HC
Phenomenal
Q
Criminal
P
Inscrutable
HC
Beautiful
Q
Indescribably unbearable
P
Not conveivably pairable
Q
Indubitably, uncomparably
HC
Tintinabulatingly unsparably dutiful
P
Doubtful
(PAUSE)
Q
Doubting
P
Shouting
Q
Selftouting
(PAUSE)
P
Despicable
Q
Fickle
P
Sicklecell
Q
Hell
HC
Swell
Q
Hell
HC
Swell
P
Smell
HC
YOU CREATED ME!
P,Q
WOE IS US!
P
(to Q)
"Woe are we"?
Q
Who last had the manual of style?
Was it you?
P
I think you.
* * *
(HC, P, and Q)
HC
Will you tell me a story?
Q
Of course, Horrible. Any requests?
HC
Tell me about the day I was born.
Q
Oh P, do you want to give me a hand with this?
P
Of course, darling.
Q
The day I evicted you from my womb
was the most Horrible day I had ever known
up until that point.
HC
And you'd known some pretty bad days, hadn't you, Q?
Q
I surely had. But this was the worst.
Even so, compared to what has followed
it was one of the best days of my life.
HC
How bad was it, Q?
Q
Well, the pains were abominable
P
You were unbearable even before birth
Q
And yet
P
And yet, so entirely did we dread your debut
Q
We knew you were going to be horrible, Horrible,
and the closer you got to existing
P
with each hour that went by
Q
with each excruciating spasm of doom
P,Q
every second that went by without you
grew sweeter and sweeter
because you were not yet with us
Q
and we were loving the time that went by
P
and our celebration mounted and multiplied
in the continuing absence of your nativity
Q
and the clock ticked and tocked and still
your horrendous fetus remained invisible
P
and time was so drenched and drunk and slow
with your nonexistence, and we were dancing
and shouting for joy to still be living
without you
Q
then suddenly you —
P
you —
Q
you —
P,Q
you —
HC
I was born?
P
That's right, Horrible, you were born.
Q
And we became a family. Now try and get some sleep.
HC
Good night, P. Good night, Q.
(HC exits)
* * *
(P and Q)
P
Remember the rabbit?
Q
I dothat rabbit.
P
That horrible rabbit.
Q
That unditchable habit of It
P,Q
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT OF THAT HORRIBLE CHILD
THAT HORRIBLE CHILD OF OURS
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT OF IT
Q
You know, actually I remember: You liked that rabbit
P
The Horrible Rabbit? Never!
Q
No, I remember, you liked it. You said:
P
I never
Q
I remember you saying to our Wonderful Friends,
you said:
He is so cute.
Little pellets all over the house
So innocent
P
No, that was you who liked the Horrible Rabbit
Q
No
P
Yes, I remember
I remember you liking the Horrible Rabbit
I remember you saying
Q
I never
P
Yes, I remember you talking about him:
Darwin had quite a sense of humor
To create an animal
that has such a tremendous sense of humor,
a quality I treasure in a pet.
I had a dog when I was a child,
a wonderful dog, but...
Q
...couldn't take a joke;
This Wonderful Rabbit,
now he's something else,
never says anything
but there's a glimmer in his eye,
he's a funny animal —
You know, I do remember saying that. Vaguely.
(Enter HC with rabbit puppet)
HC
Accommmodations can be made!
Arrangements can be made!
Congratulations and recommendations,
Doldrums and necessary addendums unneeded,
Citations and excitations in a satisfying proportion!
Pomp pimps fired, rubber retired!
Everything will make clear and beautiful sense
to everybody and the purpose of our existence
will be explained! Megaflops and microwaves in our
heads will make of the world one true democracy!
Expectations shall be raised and satisfied!
Relations shall be written and ratified!
Anything can be done! Just give me five minutes!
P,Q
THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT
THAT HORRIBLE HORRIBLE RABBIT
P
Mammal only by grace
Q
Nothing to do with soul
P
Nothing to do with metabolism
Q
What was its name?
P,Q
THE HORRIBLE NAME OF THAT HORRIBLE RABBIT
OF THAT HORRIBLE CHILD OF OURS
Q
That horrible horrible name,
what was it? Horrible horrible
P
horrible horrible — Aardvark?
Q
No, Babbit?
P
No, Rasta?
Q
No, Rarebit?
P
No—
Q
I remember!
P
What was it?
Q
Goober!
P,Q
Webster's Ninth, “One who goobs,
noun intransitive,” Goober.
P,HC
Mammal only by grace!
Q,HC
Named for his own excrement!
P,HC
His entire life a heartattack!
Q
But as they say, what's in a name?
P
Ah see, you're soft on him
Q
No, it was you who sang love songs
to the Horrible Rabbit:
Oh, Wonderful Rabbit
It's been a long time to you, not to me;
An ounce of my life, a pound of yours,
my minutes your years, my tickle your tears;
How I weep, o rabbit,
at the haste and tonnage of your time
at the meat and spinach of your fears...
P
And the rain that's falling,
it feels like years since it's rained like that
...And now, as the sky clears
and you and I sit, rabbit, facing each other;
and as you remain in your cage
(although the door is open)
and I remain in this uncomfortable position
I feel the passage of my own time,
I see it speeding by,
the speed of those clouds in the clearing sky.
Tell me, rabbit, as we wait on this night
&
or the others to come home
is that the car in the driveway?
As we wait, do we together know
the passage of Time?
O rabbit, are you hearing me?
Rabbit are you hearing me?
P,Q
Goober Goober with your eyes so bright
Goober with your fur so brown and white
Who'd have thought you'd come to naught?
P,Q,HC
Fur in our arteries till Death,
molecules of the wheeze of Goober
in our memorizing mouths' every Breath;
Goober Scoober Doober, underneath a tree,
with us you will always be.
* * *
(P and Q, with HC asleep nearby)
P
Whose idea was it not to kill It?
Q
The Horrible Child or the Horrible Rabbit?
P
The Horrible Child. Don't you remember?
Q
Yes, we were all set
P
We had everything ready
Q
It was asleep,
our onetime wouldbe pride and joy
P
It was you who'd wanted a boy
Q
Never
P
Yes, it was you who said:
“How I hope it's a boy!”
Q
I think you, P
P
I think you, Q
Q
Well it isn't a boy
P
Well it might be.
(PAUSE)
(P and Q tiptoe toward HC)
Q
The Horrible Child Was Sleeping
and up to It we were creeping
P
A noose, a pistol, a hand grenade
Q
It was snoring that Horrible Snore...
(Q,P
[to audience]
While it might seem a tragedy
to resort unto strategy
for such a familiar malady
Q
— that of a horrible child —
Q,P
we say:
P
This is no ordinary horrible child,
Q
This is not what you call a horrible child,
P, Q
This is The Horrible Child
Q
This is the gruel and saucer.)
P
It's a shame we never knew what sex It was.
Q
Maybe there'll be an autopsy and we'll find out.
P
Well...Here. Tie this end to the chandelier,
I'll put this around Its neck, and in just a few
moments we'll be free!
Q
Can you imagine! Life without the Horrible Child!
P
You know, I've seen murder on TV so often,
but I've never been to an actual murder.
Q
Nor I. Oh darling
(they kiss, then abruptly break off)
P
You relented! You peacenik! What a wonderful
opportunity to do away with the Horrible
Child — gone forever.
Q
It was you who gave in.
P
I think you.
Q
I think you.
* * *
(HC sleeps, P and Q approach)
P
Horrible, wake up!
HC
Let me sleep!
Q
It's time for the Project!
HC
It's three in the morning!
Q
Project time!
HC
Do it without me!
Q
The Project requires three!
HC
Let's do it tomorrow!
P
Horrible, now!
HC
I don't want to do the Project!
Q
But it's time to do the Project!
HC
Tomorrow
P
Now
HC
Tomorrow
Q
Now
HC (sim.) P,Q
Tomorrow Now
(PAUSE)
Q
Here we go
P
And we're off
Q
Let the Project begin. Horrible?
HC (reading)
O Projector,
were it not for you, where would we be?
P
Coiled in canisters dingeless but dark,
outside time, tightly wound, oblivious;
Q
Forever falling long of two dimensions;
sprocketed not with profit and joy.
HC
We are puny climbers; the infinite wall
before us but the first of innumerable stairs
leading up to the Projection Room —
Hey, what does "Projector" mean?
Q
"Projector"the reason we call it "The Project."
HC
Oh.
Q
Shhh.
P
Q, why don't you read.
Q
"There once was a time when there were
twelve profits and joys, numbering but a
dozen; and some called them two sixes of
profits and joys, and some called them
half the joys and profits numbering
twenty-four, but all were certain that
there were the amount of profits and
joys that all have ever known as twelve,
and thanks were given to the twelve
profits and joys that the Projector did
bestow. And the dailies were shown as
ever they were, each day, or as some
have said, daily; and there came a day
when the dailies did reveal a thirteenth
profit and/or joy — "
Q,P,HC
for such are profit and joy that day-to-day
one may appear as the other; such are the profits
and joys of the dailies
Q
"And lo, there was much rejoicing; and some
called them a dozen plus one profits and joys,
and others did say a six and a seven, and
some did call them half of twenty-six;
but on this they did all agree: that
there were now a Baker's Dozen of profits
and joys; and thus did the Projector come
to be known here and there from time to
time as the Baker; but we do know the
true name of the Baker to be the
Projector." Together:
Q,P,HC
O Projector, we thank thee for thy Projections.
P
"And I went to the place where there were
none of us, on a night when none of us were
anywhere and I sat out in the open and told
myself several things about myself. And I went
into the beautiful room, and there was someone
there already calling out 'How beautiful!' and
this voice echoed and echoed, bouncing off of
cylinders, towers of canisters of gleaming
silver film." Horrible? Horrible!
Q
Horrible, snap out of it!
P
Wake up!
HC
What, what?
P
It's your line!
HC
Where?
P,Q
Top of the page.
HC
It's too dark in here, I can't see —
Q
(hands something to HC)
Take this, it will dilate your eyes.
(HC pops it into mouth)
P
Got it?
HC
Yeah.
Q
OK.
P
Now the rhythm is ruined.
Q
Take it back a little.
P
OK, uh..."And this voice echoed and echoed, bouncing
off of cylinders, towers of canisters of...film."
(PAUSE)
Q,P
Horrible!
HC
— I know, I know! "And the voice called again,
'Beautiful, beautiful! The film untried, unseen,
all here and yet all to come. Remain here and
become my lens, through which I will project the
film over the heads of the world!'"
P
It's time for the white noise —
HC, where are the matches?
HC
Do you know what matches can do, P?
P
We're just going to light one, HC, not make one.
HC
Well, careful where you do it.
P
Now Q, the TV.
Q
OK...
(Q turns on the TV)
P,Q,HC
Your Big Picture began with time
began with light, began with time,
flying outward
Q
The center of Your blossoming sphere
is the average and eventual direction of all gravity
P
The velocity of gravity is the opposite
of the velocity of light
Q
Mind is the everplay of light and gravity
HC
So darkness, or any deviation from white light, we're
actually seeing gravity, or seeing the effect of gravity —
Q
Shhhh!
P
Stick to the text!
The end of the picture takes all time
Q
the start of the picture takes no time
P,Q
both are impossible save for the Projector.
P,Q,HC
We thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector,
whose rotations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
whose permutations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
whose appellations have enabled us to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector
without whose suggestions we would not exist to
thank the Perpetual Motion Picture Projector —
P
Mind is the cradle of thought is the vessel of mind
Q
Mind becomes thought becomes mind
HC
The one, expressed, proceeds into the all
P
Through thought, mind makes itself;
mind is the maker of thought
Q
is the maker of mind is the matter of
P
thought is the means of
Q
mind is massless matter is
HC
thought unminded is
Q
mind unthought is
P
mind unformed
Q
is matter unmined —
HC
Massacre!
P
By monologue
HC
Genocide!
Q
By travelogue
HC
Torture!
P
By dialogue
Q
By the book!
P
By catalogue
P,Q,HC
Flourish, Fermata, At Ease, and hail to the Projector
without whom we would be unable to thank the Projector
without whom we would be unable to hail the Projector,
whom we thank now for existing so that we may hail and
thank the Projector whom we hail now for existing so
that we may thank and hail the Projector as we do now.
P
Break a leg
Q
Break a leg
HC
Break a leg —
Can I go back to sleep now?
P
Why?
HC
I have to dream of the Projector.
P
Run along, HC.
HC
Good night Q. Good night, P.
(HC exits)
* * *
(HC, P, Q)
HC
Dear Terrible,
P
It never talks to us
HC
Thank you for being my pen-pal.
P
Did we teach it to speak?
Q
I know I've heard it shriek
P
I've heard it strategically squeak
Q
deceitfully creak
P
I've heard it sound like from an ostrich beak
HC
Although there is an E at the end of my
name, which, in French, anyway, indicates
the feminine, please note that there are
cases in which just one E really means
masculine, and two means feminine.
Q
No wait, I recall a mild squall of civility
P
you've cracked
Q
A rash of tact
P
impossibility
Q
No, I distinctly remember in May
P
No, what you remember is September,
I remember the day; it wasn't HC,
it was the Volunteer Fireman's Wedding
down on Main Street
Q
It was the Horrible Child
P
It was the Fireman's Wedding —
HC
So as to my sex, I'm afraid I must answer that
I do not know. The thing is — there's too much
hair to tell, too much even for an XRay. And
it's too hot toward the center to feel manually...
P
We've heard it freak and leak and reek
Q
I'm surely sure I've heard it speak
P
We've never heard it speak —
It doesn't speak; we've heard it screak,
We've heard it sound like a thrashing
animal sounds to a delicate antique
HC
Once I melted a thermometer down there, and
all the mercury got all over the floor. When
the glass cooled it was very uncomfortable.
For weeks, I wept like an infant. I was an
infant. But I'm older now. And I have just
one request:
Q
No, I remember the sound
of the Blasted Scoundrel Talking
P
squawking, maybe, balking
Q
talking
P
hawking, maybe hacking
Q
talking
HC
Would you please include more dirty words
in your letters? P and Q, the people who
I live with and who made me, tend to be
rather refined in their manners
P
hucking, clucking, maybe, faxing
Q
talking
P
maybe cracking
Q
talking
P
ticking, maybe
Q
talking
P
maybe tacking
Q
talking
P
tocking?
Q
talking
P
talking, you say?
Q
talking
P
talking?
Q
talking
(P and Q continue...)
HC
Oh sure, I tried it once as an experiment.
I thought that if maybe I tried treating them
as creatures capable of sympathy, of human
feeling, then maybeif onlywho was I kidding?
Sure, I tried speaking like a normal human being,
I tried talking —
(to P and Q)
It.
(PAUSE)
P
What?
HC
It.
P
What do you mean, “It”?
HC
It.
P
(to Q)
What does It mean?
Q
It.
HC
It.
Q
It.
HC
You.
P
What?
HC
You.
P
What do you mean, “You”?
HC
You.
P
(to Q)
What does It mean?
Q
You.
HC
You.
(rapid:)
P
What are you asking?
HC
What are you talking about?
Q
What are you saying?
HC
What do you mean?
Q
What do you mean?
P
Uhuh; never spoke; cried at the yoke,
choked on its Coke, never spoke.
Blitzkrieg on our ears for years
in all that time it never spoke
Q
Once
P
Never
HC
Once
P
Never ever
Q
I remember
P
Never
Q
Remember
P
Never Maybe once
Q
Right
P
But no more than once — laughable ration!
HC
Sure, once. I pried it from my mouth like taffy;
I spoke to them as if they were capable of compassion —
(to P and Q)
I've been thinking . . .
P
About what?
HC
Beeswax.
P
(alarmed)
You didn't say what I thought you did,
did you, Horrible?
HC
I don't know what you thought I said.
“Beeswax” is what I said; it's what
I've been thinking about.
P
I thought you said beeswax. So beeswax is what
you've been thinking about and what you are
talking about. Well then. Mate! The Horrible
Child has been thinking and speaking.
Q
About what?
HC,P
Beeswax.
Q
The Child speaks of beeswax?
P
The Child speaks of beeswax.
HC
And also do I think of beeswax.
Q
After all these years
How many years? three? four?
P
I think three or four
Q
After three or four years of Nonstop Evil,
It claims to think of beeswax, to speak
of beeswax?
HC
It's not a claim, it's a fact.
P
Well let's hear no more about beeswax.
HC
But it's on my mind.
P
Well take your mind out from under it.
Q
Don't you ever, ever use that word, are you
listening, HC? From your mouth it sounds like
a swarm of poisonous wasps
HC
But —
P
But not! Just keep an eye on your mouth, mister
misswhatever you are. If we teach you nothing
else. If you heed our word ever again not, spare
us the excruciating novelty of hearing that word
'scape your lips. Some things you don't talk about.
HC
Why not?
Q
"Why," you mean.
P
No, Q, "Why not" is proper phrasing.
Q
Hm. Perhaps you're right.
HC
Why not?
P
Regarding beeswax, HC, the more you talk,
the worse your life.
Q
Talk is the excrement of the soul.
P
Good things are better left unsaid.
HC
I see.
Q
Don't say "I see." Say:
"Why didn't you tell me yesterday?"
HC
Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?
Q
Close enough.
P
Bminus.
Q
Now try this: "Why me?"
HC
Why me?
Q
Not bad, try it once more, this time
see if you can pronounce the H in "why."
Enunciate!
P
"Why me?" Repeat: "WHHHY me?"
HC
WHHHHHH-Y me?
P
That's much better!
Q
Now. “Wit's end." Noun, adjective, adverb,
verb. Noun: I'm at my wit's end.
HC
I'm at my wit's end, noun.
Q
Adjective: You're looking very wit's endy today.
HC
You're looking very wit's endy today, adjective.
Q
Adverb: Jane crossed the street wit's endedly.
HC
Jane crossed the street wit's endedly, adverb.
Q
Verb: Tom wit's ended himself through the
enchanted forest.
HC
Tom's wit ended himself through the
enchanted forest, verb.
P
(to Q)
How deceitfully endearing It can be
Q
How connivingly ept, I agree.
HC
Yes I tried; did it work? Did they
ever try speaking to me as if I were
a Normal Human Being?
Q
Many Times
P
Many many times (You do it
Q
No, you
P
(produces a coin)
I'll flip you for it
Q
You mean for Not It. OK, flip.
(P flips coin; they look at it)
Q
You won
P
I lost, OK...here goes:)
P
Hello? Can you hear me? Horrible Child,
I'm talking to you!
HC
There are darts in the dirigibles of your delicacy
there are scabs on the windpipes of your kindness
I am an earthworm in the path of a shovel
in the hands of a workman fulfilling
your plans for better things
Q
(to audience)
Listen to that! Does that sound like a
rational response?
P
Are we crazy?
Q
Call us crazy, but
P,Q
that is a Horrible Child
P
(Do you think the exterminator will ever show?)
Q
(Once I had hope, now I don't know)
P
Seen em with their entrails out
Q
Seen em with their Magnums pointed
P
Seen em with their hair on fire
Q
Seen em with their bellies bloated
P,Q
But that is a Horrible Child.
HC
An arm's length for you, for me ten thousand yards —
I see there ten cards, I got five. I live
like a maggot off your illprocessed feast;
to my yeast rise your flour, to the west set the hour;
no time. So flow the sources of my remorses.
So what, I'm Horrible, leave me alone.
Go smother your gardens, scratch your horizons
Go grow beneath you brambles of cobras
I'm Horrible and that's what is,
that sums up the dumb nut of your oafish ravings
the depleted savings of your rusted tabernacle;
I'm Horrible and it ain't gonna change.
I'm Horrible as they come and I come harder,
I'm Horrible as I come and as they goes,
I'm Horrible as I come and as I doze,
Horrible — c'est moi; Horrible — autre fois;
I'm Horrible as It gets 'cause I am It;
Why don't you run?
P,Q
To bed!
HC
Make me!
P,Q
To bed!
HC
No
Q
Yes
HC
No
P
Yes
HC
No
Q
Yes
P
Yes
HC
No
P,Q (sim.) HC
Yes No
(PAUSE)
HC
Hearts of drupe, you;
pins in fibanachi horsegrass
P
Conceived in a telephone booth, you
HC
No!
P
YES! We did it in a phone booth on the corner
dropping quarters and dialing at random
Q
You, the trilliontimesjust reward
for a few phony phone calls
P
We didn't return for more
Q
We thought we left you dripping on the floor
P
We thought your call was interrupted
Q
and more than paid for
(I banged my wrist)
P
(I scraped my elbow)
P,Q
We were as wrong as night is night,
as life is long, as light is bright;
we were as punished as people can be
for yaxing on a telephone spree
Q
And oh the moon did shine
P
And oh the busy signal did buck and spray
and yawn and yay,
Q
and oh the siren did sing
and innocent prance encircle the fray,
P
and oh the billies did bounce and sway
Q
and younce the sillies did yawn and yay
P
nor nether did bark
Q
did nether did bark
P
Remember as if it were yesterday —
Q
as if it were
P
as if it were yesterday —
(to HC)
Just where do you think you're going?
HC
I'm going to bed.
P
Ah! Good night, HC.
(Good work, Q.)
Q
(Good work, P.)
(Exit HC)
* * *
(Q and P)
Q
P?
P
(near sleep)
What is it, Q?
Q
P, if the Beast had never been,
and you still were and I still was,
and you felt inclined to touch me,
where would you begin?
P
Maybe not just now, please, I'm a little busy.
Q
Too busy to theorize about touching little Q?
P
A little too busy for that, I'm afraid. I'll dream about it, won't that be sufficient for now?
Q
Well, suit yourself. But know, P, that in the meantime I'll just be sitting here thinking about you thinking about touching me and perhaps talking about it.
P
Very good, Q
Q
Sweet dreams, then, P.
P
Thank you.
Q
Fine.
(PAUSE. P sleeps. Enter HC, unseen by Q)
HC
Well, I suppose I'd want to begin somewhere subtle.
Q
Oh yes, P, yes, be abstract!
HC
Is your acumen still as sensitive as it was before the days of Horrible?
Q
Let me think...My acumen...
But was it in fact really so sensitive?
HC
I think so, Q. I remember you giggling whenever you noticed something BHC.
Q
Oh! That's right. That's right . . .
HC
I'm thinking about your acumen now, Q...
I'm touching it with my pinkies.
Q
Yes...a little bit more, even
HC
I'm caressing your acumen with my thumbs, Q, in small, unhurried circles
Q
Oh P
P
(in sleep)
Yes? Yes?
Q
Just keep doing what you're doing, P —
Ahhhh....
P
Mgh.
(sleeps)
HC
I'm thinking about your acumen
Q
My acumen
HC
Now my lips are very lightly kissing your acumen, and I am talking about my fingers doing a nimbly pattery dance over your doubt
Q
My doubt, my acumen
HC
My fingertips are toying idly with your sweetness
Q
Oooo! More deep
HC
Your etiquette
Q
More
HC
Your gluck
Q
Wow!
HC
Oops
Q
Wow!!
HC
I'm pressing in on your gluck with my knuckles and tugging with my teeth on your cranium and kneeing your utmost acumen
Q
My acumen
HC
Your cranium tastes good
Q
My cranium, my brainium, my stadium
HC
I'm a crowd of ten thousand cheering in your stadium, the organ is playing, the blimp is flying high, the players are on the field
Q
What game are we playing, P?
HC
Feels good?
Q
Feels good
HC
Mmmmmm
Q
Feels very very good, P
HC
Good to hear it
Q
Feels very very nice
HC
OK
Q
Feels good, P
T
Good, Q
Q
What's it like to think about?
HC
It's good to think about
Q
Good, feels good, P
HC
Good, Q
Q
Feels nice and nice and nice and
P
(in sleep)
I HAVE A PLAN!!!
Q
Feels good, P
HC
Good, Q
P
EVERYONE TO THEIR POSTS!
THERE'S LAND TO THE SOUTH!
Q
Oh P?
HC
Yes Q?
Q
Oh P
HC
Yes Q
Q: P
HC: Q
Q: P
HC: Q
Q: P
HC: Q
P: THERE'S LAND TO THE SOUTH!
- - - -
ACT II
(P and Q)
Q
Mice dislike strong smells
Just cloves will make them depart
No traps or poison is necessary;
with the Horrible Child, however,
everything is necessary.
P
Birddroppings can be caught
in plastic sheets or silos
Or you can legally shoot the birds;
the Horrible Child may not be shot,
cannot be captured.
Q
Roaches succumb to temptation
A moment's bliss is worth death
No need for the black market
just run downtown for poison;
The Horrible Child is a prison.
P
Go to the store for weapons galore
for all kinds of terrible maladies;
Q
the supermarket's a virtual carpet
of shag made of future fatalities;
P
take the bus, or walk, by Gus,
to a mallful of infinite extremities;
Q
the Waterloos of a billion snafus
P
and a gaggle of Nature's calamities
Q,P
but no solution to the greatest pollution
of mankind since before memories.
- - - -
(HC, in costume)
HC
Must I see the roof to crumble, the fog
to clear, and only then to hearth? I circle
myself, wary rider on a restless mount.
(Enter Q)
Q
Hello, Horrible! Happy Halloween! What's
the matter, Horrible? Horrible, speak to
me! Horrible, you look beautiful in that
costume, come talk to me, Horrible, aren't
you having a fun Halloween? Stop crying,
Horrible, it's bad for your skin. Here,
take this — dry yourself. There. Now tell
me, Horrible, what's wrong? Did something
happen at school today? Didn't everybody
like your Wonderful costume? Horrible,
stop it. Come here Not so close. That's
it. Now Horrible, tell me what happened.
HC
Everyone dressed as me.
Q
Oh come, not everyone.
HC
Every single person. There was a parade
around the school. The TV news people came.
Q
Really! Hand me the remote control.
HC
EVERYBODY DRESSED AS ME!
(Q flips TV channels)
(Enter P, in skeleton costume)
P
Happy Halloween, everybody! Horrible, what's
wrong? It's your favorite holiday. Say, Q,
what do you think of my costume?
Q
Will you administer to Horrible, darling?
I'm checking for some bad news on the TV set.
Something horrible happened to Horrible.
P
Of course, dear. Now Horrible, why don't you
sketch the bare frame of your disposition.
Socket to me. Connect the coxic to the shin
bone to the knee bone to the crux of your
anecdote. Hearing you cry chills me to the bone.
(P and Q laugh)
Come on, Horrible, can you really be having
such a Horrible Halloween?
Q
All Its classmates came dressed as It for Halloween.
HC
Not all my classmates, THE WHOLE SCHOOL!
P
Everybody?
Q
Horrible, did they say what channel?
HC
Even the Principal.
P
No!
HC
Yes!
P
Red letter day! I wish I had known, I —
(looking at TV)
My goodness, is that
Q
Yes, it's the school parade! There's
Horrible in Its Wonderful costume!
Horrible, you look beautiful on TV!
P
Yes, the camera really favors you, HC.
(They watch TV)
P
Superb!
Q
Fantastic!
P
Everyone's dressed as It!
Q
Unbelievable
P
Incredible
Q
Like a fantasy
P
A dream come true
Q
Our child, a celebrity
P
An entire elementary school pays honor to Its visage
Q
Its walk, the dance of the populace
P
Its smile, the flagstone of the multitude
Q
Hope of millions
P
Inspiration to all
Q
Horrible, come here. Don't you want to
see yourself on TV?
P
Horrible, pay attention, you're famous.
HC
Never heard of me.
Q
But Horrible; you don't understand,
you're on the television.
HC
I'm over here.
P
You will watch this television set if
it's the last thing you do.
HC
This is a free country.
Q
Horrible has a point, darling.
P
Horrible is still a child, dear. From a legal
perspective, all Its points belong to us.
HC
That one doesn't look like me at all.
None of them look like me.
Q
Oh no — P!
P
What is it, Q?
HC
That one sort of does.
Q
We've been watching Horrible on the
television set for Quite Awhile.
P
Quite Awhile? Are you sure?
Q
Nearly fifteen minutes.
P
That's it —
P,Q
To bed!
(they turn off the TV)
HC
That one kind of — Hey, turn it back on!
Q
We're glad you had such a miserable holiday, HC,
but now you've had your fame and it's time for bed.
HC
You might miss an ad
P
To bed
HC
You might lose the scoop
Q
To bed
HC
You'll be late for the fad
P,Q
Bed!
HC
You'll be out of the loop
P
(to Q)
Do you think the exterminator will ever show?
HC
Individually wrapped slices of toilet paper, sir?
Q
Well, how many years has it been since we called?
HC
And for the missus, a CD/cassette gas mask with prescription lenses and matching sun-dial?
P
Maybe we should watch. Maybe they've invented something...
HC
Intravenous hope?
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
P
Putrid ingrate
Q
Insufferable issue
HC
Nobody's perfect
Q
You are my imperfection
P
(to Q)
You're too hard on yourself
Q
Go!
HC
Never
P,Q
Now
HC
YOU CAN'T COMMAND THE CAVALRY
IF YOU CAN'T RIDE A HORSE
P
Foul-smelling, high-maintenance embezzling goat —
HC
Something stinks but it's not me
P
Yes it is
HC
No it isn't
P
Yes it is
HC
No it isn't
P
Is
HC
Not
P
Is
HC
Not
Q
C'est tois
HC
Pas mois
Q
C'est tois
HC
Autre fois: pas mois
Q
C'est tois
HC
Uhuh
Q
Uh huh
HC
Uhuh
Q
Uh huh
HC
Liar
Q
Liar
P
Liar
HC
Liar
P,Q
To bed!
HC
Not tired. Wired.
HC,Q,P
Sorry-sired.
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
HC
Why do feces look like brains?
P,Q
To bed! To bed!
HC
(to Q)
When I was stuck inside your belly —
P,Q
Horrible —
HC
I did graffiti in you
Q
No
HC
Yes!
P
(to Q)
One of these days let's knock down this
wall, give ourselves a little more space
in which to avoid HC, what do you say, Q?
HC
There I was in your fetid cave, alone
with no toys. Bored to death to birth,
thanks to you. But I found ways —
Q
I'm not listening!
HC
Yes you are
Q
No I'm not
HC
Yes you are
Q
I don't hear you!
P
Hold on a minute, Q, this is fascinating. HC, do
you mean to say you actually made drawings on the
interior of the uterus of Q?
HC
Uterus, ribs, liver — whatever was handy.
Q
My ears are surrounding my fingers!
P
What was your utensil?
HC
Passing waste, chips of bone. My fingernails,
eventually. Then my teeth.
Q
I'm not listening!
P
But how did you see?
HC
Gaslight.
P
Oh my. Q, are you catching this?
Q
Certainly not.
P
Were these — works — political, what was the gist?
HC
More like cave paintings. Mythologicatistical.
P
Q, the sonogram!
(Q hands P sonogram)
P
Thank you. Let me see...Oh my...Yes yes,
when you look closely you can see...fantastic!
HC
All of those were done cold, no studies.
P
But wait a minute — this is impossible —
the strangest thing, Q, take a gander.
Q
No thank you, P.
P
But how can this be? The womb paintings appear
to be signed. "Horrible Child," no date.
HC
I think “engravings” is the technical term.
P
"Etchings" actually, if amino acids were
involved. Q, you must look at this.
Q
Oh, all right, if you insist. Let me see.
Where, I can't —
P
Here, see there, you —
Q
Oh no! Look at me! Womb Vandal!
P
But look there, Q, at the signature.
Isn't that remarkable?
Q
What's that on my heart?
I look like a public restroom!
HC
It wasn't my choice to be locked up like
that, I missed three seasons in there.
P
But HC — How did your prenatal self know
Its name?
HC
I heard you talking about me.
Horrible this, Horrible that...
Q
Eavesdropper!
HC
I did not plant myself,
I did not conceal myself
P
But we never knew for absolute certain
you were going to be the Horrible Child.
Isn't that so, Q?
Q
Our working hypothesis worked too well.
P
The H and C in raised flesh on the
outer surface of Q's belly might have
stood for, maybe, we thought
Q
A two-percent chance that perhaps
they maybe might have stood for
P
A zero-point-zero-zero-two-percent
chance that just maybe they might have
Q
Sweet longshot
P
Who were we kidding?
Q
No longer two, not yet three,
Lost between integers,
Groping at the wisp of reprieve
P
We thought that maybe
Q
An innocent hope
P
Just maybe the letters would turn out to stand for
Q
Huggable Cherub
P
Heavenly Critter
Q
Hopscotch Champion
P
Hunky-dory Coed
Q
Honorable Cum-Laud
P
Heartwarming Company
Q
Honest Companion
P
Human Creature
Q
But alas
P
Acrid acronym
Q
Monogamous monogram:
P,Q
Horrible Child
(PAUSE)
P
The bas relief cut by your tusks
on the tender parchment
of the belly of Q
Q
The silken surfaces of my innards
blotched and pocked
with your scurvic prenatal scribbling
HC
The cheap surface of your flesh,
weaker than newsprint,
more acidic than a Dixie cup of turpentine
P,Q,HC
Horrible.
(PAUSE)
(Doorbell rings)
P
The door!
HC
I'll get it
Q
The what?
P
No, me
(RIIIIIIIIIIIING!)
Q
Somebody get it
P
I tell you what
Q
You get it
P
You get it
Q
Get what?
P
(to HC)
What about you?
HC
OK
P
Don't
HC
Let me
Q
But it's my turn
(RIIIIIIIIIIIING!)
P
Don't answer it
Q
I won't if you won't
P
Fair enough
(RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!)
P
Ah! The door! Well, not the door itself —
HC
Something or someone must be proximate to the door
Q
On the other side of the door
P
Something must be affecting the door in
some way, to make its bell ring like that
HC
Or someone must be.
(PAUSE)
Q
What makes you say such a thing?
(RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!)
P
Did somebody hear the telephone?
Q
Somebody get the phone
HC
It's not the phone, it's the door
P
It's the doorbell
Q
Then someone or something must be at the door
P
Near it
Q
By it
HC
Touching it
(P and/or Q indicate gesture HC to leave)
HC
But —
(P and/or Q persuade HC to leave; HC exits;
P opens the door to TERRIBLE)
T
Good afternoon.
P
Who are you? Another suitor?
(P and Q laugh uncontrollably)
T
Why? Is there a virgin in the house?
Q
How rude!
P
What about you, are you an as-you-put-it "virgin"?
T
Since birth. And oft have I dreamt of marriage,
though hitherto these dreams have remained largely
idle. But if there's a virgin to be had here —
P
Well there might be, there might be, hold on, we'll ask.
(P and Q confer excitedly, turn to T)
P
Why yes. We do have a
Q
Yes, we happen to own
P
To have
Q
To cohabit with — ensemble —
P
We have a — an —
Q
An only child. Only a child.
P
A child.
Q
A child who might be, as you put it so elegantly —
P
A virgin.
T
Well now. Not a minor, I hope?
Q
Oh no, major, very major.
P
A major virgin.
Q
(shouting off)
Horrible, are you clean?
T
(aside)
"Horrible"?
HC
(from off)
Clean as they come.
P
Why, yes, we do! We do have a virgin!
T
Male or female?
P
Well, there's the thing —
Q
One or the other, we're sure —
P
It's just that there's so much hair —
Q
Well, we think it's a — an — uh —
P
We've often thought that it might be a — um —
Q
We don't know.
T
Excellent.
P
Really?
Q
How can that be?
T
It is.
P
When can you marry it?
Q
What about now?
T
Fine. But first, as long as I'm here,
the reason I'm here: Is HC around?
P
(nervous)
“HC”?
Q
Uh — What makes you ask?
T
Is this the Child household?
P
Well, um — Why, exactly?
T
I'm from the Delightful Executioner Extinguishing
Company. We received an order to liberate the
occupied territory of a Mr. and Mrs. Child.
P
No!
Q
(to P)
Even better!
P
You wouldn't kid us, would you?
Q
We had given up hoping!
P
After all these years — How many?
Q
I think three or four
P
After three or four years —
Are you really the exterminator?
T
Ah, extinguisher, yes.
P
Extinguisher, of course, I'm sorry, yes, you're
an extinguisher, yes yes, an extinguisher.
Well welcome, Extinguisher!
Q
Oh yes, come in, come in! Please!
(T enters)
P
Oh, this is marvelous, welcome to our infested home,
you are a sight for sore eyes, I can tell you —
(T sits)
Yes, please, make yourself comfortable! Please,
what can we get you? Are you hungry at all?
T
Don't like to mix food and death.
P
Of course, I understand, how thoughtless of me —
How about a glass of water?
T
That would be wonderful.
P
Don't go away! (exits)
Q
Oh, you're here! It's so hard to believe.
We always wondered what you would look like —
You're very striking. But of course,
that's your job. Ha ha ha ha.
T
Question: With regard to my bride-and/or-groom-to-be —
Q
Yes, and what is your name, if I may ask?
T
Terrible.
Q
Ah! That's a good name for an ex — an extinguisher.
T
Yes, it's worked out well. Now, about the virgin —
(Enter P with glass of water)
Q
Oh look, here's P.
P
At your service, Extinguisher!
T
Thank you, Mr. Child.
P
What'd I miss? What's worked out well?
Q
Oh P, we were just saying how lovely it is
to be named Terrible, as is our extinguisher,
if you happen to be an extinguisher,
which is Terrible.
P
Remarkably apt.
Q
It's very fitting.
(PAUSE)
P
How rude! We haven't introduced ourselves.
I'm P. Feel free to call me P.
Q
Oh yes! And I'm Q.
T
Good to meet you both.
P
So, Terrible, were you always
Terrible, or did you change your
name for professional reasons?
T
Oh no, I was born Terrible.
Q
You know, it's a funny thing. Our Horrible, who
will soon at last number no longer among the living —
P
Ah, Q, why don't we not —
Q
— used to have a pen-pal named Terrible.
T
No
Q
Yes —
P
Heck of a thing. You know —
T
It sure is, because I used to have
a pen-pal named Horrible.
P
No
T
Yes
Q
No
T
Yes
P
No
Q
No
T
Yes.
P
Well. How's that for a coincidence!
Q
Funny world!
T
So, how is Horrible these days?
P
Just — dandy.
Q
Sensational.
T
Good to hear. Ours was a rewarding correspondence
except that Horrible, it turned out, was a
horrible speller, and I'm terribly meticulous
(that's part of why I'm such a good extinguisher;
I'm very thorough). In time we completely lost
touch. And now you say you want Horrible nixed?
Q
Finished
P
We have since It was born
Q
And even before
T
Seems a drastic penalty for faulty spelling.
P
Well it's more than that, of course
Q
Much, much more
P
But let's not go into it, this is such
a pleasant conversation. Horrible's
assassin, here at last! Say, Terrible,
would you mind posing for a picture?
T
There's a slight additional fee.
P
Oh, what does money matter, this is a once-in-
a-lifetime event! We'll splurge. I wonder, I
think there must be one shot left in the camera.
(finds camera)
Q, would you take it? One of me with Terrible.
Q
Of course. All right, smile, hold it —
oh, this is beautiful, the builder
and the wrecker together —
(snaps photo)
Got it!
T
This water is delicious, by the way,
I was very thirsty, now I feel much
closer to being quenched.
P
Please, if there's anything else I can get you,
don't hesitate to ask.
T
We had been discussing my matrimonial prospect.
Q
Oh. The virgin, you mean?
P
Ah. That. Well.
Q
There's an interesting fact.
T
Oh yes?
P
The virgin we mentioned is — it's the exact
same organism you've come here to destroy.
T
That is an interesting fact.
P
Hm.
T
Well.
Q
It's the same creature.
T
I dig.
P
So...
T
So Horrible, my old pen-pal; HC, the pest
I came here to eliminate; and the virgin,
i.e. my bride-and/or-groom-to-be, are all
the same individual?
P
If you...
Q
It's sort of...
P,Q
Yes.
T
Well...I'm sorry, folks.
P
What do you mean?
Q
Hold on a minute, Terrible
P
We're paid in full for this execution —
except for the photograph, here, why
don't I give it to you now
T
It's on me.
P
Terrible, you came here to eliminate It
T
The etiquette isn't right. Don't you agree?
P
Do you know how long we've been waiting for
you to get here and demolish Horrible? Now
you arrive and you want to give It the gift
of your hand in wedlock?
Q
We'll report you to the Delightful Executioner
himself!
T
Then you'll be reporting to me.
Q
Really? You seem rather young to be so advanced.
T
The field was clear.
P
Q, wait! Wait.
(to T)
Maybe you should meet Horrible first and
decide for yourself whether or not It
merits your connubial gung-ho.
Q
Good idea!
T
Sounds reasonable.
Q
(shouting off)
Horrible! Get in here!
(PAUSE)
P
Uh. So, Terrible...How'd you, how exactly
did you wind up in, uh, Death?
T
I used to kill bugs as a hobby. The first beetle I squashed broke like caviar in my palm. There was always some kind of unexpected beauty. A color, a form, the twitchy hello of a nerve that refused to succumb. Once, in this way, a grasshopper I had just extinguished left a remnant of life in a single antenna, which was so like a finger beckoning that I took it for a sign. I came to believe that Death was choosing me. So I moved on to more complex forms of life, becoming something of a local legend, succumb. Once, in this way, a grasshopper I had just extinguished left a remnant of life in a single antenna, which was so like a finger beckoning that I took it for a sign. I came to believe that Death was choosing me. So I moved on to more complex forms of life, becoming something of a local legend,ath was choosing me. So I moved on to more complex forms of life, becoming something of a local legend,
(quietly enter HC)
and when the time came to choose a profession, there was no doubt. I went into people, for this was the most lucrative market, and quickly proved to be more accomplished and subtle in technique than many of my peers whoany of my peers who'd spent years in formal training.
Q
It must be lovely, the feeling of turning
into caviar.
HC
Is that you, Terrible?
T
The same.
HC
I thought I recognized the syntax.
(Their eyes lock)
You followed your heart.
T
No. I've just found it...
I woke this morning set to kill
my want and will laid out like shoes
and I the dull and eager slave
to the druther of ten thousand yesterdays.
Well oiled with the means to slay,
I slipped into this past-lit day
and, moving in old sleep, stumbled,
fell, and woke — my victim's prey.
And now this head bows low and now
to earth these once strong knees tend;
and you, bird, chase my famished knowns away,
you nest in the echo of my surest point —
Q
Now Terrible, I can see you've taken a liking to
Horrible, but it says right here in your Yellow Pages —
P
But Q —
Q
— you can see we've had it bronzed into a placemat —
"Earth to earth, dust to dust, We Kill What You Will."
T
That's a very old ad.
P
Get with it, Q. Don't you see what's happening? The
Delightful Executioner is going to take It away from here!
Q
That's not enough!
P
You have to understand, Terrible: we really
have been geared up for Its demise.
T
I do understand.
Q
You can't possibly.
HC
What's going on? Whose demise?
T
But I promise, if Horrible will have me,
to take It away forever —
HC
Oh Terrible!
Q
I want It destroyed!
P
Q, listen to reason!
Q
What for? We're so close to being happy!
P
But It will be gone! What irks you?
T
In time there will be lovers, two,
whose love will change time's torque;
these two will live on, backward,
and replace the current quark.
From youth to age to germinal youth
loving in the way that makes the stars close
bringing around the original point
from which they first arose —
these two are more than just a tale, I say,
whose love will make the All exhale; I ask,
Will you, HC, your hand in mine,
with me, T, be these two?
Q
It's a Laughable Proposal
P
Terrible makes a Glutinous Woo
T
What do you say, HC?
HC
I do.
P,Q
Ugh!
(T and HC embrace)
P
— but Q, we've got to remember, we've got
a real gift horse in the hand here.
Q
Those paws in wedlock, those backstabbing grubbers?
P
I know, but think of the good side —
Q
Cruel life! Terrible should just obliterate
It. What if the marriage doesn't work out?
P
Don't say that! Don't think like that!
Q
Horrible, Terrible, should this union fail,
P and I shall sue the Delightful Executioner
to ruin for breach of contract.
HC
Blackmail. Par for the course.
T
Seems quite reasonable to me, HC.
HC
(to P and Q)
Good riddance
Q
Likewise
P
Good to be free of you, HC.
T
Great meeting you folks, P, Q.
P
Do we owe you anything?
T
You're under warrantee.
P
Well, good luck to you. Or not. Whatever comes.
T
Thank you for your generous hospitality.
P
Oh Terrible, if you ever figure out what
sex It is, drop us a postcard, will you?
T
Of course, P.
Well folks, I guess this is it. So long.
P,Q,
Goodbye, Terrible.
(HC and T leave through door, remain visible)
(P closes door)
T
Oh Horrible, I love you.
HC
I love it when you say my name
T
I love you something Terrible, Horrible
HC
Tell me
T
Horrible
HC
Terrible
T
Horrible...
HC
Terrible...
(Repeat previous two lines under P and Q:)
Q
Who can tell the why or wherefore?
P
Who can explain the mysteries of Being and Becoming?
Q
What I thought would never happen has happened
P
The day I thought would never come has come
Q
Beautiful
T
Horrible
P
Wonderful
HC
Terrible
HC,T
Terrible/Horrible/Terrible/Horrible...(Cont.)
P
Wasn't so awful.
Q
Horrible, you mean?
P
Horrible you know I think is awful. I mean —
Q
I thought Terrible was downright delightful
‘til It wouldn't outright demolish Horrible
P
I mean the download of Horrible to Terrible
wasn't so difficult
Q
What do you mean? It was effortless
P
Well, there was a jot of craft involved
Q
Terrible ate Horrible right up, quick as pie
P
Yes, but did you not espy, Q,
the homemade whipped cream of Persuasion,
or did it get by you?
If you were listening closely —
Q
Do you mean to take credit —
P
I mean I think I pulled off some pretty
nifty wordwork there, what with my mention
of a virgin on the premises, and the way
I went off and got that glass of water —
Q
That's true, you did make Terrible feel
extremely welcome
P
Well you weren't any clubfoot there yourself,
Q. I thought it was marvelous the way you
chatted on with the very lips of death while
I was out fetching the water with which to
moisten them. Were you at all nervous?
Q
To tell true, P, yes I was.
P
One could not have told.
Q
You're just being kind.
P
And the way you feigned indignation
there at the prospect of less than
a total demise — classic.
Q
Well I wasn't exactly acting at that point.
P
Well you might have been, it was so convincing.
Very professional.
Q
Well thank you, P. I thought the delicacy
with which you shut the door just after
the emigration was particularly eloquent.
P
Oh really, I was sure I had slammed it —
Q
The way your finger lingered on the knob
even as you withdrew your hand
P
You noticed!
Q
How could I not? It was Beautiful
P
Wonderful
Q
Horrible gone, at last
HC
Terrible
P
Horrible diet, the past
T
Horrible
Q
Turned to succulent fast
P,Q,HC,T
Wonderful Now —
(declamatory)
HC
At last
T
After long thought
HC
I dance
P,Q
My skeleton decides me
P
How can I ignore this symphony of immaculate structure
moating my mind and movement
Q
floating my heart, spleen, pituitary
from danger to safety, from solitude to company
HC
this balancing genius through whom I know myself
as other than a pancake thought
T
this spider thread
to which clings the dew of all my life
Q
I shall not await Death's removal of this fleshy baffler
P
I shall not wait for Death to smash this juicy muffler
HC, T, P, Q
Death's will not be the hand to remove
this bloody porous elastic mute
and allow my bones their blasting speech
T
Horrible
HC
Terrible
P
Wonderful
Q
Beautiful
P
Wonderful
HC
Terrible
Q
Beautiful
T
Horrible
HC
Terrible
Q
Beautiful
T
Horrible
P
Wonderful
Q
Beautiful
T
Horrible
P
Wonderful
HC
Terrible
HC T
Horrible Terrible
P Q
Wonderful Beautiful
HC T
Terrible Horrible
P Q
Beautiful Wonderful
HC T
Wonderful Beautiful
P Q
Horrible Terrible
HC T
Beautiful Wonderful
P Q
Terrible Horrible
T Q
Horrible Wonderful
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
HC P
Terrible Beautiful
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
HC P T Q
Horrible! Terrible! Wonderful! Beautiful!
* * *
EPILOGUE
(All is calm. Q reads newspaper, P muses.)
Q
Oh my.
P
What's that?
Q
HC died today.
P
The Eternal Nuisance? Never.
Q
It says so right here. There.
P
How about that. I owe you a dollar, then.
Q
How so?
P
Long ago we made a bet —
Q
Wasn't it you who thought It was mortal?
P
I'm certain it was you.
Q
That's strange. Lately...
P
Well It's dead now, anyway.
Q
What's that?
P
HC.
Q
Oh.
(PAUSE)
Why, that's wonderful news!
P
Isn't it? I thought you'd be glad.
Q
Who told you?
P
I saw it in the paper.
Q
Today's?
P
Is that?
Q
This? Yes.
P
Well then yes.
Q
Oh my.
P
Do you mind if I borrow it? I'd like
to read the rest of the article.
Q
Of course. Here...
(gives P the paper)
Gee. I wouldn't mind reading about it myself.
P
Why don't you run downtown and pick up a
copy of today's paper?
Q
Well, all right...
You know, while I'm out, maybe I should
drop in the mail that death-threat to HC.
P
Why that's a silly idea!
Q
How so? Have you seen it around?
P
You just told me HC was — or is — or
maybe I have it wrong...
Q
P —
P
...yes, I think — Never mind.
Q
P, did something happen to HC?
P
No, no, forget I said anything.
Q
(anxious)
P, tell me. Is there some news about HC?
P
Not as far as I know.
Q
Good.
(PAUSE)
Have you seen today's paper?
P
Why yes, here it is.
(gives paper to Q, who begins to read)
Anything interesting?
Q
Not yet.
P
Well tell me if anything happens.
I'm going to snooze.
(sleeps)
Q
(reading)
Oh me...oh my...Oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my, oh —
P
— NO! NO!
Q
What? What's the matter?
P
I had a bad dream! A nightmare! —
Do we have today's paper?
Q
This is.
P
Quick, give it here.
Q
(gives P newspaper)
What was it?
P
I had a nightmare-slash-premonition!
Q
What was it?
P
I dreamt that — that...
I can't remember what I dreamt.
Well good, then. It wasn't pleasant.
Just go back to sleep.
Q
But it was you who was sleeping. I was
reading the paper and you were sleeping.
P
But I'm the one with the paper.
Q
Is that today's?
P
Why I think so, let me check. Yes, today.
Q
Oh.
(PAUSE)
What about today?
P
What's that?
Q
I said what about today?
P
What is it you are saying about today?
Q
You said something about today a moment
ago. I was just expressing my interest in
a subject that you brought up.
P
I see. Well hold on a minute, I'll check
the paper...Hmmm — Ah!
Q
What's that?
P
An obituary.
Q
Really? Whose?
P
What's that?
Q
Whose obituary?
P
Let's see...Horrible's.
Q
Couldn't be. Read it to me.
(HC appears)
P
“The technological superiority
of HC-12, HC-13, HC-18, and
eventually HC-1000 over all
opponent's craft; the extreme
proximity of HC's launching
pads to the front line of the
domestic theater; diabolical HC (overlap)
superiority; nomenclatural I'm Horrible and I'm dead. Sur-
tersity, enabling identity vived by my creators, as are
and position to be communi- all things. No one, not even Ter-cated quickly and clearly to rible, ever hugged me as tight
field operators from base.” as the earth does now, so tight
I can no longer distinguish
between us. I'm as brown now as
I once was gray, and I was
thoroughly gray for a long time, as long as I was rigged in flesh and blood those years aboveground. Here lies Horrible.
Q
Well of course it lies.
P
What's that?
Q
Why should things suddenly change?
P
Doesn't sound much like an obituary.
Q
I suppose you had to be there.
P
Be where?
Q
What sounds like an obituary?
P
What's that?
Q
What you asked.
P
What did I ask.
Q
When?
P
What?
P,Q
What?
(SLIGHT PAUSE)
What?
END
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