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Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel.

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THE NAMES
OF THE PRESIDENT
AND THE MEMBERS OF
THE PRESIDENTIAL
CABINET ACCORDING TO
THE ETYMOLOGICAL
BACKGROUNDS OF THEIR
FIRST AND LAST NAMES,
AND OF THEIR
MIDDLE NAMES WHEN AVAILABLE.*

BY JØRGEN G. CLEEMANN

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The Earthworker Who Engages in the Practice of Shrinking and Thickening Wool and Dwells Near the Thicket, President

The Brave Power Who Hails From the Oak Forest Around the French Town of Brieuse, Vice President

The Manly One Who Prepares Wool for Spinning and Weaving and Lives Near a Mound, White House Chief of Staff

The Bright Nobleman Who Is Son of the Battlemaker, Attorney General

The Fierce Warrior With Sweetness, Secretary of State

The Ruler of the World and the Ruler of the Home Who Hails From the Field of Wild Garlic, Secretary of Defense

The Well-Born Warrior Who Regularly Invokes the Name of God, Secretary of Agriculture

The Warrior Who Descends From the Ruler of the Army, Secretary of Commerce

The Little Pearl-Encrusted Scythe, Secretary of Education

The Bathhouse Builder Who Has Been Heard by God, Secretary of Energy

The Pious and Humble Man From the Beloved Gate That Lies in the Land of Many Yokes, Secretary of Health and Human Services

The Pious and Humble Man Who Is Descended From the Devil, Secretary of Homeland Security

The Battle-Ready Man Who Is Descended From One Who Believes in the Grace of God, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

The Graceful Tempest From the Northern Settlement, Secretary of the Interior

The Torch From the Orchid-Nest, Secretary of Labor

The Exceptionally Pale and Pious Man Who Has a Desire to Protect, Secretary of the Treasury

The Bright and Famous Supplanter Who Is Descended From He Who Represents the Victory of the People, Secretary of Veterans Affairs

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* Secretary of Transportation Norman Yoshio Mineta omitted due to unavailability of a reliable translation of the name "Mineta."

 

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