- - - -

Issue 35 is nearly here, in all its disappearing-ink glory.
For a very limited time, subscribe to the Quarterly, starting with
Issue 35, and get a FREE Better of McSweeney's, Vol. II.

- - - -

Common Sense Solutions to Alt-Pop Song Problems. BY CURTIS WEYANT - - - - Problem: I'm only happy when it rains. Solution: Seattle. Problem: The clock on the wall has been stuck at 3 for days and days. Solution: New batteries. Problem: I look just like Buddy Holly. Solution: Milk it for all it's worth! Problem: Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. Solution: Find a woman, treat her right. Problem: All I can say is that my life is pretty plain. Solution: Coriander, used sparingly, can really pick up your day. Problem: What else could I say? Everyone is gay. Solution: Legalize civil union. Problem: I've got a bad disease. Solution: Penicillin. Problem: Something's always wrong. Solution: Identify the root cause and then develop a tactical plan to correct it. Problem: We all want something beautiful, man I wish I was beautiful. Solution: Diet, exercise, and plastic surgery. Problem: Sometimes I give myself the creeps. Solution: Valium. Problem: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Solution: Lay off the valium. Problem: I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem. Solution: You're hitting it regularly, how is that a problem? Problem: Every dog has its day, every day has its way of being forgotten—Mom, it's my birthday. Solution: Remember the milk. Problem: Can't find a better man. Solution: Quit dancing, go back to school, follow your dreams—the rest will work itself out. Problem: We were only freshmen. Solution: You grew out of it, didn't you? Problem: Soy un perdedor. Solution: You'll never amount to anything with that attitude, mister. Problem: But I'm a creep. Solution: Cut your hair, don a jacket and tie, drink Corona. Problem: That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. Solution: Have you tried Hare Krishna? Problem: Standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand. Solution: Wait ten years, buy a TracFone. Problem: Jeremy spoke in class today. Solution: Keep your mouth shut and hide behind the fat kid.   - - - -   MORE LISTS

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES - - - - Memories of Amanda Davis - - - - Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. - - - - McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES NORSE HISTORY FOR BOSTONIANS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA ABOUT CITRUS COUNTY ABOUT MISADVENTURE ABOUT BINKY BROWN MEETS THE HOLY VIRGIN MARY ABOUT THE CLOCK WITHOUT A FACE ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL