Play-by-Play
of Classic Sports Rivalries If
the Team Names
Actually Represented
the Combatants.
And Also, Instead of Playing the Sport,
They're Fighting
to the Death.
BY GEOFF HAGGERTY
- - - -
Yankees vs. Red Sox
"It looks as though we have a man in the ring. For all intents and purposes he appears American."
"A northerner."
"Yes, he definitely seems as though he's from northern America somewhere. And in the other corner, a pile of clothes. No ... socks! More specifically, socks. And the man is putting on the socks! This match is over!"
Vikings vs. Packers
"I don't believe these blue-collar Wisconsinites knew quite what they were getting into when they signed up for this."
"Don't be so quick to judge: Vikings lived long ago and were much shorter than—"
"Well, all the meatpackers are dead now."
Giants vs. Dodgers
"It's a classic David vs. Goliath matchup as an old-fashioned trolley-dodger from turn-of-the-century Brooklyn takes on—this match is over!"
Broncos vs. Raiders
"These natural enemies are at it again!"
"Pirates and horses have hated each other since the dawn of time, Rob."
"Let's not be overly dramatic. Are you sure that's even a pirate? I thought he was just a more general sort of invader."
"Well, whatever he is, he's slashing that horse with his cutlass and eating it."
"The Black Hole is loving this!"
Cubs vs. Cardinals
"That bear just ate that tiny bird!"
Lakers vs. Celtics
"They look lackadaisical out there."
"Yes. These once-proud groups of people used to have a tremendous rivalry. But as we know, rivalries are based on winning. And these ancient Irish mystics just haven't held up their end of the bargain."
"Now you're thinking of druids. These are just regular Irishmen."
"Are you sure?"
"I think."
Red Wings vs. Avalanche
"Why wouldn't they just let the whole bird fight? I don't understand. Now here comes the—"
"This match was over before it even began!"
Browns vs. Steelers
"Now what are we looking at here?"
"I couldn't tell you."
Canadiens vs. Maple Leafs
"And the Canadien is ripping the Maple Leaf in half very easily!"
"Canadien?"
"Sorry, I was using the French pronunciation. Canadian."
Army vs. Navy
"Oh no!"
"NO! No no no!"
"Now I AM moving to Canada."
Brazil vs. Italy
"Two actual physical countries fighting each other!"
"The actual land masses themselves! Unbelievable!"
"Millions dead! Two geographic masses clashing!"
"Overly descriptive?"
"We're just telling it like it is!"
"Yeah!"
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