Pickup Lines:
The First Drafts.
BY MARK VANDERHOFF
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Are your legs tired? Oh, well, I'm not surprised; your thighs are almost comically muscular.
You must wash your pants with Windex, because something really smells like Windex.
Your father must have been a thief. I don't know, you just have the look of someone who was raised by criminals.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? That is to say, would you be offended by my comments, not would you physically hold your body against mine. Sorry for any confusion. Anyways, would you?
Do you have a little Italian in you? Really? Wait, what was your last name again? Oh, yeah, I guess that does sound Irish. Never mind.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I probably wouldn't. Can you imagine how much that would screw with everybody?
Are you from Tennessee? I hate people from Tennessee.
Excuse me; I seem to have misplaced my inmate number, which was assigned to me by this state's accursed penal system after it was discovered that I was indeed the "Fruit by the Foot Strangler." Can I borrow yours?
Can I borrow a quarter? I need to call my mother and tell her I've found the girl I'm going to annoy for the next 5-10 minutes.
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