You feel poor. We feel poor. Let's feel poor together. This week only, almost everything is half-price in our online store. Escape the holiday rush and cross every name off your list in one cheap swoop. - - - -

Reasons We Can't Have a Baby, Honey. BY GEOFF SMITH - - - - I would no longer be able to skydive while on PCP. We can't afford two of every toy I would want. Honestly, I just don't think we have the room. The air conditioner is already full of peanuts. It's cats or babies, not cats and babies. I don't want to give other parents the satisfaction. The apartment is barely adultproof. It's a scam. My grandparents were born during World War I, my parents during World War II, and we were both born during Vietnam. I vowed a long time ago that my child wouldn't be born while America was at war. Well, wouldn't you know it, now we're in a Global War on Terror with no end in sight! We might choke on one of its little toys. I'm afraid I would run afoul of the rugged brand of frontier justice babies administer. The baby might grow up to be president, just not a very good one. Train stations make babies nervous. You know I've always dreamed of owning and operating a small railway siding. We won't be able to play that game where we put plastic bags on our heads anymore. That's a fun game. The batteries in the digital camera are dangerously low as is.   MORE LISTS

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