Actuarial Tables.
BY JEFF BERCOVICI AND PIPER WEISS
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CAUSE OF DEATH / LIKELIHOOD
62-YEAR-OLD MAN:
• Heart Disease 33%
• Cancer 27%
• Stroke 12%
• Chronic lower respiratory disease 8%
• Accidents (unintentional injuries) 6%
• Diabetes 5%
• Influenza and Pneumonia 5%
• Other 4%
7-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
• Quicksand 39%
• Tornado 10%
• Rabies 7%
• Booby trap 23%
• Nuclear war 21%
• Volcanoes 6%
• Clown 3%
13-YEAR-OLD FEMALE:
• Embarrassment 80%
• Toxic shock syndrome 17%
• HPV 3%
13-YEAR-OLD MALE SCI FI FAN:
• Rebellion of self-aware super-intelligent machines 65%
• Incorrectly plotted hyperdrive jump 17 %
• Caught masturbating 10 %
• Ejected out of airlock 8 %
19TH-CENTURY LITERARY HEROINE:
• Consumption 15%
• Grief 12%
• Childbirth 38%
• Scarlet fever 7%
• Carriage overturning 8%
• Drowning with stones in pockets 20%
NOIR PROTAGONIST:
• Gin 13%
• A dame 57%
• Jealous husband 19%
• Hired goons 11%
THE DOG:
• Loneliness 60%
• Empty bowl 37%
• The vacuum cleaner 3%
THE CAT:
• The dog 50%
• You 50%
NEW AGE MAN:
• Ascending 79%
• Parathamingasana (mating dragonfly pose—not recommended) 2%
• Bad batch of ayahuasca 2%
• Bladder cancer 11%
• Pony tail caught in mall escalator 2%
ACTION NEWS 7 HEALTH REPORTER:
• Drinking fountains? 41%
• Hard-boiled eggs? 22%
• Seat belts? 37%
SLASHER MOVIE VILLAIN:
• Falling shard of glass from shattered cathedral stained-glass window 11%
• Drowning in a fountain of holy water 8%
• Stabbed in the eye with an extra-pointy crucifix 8%
• Immolation by the hand of a vengeful parent (followed by own ashes collected in a safe deposit box and dropped in the lake whence he came) 5%
• That virgin bitch 58%
MICK JAGGER:
• Auto-erotic asphyxiation 50%
• Nothing 50%
ANDY ROONEY:
• Wireless telephones 9%
• Self-service checkouts 8%
• Women drivers 7%
• Lesley Stahl (she has her reasons) 43%
• One more day 10%
• That rap music 10%
• Rogue rollerbladers 10%
• The vacuum cleaner 3%
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