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Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel.

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General Broadcasting Standards Concerning Upper-Torso Nudity.

BY DAYVID FIGLER

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ACCEPTABLE
(Can usually be seen on broadcast television)

Straight, unpierced males within normal anthropometric ranges

Infants—all sexes* (diaper commercials, sitcoms, soap operas)

Obese men covered in team colors

Pre-op transsexuals prior to hormone treatment (clinical males)

Live African women (documentary only)

Gender-nominal Muppets within normal anthropomorphic ranges

Bikini-clad spring-break participants (non-trampoline-jumping)

Girls Gone Wild commercials (up to and just before "flashing" obscured by black boxes)

Actor in gorilla suit (portraying male or female gorilla)

Female athletes in two-piece bodytard swimwear playing beach volleyball

Victoria's Secret models in nonsheer lingerie

Side view of mammogram patient (local news or documentary)

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GRAY AREA
(Station director may opt to not show
to protect morality)

Shirtless gay men partying at Fire Island with pierced nipples

Prepubescent girls* (dramatic works depicting poor children running around tenement)

Obese men with technical breast size of 34C or larger (jumping on trampolines)

Pre-op transsexuals at the beginning stages of hormone treatment (clinical males)

Still photos of dead topless women (crime victims, autopsy documentary)

Miss Piggy in a loose-fitting karate gi/Electric Mayhem guitarist Janice in a halter-top

Bikini-clad Blind Date contestants dancing to the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Women soccer players in sports bras

Runway models displaying saucy French couture

Plastic-surgery enhancement or reduction of breasts (documentary only and only a glance)

Mastectomy patients (documentary only and only a glance)

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UNACCEPTABLE
(Immense FCC fines)

Healthy nondiseased postpubescent females from "Christian" countries

Pre-op transsexuals (or "extreme" bar bettors) with implants larger than 32A (clinical males)

Post-op transsexuals (clinical females)

Human "furries" if there is a suggestion of sexual desire (even fully ensconced in costume)

Live African-American women with nipples obscured by metal sheath

Infant females or prepubescent girls if the context is "creepy"

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* Some states have laws prohibiting children under the age of 18 to pose or to be exhibited in a state of nudity for purpose of visual reproduction in any medium if there is "lascivious intent." In other words, one person's cute picture of their naked kid on a bearskin rug in the wrong hands can be a felony. As always, depravity depends on the mind of the beholder.

 

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