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Guide to Determining If You Are Constantly Being Mauled by Bears. BY DAN PRIDE - - - - You have back pain. You have chronic fatigue. You are in the hospital for bear-claw removal. You smell like honey. You smell like fish. You are a fish. Your La-Z-Boy is currently occupied by a swarthy, smirking, contempt-ridden greasy bear with a staring problem.   MORE LISTS

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES - - - - Memories of Amanda Davis - - - - Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. - - - - McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES NORSE HISTORY FOR BOSTONIANS BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY TRAVELING EUROPE IN STYLE WITH AUCKLAND DINGIROO, DARK-AGE TOURIST AND CRITIC OF FOOD AND DRINK JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA ABOUT CITRUS COUNTY ABOUT MISADVENTURE ABOUT BINKY BROWN MEETS THE HOLY VIRGIN MARY ABOUT THE CLOCK WITHOUT A FACE ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL