Timothy McSweeney's Header Image

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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

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C O M M E N T S   M Y   F A T H E R
M A D E   T O   T H E   T V .


BY ANDY EARLES

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Advertisement for chili-filled hotdog

Voice over: First we filled them with cheese, now, say hello to Hormel's Chili-Filled Franks!

An animated lightning bolt strikes one of the dogs, thus causing the item to burst open and void its chili-like insides.

My father: Gross

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Cable access program: Kickin' Back

Show hostess Loretta interviews one of the local homeless people identified as "Hotbox."

Loretta: How many years were you a stuntman? Any movies that we've…

Hotbox: Everything.

Loretta: Everything?

Hotbox: Years.

Loretta: And what about the military, were you in the service?

My father: You have got to be kidding me.

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Common holiday advertisement for Coke

Polar bears toss beach ball in the arctic. Beach ball falls into water where a seal returns it to the bears. For its effort, seal is served a Coke.

My father: Riiiiiigggghhhht.

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The much-anticipated HBO Saturday Night Movie

Voiceover: Next up, Black Moon Rising with Tommy Lee Jones and Linda Hamilton.

Voiceover: This movie has been rated R.

My father: This has Linda Hamilton in it, and she's bound to take her clothes off. Go to your room for a while.

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M*A*S*H, the movie

My father: This was before the show. This was also the first time that I ever heard an actor say "fuck."

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The first Cannonball Run movie. Jack Elam extends a very long middle finger

Jack Elam: Take one of these and call me in the morning.

My father: In the sixties, I raced a real one of these with your half-brother. Let me assure you that this kind of behavior would have gotten us killed.

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Willie Nelson performs his duet with Julio Iglesias, "To All the Girls I've Loved Before"

My father: It's Willie and Julio "Eagleass." (snicker)

 

MORE LISTS

 

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