- - - -

Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.

- - - -

M Y   A T T E M P T   T O F U R T H E R   D E P R E S S A   P A R T I C U L A R L Y U N F U N N Y   L I S T , S E N T   T O   M E   B Y S O M E O N E   A T   W O R K , B Y   M A K I N G R A N D O M   R E M A R K S BY DARBY LARSON - - - - YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN... Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes... You know you're in California when...... you step off the plane at LAX? 1. Your coworker has eight body-piercings and none are visible. Isn't that the truth? I just had both my kidneys pierced. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. But I could, actually, with a $300,000 salary. Mortgage rates are at an all-time low. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. I am not easily shocked. 4. Your child's third-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. In third grade, I perfected cursive handwriting. Then I stopped using it completely in fifth grade, I think, and reverted to using all capitals. My teacher, Mrs. Lombard, had blond hair. 5. You can't remember... is pot illegal? Yes. 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. Was this that one last July? That guy was the sperm donor? I thought he was the rabbi or something. I was pretty wasted though. Shit. Is pot illegal? 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. Yes. I feel very strongly about this. 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. Arugula is an aromatic salad green. A half-cup serving has two calories. 9. You can't remember... is pot illegal? Still. Yes. 10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. Totally. Except, not really though. 11. A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Those pesky pot-smugglers. 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. That's why I drive to Alabama and back every morning for my gas. 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. I notice everything. 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really is George Clooney. George Clooney suffers from bleeding stomach ulcers, and is still on medication for stomach pain to this day. 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. If this is true, then your car is too expensive relative to your house. 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. This would make an interesting TV sitcom. 17. You can't remember... is pot illegal? Yes. 18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2003." In 1962, a blast that has come to be known as the 'Columbus Day Storm' raked the coast from northern California to British Columbia in Canada, killing forty-six people. It blew down fifteen billion board feet of timber and caused $235 million in property damage—$1.3 billion in today's dollars. 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 p.m. Tae Bo class. In my opinion, high-energy fighting-style workouts blatantly promote violence. 20. You pass an elementary-school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. Do you think they're selling pot? 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. The first ten minutes after light rain begins are the most dangerous. The rain mixes with oil from motor vehicles and oil from new asphalt. The result is a slippery roadway. If it rains hard and long enough, the rain washes off the oil and the slippery conditions are reduced. 22. Hey!!!! Is pot Illegal???? Yes. 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists. Swimming therapy for dogs has been proven to be beneficial for hip dysplasia. 24. The Terminator is going to be your next governor. Don't look at me. I voted for Mary Carey.   MORE LISTS

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES Memories of Amanda Davis Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MANILA DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW AND HERE'S THE KICKER: MIKE SACKS'S CONVERSATIONS WITH HUMOR WRITERS SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM AN ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER WHO IS TRYING TO GROW A MUSTACHE DISPATCHES FROM A HANGDOG BANKRUPT DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL DISPATCHES FROM INDIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES KIDS' LETTERS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE WINGS AT THE BALLET YOUR MONEY, YOUR JOB ... YOUR LIFE, WITH ALISON ROSEN KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT THANKS AND HAVE FUN RUNNING THE COUNTRY LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DAN KENNEDY SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS WITH PAPER STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL