S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
I AM THE PERIOD AT THE
END OF THIS PARAGRAPH.
- - - -
Look yeah I keep to myself that's just the way it is maybe I'm shy
maybe I'm aloof maybe I'm both shut up who cares what business is it
of yours anyway did I ask you no I did not sometimes people talk about
punctuation all together they say comma semicolon period like we're
all the same but I mean come on I'm not a comma commas are whores I
know that maybe you think they are as controlled and reserved as I am
because this paragraph has thus far created that false impression but
if you want to see how easy it is to get a comma to give it up just
just bang on a tambourine, or whistle, and a comma will start shaking
its ass and saying your name all sweet-like, disgusting really, why
can't a comma be more like me, stronger, with more self-respect, even
hyphens are whore-like, jumping willy-nilly into any stream of words,
and apostrophes, well, don't get me started on 'em, in fact, I can't
think of a single piece of punctuation that's as dignified as I am!
Can you? I'm guessing that you've been through them all in your head:
brackets, interrobangs (that's the question mark and exclamation point
shoved together like they're doing it), even parentheses, ecch they
all make me sick to my stomach, and I know that by now the pressure
has built to an almost unbearable level—I know because it's always
that way, every time—and that you just want me to appear so badly
that you can almost taste it, that you're shaking physically, that you
think of me as the money shot of punctuation, and, well, you're right:
all these other marks are pretenders to the throne and yeah when I
want to make an appearance I'll do it on my own terms, gloriously, and
you may think you know it's coming but you'll still be awestruck so
brace yourself if you want or tell yourself you're ready but you're
not ready I'll take your fucking breath away.
- - - -
Ben Greenman's new collection of stories, What He's Poised to Do, is available in all bookstores.
- - - -
PREVIOUS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES
- - - -
I Am the Period at the End of This Paragraph
By Ben Greenman (7/7/10)
We Are Going to Turn This Fake Christmas Tree Into an Art Piece So I Don't Have to Haul it Down to the Basement Again
By Lily Langerud (6/22/10)
I'm Comic Sans, Asshole
By Mike Lacher (6/15/10)
The Guy Who Wrote the Floating Text at the Beginning of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back Critiques the Floating Text of Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi, Using a Series of Animated PowerPoint Slides That Involve a Number of Compromising Photos of George Lucas
By Eric Fershtman (5/24/10)
A Man Who Donated His Big Toe to His Wife Asks For it Back Now That They're Getting a Divorce
By Dave Cowen (5/14/10)
This Really Nice Suit is Going to Get Me Acquitted
By Jeremy Pippenger (5/3/10)
The Guy Who Lost the New iPhone Apologizes to His Team
By Rupinder Gill (4/21/10)
The Guy Who Doesn't Want To Make Excuses, Addressing His Co-Ed Company Softball Team After They Lost Because He Dropped A Routine Fly Ball
By Joe Gerlitz (4/12/10)
Julian Lennon, On the Eve of his Parents' Divorce, Sits Through a New Song by Uncle Paul
By Michael Rottman (3/30/10)
Narcissus Breaks Up with Himself
By Doug Lieblich (3/9/10)
Your Spinning Class Instructor Takes the Tension Brake Literally
By Hilary Meyerson (3/3/10)
Civil War General George B. McClellan Addresses his Troop of Ten-Year-Olds in a Game of Capture the Flag While Waiting for his Retinue of Horse-Drawn Carriages
By River Clegg (2/24/10)
Sam Spade Asks You Out On a Date
By Nathan Pensky(2/17/10)
A Motivational Speaker Explains Why Excellence Matters
By Scott Vrooman (2/10/10)
An Aspiring Club DJ Reluctantly Moves On To Weddings
By John M. Flaherty (2/3/10)
Mr. Peanut Tries on Glasses at Lenscrafters
By Seth Weitberg (1/19/10)
Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company's Christmas Party
By Grace Bello (12/21/09)
An Anne Geddes Baby Grows Up
By Liz Labacz (12/14/09)
Pole Dancing With Paula Deen, Y'all!
By Erin Hershey (12/7/09)
An Unprepared Reporter Interviews the Pope
By Elizabeth Mahoney (11/30/09)
A Mysterious Drifter Just Isn't Up To Saving A Small Town
By Jon Gutierrez (11/13/09)
Matt Saracen, Dillon, Texas High School Quarterback, Plays in His First Game Back Since Visiting The Art Institute of Chicago as a Prospective Student
By David Bernstein (10/27/09)
I Want to Defend Myself and This Shirt I'm Wearing Inside Out
By Lucas Kavner (10/9/09)
One-Size-Fits-All Hairnets Are a Lie Perpetuated by the Hairnet Industry
By Brian Beatty (7/13/09)
Eco Joe's Pre-WrestleMania-Match Rant Leaves a Lot to Be Desired
By Frank Ferri (4/24/09)
Bono Gives the Rush-Hour Traffic Report
By Alyssa Lang (4/2/09)
This Adult Male Greater Sage Grouse Refuses to Play the Plumage Game, Baby
By Paul Ita (3/3/09)
Subway Sandwich Artist's Statement
By Jonathan Tucker Bell (2/19/09)
Stevie Nicks Applies for Work at an Ice Rink
By Jordi Barnes (1/27/09)
A Mail Carrier Realizes That a Family's Netflix Movie Has Yet to Be Returned
By Frank Ferri (1/6/09)
A Candiru Issues an Apology From Inside Your Urethra
By Isaac Rooks (12/8/08)
The Cervine Patient Begins His Analysis
By Curtis Edmonds (11/19/08)
No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
By Michael Nelson Price (11/6/08)
Beowulf, Sitting Next to a 16-Year-Old Kid, Watches Frasier on a Transcontinental Flight
By Russell Hehn (10/28/08)
A 39-Year-Old Wedding Photographer Makes Her Pitch at the Ramada Inn Bridal Expo
By Christine Nangle (10/21/08)
A Taxi Dispatcher Talks a Passenger Through an Emergency Parking
By Jake Salter (8/5/08)
Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors' Office
By Evan Johnston (8/1/08)
Mom, Dad, I'm Into Steampunk
By Marco Kaye (7/25/08)
It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night
By Colin Nissan (6/17/08)
A Former WWF Wrestler, Now a Suburban Realtor and Parent of Three, Campaigns for PTA Chair and Battles His Instincts
By Teddy Wayne (6/10/08)
A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
By John Frank (5/13/08)
The Most Complicated Game
By Michael Reisman (3/4/08)
Potsie's Breakdown
By Lindsay Champion (2/26/08)
Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
By Adrienne Gunn (2/14/08)
I Can't Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
By Nicole Fabian (2/5/08)
Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
By Sean P. Murray (1/29/08)
An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
By Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/08)
Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
By Grace Parra (12/18/07)
Blake, Alec Baldwin's Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
By Sonny Harding (12/11/07)
Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
By Becky Adnot (11/28/07)
An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
By Teddy Wayne (11/13/07)
My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
By Eric Feezell (11/6/07)
In the Early '70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
By Michael Stutz (10/23/07)
After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
By Aisha Muharrar (10/9/07)
An Obsessive-Compulsive's Prayer Before Death
By Eric Buell (10/2/07)
The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the "Free Breadsticks" Issue
By Mike Drucker (9/26/07)
Upon Hearing Fred's Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
By Jay Dyckman (9/17/07)
Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
By Dave De Fina (9/5/07)
Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
By Chad Rutan (8/23/07)
Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
By Matteson Perry (8/14/07)
Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
By Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/07)
A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
By A.H. Avouris (7/31/07)
I'm So Happy, I Think I'll Flip a Car
By Christine F. Nangle (7/24/07)
Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
By Colin Nissan (7/20/07)
Emergency Broadcast System
By Vince Eckert (7/11/07)
Vladimir Nabokov Didn't Have to Put Up With Payroll
By Shane Ryan (6/26/07)
An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She'd Make a Great Prom Date
By Megan Baker (6/20/07)
Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
By Rick Stoeckel (6/5/07)
Your Driver Hopes You're Sharing His Epiphany
By Emma Rowley (5/15/07)
Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
By Pat Landers (4/19/07)
William Smith: The College-Application Essay
By Justin Parker Pool I (4/12/07)
A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend's Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
By Matthew Collison (3/7/07)
An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
By Alex Kane (2/28/07)
Tom Skerritt's Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
By Patrick Cassels (2/14/07)
Today's AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/07)
My Brain's Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
By Dan Klein
Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
By Dede Preno
Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
By Andrew Tan
Holiday Basket Case
By Angie Brennan
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
By Mike Jones
An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
By Alex Berg
The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
By Juan Martinez
And They Say You Can't Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
By Devin Blake
Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at
4 A.M.
By Nick Kirincic
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
By Glen Weldon
Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
By Charlie Nadler
I'm Beginning to Think No One's Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
By Jason Roeder
Bill Cosby's Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson's King Kong
By Mike Jones
A Push-Reel Mower's Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
By Brian Slattery
Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
By Ralph Gamelli
Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
By Robert Hornak
An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
By Emma Rowley
Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
By Eric Edwards
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium
By Ned Rust
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
By Brian Graham
Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards's Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
By Julie Bear
Timothy Treadwell's Screen Tests for Cheers
By Eugenia Williamson
Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
By Roger Marks
The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
By Ben Hogan
Dr. Robotnik's Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
By Mark Alletag
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
By Libby Leonard
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
By Adam J. Silver
Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
By Andrew Meek
"The Macho Man" Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
By Rick Stoeckel
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
By Greg Ruehlmann
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
By Richard D. Allen
George Jefferson's Thoughts on Mind and Style
By Ben Greenman
Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
By Kathy Cacace
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
By Justin Kahn
What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
By Ben Greenman
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
By Teddy Wayne
Meatloaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
By Kevin O Cuinn
Beware, the Shark!
By Jamie Allen (7/8/04)
An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
By Jeremy Richards (6/29/04)
Local Radio Station's "'80s Hour" Wants a Second Chance
By Lindsay Hunter
Gregor Samsa, Coach
By Will Layman
Montecore and Roy
By Steve Martin
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
