S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
MORGAN FREEMAN
BUYS A POP-A-SHOT
MACHINE.
- - - -
(7/13/05)
Yes, hello, young man. It would seem I am in the market for a new Pop-A-Shot. You see, my previous machine has broken.
What sort of machine am I looking for, you ask? Well, sonny, that's a harder question than you know. The way I see it, a man can grow close to a machine. Closer than he might suspect. One day you're wandering aimlessly, swallowed up by the great expanse of sky around you, trying hard to make some meaning out of life, this place, this man you see before you every day in the mirror, on the movie screen and the like. Well, let me tell you, sonny—to come home to the glorious sound of your Pop-A-Shot machine, blinking and beeping as if to comfort you, console you in your quest for truth ... this does more for me than I think your mind might comprehend.
My high score? Well ... hell, son. Believe me, I wish I could tell you the answers to all of life's questions, I really do. To be on top of it all at one moment, riding high on the joys of success, the satisfaction of great accomplishment, whether it be portraying the
president of the United States or narrating the harrowing story of Andy Dufresne or Clint Eastwood's subtly beautiful Million Dollar Baby. This is no small thing. And yet a man hungers still, falls still—far short of his dreams, of the hopes he stores for ages in the quiet longing of his beating heart. And what was the highest score of all? I wish I knew. I truly wish I knew.
Once I sunk about 20 buckets in the final 15 seconds, you know, that glorious threshold when the machine transitions from the 2-point basket to the 3-point basket. And then, at that moment, I thought I understood what achievement really means to the wandering mind of a restless man. What total score flashed on the brilliant
screen at game's end? I can't quite recall. Perhaps 123, maybe 137. I was a badass that day. But was the score the most important thing? I don't know if I can answer that.
What did you tell me your name was, sonny? Rick, you say. I see you're taking me through the swing sets to get to the Pop-A-Shot aisle. Answer this for me, Rick, my boy: Do all of the Toys "R" Us's guide you from the swings to the electronic basketball hoops? And do you see in the sway of the swing set the rising and falling of a man's fortunes? The way we all learn to know our own peaks and valleys? In the valleys, though, we can find vindication, too, as we did in our hopeless assault on the Confederate hill in Glory. That was the noblest of undertakings.
Ah, my dear young man. Here we are. And this valiant row of Pop-A-Shots stirs my soul. This one here, the Electrohoop SuperShot 4000. It stands out from the rest. There's something stately about it, something grand in how it rests there. And the price tag suits me well. Yes, this is the one, sonny. I'll take it. Indeed, I'll take it home with me this very day. With this hoop, the future opens up with promise. But are the days to come filled only with good things? I wish I could answer that. I really wish I could. But I can't; even the art of Pop-A-Shot is an uncertain one.
Could you help me carry this to the cash register? Thank you, Rick. You're a good man.
- - - -
PREVIOUS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES
- - - -
The Most Complicated Game
By Michael Reisman (3/4/08)
Potsie's Breakdown
By Lindsay Champion (2/26/08)
Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
By Adrienne Gunn (2/14/08)
I Can't Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
By Nicole Fabian (2/5/08)
Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
By Sean P. Murray (1/29/08)
An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
By Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/08)
Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
By Grace Parra (12/18/07)
Blake, Alec Baldwin's Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
By Sonny Harding (12/11/07)
Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
By Becky Adnot (11/28/07)
An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
By Teddy Wayne (11/13/07)
My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
By Eric Feezell (11/6/07)
In the Early '70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
By Michael Stutz (10/23/07)
After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
By Aisha Muharrar (10/9/07)
An Obsessive-Compulsive's Prayer Before Death
By Eric Buell (10/2/07)
The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the "Free Breadsticks" Issue
By Mike Drucker (9/26/07)
Upon Hearing Fred's Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
By Jay Dyckman (9/17/07)
Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
By Dave De Fina (9/5/07)
Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
By Chad Rutan (8/23/07)
Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
By Matteson Perry (8/14/07)
Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
By Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/07)
A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
By A.H. Avouris (7/31/07)
I'm So Happy, I Think I'll Flip a Car
By Christine F. Nangle (7/24/07)
Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
By Colin Nissan (7/20/07)
Emergency Broadcast System
By Vince Eckert (7/11/07)
Vladimir Nabokov Didn't Have to Put Up With Payroll
By Shane Ryan (6/26/07)
An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She'd Make a Great Prom Date
By Megan Baker (6/20/07)
Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
By Rick Stoeckel (6/5/07)
Your Driver Hopes You're Sharing His Epiphany
By Emma Rowley (5/15/07)
Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
By Pat Landers (4/19/07)
William Smith: The College-Application Essay
By Justin Parker Pool I (4/12/07)
A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend's Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
By Matthew Collison (3/7/07)
An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
By Alex Kane (2/28/07)
Tom Skerritt's Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
By Patrick Cassels (2/14/07)
Today's AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/07)
My Brain's Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
By Dan Klein
Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
By Dede Preno
Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
By Andrew Tan
Holiday Basket Case
By Angie Brennan
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
By Mike Jones
An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
By Alex Berg
The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
By Juan Martinez
And They Say You Can't Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
By Devin Blake
Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at
4 A.M.
By Nick Kirincic
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
By Glen Weldon
Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
By Charlie Nadler
I'm Beginning to Think No One's Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
By Jason Roeder
Bill Cosby's Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson's King Kong
By Mike Jones
A Push-Reel Mower's Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
By Brian Slattery
Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
By Ralph Gamelli
Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
By Robert Hornak
An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
By Emma Rowley
Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
By Eric Edwards
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium
By Ned Rust
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
By Brian Graham
Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards's Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
By Julie Bear
Timothy Treadwell's Screen Tests for Cheers
By Eugenia Williamson
Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
By Roger Marks
The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
By Ben Hogan
Dr. Robotnik's Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
By Mark Alletag
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
By Libby Leonard
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
By Adam J. Silver
Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
By Andrew Meek
"The Macho Man" Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
By Rick Stoeckel
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
By Greg Ruehlmann
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
By Richard D. Allen
George Jefferson's Thoughts on Mind and Style
By Ben Greenman
Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
By Kathy Cacace
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
By Justin Kahn
What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
By Ben Greenman
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
By Teddy Wayne
Meatloaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
By Kevin O Cuinn
Beware, the Shark!
By Jamie Allen (7/8/04)
An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
By Jeremy Richards (6/29/04)
Local Radio Station's "'80s Hour" Wants a Second Chance
By Lindsay Hunter
Gregor Samsa, Coach
By Will Layman
Montecore and Roy
By Steve Martin