S H O R T I M A G I N E D
M O N O L O G U E S .
- - - -
A Mail Carrier
Realizes That a Family's
Netflix Movie Has Yet
to Be Returned.
- - - -
The Chandlers sure are taking a long time to watch their latest movie. I hope everything's OK. They're usually so efficient at watching and returning. I remember thinking, "Whoa-ho! Netflix must hate the Chandlers. They really get their money's worth."
I guess they could have dropped the movie into one of those big blue USPS mailboxes, but why would they? Their mailbox is right outside their front door—and it's wall-mounted. It's easy to just slip it in there. I've even seen the little one, what's-his-name, Randy, stick a letter out there—and he barely needed to open the front door.
I'm off on Wednesdays—that's when Tim covers my shift. I thought they might have returned the movie on one of those days. But Tim said no, that he would've remembered a pickup like that. Tim's right. There's no way he'd forget a Netflix pickup. I think I insulted him by even asking. Shit. And after all Tim's done for me.
If that movie is still in the house—and I pray to God it isn't—I really hope the Chandlers are on the least-expensive plan. Two rentals a month or something. But I think that limits you to one movie out at a time, so they've got to get this one back soon or they'll just be blowing it. Blowing it! They'll pay for two movies and only see one.
It's puzzling. I know if there were a movie at the top of my queue that I was itching to see, I'd be sure to send back the one I had so I could get the next one ASAP. I guess nothing on their list is making them want to crank through one movie to get to the next. Maybe they need to reassess. You know, take a look at their queue and rethink things. For example, it helps to mix up the order based on genre. That's probably Tip No. 1—and I learned it the hard way. One time, I watched 21 Grams, Requiem for a Dream, Hotel Rwanda, and From Justin to Kelly one right after the other. Nearly killed myself. Especially after that last one. But I learned.
I've got a ton of other ideas that I just know could help the Chandlers. But I don't want to seem like I'm imposing my tastes on them. Who knows if we even share the same film preferences? Plus, what if I make a fool of myself? Like when I asked Mr. Dawson if everything was OK at work because I noticed his paycheck stopped coming in the mail. That was the first time I'd ever heard of direct deposit. Boy, did I feel like a jackass.
Still, I find it disturbing that the Chandlers would let a movie just sit on their TV this long. I know there are no late fees with Netflix, but that's the kind of marketing maneuver that ends up screwing customers. They know they can just sit on the movie without penalty. Meanwhile, their credit card gets charged each month no matter what.
But the Chandlers never seemed to fall into that trap. They'd keep a movie a week, week and a half tops. Their Netflix habits were as regular as the clicks of a metronome. Damn it, what's going on?
I know they've got dough to burn—he's a tax attorney, she's a pediatrician—but still. Nothing's changed so far as I know. Old man Peterson a couple doors down says both of their practices are booming.
I guess things get hectic when you add to those high-pressure careers three kids, a dog, and, I think, a bird (I heard chirping in there once). Whatever the reason, the Chandlers are turning into exactly the kind of customers Netflix loves.
But why the inertia all of a sudden? That's what's so baffling.
I hope things are going OK—personally, I mean. I know he's been working later and later. And she seems stressed. Last Saturday, she was short with me. She was gardening, and I went to hand her the mail. Without even looking up, she said, "Mailbox." That's it. That's all she said. One word, and it came out snippy. In her defense, she was pruning her hydrangeas and had sharp shears in her hands, so I guess I can attribute her terseness to her concentration.
But I bet something is going on. If there's turmoil in the family, movie night isn't going to happen. It's just not. And I feel for those kids.
- - - -
PREVIOUS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES
- - - -
Narcissus Breaks Up with Himself
By Doug Lieblich (3/9/10)
Your Spinning Class Instructor Takes the Tension Brake Literally
By Hilary Meyerson (3/3/10)
Civil War General George B. McClellan Addresses his Troop of Ten-Year-Olds in a Game of Capture the Flag While Waiting for his Retinue of Horse-Drawn Carriages
By River Clegg (2/24/10)
Sam Spade Ask You Out On a Date
By Nathan Pensky (2/17/10)
A Motivational Speaker Explains Why Excellence Matters
By Scott Vrooman (2/10/10)
An Aspiring Club DJ Reluctantly Moves On To Weddings
By John M. Flaherty (2/3/10)
Mr. Peanut Tries on Glasses at Lenscrafters
By Seth Weitberg (1/19/10)
Blanche DuBois Gives You a Tour of Her Company's Christmas Party
By Grace Bello (12/21/09)
An Anne Geddes Baby Grows Up
By Liz Labacz (12/14/09)
Pole Dancing With Paula Deen, Y'all!
By Erin Hershey (12/7/09)
An Unprepared Reporter Interviews the Pope
By Elizabeth Mahoney (11/30/09)
A Mysterious Drifter Just Isn't Up To Saving A Small Town
By Jon Gutierrez (11/13/09)
Matt Saracen, Dillon, Texas High School Quarterback, Plays in His First Game Back Since Visiting The Art Institute of Chicago as a Prospective Student
By David Bernstein (10/27/09)
I Want to Defend Myself and This Shirt I'm Wearing Inside Out
By Lucas Kavner (10/9/09)
One-Size-Fits-All Hairnets Are a Lie Perpetuated by the Hairnet Industry
By Brian Beatty (7/13/09)
Eco Joe's Pre-WrestleMania-Match Rant Leaves a Lot to Be Desired
By Frank Ferri (4/24/09)
Bono Gives the Rush-Hour Traffic Report
By Alyssa Lang (4/2/09)
This Adult Male Greater Sage Grouse Refuses to Play the Plumage Game, Baby
By Paul Ita (3/3/09)
Subway Sandwich Artist's Statement
By Jonathan Tucker Bell (2/19/09)
Stevie Nicks Applies for Work at an Ice Rink
By Jordi Barnes (1/27/09)
A Mail Carrier Realizes That a Family's Netflix Movie Has Yet to Be Returned
By Frank Ferri (1/6/09)
A Candiru Issues an Apology From Inside Your Urethra
By Isaac Rooks (12/8/08)
The Cervine Patient Begins His Analysis
By Curtis Edmonds (11/19/08)
No Son of Mine Plays Oregon Trail Like That
By Michael Nelson Price (11/6/08)
Beowulf, Sitting Next to a 16-Year-Old Kid, Watches Frasier on a Transcontinental Flight
By Russell Hehn (10/28/08)
A 39-Year-Old Wedding Photographer Makes Her Pitch at the Ramada Inn Bridal Expo
By Christine Nangle (10/21/08)
A Taxi Dispatcher Talks a Passenger Through an Emergency Parking
By Jake Salter (8/5/08)
Jeff Bezos Says Hi to You in the Waiting Room of Your Doctors' Office
By Evan Johnston (8/1/08)
Mom, Dad, I'm Into Steampunk
By Marco Kaye (7/25/08)
It Was I Who Flipped Over the Risk Board Last Night
By Colin Nissan (6/17/08)
A Former WWF Wrestler, Now a Suburban Realtor and Parent of Three, Campaigns for PTA Chair and Battles His Instincts
By Teddy Wayne (6/10/08)
A Pep Talk for the New Pair of Shorts I Will Wear Every Day This Summer
By John Frank (5/13/08)
The Most Complicated Game
By Michael Reisman (3/4/08)
Potsie's Breakdown
By Lindsay Champion (2/26/08)
Heart for Sale, Slightly Torn
By Adrienne Gunn (2/14/08)
I Can't Remain Your Girlfriend Just Because Your Best Friend Is in a Coma
By Nicole Fabian (2/5/08)
Fellow Grocery Shoppers of Checkout Line No. 6
By Sean P. Murray (1/29/08)
An Orca Goes Drinking, Talks About His Career
By Jonathan J. Levin (1/22/08)
Let Me Assure You, Joanie. I Am Freezing
By Grace Parra (12/18/07)
Blake, Alec Baldwin's Character From the Movie Version of Glengarry Glen Ross, Motivates Some Fourth-Graders
By Sonny Harding (12/11/07)
Christopher Robin Stages an Intervention
By Becky Adnot (11/28/07)
An Inarticulate, Self-Consciously Ironic Voice of His Twentysomething Generation Makes an Opening Statement for His Client in a Corporate-Fraud Case
By Teddy Wayne (11/13/07)
My Workplace Eulogy, as Given by My Boss, in Office Jargon
By Eric Feezell (11/6/07)
In the Early '70s, a Chicago Native Approves of the Sears Tower Construction, in Anticipation of It Beating the World Trade Center for Tallest Building in the World
By Michael Stutz (10/23/07)
After Organizing an Emergency Eight-and-Three-Fourths-Year Reunion, a Late Bloomer Shares Some Important News With Her Class
By Aisha Muharrar (10/9/07)
An Obsessive-Compulsive's Prayer Before Death
By Eric Buell (10/2/07)
The CEO of the Olive Garden Makes His Last Stand on the "Free Breadsticks" Issue
By Mike Drucker (9/26/07)
Upon Hearing Fred's Usual Suggestion That the Gang Split Up, Velma Raises a Few Issues
By Jay Dyckman (9/17/07)
Having Just Completed a Three-Week Throw-Intensive Judo Course, I Strongly Advise You Not to Fuck With Me
By Dave De Fina (9/5/07)
Moby-Dick Explains His New Captain Ahab Piercing to His Wife
By Chad Rutan (8/23/07)
Narcissus Places a Personal Ad
By Matteson Perry (8/14/07)
Death-Metal Star Rethinks Romantic Love Onstage
By Jonathan J. Levin (8/8/07)
A Billet-Doux From Your Goldfish
By A.H. Avouris (7/31/07)
I'm So Happy, I Think I'll Flip a Car
By Christine F. Nangle (7/24/07)
Eulogy for a Bearded Bee Guy
By Colin Nissan (7/20/07)
Emergency Broadcast System
By Vince Eckert (7/11/07)
Vladimir Nabokov Didn't Have to Put Up With Payroll
By Shane Ryan (6/26/07)
An Elmwood Forest High School Special Report: Susan Mary Kovolski Thinks She'd Make a Great Prom Date
By Megan Baker (6/20/07)
Bo Jackson Announces His Intention to Rush for Over 500 Yards in a Single Game in Tecmo Bowl for Nintendo
By Rick Stoeckel (6/5/07)
Your Driver Hopes You're Sharing His Epiphany
By Emma Rowley (5/15/07)
Thoughts for Incoming Freshman
By Pat Landers (4/19/07)
William Smith: The College-Application Essay
By Justin Parker Pool I (4/12/07)
A Drunken, Obnoxious, Imaginative, Unnecessary Best-Man Speech for a Friend's Marriage of Convenience at the Municipal Building
By Matthew Collison (3/7/07)
An Excerpt From the Lindale High School Graduation Valedictorian Speech by Samuel Clark, Who Ate the Brains of His Fellow Students to Increase His Intelligence
By Alex Kane (2/28/07)
Tom Skerritt's Speech to the Cadets in Top Gun Is Probably Long Enough as It Is
By Patrick Cassels (2/14/07)
Today's AA Speaker: Mr. Tom Waits (If Mr. Waits Is Actually Like the People He Writes Songs About)
By Russell Bradbury-Carlin (2/5/07)
My Brain's Answers During an Interview After Hearing the News That I Am About to Take Mushrooms for the First Time
By Dan Klein
Matthew McConaughey Explains to His Friend Rich That He Forgot His Dr. Pepper
By Dede Preno
Holden Caulfield Gives the Commencement Speech to a High School
By Andrew Tan
Holiday Basket Case
By Angie Brennan
Professor Richard Dawkins Speaks at Fair Hills Kindergarten Regarding Santa Claus, December 2, 2006
By Mike Jones
An 8-Foot Submarine Sandwich Gives Himself a Pep Talk
By Alex Berg
The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
By Juan Martinez
And They Say You Can't Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
By Devin Blake
Slash Prepares to Run to 7-Eleven for Cigarettes at
4 A.M.
By Nick Kirincic
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man
By Glen Weldon
Wario Gives an Account of a Mario Kart Race for Strangers at a Bar
By Charlie Nadler
I'm Beginning to Think No One's Coming to My Cinco de Mayo Party
By Jason Roeder
Bill Cosby's Unused Dialogue as the Voice of King Kong During the Final Confrontation on Top of the Empire State Building in Peter Jackson's King Kong
By Mike Jones
A Push-Reel Mower's Rumination on Mowing the Lawn in the Gas-Powered Age
By Brian Slattery
Final Thoughts of the Big Bald Shirtless German Soldier Who Beat Up Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
By Ralph Gamelli
Bob Hope Auditions for the Role of Quint in Jaws: April 12, 1974 (The USS Indianapolis Monologue)
By Robert Hornak
An Unwelcome Confession From Someone Whose Hand Is in Your Mouth
By Emma Rowley
Alligators Are the New Sharks, as Rebutted by a Shark
By Eric Edwards
The Garter Snake in 11-Year-Old Kevin Wackerbarth's Terrarium
By Ned Rust
David Caruso Scolds His Cat About Its Lackadaisical Litter-Box Use
By Brian Graham
Britney Spears Responds to Daniel Edwards's Sculpture Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
By Julie Bear
Timothy Treadwell's Screen Tests for Cheers
By Eugenia Williamson
Ryan Adams Gives a Speech to a Little League Team He Coaches, Before the Championship Game
By Roger Marks
The Thoughts of Burt Reynolds Upon Stumbling on a Rerun of Win, Lose, or Draw on the Game Show Network on August 9, 2005
By Ben Hogan
Dr. Robotnik's Proposal to His Board of Shareholders
By Mark Alletag
Christopher Walken Attempts to Convince a Harlem T-Shirt Vendor That Scarface Can Be a Religion
By Libby Leonard
Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism
By Adam J. Silver
Alfred Hitchcock Complains About His Hotel Room
By Andrew Meek
"The Macho Man" Randy Savage Goes to the Doctor
By Rick Stoeckel
Morgan Freeman Buys a Pop-A-Shot Machine
By Greg Ruehlmann
Thak, the Most Organized Member of the Party of Roughly 70 People Who Originally Settled North America
By Richard D. Allen
George Jefferson's Thoughts on Mind and Style
By Ben Greenman
Bit Bit, Speak!: A Monologue From the Canine Companion of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
By Kathy Cacace
Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
By Justin Kahn
What It Is to Love and Lose: Groucho Marx
By Ben Greenman
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter
By Teddy Wayne
Meatloaf: On Commitment, to Varsity Cheerleaders
By Kevin O Cuinn
Beware, the Shark!
By Jamie Allen (7/8/04)
An Aging Kelis, Years from Now, Reflects on a Milkshake Long Expired, but How the Boys, Ah, the Boys Remain
By Jeremy Richards (6/29/04)
Local Radio Station's "'80s Hour" Wants a Second Chance
By Lindsay Hunter
Gregor Samsa, Coach
By Will Layman
Montecore and Roy
By Steve Martin
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.
