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Just in time for Valentine's Day,
the Guardian in London has
reviewed and raved about
The Secret Language of Sleep.
And, for the rest of the week,
you can buy it for $5!

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Dispatches From a Guy Trying Unsuccessfully to Sell a Song In Nashville. - - - - Charlie Hopper is well aware that it's cliché for advertising agency people to dream of being songwriters, but there it is. He works at Young & Laramore Advertising in Indianapolis and has written songs his whole life—most of them for a D.I.Y. rock band. About four years ago he got the idea that he should write a song and see if he could sell it to Nashville. So far he hasn't. - - - - D I S P A T C H   4 Meet Your Modern Pantheon. BY CHARLIE HOPPER - - - - Dierks Bentley jumps up from a table at a café where a bunch of writers are performing on a winter night. He's wearing a knit hat and looks like any Gen-X/Y guy there to see a show. "Man, I have to haul my ass all over the country and perform to make money. You guys just have to walk out to the mailbox," he observes to Harley Allen before joining in on a song the two of them co-wrote defending Dierks' weird name. Country stars in any decade are sort of creating a loose storyline around themselves, and every song is another episode, another extension of the persona they're putting together as a career. The songs are scripts. The scripts tell stories. The stories have to fit the characters. Here are many of the current, main country artists and a glimpse of their characters, which I'll bet five dollars is all news to you. And because I have embraced the idea of writing to old, time-tested formulas, I have composed each one as a haiku. Trace Adkins Seems older, wiser, Sensitive, grizzled. And his Videos? Soft porn! Jason Aldean Farms, farmers, farm girls, Hicktown residents, tractors... Hmm, I sense a theme. Rodney Atkins He sings about kids Selling lemonade, cussing Eating Happy Meals. Dierks Bentley Song choices paint him As a ramblin' tough with a Thing for white tank tops Big & Rich/Gretchen Wilson Blast of fresh raw air Blew in awhile back. Rough, tough, Rowdy and "real." Brooks & Dunn Coupla Good Ol' Boys Actually seem to like each other. Of course, it's show biz... Luke Bryan/Blake Shelton/Keith Anderson They sing about fun And it looks like fun singing About having fun Kenny Chesney Blends Buffet's beach vibe Glee club enthusiasm And red neck. Pure Gold. Bucky Covington/Kellie Pickler/Josh Gracin Idol contestants Who apparently didn't Listen to Simon Billy Currington/Jason Aldean/James Ingram/Gary Allan/Joe Nichols They pick some good songs Seem like guys you might have known From your high school class Dixie Chicks They're gone. Done. Sorry. Their story teaches: only Feign independence. Alan Jackson Venerable 'stache: He's the kind of guy you'd want As a rich uncle. Jamey Johnson Nice beard. He co-wrote "Honkytonk Badonkadonk" And a great Strait song. Toby Keith Watch your ass, bad guys! It's Toby's boot! (sigh) And yet: Some excellent songs. Miranda Lambert Look out Blake Shelton We all know she's your girlfriend And she seems real pissed Little Big Town/Lost Trailers/Zach Brown Band/Emerson Drive/Lady Antebellum They come and they go These groups with a hit or two We should wish them well Lonestar/Diamond Rio/Sawyer Brown/Kentucky Headhunters Success fades so fast Even groups with lots of hits Are bound for State Fairs Martina McBride/Sara Evans They both tend to sing Of girls becoming women, Learning life lessons Reba McEntire She is royalty Her name is like a totem And wards off evil Tim McGraw & Faith Hill Nashville's first couple He's had all those hits. Her, too. All moods, themes, tempos. Jo Dee Messina Tough sounding lady Judging from the in-your-face Singles she's released Montgomery Gentry They could kick your ass Wouldn't want to make 'em mad Just do what they say Craig Morgan Is he everyman? Tours armed forces, sings of home, Boats, love, combines, God. Brad Paisley Shatner friend writes, shreds, Art directs, marries actress. How Renaissance-y. Rascal Flatts These song vendors know Stadium-sized emotions Fill up arenas. Leann Rimes/Trisha Yearwood/Lee Ann Womack On and off the charts For years. Songs of love, anger, Hope, faith, all that stuff. Darius Rucker Yep. It's him. Hootie. He's gone country and co-writes Thoughtful, decent songs. George Strait Few people on earth Have built up as much good will As this old cowpoke Sugarland Their frontwoman has Hardest "r's" in the business. They sure do write hits. Taylor Swift The kid writes, endures Kanye, even wins critic Sasha Frere Jones' heart Travis Tritt/Joe Diffie/Tracy Lawrence/Clint Black Their hits play daily, Left over from the nineties: Solid songs endure. Josh Turner Bass voices are great But the speakers in my car Can't take too much Josh Shania Twain/Garth Brooks Both are often knocked For being too commercial. Garth at least seems nice. Carrie Underwood Lordy, she sings loud. High, too. Guess that's how you win American I. Keith Urban Kidman's pretty boy Speaks Aussie, sings Tennessee-y. Songs? Sorta same-ish. Clay Walker/Phil Vassar They're the Craig Morgans And the Rodney Atkinses Of yesterday's charts Hank Williams, Jr. Ready for football? No introduction needed... Here comes Bocephus! - - - -   MORE DISPATCHES

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