Norse History
for Bostonians.
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When not choking on the sickly sweet taste of 21st-century despair, Rowdy Geirsson maintains www.scandinavianaggression.com and attempts to promote the glorious (or inglorious, as the case may be) deeds of Vikings past and present. Here, he discusses special topics in medieval Norse history with the intention of maximizing ease of comprehension among Bostonians and other pertinent New Englanders (Connecticuters excluded).
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L E S S O N #3
A SHORT HISTORY OF THE EPIC NORSE SLAUGHTER
AT CLONTARF FOR BOSTONIANS.
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So it's like I was sayin', those Nahwegians, back like 1000 ye'ahs
ago, they just totally fuckin' dominated Dublin. Now don't get me
wrong, it's not like they didn't evah have any fuckin' setbacks'ah
their own ah anything, but fah the most paht they just pretty much ran
things howevah which way they wanted n' so one'ah the things that
ended up happenin' was that they all intahmarried with the Irish
locals till eventually there were all these mixed Gaelic Nahwegian
bastahds runnin' 'round all ovah town. Now tah make mattahs even mohr
intuhrestin' is all the guys back in Nahway at this time, they're
stahtin' tah all go ovah tah Iceland now instead'ah tah Ireland, n' so
even with all the intahmarryin', the Gaelic Nahwegians ahr gettin'
spread way too thin fah their own comfaht n' all the Irish patriots
ahr seein' this n' so they're gettin' all motivated n' so they're
fohmin' militias n' gettin' tahgethah fah tea pahties n' shit like
that till ye'ah 1014 when a couple'ah Irish patriots run intah each
othah in some dive bah off'ah Comm Av n' decide tah put tahgethah a
fuckin' classic rock band.
So the one guy, his name's Mael Seachlainn Mor n' he's a pretty big
shit from somewhere ovah in the middle'ah Ireland, but the othah guy
is this Brian Boru, yah know, like the fuckin' vodka, n' he's from way
the fuck out there in County Clare. So now these two guys, they hit it
off bettah n' fuckin' Bird n' McHale n' befohr yah even know it
they're totally fuckin' plastuh'd n' one of 'em stahts tellin' the
othah, "Yah know, those fuckin' Gaelic Nahwegian sonsabitches, they
really fuckin' piss me off. They got us by the fuckin' balls, yah
know. I mean, I can't even take a piss anymohr without askin' one'ah
these goddamned Nahwegian retahds fah his royal fuckin' pahmission tah
shake my thing n' then zip up aftahwahds fah Christ's sake." N' so
then he says somethin' about the two'ah 'em joinin' up n' the othah
guy's so fuckin' hammahed that he ain't even got no idea what the fuck
this guy's goin' on about so he's just like, "Yeah, whatevah, yah
know, I'm just tryin' not tah close my eyes 'cause I don't wannah
black out n' fall sleep, but fuck, yah know, I don't wannah miss a
thing."
So then these two guys n' their patriot buddies all come tahgethah n'
turns out they got some real great chemistry but sometimes squabbles
break out ovah things like whose wife threw the glass'ah milk when she
shouldn't'ah n' who gets tah be the High King'ah Ireland n' shit like
that, n' Brian, he's always makin' sure he's landin' on top n'
sometimes this gets Mael Seachlainn tah grudge him but bein' as he's
not the charahsmatic front man he genahrally puts up with it at least
mostah the time.
Now this othah Irish guy, Maelmordha, he gets wind'ah this n' he gets
fuckin' pissed that he wasn't invited tah be in the patriot's band n'
so he decides tah just fahget his own foolish pride n' he goes ovah
tah the othah side n' meets up with Sigtrygg Silkbeard who's the guy
in chahge ovah in Dublin at this time. So this Sigtrygg guy, he's been
feelin' like a total skid lately 'cause the Gaelic Nahwegians just
lost an impahtant playoff series tah those cocksuckahs ovah in York n'
so Maelmordha goes up tah him n' he says, "So I heard yah been feelin'
kindah low on accoun'ah the dues yah been payin'? But yah fuckin' know
what? Sometimes the fu'tuh comes much tah fuckin' slow n' now I can
see you're the kindah guy who really wants tah run shit but yah just
keep on stayin' he'ah n' doin' nothin' since yah can't decide which
way tah fuckin' go. Now I totally undahstand 'bout indecision, I
really fuckin' do, but thing is with me, I don't give a shit 'bout
gettin' left behind. All these othah pricks out there, they're all
busy livin' in competition, but all I cahr about is my own fuckin'
peace'ah mind." N' so he goes on tah suggest that they take a look
ahead n' fohm their own rock n' roll band n' Sigtrygg thinks this a
wicked pissah idear n' so then they go n' get Sigurd the Stout from
Orkney n' this othah guy Brodir from the Isle'ah Man tah take cahr'ah
the bass n' the drums.
Now things ahr goin' pretty good fah Brian n' Mael Seachlainn's band
n' so they decide they're gonnah hit the rocky tour road, n' since
they're a bunch'ah Irish musician guys they're fiddlin' as they go n'
they're singin' fah the laugh n' they're singin' fah the tears, n'
they're singin' even if it's just fah today 'cause tahmahrrah they
know the good lohrd may just go n' fuckin' take 'em away. N' people
ahr comin' outtah their homes tah see these guys live n' befohr yah
know it they got chicks n' high school guys numbah'in in the fuckin'
thousands followin' 'em 'round n' so now yah got this huge unruly
Irish mob walkin' this way all the ways tah Dublin.
So Brian n' Mael Seachlainn's band n' their groupies n' fans finally
get tah the city n' they're headin' down the fuckin' freedom trail
till they get tah the main stage at Clontarf in front'ah the old state
house where Sigtrygg n' Maelmordha's band just happens tah be settin'
up fah a gig'ah their own, n' as soon as they see these Irish guys
they get mohr 'en a feelin' that they ahrn't there fah the same ole
song n' dance, so they skip the salutations entiyahly n' just fuckin'
open fi'ah, but they don't just massahcre the first 5 guys n' then
leave it tah some crazy coppahsmith tah make some famous engravin' of
fah fuckin' postehuhty's sake. Nah, they keep on goin' at it n' so
then the Irish staht fi'ah'en back n' befohr yah know it both sides
ahr just goin' completely fuckin' nuts n' everyone's fuckin' shreddin'
with their axes like fuckin' maniacs n' the pyrotechnics ahr goin' off
like it's the fuckin' 4th'ah July n' the killin' don't stop till the
death count makes the goddamned Cocoanut Grove fi'ah from back in '42
look like a fuckin' cause fah celebration.
So, as yah can pretty much figyah, this is pretty fuckin' traumatizin'
fah both bands, 'cause the Irish lose like 4000 guys, but the Gaelic
Nahwegians, they lose like fuckin' 7000 guys, includin' Maelmordha n'
Sigurd the Stout. So natuhrally, the Gaelic Nahwegians, they ahren't
feelin' too satisfied 'bout this n' they're even gettin' booed off
stage by the audience at this point 'cause they decided they liked the
patriots' gig bettah, n' so the Gaelic Nahwegians staht tah flee n'
the Irish ahr stahtin' tah relax, n' so Brian Boru goes ovah tah the
Common n' he's sittin' there on the grass beneath some tree gettin'
high, singin' 'bout his sweet emotion or some shit when fuckin' Brodir
n' a couple'ah othah Gaelic Nahwegian stragglahs who'd been hidin' out
in some skeevy theathah ovah in the combat zone pop outtah nowhere n'
fuckin' murdah the guy right on the spot, but befohr they can get away
'emselves this completely fuckin' insane Irish roadie guy named Wolf
the Quarrelsome shows up n' fuckin' rips out their goddamned entrails.
Now turns out Sigtrygg's a biggah fuckin' losah 'en anyone evah even
thought he was 'cause he's been hidin' his ass out ovah in the state
house this entiyah time, n' so he's still alive but so's Mael
Seachlainn even though he was one'ah the guys up on stage killin'. So
Mael Seachlainn goes ovah tah the state house n' he sees Sigtrygg
hidin' up there like a real cowahd so he shouts up tah this twofaced
prick, "Dude, yah look like a fuckin' lady, hidin' up there with yah
lace doilies n' yah fine china n' shit. I'd come up there n' take yah
on myself but bein' as I'm now the High King'ah Ireland I got more
pressin' business tah attend tah. There's all these goddamned petty
Irish kings actin' like pricks all ovah the country, n' since I gottah
deal with 'em now, I'll let yah stay up there fah the time bein' so
long as yah don't do anything retahded. Yah got that, yah fuckin'
creep? If I even so much as he'ah you're rallyin' troops or sendin'
messages to Nahway or some shit, I'll be ovah these walls fastah 'en a
fuckin' convict on the run outtah Walpole n' I'll fuckin' teahr yah
tah fuckin' pieces."
N' then he got back in the saddle again n' rode off tah brawl with the
petty kings'ah Ireland, n' Dublin's Nahwegian cuhrse was pretty much
finally revuhrsed fah good.
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