Norse History
for Bostonians.
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When not choking on the sickly sweet taste of 21st-century despair, Rowdy Geirsson maintains www.scandinavianaggression.com and attempts to promote the glorious (or inglorious, as the case may be) deeds of Vikings past and present. Here, he discusses special topics in medieval Norse history with the intention of maximizing ease of comprehension among Bostonians and other pertinent New Englanders (Connecticuters excluded).
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L E S S O N #4
A SHORT HISTORY
OF THE NORSE
FOUNDING OF
RUSSIA FOR
BOSTONIANS.
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Thing is, back befohr the time'ah the Vikings, Russia didn't even
fuckin' exist. That's 'cause back then all it was was just some
big fuckin' territahry with a bunchah different Slavic tribes
livin' in it n' the whole idea'ah Russia, not tah even mention
Russian people, was completely unfuckin' heard'ah. But a'couhrse
that was back befohr the Swedes had stahted tah crowd the whole damn
place like smaht kids ovah in fuckin' Cambridge.
Now, I know what yah thinkin'. A guy stahts talkin' 'bout Swedes
n' Sweden n' the first thing that evah comes tah anyone's mind
who's even gottah fuckin' clue is cheap furniture n' pretty
blondes, but back in medieval times, that's not what the Swedes were
best known fah. What the Swedes were best known fah back then was
bein' really fuckin' good at killin' n' oppressin' whoevah
they fuckin' felt like.
See, in those days, the Swedes were doin' like the Nahwegians n'
Danes n' sailin' 'round, sackin' n' pillagin' n'
tradin' whereevah they fuckin' wanted, the main difference bein'
that the Swedes went east instead'ah west on accoun'ah their
homeland bein' on the Baltic Sea n' facin' eastwahds. N' as it
just so happened, these Swedish guys eventually figured out that if
they crossed the Baltic n' sailed on down the Volkhov n' Dneipah
n' Volga rivahs n' pohrtaged their boats where they had tah, they
could get their hands on some serious fuckin' silvah in fah off
places like Baghdad n' Constantinople.
Now regahdin' Constantinople, that city was basically the hub'ah
the entiyah fuckin' univehrse back in those days n' so naturally
the Swedes just fuckin' loved the place n' all the ones who went
there ended up tellin' all their buddies back home 'bout it with
the result bein' that Swedish traffic tah the hub slowly stahted tah
pick up till 'round 'bout 839 when this wicked rich Byzantine
Empehrah guy Theophilis, he meets some'ah these Swedes n' he tells
'em, "Yah know what, yah guys ain't so bad aftah all. I mean all
I evah hear 'bout is that all yah evah do is rape n' pillage n'
cause all sohrts'ah trouble, but yah guys ain't bothahin' me any
n' I like all the fine fuckin' fuhrs n' shit yah brought with
yah, so come on back whenevah yah want n' if yah evah find yahselves
lookin' fah a job, I'd pay good money tah have some tough scrappahs
like yah servin' in my own ahmed fohces."
N' so next thing yah know wohrd'ah this deal gets out n' so now
the Swedes ahr stahtin' tah hit the watah like their lives fuckin'
depend on it n' the Volkhov Rivah ends up lookin' like the
fuckin' Chahles durin' the goddamned Regatta. So now there's all
these local Slavic spectatuhs linin' the esplanade scratchin' their
heads thinkin' tah 'emselves, "What the fuck's goin' on here?
Where the fuck'd all these fuckin' row boats fuckin' come from
n' who the fuck ahr all these fuckin' fahreignahs who ahr fuckin'
rowin' 'em?"
N' so one day in, I duhnno it was fuckin' like 862 ah somethin',
the Swedes, they're rowin' past n' they see all these local guys
standin' 'round confused as shit n' so one'ah 'em, this guy
Rurik who was a real hahdheaded enfohrcer'ah Swedish authahrity, he
gets inspi'ed as his boat's passin' undah the Smoot Bridge n'
so he takes his guys n' they disembahk along the sho'ahline n'
they prahceed tah use their superiuh militahry powah tah staht hazin'
'em. N' so once Rurik n' his boys know they got these local guys
by the fuckin' balls, he goes up tah 'em n' he says, "Alright
now, listen up yah fuckin' losahs. Yah wannah be apaht'ah this here
house, yah gonnah have tah do whatevah we fuckin' say n' first
thing we fuckin' say is yah gonnah have tah build the actual
fuckin' house fah us. Yah can staht right here, right now n' why
don't yah make it a-brand-fuckin'-spankin' new fohrtress
instead'ah just some regulah wooden colonial style house n' while
we're at it, bein' as that yah all ahr bunchah Slavs, me n' my
brothahs ahr gonnah make up an entiyahly new name fah all'ah yah—we're gonnah staht callin' yah slaves from here on fuckin' out.
That's 'cause yah belong tah us now n' we're gonnah totally
fuckin' lohrd ovah yah asses like we're the goddamned brothahs
Bulgah."
N' so these poohr local bastahds, they like this hahsh hazin' shit
'bout as much as a goddamned Yankee homah hit ovah the monstah but
they don't wannah get tohrn apaht by these uppah classmen guys so
they pledge tah build this whitey son'bitch some bizahrre shell
shaped fohrtress anyway n' so as they're goin' 'bout it
they're talkin' among 'emselves n' they're makin' fun'ah
him n' all his pale buddies from up nohrth n' so they staht
callin' 'em Rus 'cause tah 'em-n' also tah the Finns too
fah that mattah—that's a wohrd that refehrs tah people who
fuckin' sun buhrn easy n' have red ah blond haihr ah whatevah.
So things progress like this fah awhile n' the Rus ah Swedes ah
Nohrse ah whatevah the fuck yah wannah call 'em ahr hazin'ah
bunchah new Slavic guys every year but they're also throwin' some
great pahties in the basement'ah that shell shaped fohrtress'ah
theirs n' everyone's gettin' really fuckin' good at pingpong
n' shit n' so the years ahr passin' by till finally that old
prick Rurik finally fuckin' dies. Now, shohrtly thereaftah this othah
Rus ah Swedish ah whatevah guy Oleg, he gets voted tah be Rurik's
successah n' so he takes chahge'ah the house n' he thinks it'd
be a killah idea tah take some kegs n' sail on fuhrthah south down
the rivah.
So in 882 that's exactly what he fuckin' does n' he n' his
buddies end up finally runnin' outtah beer in Kiev'ah all places,
so they go asho'ah n' crash some pahty goin' on there n'
fohrcefully take ovah the house where it's goin' on at. Next thing
yah know, Oleg prahceeds tah set up a bonafide royal fuckin' dynasty
right there in Kiev n' all his brothahs n' sistahs ovah there end
up becomin' the first fratehrnal ordah tah rule ovah a huge fuckin'
territahry that eventually includes Ukraine, Russia, n' even
fuckin' Belarus. N' ovah time Oleg's family n' all the othah
Swedish ex-pats who pledged 'emselves tah his house end up becomin'
Slavicized 'emselves n' losin' their ties tah Sweden n' all,
but not till aftah the biggest country on the entiyah goddamned planet
gets itself named aftah 'em first.
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