O P E N L E T T E R S
T O P E O P L E O R E N T I T I E S
W H O A R E U N L I K E L Y
T O R E S P O N D .
- - - -
[Send your open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.]
- - - -
AN OPEN LETTER
TO MY SISTER'S
PSYCHOTIC
DOGS.
October 2, 2006
Dear Psychotic Dogs,
I think you may have noticed my affection for other animals—including my own dog—and wrongly assumed that it extended to your snarling, demented selves. But you couldn't be more wrong; I utterly despise you both. Moreover, I'm astonished that you're too obtuse to sense the waves of hatred that radiate from my person like heat from a Ben Franklin stove whenever you have the temerity to poke your noses at my crotch or stand there barking witlessly at me for no earthly reason.
I thought dogs were supposed to be sensitive to human emotions, but I guess that's only normal dogs. Dogs afflicted with your particular brand of psychosis are stripped of empathy and possess only a predatory ability to sense fear or vulnerability, especially in
children.
Which brings me to why I feel that you two are the most despicable creatures a kind person was ever misguided enough to rescue from the pound. I first began to hate you with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns when I caught you stalking my 2-year-old child like a pair of ravening velociraptors. Since it happened five years ago, you probably
thought I'd forgotten it. But let me tell you something, Psychotic Dogs, I will never forget it. I was standing right there, for Christ's sake, talking to my sister and watching my sweet, innocent little girl toddle around the yard, bothering no one. And then I saw you two coming at her with murderous intent. Fortunately for you, I was able to interpose myself between you and my daughter before you could do anything more than scare her. For that reason and that reason alone, you are both still alive.
Psychotic fleabags, you have given me plenty of reason to go on despising you ever since. I hate the cowardly and hypocritical way you wag your tails at people when they're facing you, only to then take a nip at the cuffs of their pants the moment they turn their backs. You are sneaky and deceptive, which are bad enough qualities in any creature but seem even worse in dogs, which are generally noble, honest, and kind. You bring discredit to your entire species, Psychotic Dogs.
I also resent the fact that you've become a bone of contention (if you'll pardon the expression) between my sister and me. I am tired of her making excuses for your brainless thuggery. I've heard more times than I care to recall about your lurid puppyhoods before my sister rescued you, and you know what? It excuses absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned. Do you think my childhood was a bed of roses? I
assure you, Psychotic Dogs, it was not. And yet I manage to get through life without resorting to the vile behavior that is so regularly observed in you. I believe that we are responsible for the obnoxious behavior that survives our childhood, and that principle
definitely extends to the animal kingdom.
Hear this, Psychotic Dogs: If I ever catch you menacing my child again, I will pick up the nearest lawn chair and wrap it around your thick skulls. Then I will pull up two tomato stakes from the garden and drive them through your black hearts with a croquet mallet.
You need to remember that even though you undeservedly live a pampered and privileged life by taking cruel advantage of a kind soul (whom you repay by occasionally biting), you have no real legal status in this country. I could kill you with impunity. Sure, there are animal-cruelty laws, but, believe me, I could mount a justifiable-homicide
defense bolstered by legions of gardeners, pool men, neighbors, and assorted others unwittingly drawn into your malevolent web. I would not only be acquitted but would probably receive a civic award for dispatching you. So never cross me again, Psychotic Dogs. It may be the last thing you ever do.
Sincerely,
Sherry H. Ciurczak
Florida
- - - -
PREVIOUS OPEN LETTERS
An Open Letter to J.J. Abrams Re: Lack of Fat People in Star Trek
An Open Letter to Jonelle, Who Sent a Three-Song Radio Dedication to Her Boyfriend, Rob
An Open Letter to the Burglar of 244 Wicker Avenue
An Open Letter to Shirley MacLaine From a Former 11-Year-Old Who Was Sent to Her Apartment by George McGovern's Presidential Campaign in 1972
An Open Letter to My Across-the-Street Neighbor Who Always Does His Yard Work in His Scrubs
An Open Letter to American Express
An Open Letter to the Intestinal Parasites I Managed to Pick Up in West Africa This Summer
An Open Letter to Cambridge University Press, Regarding Odor
An Open Letter to Geraldo Rivera, Who Witnessed Me Getting Fired for Stealing a Cherry Danish Two Summers Ago
An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season
An Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble
An Open Letter to Anna Louise Jordan, Author of What Does an EMT Do?
An Open Letter to Norwegian Aid Minister Erik Solheim
An Open Letter to My Sister's Psychotic Dogs
An Open Letter to My Cats, Who Are Jealous of My New Baby Daughter and Are Acting Out Now That She Receives All the Attention
An Open Letter to My Lost Bikini Bra
An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook.com, From a New Yorker Magazine Fact Checker
An Open Letter to Wendy
An Open Letter to My 80-Year-Old Parents' New Buick Park Avenue Ultra
An Open Letter to James Randi Regarding His "One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge"
An Open Letter to the Birds Nesting in My Air Conditioner
An Open Letter to My Neighbor Who Frequently Sits Alone Inside His Truck
An Open Letter to the Amazon Parrot I Have Been Supporting for Over 15 Years Who Still Tries to Bite Me for No Apparent Reason
An Open Letter to My Neighbors a Few Buildings Away in My Apartment Complex
An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme
An Open Letter to an Ultimate-Fighting Referee
An Open Letter to the People Behind the "Now That's What I Call Music!" Series
An Open Letter to My Cat, Abbie
An Open Letter to Orcas
An Open Letter to Foie Gras
An Open Letter to the Man Wearing a T-Shirt That Says "It Isn't Going to Suck Itself"
An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game "Paperboy"
An Open Letter to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
An Open Letter to the Man Who Installed the Carpet in 1974 for the Previous Owners of the Home We Just Bought
An Open Letter to the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney
An Open Letter to My Husband's Pillow
An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof
An Open Letter to the Spider in the Upper Right-Hand Corner of the Skylight in My Flat
An Open Letter to the Cat, Who Pushes Glasses Off the Kitchen Counter While We're Trying to Sleep
An Open Letter to a Guy I Work With Who Always Comes Into My Office to Tell Me He Sent Me an E-mail Right After He Sends Me an E-mail
An Open Letter to My Doppelgänger
An Open Letter to the Leader of the Ant Nation Residing in My Bathroom
An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily
An Open Letter to My Sonicare Electric Toothbrush
An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends
An Open Letter to the Eight-Hour Workday
An Open Letter to the Manufacturers of Infant Sleepwear
An Open Letter to the Totally Impractical Size Chart for Women's Clothing
An Open Letter to the Couple Who Found My Panties in Their Yard Last Summer
An Open Letter to the State of New York
An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap
An Open Letter to the Dead Joints in My Feet
An Open Letter to the Exorbitant Sum of Money I Just Inherited From My Grandfather, Whom I Didn't Really Like
An Open Letter to the Fake Boobs My Husband Bought His Ex-Girlfriend
An Open Letter to Ryan Funk
An Open Letter to Global Warming
An Open Letter to Everyone Who, When Approaching the Door to the Office Suite Where I Am the Receptionist, Turns the Handle Down, Then Pushes the Door In, Thereby Causing a Loud Obnoxious Banging Sound, Looks Up at Me With Fear and Frustration in Their Eyes, Turns the Handle Up This Time, But Still Pushes the Door In, Causing That Same Obnoxious Banging Sound, Giving Me the Same Terrified Look, Then Rings the Doorbell, Which Is Even Louder and More Piercing, Then Stands There, Petrified, Angry at My Incompetence to Unlock the Door With the Remote-Control Device
Three Open Letters to the Telephone Joneses With Whom I Cannot Keep Up
An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him
An Open Letter to Lifetime Television for Women
An Open Letter to the Women and Gay Men Who Want to Read That Copy of Sex in the Window
An Open Letter to Whoever Broke Into My Car This Morning
An Open Letter to My Turtle
An Open Letter to Keith Richards' Immune System
An Open Letter to Omaha Steaks
An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self
An Open Letter to My Eyebrows
An Open Letter to the Gym Shorts That Are Not in My Gym Bag
An Open Letter to the Enormous Bruise on My Upper Right Arm, Kind of Near
the Bicep, That I Acquired Last Weekend While Playing Football
An Open Letter to My Inner Child
An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants
An Open Letter to the Rental Video Sitting on Top of My Television
An Open Letter to Herman Miller
An Open Letter to the Unemployment That Awaits Me
An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What's New in My Reproductive Area
An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations
An Open Letter to Nepotism
An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets
An Open Letter to My Dissertation on the Correlation Between History and Identity Formation in Colonial Massachusetts and Pennsylvania
An Open Letter to Women Who Won't Sit Down
An Open Letter to the Elephant in the Ikea-Furnished Room
An Open Letter to Chris Robinson, Lead Singer of the Black Crowes
An Open Letter to the Look on Our Leadership Consultant's Face
An Open Letter to Hummingbirds
An Open Letter to the Current Boyfriend of the Girl I'm in Love With
An Open Letter to My Boss, Who Was Recently Fired
An Open Letter to My Sony Vaio
An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me
An Open Letter to My Three-Year-Old Daughter, Sylvie
An Open Letter to My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life
An Open Letter to My First Five Girlfriends
An Open Letter to Saran Wrap
An Open Letter to Poached Eggs
An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Long-Term Substitute Science Teacher
An Open Letter to My Computer's Insert Key
An Open Letter to My New and Old Furnaces
An Open Letter to a Playboy Poster
An Open Letter to Graydon Carter, Editor of Vanity Fair Magazine
An Open Letter to the Twenty-Year-Old USC Intern That I Slept With
An Open Letter to My Male Gynecologist
Open Letter to People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me
An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and President Bush's Other Neoconservative Puppetmasters
An Open Letter to the Hollywood Movie Machine
An Open Letter to That Mother on the Sidelines of My Daughter's Soccer Game
An Open Letter to My Attractive Coworker at the Pool
An Open Letter to Sergeant Smith
An Open Letter to My Summer Interns
An Open Letter to My Personal Trainer
An Open Letter to the Strange Red Bugs with Many Legs Living in My Basement, Which Is Where My Roommates and I Sleep
An Open Letter to the Makers of Glaceau's Vitamin Water
An Open Letter to the Many Leafhoppers Destroyed in My Phylogenetic Research
An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Yearbook Photograph
An Open Letter to the Customers at the Tattoo Shop Where I Work
An Open Letter to Baseball's Bill Madlock
An Open Letter to Penguins
An Open Letter to Robert Mugabe
An Open Letter from Milton Bradley to Milton Bradley
An Open Letter to Vice President Dick Cheney's Underbite
An Open Letter to To the People at Mott's
An Open Letter to Two Young Women at the Clothing Store in the Mall
An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer's Eyes
An Open Letter to the Young Woman on the Subway Who Screamed at Me September 21, 2003, at approximately 11:30 p.m.
An Open Letter to Paul Bremer
An Open Letter to the Nobel Committee for Literature on Behalf of Dr. Raymond Damadian
An Open Letter to My Superintendent, Hugo
An Open Letter to DirecTV
An Open Letter to People Who "Tut" on the Tube
An Open Letter to Young Women Who Work in Chain Bookstores
An Open Letter to Yuppie Mummies (or Yummies)
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Scored Only 12 "Fast Money" Points on Family Feud in the Mid-Seventies
An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong
An Open Letter to Alcohol
An Open Letter to Centripetal Force
An Open Letter to the Makers of "Valtrex" (Glaxosmithkline)
An Open Letter to Little Children Who Play in the Alley and Like to Throw Stuff At My Car
An Open Letter to Louis XIV
An Open Letter to Apartment W5
An Open Letter to the Man Who Tattooed Me
An Open Letter to My Dot Matrix Printer
An Open Letter to Umlaut
An Open Letter to Toshihiro Nishikado, Designer/Programmer of Space Invaders
An Open Letter to Chicago Public Library Desk Vandals
An Open Letter to Illusionist David Blaine, Currently Spending Forty-Four Days in a Perspex Box in London
An Open Letter to My Hairline
An Open Letter to Saint Nicholas
An Open Letter to Mr. Tastee
An Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo
An Open Letter to Claire Forlani
An Open Letter to the Song Artist Barry Mann
An Open Letter to Parkay
An Open Letter to My Spanish Host Family
An Open Letter to Asthma
An Open Letter to the Listerine Girl
An Open Letter to Google
An Open Letter to Melanie Murray, Romance Novel Manuscript Reader
An Open Letter to Miramax Home Video
An Open Letter to Ann Coulter
An Open Letter to the New York Times Style Section Photo Retoucher
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.