The deadline for the 2008 Amanda Davis Highwire Fiction Award, a $2,500 grant given to a woman writer of 32 years or younger, is this Thursday, May 15. For more information, click here. - - - -

O P E N   L E T T E R S T O   P E O P L E   O R   E N T I T I E S W H O   A R E   U N L I K E L Y T O   R E S P O N D . - - - - [Send your open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.] - - - - AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "IT ISN'T GOING TO SUCK ITSELF." March 7, 2006 Dear Sir, My guess is that the message on your T-shirt functions in several ways. First, as a bold and plain statement that you are confident about your desires, confident enough to have them spelled right out across your chest (nice chest, by the way). Second, it implies that you are a man of action, perhaps a little impatient, but a man able to state exactly what he wants. I think that's a great quality. Very admirable. No dilly-dallying with you. Third, it is possible that the T-shirt is a protest against the design of the human body, a comment about the limitations of our physical being. Did you know, for example, that if we had one set of ribs less we would all be able to bend over and do the job for ourselves? I like to be reminded of that, and I love the idea that if it were somehow useful for survival, and presupposing that Darwin got most of his shit right, we might someday evolve to where we all have penises that could actually suck themselves. Wow. On its own, your T-shirt hints at a fairly crappy sense of humor, unless, of course, you are wearing the message for a reason. You could be promoting health and safety in some way. Perhaps you are an aid worker from Borneo or Australia, where it would be important to know that a bite from a poisonous snake or insect isn't going to suck itself but is going to require immediate medical attention. In which case I'd have the information in at least one other language. It's also incomplete, and might inspire the wrong response. I think you will find that most doctors do not recommend that venom be sucked out of a bite but, rather, advise that a tourniquet be tightly tied above the bite or wound—in which case the text should read "It Isn't Going to Suck Itself and Neither Should You!" I would also suggest a diagram of a little snake or something, just to make it perfectly clear. Alternatively, it is possible that you are a sex therapist who works with people who are so anatomically naive and sexually inexperienced that they don't actually know that a penis can't suck itself. Hell, for the longest time I believed that women shat out babies, that babies came out of their asses! I really did! However, as an adult, I take it for granted that my sexual partners will have a better understanding of these kinds of things, but it's good to be reminded that we shouldn't always make such assumptions. In which case printing it on a T-shirt is a very, very good idea, and saves on unnecessary explanations and conversation—provided our prospective sexual partners can read. To close, a small complaint. After you got off the Metro, the other passengers had to sit between stations listening to a small child ask his father, "What can't suck itself, Dad? Dad? What can't suck?" Sincerely, Richard House - - - - PREVIOUS OPEN LETTERS An Open Letter to the Burglar of 244 Wicker Avenue An Open Letter to Shirley MacLaine From a Former 11-Year-Old Who Was Sent to Her Apartment by George McGovern's Presidential Campaign in 1972 An Open Letter to My Across-the-Street Neighbor Who Always Does His Yard Work in His Scrubs An Open Letter to American Express An Open Letter to the Intestinal Parasites I Managed to Pick Up in West Africa This Summer An Open Letter to Cambridge University Press, Regarding Odor An Open Letter to Geraldo Rivera, Who Witnessed Me Getting Fired for Stealing a Cherry Danish Two Summers Ago An Open Letter to My Local Newspaper With Advice for When It Runs Its Next Two-Page Photo Spread on the Beautiful Colors of the Season An Open Letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble An Open Letter to Anna Louise Jordan, Author of What Does an EMT Do? An Open Letter to Norwegian Aid Minister Erik Solheim An Open Letter to My Sister's Psychotic Dogs An Open Letter to My Cats, Who Are Jealous of My New Baby Daughter and Are Acting Out Now That She Receives All the Attention An Open Letter to My Lost Bikini Bra An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg, Founder and CEO of Facebook.com, From a New Yorker Magazine Fact Checker An Open Letter to Wendy An Open Letter to My 80-Year-Old Parents' New Buick Park Avenue Ultra An Open Letter to James Randi Regarding His "One Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge" An Open Letter to the Birds Nesting in My Air Conditioner An Open Letter to My Neighbor Who Frequently Sits Alone Inside His Truck An Open Letter to the Amazon Parrot I Have Been Supporting for Over 15 Years Who Still Tries to Bite Me for No Apparent Reason An Open Letter to My Neighbors a Few Buildings Away in My Apartment Complex An Open (Love) Letter to Taco Bell's Crunchwrap Supreme An Open Letter to an Ultimate-Fighting Referee An Open Letter to the People Behind the "Now That's What I Call Music!" Series An Open Letter to My Cat, Abbie An Open Letter to Orcas An Open Letter to Foie Gras An Open Letter to the Man Wearing a T-Shirt That Says "It Isn't Going to Suck Itself" An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game "Paperboy" An Open Letter to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer An Open Letter to the Man Who Installed the Carpet in 1974 for the Previous Owners of the Home We Just Bought An Open Letter to the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney An Open Letter to My Husband's Pillow An Open Letter to the Squirrel Trying to Chew Its Way Through My Roof An Open Letter to the Spider in the Upper Right-Hand Corner of the Skylight in My Flat An Open Letter to the Cat, Who Pushes Glasses Off the Kitchen Counter While We're Trying to Sleep An Open Letter to a Guy I Work With Who Always Comes Into My Office to Tell Me He Sent Me an E-mail Right After He Sends Me an E-mail An Open Letter to My Doppelgänger An Open Letter to the Leader of the Ant Nation Residing in My Bathroom An Open Letter to My Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily An Open Letter to My Sonicare Electric Toothbrush An Open Letter to the Human Resources Department of the Superfriends An Open Letter to the Eight-Hour Workday An Open Letter to the Manufacturers of Infant Sleepwear An Open Letter to the Totally Impractical Size Chart for Women's Clothing An Open Letter to the Couple Who Found My Panties in Their Yard Last Summer An Open Letter to the State of New York An Open Letter to Shrink-Wrap An Open Letter to the Dead Joints in My Feet An Open Letter to the Exorbitant Sum of Money I Just Inherited From My Grandfather, Whom I Didn't Really Like An Open Letter to the Fake Boobs My Husband Bought His Ex-Girlfriend An Open Letter to Ryan Funk An Open Letter to Global Warming An Open Letter to Everyone Who, When Approaching the Door to the Office Suite Where I Am the Receptionist, Turns the Handle Down, Then Pushes the Door In, Thereby Causing a Loud Obnoxious Banging Sound, Looks Up at Me With Fear and Frustration in Their Eyes, Turns the Handle Up This Time, But Still Pushes the Door In, Causing That Same Obnoxious Banging Sound, Giving Me the Same Terrified Look, Then Rings the Doorbell, Which Is Even Louder and More Piercing, Then Stands There, Petrified, Angry at My Incompetence to Unlock the Door With the Remote-Control Device Three Open Letters to the Telephone Joneses With Whom I Cannot Keep Up An Open Letter to the Gentleman at the Bar Who Asked If I Would Like a Piece of Him An Open Letter to Lifetime Television for Women An Open Letter to the Women and Gay Men Who Want to Read That Copy of Sex in the Window An Open Letter to Whoever Broke Into My Car This Morning An Open Letter to My Turtle An Open Letter to Keith Richards' Immune System An Open Letter to Omaha Steaks An Open Letter to My 22-Year-Old Self An Open Letter to My Eyebrows An Open Letter to the Gym Shorts That Are Not in My Gym Bag An Open Letter to the Enormous Bruise on My Upper Right Arm, Kind of Near the Bicep, That I Acquired Last Weekend While Playing Football An Open Letter to My Inner Child An Open Letter to Low-Cut Pants An Open Letter to the Rental Video Sitting on Top of My Television An Open Letter to Herman Miller An Open Letter to the Unemployment That Awaits Me An Open Letter to Officials of the United States Government Regarding What's New in My Reproductive Area An Open Letter to Cable News Organizations An Open Letter to Nepotism An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets An Open Letter to My Dissertation on the Correlation Between History and Identity Formation in Colonial Massachusetts and Pennsylvania An Open Letter to Women Who Won't Sit Down An Open Letter to the Elephant in the Ikea-Furnished Room An Open Letter to Chris Robinson, Lead Singer of the Black Crowes An Open Letter to the Look on Our Leadership Consultant's Face An Open Letter to Hummingbirds An Open Letter to the Current Boyfriend of the Girl I'm in Love With An Open Letter to My Boss, Who Was Recently Fired An Open Letter to My Sony Vaio An Open Letter to the Radioactive Spider That Never Bit Me An Open Letter to My Three-Year-Old Daughter, Sylvie An Open Letter to My Deep Fear That My Girlfriend Will Be Really Fat Later in Life An Open Letter to My First Five Girlfriends An Open Letter to Saran Wrap An Open Letter to Poached Eggs An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Long-Term Substitute Science Teacher An Open Letter to My Computer's Insert Key An Open Letter to My New and Old Furnaces An Open Letter to a Playboy Poster An Open Letter to Graydon Carter, Editor of Vanity Fair Magazine An Open Letter to the Twenty-Year-Old USC Intern That I Slept With An Open Letter to My Male Gynecologist Open Letter to People Who Stare at My Boyfriend Because He Is More Attractive Than Me An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and President Bush's Other Neoconservative Puppetmasters An Open Letter to the Hollywood Movie Machine An Open Letter to That Mother on the Sidelines of My Daughter's Soccer Game An Open Letter to My Attractive Coworker at the Pool An Open Letter to Sergeant Smith An Open Letter to My Summer Interns An Open Letter to My Personal Trainer An Open Letter to the Strange Red Bugs with Many Legs Living in My Basement, Which Is Where My Roommates and I Sleep An Open Letter to the Makers of Glaceau's Vitamin Water An Open Letter to the Many Leafhoppers Destroyed in My Phylogenetic Research An Open Letter to My Eighth-Grade Yearbook Photograph An Open Letter to the Customers at the Tattoo Shop Where I Work An Open Letter to Baseball's Bill Madlock An Open Letter to Penguins An Open Letter to Robert Mugabe An Open Letter from Milton Bradley to Milton Bradley An Open Letter to Vice President Dick Cheney's Underbite An Open Letter to To the People at Mott's An Open Letter to Two Young Women at the Clothing Store in the Mall An Open Letter to the Whites of Jim Lehrer's Eyes An Open Letter to the Young Woman on the Subway Who Screamed at Me September 21, 2003, at approximately 11:30 p.m. An Open Letter to Paul Bremer An Open Letter to the Nobel Committee for Literature on Behalf of Dr. Raymond Damadian An Open Letter to My Superintendent, Hugo An Open Letter to DirecTV An Open Letter to People Who "Tut" on the Tube An Open Letter to Young Women Who Work in Chain Bookstores An Open Letter to Yuppie Mummies (or Yummies) An Open Letter to the Guy Who Scored Only 12 "Fast Money" Points on Family Feud in the Mid-Seventies An Open Letter to Lance Armstrong An Open Letter to Alcohol An Open Letter to Centripetal Force An Open Letter to the Makers of "Valtrex" (Glaxosmithkline) An Open Letter to Little Children Who Play in the Alley and Like to Throw Stuff At My Car An Open Letter to Louis XIV An Open Letter to Apartment W5 An Open Letter to the Man Who Tattooed Me An Open Letter to My Dot Matrix Printer An Open Letter to Umlaut An Open Letter to Toshihiro Nishikado, Designer/Programmer of Space Invaders An Open Letter to Chicago Public Library Desk Vandals An Open Letter to Illusionist David Blaine, Currently Spending Forty-Four Days in a Perspex Box in London An Open Letter to My Hairline An Open Letter to Saint Nicholas An Open Letter to Mr. Tastee An Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo An Open Letter to Claire Forlani An Open Letter to the Song Artist Barry Mann An Open Letter to Parkay An Open Letter to My Spanish Host Family An Open Letter to Asthma An Open Letter to the Listerine Girl An Open Letter to Google An Open Letter to Melanie Murray, Romance Novel Manuscript Reader An Open Letter to Miramax Home Video An Open Letter to Ann Coulter An Open Letter to the New York Times Style Section Photo Retoucher

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