(REMEMBER SEASON TWO?) - - - - SUPER BOWL XXXVI Last Week: 1-1. Please make it stop. Good golly. Sorry for all the swearing and insanity the past few weeks. I do not understand how exactly the Patriots got to the Bowl, but I am rooting for scrubbed starting QB Drew Bledsoe to complete a few passes. The last time the Pats went to New Orleans for the big dance, things did not go well at all. Expect more of the same. Bill Cowher, you are on my list permanently now. In the coming weeks I'll write an NFL recap, but so far I've only noticed one trend: pain for me. Here goes nothing: New England vs. St. Louis — Prediction: St. Louis. - - - - CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS Last week: 1-3. To: William Cowher From: Jeff Johnson January 22, 2002 Dear Bill, Jesus God. What a terrible weekend. I fucking hate football. It is official. The UPSHOT: If you're SATAN, then Billick is DOUBLE-SATAN, so good work in canceling him out. He is Parcells Jr. I wouldn't be surprised if he takes his soap opera to another squad before too long. Anyway, I never thought I'd be paying you any compliments, but now all my teams are dead; both the Packers and the Bears dropped like hot puke on the side of a truck stop toilet. Normally I'm an NFC guy, but there's no way any decent human being can root for the Rams. Kurt Warner is the Jim Carrey/Jimmy Stewart of the NFL and he should be hawking Xtreme saltines or re-usable Kleenex. The rest of his club look and act like racquetball-playing pervs. The whole world knows that they would have been up shit creek in fifteen-degree weather. A road team can pull off no magic tricks in Green Bay at five o'clock in January. The Eagles ROTC-ish assistant coaches and that QB-injuring prick on defense have spoiled anything good that Donavan McNabb can pull off. I can't cheer for them. FYI: Eagles head honcho Andy Reid is possibly the only man in the United States who enjoys melted cheese more than me — he needs have a direct line to Jared from Subway. By summertime I'd like to see him waving a pair of pine green size 58 trousers around like a willpower flag. Doubtful. That leaves me with either picking you or the Patriots. Not difficult. Their fans are all middle managers who love money, Phish, Sam Adams beer, watching Thirtysomething on DVD and being white. They are uptight losers who are insanely jealous of their girlfriends and insist on wearing slippers and eating chicken soup even in July. When they want to get edgy, they rent a Robin Williams movie or listen to Staind. Do you understand me, Cowher? These fuckers invented brunch. Get it? They're entitled to a supreme ass-kicking, and while it doesn't make me jump for joy, your team must administer one to them. Get your shit together. It's the only thing that you and I will ever agree on. I've got one week of this crap left. Let's mend the fence. I'm done belittling you for the folly of my seven readers. Close the deal, you crazy bastard. Get yourself a ring. Your new pal, Jeff Johnson Patriots at Steelers — Prediction: Steelers. - - - - DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS Last Week: 3-1. January 16, 2002 Speech to all the fired NFL coaches: Gentlemen, What part of "I'll do everything in my power to make sure you get what's coming to you, you filthy sacks of shit," didn't you guys understand? I told you so. Just kidding, fellows. Except for you, Mora. You'd better lock jaw on some meds like an old hound dog on a soup bone. Seriously. Stay out of the business. You are filled with Sanka and grief. You have a foul temper and America has long tired of it. Change the haircut, too. You remind me of a '70s golf widow after a crock pot full of Anacin and vodka. The rest of you? The above joke was an icebreaker. Its tone implies the close familiarity we share and good-natured ribbing. Since, I don't collect a paycheck from an NFL team, I feel I can be brutally honest. I'm sure life is very strange now. If you feel like a failure, that's at least a step in the right direction. In 2001, you couldn't save the economy. You didn't protect us from any terrorist attacks. And your teams had horrible seasons. Seasons so horrible that when students of football history crack open the almanacs and record books, many will not find your dismal statistics because a young child extremely let down by how miserable your teams performed this past season ripped them out and cast them in a waste basket. If you think you were given a raw deal, well, explain that to the parents whose children are going to be on hard dope and probably go to prison or make porn because of how bad their favorite NFL team did in their formative years. You've shaped lives in a big, enormous way that is probably beyond the scope of your understanding. Let me be blunt: I'm sure that toddlers throughout the planet went without meals and/or medical attention because of what you did, and that is the least of it. Additionally, many people here now drink like it is Russia in 1982 and have gambling debts and cry themselves to sleep every night. People who wear your team here jerseys are accused of being homosexual whenever they don such apparel. Young men are trying to strangle their bosses and nearly everyone drives a tricked-out Fiero and gives each other the finger Italian-style, due to the decisions you made in the name of football. Wait. That's supposed to be in the speech I make to the Super Bowl champions. Now, let's focus on what good can come of this: None. Especially in Tampa Bay. Bill Parcells is coming back and he is like a scalding oyster in the undies of God. His style and brutish manners are a painful disappointment to anyone who cherishes a decent existence on this planet. Let me try to point you in the right direction if I may: George Seifert
Dennis Green
Marty Schottenheimer
Jim Mora
Tony Dungy
That one Guy who Coached the San Diego Chargers
Finally, now is the time to have a big surgery whether you need it or not. Get a doc to run something sharp around any problem joints or organs. It's winter, so you can just recoup on the sofa. That is it. Take care. Philadelphia at Chicago — Prediction: Chicago. - - - - WILD CARD WEEKEND Last Week: 10-4 (Spaced Minnesota vs. Baltimore). Ways to get frustration off your chest if your team is not in the playoffs. 1. 2. 3. Tampa Bay at Philadelphia — Prediction: Philadelphia. N.Y. Jets at Oakland — Prediction: Oakland. San Francisco at Green Bay — Prediction: Green Bay. Baltimore at Miami — Prediction: Miami. - - - - WEEK SEVENTEEN Last Week: 6-9. Profiles of the following games if they were people. Arizona at Washington — A parent of either gender who buys their kid a flashy toy and then withholds the batteries (and/or important medicine) until the kid vomits, gets ulcers and turns to arson as a way of getting attention. Also prone to making eye contact with their genitals as a signal to their lover (usually working on commission) when they are ready to get it on. Prediction: Washington. Cincinnati at Tennessee — An adult male into pyramid schemes and making tampon jokes well into his 40s. He also cheats at golf even when he is alone and writes fraudulent checks to his parents. Prediction: Tennessee. Cleveland at Pittsburgh — A really tough adolescent who gets out of high school by the seat of his pants, gets a hard job that pays well but ultimately leads to frustration, and finally goes missing while on a hunting trip. He dies with most of his money tied up in frivolous lawsuits about the fine print on coupons. Prediction: Pittsburgh. Dallas at Detroit — A twenty-four-year-old cousin from Portland, Maine who keeps insisting she left something in the sauna even though there is no sauna within a thirty-four-mile radius. Most of her relatives have glaucoma as well. Prediction: Detroit. Denver at Indianapolis — Another male, into rare computer programming languages and role-playing games who drives a pick-up truck, yet never hauls anything. Gets into loud fights at the library, too. Usually feels snubbed. I could go on for days about their consumption of light beer, as well. Jesus, what a closet case. Prediction: Indianapolis. Green Bay at N.Y. Giants — Someone who knows that you don't know shit about their problems and reminds you at least a dozen times a day about it. Always starts sentences with a sarcastic and disheartened, "Wish I could ______." Prediction: Green Bay. Jacksonville at Chicago — A slightly overweight hooker into prescription drugs who makes you feel like a million dollars, but is understandably upset that you never say thanks. Prediction: Chicago. New England at Carolina — A really great cook. They really want you to know that they cooked all of this stuff from scratch, even though it is not their specialty, and that they're related to John Quincy Adams. When they got back from France, they audited a couple of classes at Princeton, designed some new lifts at Steamboat, wrote a couple of short plays, but now they're on the fast track. They always have a cool watch on that they totally restored on their own with these tiny little tools. They never watch television and do not know who Jay-Z is. Prediction: New England. San Francisco at New Orleans — See above. Prediction: New Orleans needs to save face. They screwed up royally in the second half of the season. Atlanta at St. Louis — A guy who sews weird flags onto all of his clothes and predicted that Metallica was gonna play with the symphony a couple years back. He totally saw it coming, man, the writing was on the fuckin' wall, bro. He always talks to you about Gina, who, if she wasn't their cousin, damn, you do not want to know. Now, go back and read that last half of that sentence again, but pause for three seconds in between each word. That's him. Prediction: St. Louis. Buffalo at Miami — A guy who won't let his kid sleep over at anyone's house. He just doesn't think it's a good idea right now. The kid can check with mom, but if it were up to him, no dice. By the way, where are the tweezers? Prediction: Miami. Kansas City at Seattle — A city councilwoman overly concerned with water quality. Prediction: Seattle. N.Y. Jets at Oakland — A guy who wants you to look at his cycle. Don't touch, asshole, just look, okay? Prediction: Oakland. Philadelphia at Tampa Bay — A newscaster who just thought he'd send your mom a videotape of what he's been up to lately. Hey, the address was in the damn phone book. Not every package in Florida has anthrax in it. Wink, nudge, wink. Don't get so touchy. I didn't mean to cuss. Anyway, what did she think of my bridgework? Cost 3,500 bucks. Say, when's the last time we just sat down and had a heart-to-heart. Yes, I know you're married. But who was there when you had your surgery? Who wrote all those songs on his acoustic for ya? Why don't we — say, do you have a computer? Why don't we just start out IM-ing? I'm pretty busy with the 10 p.m. show, but let's repair to a chat room? Tell you what, it will be called Gary's BigDelightXXX. I'm gonna see if I can massage some love out of my keyboard. I didn't mean to sell your car that summer, but you were up in Milwaukee so long, baby, and I needed school money. Prediction: Tampa Bay. Then they meet again in the playoffs. Whoa. - - - - WEEK SIXTEEN Last Week: 11-4. This will be brief because I'm stuck monitoring the Khristmas Kage in my hometown in Wisconsin. It's a 19' x 25' chain-link fence cage attached to the local bowling alley/tae kwon do school that over 1,200 area toddlers pile into on December 23rd. For fifteen days they wrestle, bite, and kick for a mere fourteen presents donated by local merchants and Jaycees. Save for a real-time Internet broadcast, there is barely any supervision. Actually, I'm not really monitoring it either; I'm just taking bets. I've got most of my loot on a 290-pound Irish kid who has been in the second grade since David Lee Roth was in Van Halen. Happy New Year. Baltimore at Tampa Bay — Prediction: Tampa Bay. - - - - WEEK FIFTEEN Last week: 11-4. This is my massive X-mas edition and, it resembles a variety show, so scroll to the bottom if you can't deal. It's the week before Christmas and once again, it would be a pity to do anything on the NFL, except predict the winners. Instead I'd rather focus on Kumar Pallana. He's the 82 year-old Indian sideman in all the Wes Anderson movies. You can see him now as Pagoda in The Royal Tenenbaums. A few years ago, Anderson met him in Dallas at a Coffee Shop that Pallana owned, and subsequently cast him in all three of his movies. Pallana has traveled the world as an entertainer, but he's probably most commonly remembered as Mr. Littlejeans in 1999's Rushmore. I liked him best as the bumbling burglar in Bottle Rocket who hid in a walk-in freezer because he got scared. This interview is way better than reading about the Seahawks, except sometimes Kumar has a way of not answering the questions. In any case, he's a really great entertainer and very cool for doing this. Kumar: Hello. Good morning, man. Me: Nice to talk to you. Kumar: Nice to talk to you, too. Me: Are you in Oakland now? Kumar: Yeah, I'm in Oakland, yeah. I bought a house. Me and my daughter and my son. Three of us live together. My son worked also in all this movie (Wes Anderson films). Little parts. Dipak Pallana. He did Bottle Rocket and he did also Rushmore, the opening, he was a teacher there. And this movie (The Royal Tenenbaums) he's a doctor, checking Gene Hackman in the hospital. How do you like the movie? Me: I love the movie. Kumar: Oh, I'm glad to hear it. Me: I've loved you since Bottle Rocket. I think you're a great actor. Kumar: Yeah, well a lot of times you don't get the opportunity to find a good agent or a little clique. Any business you need a clique or something, you know. So, I did not get that. But Wes is so nice to me. Me: Did you act before you met Wes? Kumar: Yeah, I've been doing stage work for many years. I worked in the nightclubs and theaters. I worked in Las Vegas also I worked in the Paris, 'cause you know, the Paris. And I worked in a lot of places as a juggler. I was balancing, I do a little, you know in the show business when they had the vaudeville times? I did a lot of vaudeville time also in the 1950s, I'm talking about, you know. In the United States. When TV started in '47, in New York, I was doing a lot of shows in 1947 and 48. And the war just finished till 1946. Me: And you Kumar: And then, I was just start getting more jobs in the clubs. In those days many of the actors, Sammy Davis Jr., Harry Belafonte, they were just like you and me. They were just coming up. Me: Were you born in the United States or in India? Kumar: I was born in India. In the center province, and then I studied a little bit in Bombay and Calcutta. And the same thing — you don't get anything unless you know the right people. Me: When did you go to Dallas? Kumar: Before I went to Dallas, I was in Las Vegas and Paris and France and Germany, and I met in Africa an Indian girl. I married her and then we came to...after my marriage, I was doing work in Paris and France and Germany and England a little bit. Madrid. Barcelona. And then I did camp shows (military) in Germany and then when I get to have papers, then we came (to U.S.) in '64. She get the paper, I get my American passport in 1959. When we came in '64, I was doing shows in New York, and then we came to Los Angeles, and my apartment in New York, it was very hard to find apartment in New York, I was on the east side, 97th street, near the Third Avenue. And somebody, while I was visiting in Los Angeles, somebody put a fire in the apartment. They burned it down. Me: Did you lose everything you owned? Kumar: Yeah. Everything I lost. In 1965. That thing changed my whole life. Then when I went there, the landlord tells me, "We have 40, 50 apartments, we don't insure anybody." And I was helping my family while I was doing the shows, you know, send some money to the home in Africa and India. I called my brother, he was doing the tire business. When I called him, they all have the idea that America, just because I am sending the money, in those days not too many Indian was here. They get the idea that I get on the tree, the dollar, and I can just pick it off and send it. They think that America is rich, so no problems for me. But I lost everything. And then he said, "Why don't go to the court and sue them and this one and that one?" And I was really annoyed. And then I said the heck with it. And I was lucky that I had American friends. They said, "Don't worry about it," and they tried to help me out. Me: Do you want to work on other people's movies besides Wes's or do you just want to work with him? Kumar: No, no, no, no. If I get the opportunity, I'm looking for an agent if I can find one. I don't have the agent. Me: Have people been interested in hiring you? Kumar: Well, people are talking. I only believe it when I get the part. Me: What about commercials? Kumar: I'm looking also for commercials, but I do not get a chance to meet the right person. Because there was not too much publicity about me, now, everybody calls and asking me, so maybe now my turn comes. Me: Are you doing a lot of interviews? Kumar: A lot of people calling me. I think that Indian paper from New York, they called me, and they want to write about me. All this time I was here and never did any Indian paper have mentions about me. They have some honky-tonky, or good actor or bad actor and they write about them, but suddenly they get the interest. I think they're going to write a good article. I was so pleased because finally they wake up. People need the people. I don't care whoever it is. Especially the artist or the guy who are good dancers, musicians. There are a lot of good boxers, lot of good sports — they don't get a chance. I was struggling so many times, I don't get nowhere. Me: Now you're making good money. Kumar: Yeah. I don't need the money now. [laughs] I make my share. My children are in good shape, they work in the computer business. Both of them. My son acts also. He is very sharp. He's very good. He also don't get a chance, otherwise. He's ten times better than me. He's very good. I don't push him. Me: You were an acrobat? Did you do any dangerous acts? Like tightrope or anything? Kumar: No, no, no. I never did the tightrope. I did the balancing act. My specialty was in the nightclubs and cabaret. The production numbers. I did the plates, [spinning] the comedy. People love the comedy. I was very happy, because you have to work hard. Whatever you do. It don't make no difference. Any business, if you work hard, you're going to get the good success. I was spinning ten to fifteen plates, and I make the comedy, rushing back and forth. I worked with Pinky Lee in Los Angeles. And the Super Circus in Chicago. And I was getting on everybody. Every show. The Bozo show. Me: Do you still spin plates now? Kumar: Yeah. I did when Wes Anderson finished this (The Royal Tenenbaums), I entertained them. I was a one-man show. When they have the party after the finish of the movie. They usually have, you know. And also they have the intervals, they have the half movie, and then when they finish it. That time I did my juggling act and I did my plate act, too. Me: What do you do with your free time now? Kumar: I practice because I know now that I'm going to get some good work. Me: Do you practice acting? Kumar: Well, acting for me is a very easy job. Believe me. Because I did a one-man show in Africa and during the war times I did USO camp shows. I did them in Africa and Europe. In Casablanca. Me: It sounds like you spent a lot of time in Africa? Kumar: No, no. Only when I was doing the shows. Africa is not like here, you know, where you do one or two shows then get the hell out of there, that's the way it is. I was very lucky in Africa, in the Indian community. Before they got independent. They have Indians in every city, 10 to 20,000. They don't have, in those days, any agent, or anything. If anybody comes from India, then they put the shows together. I was all around. I sing, I do my own little play, broken English, couple of jokes. Me: Did you get to meet a lot of people in Las Vegas when you were there? Like Sinatra or anybody? Kumar: Yeah, I meet Frank Sinatra, all of the people. I have a bunch of pictures. When you see the album, you will be surprised. I worked with a lot of people. Donald O'Connor was a very good friend of mine. I have many pictures of different people which I worked with. Before, I had fantastic albums of work in Africa and all those were burned up. Some people, when you talk, they can understand you, that you have the experience. And your experiences become the great knowledge and wisdom, so, in my work the people keep asking me to do the show. In Las Vegas, my plate act was so fantastic, I don't like to brag about it, but only the way I can say it. In London, I was in the Latin Quarter for six-month contract. Every day, the tourist come. I was making the fuss. I say, "I don't want to go. Why I have to go outside?" Paris was the greatest thing. I worked at Crazy Horse. Paris is really old, hundred-year old theaters. I worked there doing plates. I juggled and spin. I did the broken English and people loved it. Me: What is the broken English? Kumar: Well, like "Thank you, you all." I don't speak good English, I "excuse you." I had my punch line that people liked, "Sometime I does it. Sometimes, I doesn't does it." Those kind of lines. But if I tell you on the phone, you don't going to laugh. But when you have the crowd, and you do a good trick and if you miss it, that's the time you use it. I did the shows in so many place. I worked in a stadium in Istanbul. 30,000 people. 20,000 people every damn day. I was there nine months. Beirut, I'm talking about the '50s, my friend. Those days Beirut was like a small, little Paris. People used to go there. I worked in Johannesburg, Capetown, places they don't go to many artists. It's too far, and they have visa problems, they don't have the agent. But I was able to talk to the community and do the shows in the school and do a lot of charity shows. Half money I get, half money they get. Hustles and bustles. Me: Would you bring your own plates along? Or would they have them there for you? Kumar: No. no. I had the restaurant supplies. The heavy plate. Especially in Europe and USA or Canada if you drop it and it goes, a little piece? They can sue you, you know? I buy the special plate, when it drops you don't get the small, small piece. You get two or three pieces and you can pick it up and throw it. You learn lot of things, and not only just juggling the plate, but you learn the trick of the trade. And I used to practice, because when I come to America, many of those acts they just have the nice tuxedos and tell a couple jokes, and that's why the vaudeville died. They don't practice. They do the same damn jokes over and over. We are the foreigner and we have to survive. Because first we have the barrier of the language. Second, we don't know anybody. We don't have any sweetheart that can, you know. So we have to start from the bottom and it was very hard for every act. Not myself, I have many good acts. Me: How did you and Wes meet each other? Kumar: I had the restaurant (Cosmic Cup in Dallas), I had the yoga center. I was very successful in yoga-I was the head of it. Nowadays, yoga has become known. But when you're talking 1970's and '50s and '60s nobody knows. I was giving the demonstration in those days. I was not only just doing the acting or singing the classical raga, which very few people does it, now you can see a lot of people come from India and they play the good sitar and the good Indian instrument, and good classical music. There are so many nowadays. I practice every day, because I don't want to lose my touch. I sing Indian songs. In this country, so many jazz musicians, so many great people, who the hell I am that I can, you know? So, more attention to my plate and my, I go in the library and look up some jokes and I twist them out and I make my own way. The worst part for any human is if they don't have a good education. Now, here's something nice on Steelers Coach Bill Cowher from a loyal reader: "Bill Cowher is a frightening man with an even more frightening chin. During games his face seems to fold as though he were trying to pick something up off the ground using his forehead and chin as claws. It is a chin made out of steel, appropriate for the steel city. For years, longer than most would have expected, Cowher has been coaching under-financed and over-achieving teams. He continues to keep his teams competitive despite the large number of players that have left Pittsburgh for cities where the acid rain is only occasional. He may spit enough to irrigate all of Hines Field, but he must still be valued not only for his coaching ability, which is evident, but also for his unique character. He is the kind of coach you only see in fuzzy NFL Films clips and hear in Facenda's intonation. Cowher would probably be wearing an overcoat and fedora if the league would let him. The man's a throwback to the days of Woody Hayes when a coach could kick your ass for messing up. Those days weren't necessarily good, but they are old, and I'm all for history. Cowher is unique today, and anyone that is different deserves to be celebrated in a time when the biggest virtue is to believe what one is told." — Dan Steckenberg Miami at New England — Prediction: New England. Philadelphia at San Francisco — Prediction: Philadelphia. Tennessee at Oakland — Prediction: Oakland. Buffalo at Atlanta — Prediction: Atlanta. Chicago at Washington — Prediction: Chicago. Cincinnati at Baltimore — Prediction: Baltimore. Detroit at Pittsburgh — Prediction: Pittsburgh. Jacksonville at Minnesota — Prediction: Minnesota. New Orleans at Tampa Bay — Prediction: Tampa Bay. San Diego at Kansas City — Prediction: Kansas City. Seattle at NY Giants — Prediction: NY Giants. St. Louis at Carolina — Prediction: St. Louis. Dallas at Arizona — Prediction: Dallas. Cleveland at Green Bay — Prediction: Green Bay. NY Jets at Indianapolis — Prediction: NY Jets. - - - - WEEK FOURTEEN Last Week: 11-3 Strategies for Coaches and Teams Arizona at NY Giants — Arizona should try and call all of its time outs before the kickoff and then their QB Jake Plummer should take his helmet off, tackle a referee, steal his microphone, put on a cowboy hat and some Mylar chaps and try and make a speech at the fifty-yard-line about the World Trade Center, how he isn't sure if anyone in his family was ever, in fact, a plumber, and how he hasn't got any Christmas shopping done yet. But maybe they shouldn't even do anything that dramatic because the Giants will probably lose this game. Look for Giants' coach Jim Fassel to be wearing the white short-sleeve Orkin oxford by March. Prediction: Giants. Oakland at San Diego — San Diego should bring more people to their buzzard's nest of a stadium by choosing random fans to punt on Saturday. Like if you are sitting in GG Seat 203, come on down and get some cleats on. I figure they will punt at least thirty or forty times during this game, so it could be a good opportunity for their special teams coach to get a good look at some new legs. Prediction: Oakland. Cincinnati at NY Jets — The Jets are like a bad CBS prime time line-up. And Vinny Testaverde is definitely the Burt Reynolds of Evening Shade or Ted Danson of Becker — seasoned pros brought in to kick everything in the shorts and get some ratings. It works, temporarily, until everyone remembers, "Hey, whoa, hang on a friggin' second, that's Burt Reynolds. Jesus God, my life is in a shambles. My hobbies are a Marilu Henner fan page, this show and hoarding canned beans. I might as well move into my parents' attic and carry a dog-eared copy of Jude the Obscure around on the city bus." I never liked Reynolds in the first place. Except Sharkey's Machine, that was a nice movie. Prediction: NY Jets. Atlanta at Indianapolis — I have nothing to do with this. Except someone cool from Atlanta e-mailed me and said he watched the NFL and listened to Le Tigre at the same time. So, kudos to you, my amigo. Most of the fans at this contest will be able to catch passes from Colts' QB Peyton Manning if they stay in their seats. COLTS FACTOID: Manning has thrown 1,000 interceptions this season and we're only on Week 14. Prediction: Indianapolis. Denver at Kansas City — Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil may be fired after this year (actually, they'll probably keep him around for a few years 'cause his system is tricky for people to get. He's like the CIA — you'll get one big Super Bowl win out of him for every twelve difficult and costly seasons), so anyway he should do something really obnoxious and uncalled for like stripping naked, putting war paint and a feathered headdress on and coaching that way. If questioned he could say that he is really in touch with Missouri's native American population and that since it is Christmas he wanted to give back to the community. If that doesn't work, he should jump in a Reliant K car, scream, cry and drive through the front window of a nearby shopping center. If he is okay, he should get out of the vehicle, brush all the broken glass of his body and say "Let's see your Tums section, you filthy bedwetters." Prediction: Kansas City. Tampa Bay at Chicago — Before the game starts, Tampa Bay should run onto the field with shovels and dig a giant thirty-yard hole and then fill it up with water from a garden hose. Then they should put up a wooden sign that says "Hot Tub." If the Bears fall for it, the game will be won by the Buccaneers. The hole should also contain a couple of frogs and the outer edge should be lined with bright-colored drinks. Prediction: Chicago. Minnesota at Detroit — Detroit will finally win. New England at Buffalo — Buffalo will not. Jacksonville at Cleveland — An e-mail came from a Kansas City fan asking me if I liked to use Christian Okoye in the old Nintendo Tecmo Bowl football game. I did, but I loved to use Kevin Mack, the former Cleveland Browns running back. Who didn't? That is my question. I can remember the worrisome days of the Big War (that's the Persian Gulf escapade of a decade ago). I didn't serve in it, but I did watch a lot of CNN. I also ate those scorching purple Cheetos, drank Mickey's Big Mouths and played between sixteen and seventeen hours of Tecmo Bowl with my roommates every day. I was a college student then, and I finished up with a GPA of just under 1.5. When we'd play Tecmo Bowl I'd often choose the Browns, who had no other weapons except for Kevin Mack. His little digi-bit figure would bust through the defense like a science teacher's breath in an airless closet. The fact that my opponents often used narcotics didn't hurt my record one bit. Ahh, Kevvy Mack. Thank you very much. Prediction: Cleveland. Miami at San Francisco — If Miami is smart, they'll arrive in San Francisco early, call the 49ers up and say, "Hey, we're staying at the Marriott on Van Ness, and we brought you a bunch of seafood, let's have a big communal meal tonight for all of us millionaires." Then they should make sure the Niners eat a few bricks of Floridian tuna that were stored in the wheel-well of the plane they came in on. In a few hours, the paramedics should be summoned. The only way this won't work is if the Niners say, "Ah, we live by the ocean too, so we can have seafood all the time." If that happens, a representative from the Dolphins will say, "Oh, actually we meant to say we have a bunch of strippers, come on over." The strippers should not be stored in the wheel well because that's murder. Prediction: San Francisco. Dallas at Seattle — Yuk. The Seahawks are the Falcons of the West Coast. Prediction: Dallas. Philadelphia at Washington — Philadelphia can only win on the road. Prediction: Philadelphia. Green Bay at Tennessee — Prediction: Green Bay. Pittsburgh at Baltimore — I am openly accepting any essays people want to write in praise of Steelers' coach Bill Cowher or Ravens coach Brian Billick. I am very interested in hearing positive stuff about these guys, but you have to back it up with something that at least resembles having a point. You can't just write: "Fuck you. You never won nothing. And you could only hope to get punched in the face by me and my parents. We don't like you. You've never won a Super Bowl." I won't stand for that sort of crap, and besides, if you saw me in real life, you would flee after phoning the police and having plastic surgery so I could never find you. So anyway, maybe write about them going on a double date as teenagers. Or write me about whether or not you think that Raven Tony Siragusa plays with small boats in his tub, or buys a lot of fudge and hides it under the passenger seat in his car. To me, if this game had a name, it would be called the Jackass Bowl, since both coaches remind me of cruel phys ed teachers who could have been pro volleyball players except that they got their boss's daughter pregnant and ruined everything and now they are bitter and ride around town on three-speeds making citizen's arrests. Prediction: Steelers if Bettis plays, Ravens if he doesn't. St. Louis at New Orleans — Next week I will show you a few scenes of a play that I have written exclusively for Kurt Warner's wife. It is a love story. Prediction: New Orleans. - - - - WEEK THIRTEEN Last week: 9-5 (I neglected to pick Baltimore) There's nothing much to complain or even talk about this week NFL-wise; both the Bears and Packers won and face each other in a showdown on Sunday. That will be an early Christmas present for yours truly. The AFC, however, is like eating a jar of Motrin and watching your neighbor edge his sidewalk. I detest every team in it, so I shan't comment. My day job consists of listening to music, eating skewers, drinking free booze at CD release parties, and, occasionally, stripping. Since many people are a) making lists of their favorite records of 2001, or b) shopping for CDs for Xmas presents, let's focus our attention in that direction this week, as I list my favorites of the year and tip you off on some NFL winners. There will be nothing about Ryan Adams or The Strokes. Philadelphia Roots 1965-1973 by Various Artists (Soul Jazz Records): I discovered this over the summer, and it immediately transported me to a house party in Fat Albert's neighborhood. The music is filled with emotional horns, wobbly bass and is an overall kick in the trousers. There's nothing synthetic about it except for the spent latex condom that will magically appear on the floor near your stereo after playing this. San Diego at Philadelphia — Prediction: Philadelphia. NY Giants at Dallas — Prediction: NY Giants. Go Forth by Les Savy Fav (FrenchKiss): These are art rock/model dudes from RISD via Brooklyn who know exactly what New Wave was all about, without getting cheesy or donning piano ties. All their songs are brilliant, driving anthems, and this record is the greatest of their career. NY Jets at Pittsburgh — Prediction: Pittsburgh. The Golden Age by Bobby Conn (Thrill Jockey): If you only listen once, Bobby grates on you like a sawed-off little shit that you probably think took a punch or two to the face more than once in his life. This is not such a bad thing. But listen again, or see him live, 'cause he is one helluva showman — worlds better than any NFL stuff I have seen this year (with the exception of a few trick plays). He's like a mop-topped Michael J. Fox channeling Alice Cooper, Freddie Mercury, and Sammy Davis Jr. all at once. His songs are eight-minute epics (complete with piano, strings and crying guitars) that Axl Rose would kill to be writing. I wonder if he's heard Bobby's shit yet? I saw him at Brownie's in New York and his whole band wore gray leather pants and jackets, neatly intersected by a rainbow belt. They were an odd-looking bunch of mustachioed metal waste-oids and band-camp dropouts, but they daz |