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Dave Eggers' The Wild Things is available for preorder, in regular hardcover and
limited-edition fur-covered.
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COMPILED BY JEFF JOHNSON - - - - These picks are not intended for use by people who gamble, and will generally not contain rhymes, question marks or other tall punctuation. Residents of Fairbanks, Alaska, Hebardville, Georgia, and Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin may find the picks to be the exact opposite of what is stated in the text as it actually occurs on said web page/browsing device. Readers of predictions may be asked, at some point during the upcoming football season, to spend an afternoon with a marketing intern from a nearby state college, sampling various advancements in the field of snack foods, canned sodas, pudding, sherbet, ethnic sitcom pilots, hand-held paging and reference devices, and filling out surveys. - - - - WEEK SIX I probably got a little too big for my britches last week. I hit the skids, going 8-6. My record is 49-22-1. Road wins are the trend this week. Green Bay @ Denver -- Let's talk about Denver Pyle instead. It is a rare Dukes of Hazzard episode that lets you see Uncle Jesse driving the General Lee. But it has happened. Prediction: Green Bay. Miami @ New England -- You're gonna think this is a lie, but John Madden actually helped my boss get laid. The year was 1981. My boss was in his mischievous bachelor phase. He was on a train from New York City to rural Pennsylvania to see his girlfriend. He sat in the bar car, playing pinochle with Jeanne Dixon, a depressed sailor, and a fetching young lady whose mother was sound asleep in another car. He and the dame began playing footsie while the sailor fell asleep. Jeanne Dixon also passed out, but not before a tiresome argument involving former New York Met Rusty Staub, the Old Testament, and the origins of Thousand Island dressing. Soon John Madden waddled in for an apéritif. This was long before he traveled in the Outback Steakhouse bus. In those days, he always had a burnt orange towel around his neck, because he was a "wet drinker," he said. Everybody loved Madden, and my boss and the young lady said hello to him, and fibbed that they were newlyweds. Madden cheered and bought them a judgment-impairing number of drinks. They left Madden face down in a plate of garlic mashed potatoes, with three fingers of Cointreau, a handful of Sominex, and the residue of several spent bags of cashews nearby. Then they walked into the adjoining car and made love in a broom closet. Prediction: Miami. Cleveland @ Jacksonville -- Last week the kicker for the Browns picked up the ball during a field goal attempt and ran the ball in for a touchdown. Instead of spiking the ball, he pitched it up into the air and the holder came and booted it into the stands. This was the most innovative celebratory, ah, thing I've seen following a touchdown. Prediction: Jacksonville. Minnesota @ Detroit -- Another true story, part one: When I was a lad, there was no youth football league in my town. The logging industry was going so well that the entire community had to pitch in. They'd dress all the kids in differently-colored plaid shirt-jacs, and as teams we'd go down to the saw mill to rummage for the various severed digits and limbs of our relatives. Time was our true enemy, and as such, the contests were hurricanes of blood, saw dust, ice, towels, and tears. Prediction: Minnesota. Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati -- The other week during a VH1-and-coffee bender, my roommate commented that most of Neil Sedaka's songs weren't just pure sugary pop, they were also the sound of [editor has removed this. This is not a joke. The editor really has removed this part, which was puerile]. The same can be said for the 1999 Steelers. Prediction: Steelers. Oakland @ Buffalo -- Buffalo has the homeliest fans. The bass player from the Goo Goo Dolls is who I have in mind, but I'm sure it gets worse. Prediction: Buffalo. Philadelphia @ Chicago -- Pure filth. Prediction: Chicago. Tennessee @ New Orleans -- That logging story I was just jabbering about, part two: Anyway, I found the ring finger of the mayor's boy, Thor, a ne'er-do-well who had been expelled from an Appleton bible school for wearing musk on the Sabbath. He abstained from his father's line of work, because he didn't want the porcelain teeth replacements that were so popular at the time. We had to take Dallas Shuggarts' mule to the town doctor. Pepper was unequivocally the fastest mule in the county. Following a brazier meal (Thor only ate brazier) at the DQ, we learned that the doctor had gone off to Red Wing on a gambling junket. Prediction: Tennessee. Seattle @ San Diego -- I'm taking Seattle. Now let me get back to my goddamn story. The finger was lost forever, but Thor became my mentor, and I became a corn-fed Lothario. It was like A Bronx Tale, only different. I did whatever he said, and soon we were seducing the lunch ladies. They were an undersexed quartet of swarthy sopranos who doled out walleye lasagna and jello at a buffet near the sawmill. They usually wore lilac-colored sweat clothing, and complained a lot, but both of those things changed thanks to Thor. San Francisco @ Carolina -- San Francisco, feebly. Washington @ Arizona -- Washington is busy building a dynasty that no one cares about. Everybody knows it will collapse in a few weeks anyway. Prediction: Washington. Dallas @ NY Giants -- People in Philly chuckled when Cowboys' wide receiver Michael Irvin got a neck injury there last week. I'm shocked, but not disgusted. Prediction: NY Giants. Indianapolis @ NY Jets -- From my forthcoming novella, Cantos for Dominique Moceanu:: If you watched Irreconcilable Differences, you'd know how tough it must have been for Drew Barrymore to be a six year-old alcoholic and a good actress. You'd also know how tough it is to divorce your parents. Your dad is a crooked Eastern-Bloc bastard. During your financial woes, I dreamt that I took you under my wing. I worked in a tired mini-mall, peddling soft-boiled eggs to single moms and the jaded sales force of a Christmas tree farm. I thought you'd feel at home because there was a Russian deli next door, and all the women had maroon mullets and wooly mustaches. Their husbands were always tinkering with price tags, bartering for an extra jigger of Maneschiewitz. They noisily shuffled around the parking lot kicking imaginary pebbles and haggling over the size of each other's boogers. Prediction: Indianapolis. St. Louis @ Atlanta -- If you have made any money off of my NFL knowledge (Hello? I had a 23-5 hot streak going? Remember?) please send money or a pair of size 13 dress shoes. For information, click on the e-mail link above. It is the right thing to do. Prediction: St. Louis. - - - - WEEK FIVE I've been stomping the geek squad at the New York Daily News every week with my predictions. Maybe now they will heed my wishes and euthanize senile cartoonist Bill Gallo. Personal to Vic Ziegel: The facade is crumbling, Old-Timer. I'm gonna give YOU a haircut. Anyway, last week I went 12-2, bringing my tally to a Unitas-like 41-16-1. The picks will be short and sweet this week, save for a long-winded series on my favorite game of the year: Chicago vs. Minnesota. New England @ Kansas City -- I think there should be a movie that's called "Who's Kissing the Great Running Backs of the NFL?" And it would be about a kissing bandit who storms onto the field in a salmon-colored unitard, tackling guys like Thurmon Thomas and making out with them. In my mind, I see Richard Keel, Ted Danson, or Dom DeLuise in the starring role, but they're all dead. The kissing bandit would always say things like "That's rich," or "Oyster crackers!" And know what else happens? They find out that the daffy son of a bitch can throw a block! And the Chiefs sign him up, and everybody's happy. Prediction: Kansas City. Denver @ Oakland -- With Terrell Davis gone.. hell, their season was over anyway. Prediction: Oakland. Chicago @ Minnesota -- In Three Glorious Parts 1) My father, the man who advises wrong-number callers not to smoke in bed, and I found ourselves in Bloomington, Minnesota one Sunday at Metropolitan Stadium. The year was 1981. I was 11. Walter Payton was of course, a Bear. His brother Eddie was a kick returner for the Vikings. Neil Armstrong, I think, coached the Bears. He was not the astronaut. Not even close, probably. Afterwards, we hung around long enough to watch the Payton brothers put their visiting mother on a bus. Then I got their autographs. It was the greatest sports moment in my entire life. Then Dad and I walked across the frozen parking lot to the Thunderbird Motel, got polluted on Tom and Jerry's and beat the hell out of a traffic cop with the lid of a garbage can because he gave us the stink-eye. Tampa Bay @ Green Bay -- If you change the vowels to make it Tampa Boy vs. Green Boy, I'm certain you'll imagine a more interesting match-up. I see Tampa Boy as a street-wise Latin singing sensation in acid-washed knickers and a gaudy headband. Green Boy is of course, a mutant toddler from Sheboygan, electrocuted at the county fair in '32, with diapers made of spearmint chewing gum and special powers like month-long tantrums, and an inner knowledge of Aldo Leopold's real plans for Wisconsin. Sand County, my ass. Prediction: Favre, fueled by a pending pill-clouded divorce, leads the Packers to their biggest win of the season. Cincinnati @ Cleveland -- Prediction: Cleveland, painfully. San Francisco @ St. Louis -- Ever notice how Matt Millen comes off as the Hydrox to John Madden's Oreo? They're not part of the same broadcast team, but Millen bases his whole performance on crap Madden has been boring us with for years. He'll grab that little piece of video chalk, ignore the action on the field, circle some rube in the stands and say, "Now look at that guy. There's a guy who likes to put a stick of melted butter in his undies before coming out to the game!" Hydrox suck. Prediction: St. Louis. Chicago @ Minnesota -- In Three Glorious Parts 2) The last time my dad and I went to a Bears vs. Vikings game was at the Metrodome in Minneapolis a couple of years ago. They should call that place the Mausoleum. The minute anything goes wrong for the Vikings, 50,000 drunk Lutherans make a stoic retreat towards the exits. The game we saw went to overtime, and at the end of regulation pretty much everyone picked up their Prudential seat cushions and their Sharp's-filled Thermoses, and left. Some dandy in a canary yellow v-neck sweater and his docile, jowled bride were scurrying up the concrete aisle when my dad got a leg cramp and stuck his foot out. It sent the guy tumbling. His wife immediately tripped and landed on him. "What's the big idea, fella?" the guy asked, first checking to see if he hadn't chipped a tooth on the stairs. Before my dad could apologize, I leaned over and yelled, "Listen, you casserole-eating bastard, there's another quarter left. A free one. It's called overtime. The least you could do is cheer your goddamn team on." My beer spilled all over the wife's squirrel stole. "I'm getting a security guard," the man wailed, picking up his bawling wife. My dad pointed under his coat to a fake sidearm and said, "We don't speak English." The couple promptly left. Pittsburgh @ Buffalo -- Steelers' coach Bill Cowher is having a rough year. He has nobody at quarterback. He'll probably get fired. I think right now would be a good time to take all your savings out of the bank, and spend it following him around. He's not French, but it would be cool to show up wherever he goes, yelling "Hey Frenchy," at him. Then, when he was on the verge of going nuts you could frame him for a really bizarre crime and it would probably stick. Prediction: Buffalo. Atlanta @ New Orleans -- Prediction: New Orleans. San Diego @ Detroit -- Prediction: Detroit. NY Giants @ Arizona -- My friend is vacationing in Arizona this week. There's not a chance in hell she would go to this game. I'm so excited, however, that I will be soaking for three days in a tepid broth of used-Brad Daluiso jockstraps purchased on eBay. Prediction: Arizona. Miami @ Indianapolis -- The AFC East has been handed to Miami and they're screwing it up. Prediction: Indianapolis. Chicago @ Minnesota -- In Three Glorious Parts (prediction included in this segment) 3) Last year when the Bears traveled to Minneapolis they got massacred. Perhaps the most humiliating thing occurred near the end of the game. The Bears were on the verge of scoring a mercy touchdown when their quarterback, who now sells Amway, got sacked and Vikings' linebacker Dwayne Rudd took the ball and went ninety-odd yards for a defensive touchdown. Rudd got to the goal line, waited for a Bear to try and tackle him, jumped into the end zone and spiked the ball in the guy's face. That night the temperature dipped to minus sixty, and the talk radio stations were flooded with finger-wagging apologists. The next night I was out in Minnetonka stocking a cooler at a liquor store, sulking over warm gruel and mumbling about how much I hated Dwayne Rudd. I wept into my kerchief. Former Secretary of the Treasury Donald Regan came in for a Sprite, then the ghost of first Lord of the Admiralty Duff Cooper came in to square his tab. Not two minutes later Dwayne Rudd waltzed in wearing snazzy windpants. He was looking for a bottle of Alize. This was some kind of Michael Landon shit, but I didn't freak out. I simply scolded, "Jesus, what were you thinking last night, anyway?" He said he didn't know exactly, and then started laughing and admitted he was a poor winner. Regan chuckled and looped an index finger through Duff's worn britches and said, "It's wing night down the road." Then they all left. Prediction: Chicago, in a nail-biter. Baltimore @ Tennessee -- Don't care. Prediction: Tennessee. Jacksonville @ NY Jets -- One win doesn't make Bill Parcells any sexier. Prediction: Jacksonville. Dallas @ Philadelphia -- Old Salts (see previous weeks) is in the hospital with new cysts. Prediction: Dallas. - - - - WEEK FOUR I got my bookie off my back by going 11-3 last week. Not too shabby for a guy who still uses ketchup and only owns wooden shoes. My record stands at 29-14-1. This is my vituperative week, so feel the anger. New Orleans @ Chicago -- Fan Notes: Good news! Oscar Henning, 53, a big-time Bears fan from Elgin, IL, finally passed that eight-foot kielbasa he consumed at Luxembourg Fest over the 4th of July. He'll still work as an advocate for the colonically challenged, and he'll be guest-examined at the Maude Mundelin School of Nursing in early October. His twin sister, Robin, however, has had both the hiccups and colitis since the Jantzen/Staples Office Supply telethon in Aurora last spring when she ate a cubic furlong of baguettes and chili. But did she win that cubic zirconium brooch in the shape of a drumstick? Yes she did. Prediction: Bears. Nobody @ Green Bay -- Green Bay has the day off. It is important though, to note that Marco Zimmerman, 36, of Appleton, WI has sworn off everything but pajamas, Chex Mix and Viagra smoothies since Packers' QB Brett Favre refused his ten year-old daughter Claudette an autograph at training camp. His boss, Truman Thompson, of Fox Valley Tissue Inc. is nonplussed by the whole ordeal and will fire Zimmerman by October 15th if he doesn't, "...get down to brass tacks on the Neenah junior high paper towel account. He's got my balls in a sling. You tell that Chex mix-eating s.o.b. that other people have problems, too. Hear me? Guy with a wooden leg moves 24 pallets of snot rags a week, and Marco is watching Petticoat Junction." Buffalo @ Miami -- My naysaying about Doug Flutie has been wrong. I love you Doug, and I am quite sorry. Prediction: Miami. St. Louis @ Cincinnati -- We had a guy near our town who grew up and played for the Cincinnati Bengals in the Sam Wyche era. I can't mention him by name, because I'm certain that he could still kick the shit out of me. Anyway, he'd come back home and throw nickels and dimes at all the bartenders. His little gray-haired sidekick would break out his cell phone and gurgle into it and paw all the red-faced, dairy-fed women who were by this time of night polluted off of a glass and a half of Liebfraumilch. Every season the guy's ears would get more cauliflowered and his wife would get better looking. Then he retired. And moved. Prediction: St. Louis. Baltimore @ Atlanta -- Both of these teams repulse and confuse me. So, here's some info for you heavy metal webmasters out there: The domain name www.ironmaiden.com is not available, but www.ironmaiden.net is. Prediction: Baltimore. Philadelphia @ NY Giants -- Here's a movie you should see instead of this game: Its called Guinevere. Sarah Polley is a young debutante with no confidence who blows off Harvard Law School to hang out with aging, manipulative photographer Stephen Rea in San Francisco. (If there was ever a "Guided By Voices, the Movie," Rea could play Robert Pollard.) It starts out good, in part because Polley is such a goddamn charmer, but Rea's character is a pathetic stooge, and by the end of the movie my face hurt from wincing so much. Prediction: Giants get healthy. Oakland @ Seattle -- Prediction: Seattle, pathetically. Carolina @ Washington -- Redskins' back Stephen Davis has eight touchdowns already. Most of them have been scored at the Meadowlands though, so we'll have to see if he can do anything at home. Which is what his goddamn wife keeps asking him, too. Prediction: Washington. Tampa Bay @ Minnesota -- The upside: The Vikings have lost more games this season than they did last year. Prediction: Minnesota. New England @ Cleveland -- My question is this: How do the Detmer brothers keep getting NFL quarterbacking jobs? Is there some kind of hidden Mormon mafia undercurrent in the NFL? Anyway, speaking of Stephen Rea, he could play Pats' coach Pete Carroll, too. Prediction: New England. Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh -- Last week I had to go to this place called the Sporting Club on Hudson Street to watch the Packer-Viking game on satellite, because it was blacked out in town. Pittsburgh had just gotten slaughtered at home by the Seahawks, and some of their more, well, mentally ambiguous fans were still milling around for the late games. In particular there was a short, goofy bastard who kept sloshing his pint on everybody and making himself laugh by saying that the Steelers couldn't have scored, "if a rocket was shot up their ass." His buddy kept on nodding and mentioning how next weekend was his weekend with the kids but that he was gonna get a babysitter so that he could come back and chug some beers. Then they talked about how good sandwiches taste at bar-time. A half an hour about a sandwich for Christ's sake. Then this other guy kept on coughing and not covering his mouth. Another guy kept on trying to elbow me for space even though the floor was wide open. So I hope that Jacksonville kills the Steelers. And that is what I predict. Arizona @ Dallas -- Does Fox's NFL commentator Howie Long look smarter with the glasses on? Umm, no. Prediction: Dallas. NY Jets @ Denver -- Both of these teams should be ashamed of themselves. Prediction: Denver. Kansas City @ San Diego -- Here's how I will describe your family: Gregarious. Your mother the time she found me in the bathroom, the one near the foyer, with her purse, just laughed. I said I was looking for some cold medicine. Then she said that there was more soup if I wanted it. Your father is quick with a joke and always jogging. Trying to run the fidelity back into his marriage, I suppose. And your sister, it is always Christmas morning with her. Prediction: San Diego. Tennessee @ San Francisco -- Neil O'Donnell, my least favorite bearded second-string quarterback, shook the rust off and got his hobbled squad a "W" in the rain last week. Can it happen twice? No. Prediction: San Francisco. - - - - WEEK THREE Last week I went 9-6, bringing my record to 18-11-1. Washington @ NY Jets -- Fan Secrets Part 1. Sam Reed, 57, of Sunset Park in Brooklyn talks about the Jets with his friends and co-workers all week long, but he doesn't tell them about the night a few weeks ago that his wife spent at her mother's house upstate, and he pretended his pillow was Jets' wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson. Prediction: Washington. Atlanta @ St. Louis -- St. Louis coach Dick Vermeil should wear a hospital gown and nothing else on the sidelines. Prediction: St. Louis. Tennessee @ Jacksonville -- Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher reminds me of a pool salesman from Fridley, Minnesota: He's fortyish, always got the pleated Dockers on, has a slight paunch, and wears a mustache that he probably calls a "cookie-duster." I won't even start in on his junior mullet. Most pool salesmen from Fridley brave the winters tucked in split-level ranch homes, depressed and babbling incoherently under fake Christmas trees, chugging can after can of Olympia Light, immobilized until they finally grab a piece of mistletoe, affix it to their belt buckle and chase their step-daughters around the yard. I don't think Jeff Fisher has done any of that stuff. Yet. Prediction: Jacksonville. Minnesota @ Green Bay -- Good vs. Evil. Cloth vs. Disposable. Kramer vs. Kramer. Mandrake vs. The Snake. Lutherans vs. Episcopalians. Light vs. Lite. Go!Networks vs. consenting adults. The ditches of Hwy 29 will be filled with charcoal briquettes, deer blood and cheddar cheese this weekend. Prediction: Green Bay. Cleveland @ Baltimore -- This ought to be like French-kissing your cousin. Baltimore used to be the Browns, but now the Browns are back in Cleveland, with all their old records and uniforms. Speaking of uniforms, Baltimore's togs look like something a server might wear at Ye Olde $3.49 Brunch Castle. Prediction: Baltimore. Seattle @ Pittsburgh -- Fan Secrets Part 2. Dottie Saunders, 49, of Bellingham, Washington loves the Seahawks. One afternoon she was doing the laundry, and discovered her daughter's sports bra. Dottie thought it was something else though, and spent the afternoon nervously sulking. The family dog, Rags, a four year-old Lhasa Apso, got weirded out and went down in the basement where he fell asleep near the rec room fridge and had convulsing nightmares about the postman cupping his eyes and looking in the living room window. Prediction: Pittsburgh. NY Giants @ New England -- I know this game isn't at the Meadowlands, or even the Polo Grounds, but here's my Fred Exley moment: The last time my dad and I ventured to the Meadowlands was November of 1995. It was sunny, the Bears were playing the Giants, and we had no problem getting tickets. The temperature dropped to about 16 degrees by the end of the game however, and there was one bus every forty-five minutes going back to Manhattan. We froze with about 3,000 other drunken idiots, and when we finally got on a bus we had to stand near two guys who were at least ninety, one of whom had to urinate in a bad way. The bus driver got lost, and after about 25 minutes, the old guy was rocking in his seat, pulling at his genitals and crying. He said, "Jesus Christ, I can't take this anymore I gotta stand up or something." So he and I switched spots, and for a second I was glad to have a seat. Then he started doing all the same gestures, only this time his hand and his genitals were about four or five centimeters from my right ear. My dad was doubled over laughing. Prediction: New England. Denver @ Tampa Bay -- If anyone you know talks about their favorite team and insists on using the word "we," as in: "We should be able to win on Sunday," politely remind them that they personally aren't playing a fucking down, and never speak to them again. Prediction: Tampa Bay. Detroit @ Kansas City -- Fan Secrets Part 3. June Walker, 38, has drifted in and out of nervous hospitals for a better part of the 1990's. Last week she was arrested in Olathe, KS for breeding encephalitic mosquitoes and threatening to let them go at a Chiefs' practice. To make matters worse, her dad was once mayor of this depressing suburb. This Sunday, as part of a community service agreement, she will be playing "Dianne" in Domestic Disturbance Theater. DDT, as it is commonly called, starts at 1:45 p.m. in the basement of Our Redeemer Church, 14102 Steer Bib Road, Olathe. Prediction: Kansas City, the Bobby Ross War Machine takes one on the chin. Philadelphia @ Buffalo -- Part 2 of our play, refer to Week 2's Philadelphia game to catch up if you don't know what's going on. The couple is in their rec room, minutes before the kickoff. Old Salts: So, how's The Linoleum King of Bucks County doing? Madge: What the hell are you talking about? Old Salts: Oh, don't play dumb with me, I saw you gazing at that commercial. Madge: Are you still mad about that hospital thing? You know, he only sent over all them hams 'cause I was in the hospital. He's your friend. Old Salts: Yeah, but how come you got all the hams? Madge: I was in the goddam hospital. I threw my back out helping you out of those filthy coveralls. Sheesh. Prediction: Buffalo, with pizzazz. Cincinnati @ Carolina -- The corpse fell out of the wheel well and onto the tarmac. Prediction: Carolina. Indianapolis @ San Diego -- Anyway, in New Zealand, a football is known as a "bloated possum," and a quarterback is known as a "Whistling Jerry." You probably wouldn't want to use that same term in Nova Scotia, though. A "Whistling Jerry" there is an adult man who secretly audio tapes the goings-on in elementary school bathrooms for his own delight. Prediction: Indianapolis. Chicago @ Oakland -- Oakland, in a feeble fashion, prevails. San Francisco @ Arizona -- Bill Walsh wanted to draft Jake Plummer, now we'll get to see why. Prediction: Arizona. - - - - WEEK TWO Well, by my count I went 9-5-1 last week. I "won" nine games, got shafted on five of them and refused to predict one game. I will do this from time to time, because, having left my gout medication in the midwest, my joints swell and don't allow me to write at length about irrelevant contests. Anyway, here's WEEK 2: Cleveland @ Tennessee -- Since I can't pretend to care about this game, I will answer the most popular question I received electronically this week: Q: How's about Sebastian Cabot, the now-deceased portly star of "Family Affair". Wouldn't he have been a good player in the NFL? Why, he must have had at least one hundred pounds on the biggest players of that era. A: True. But it was one hundred pounds of blubber. And it was all quail eggs. He'd often have to be dragged from his trailer, beard runny with golden yolks, just to do a scene as Mr. French. And then he'd pout. So, I really don't believe he was motivated to play in the NFL. Sorry. Prediction: Tennessee.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore -- Another game to avoid. My dad refers to these contests as "lawn-rakers." So here's a depressing image that will be a lot shorter than the game: The Sports Desk of the Associated Press, Super Bowl Sunday 1996. Rockefeller Center. The Barry Switzer Era. Dallas vs. Pittsburgh. A fat man trundles in with a bag of Tootsie Pops and slams them into his cast iron desk. "My name is Bob, and this is the sucker drawer. Take a goddam sucker if you want, just don't hog 'em." Another fat guy is clacking away in a chat room, shirking his duties, mumbling every few minutes about Baked Ziti. And the way he says "Ziti": "Zeeetee, Zeetee, Zeetee." Pan left to the old school reporters, a man, mid-fifties, constipated since the energy crisis, his bowels paralyzed by a steady diet of Newport Lights and Chuckles, patiently listens to his invalid wife's demands as made through a telephone. His glasses gradually steam over. Prediction: Pittsburgh. Washington @ NY Giants -- Giants coach Jim Fassel reminds me of warm Riesling and boiled carrots. There's no excitement or starpower on his squad either, except for Amani Toomer and Tiki Barber. Having said that, the Giants will get their second win in two attempts on Sunday. NY Jets @ Buffalo -- Jets coach Bill Parcells watched his star quarterback blow his achilles out last Sunday, opening day, in the 2nd quarter. Throughout the preseason, Parcells tried in vain to toughen up his Jets, a squad that made it to the AFC Championship game last year, asking them to "Start Over" this season. Maybe that explains why he left Tom Tupa, a punter with the physique of a diabetic 1950's tailor in at replacement QB for a better part of the rest of the afternoon, but I can't be sure. Jets tickets should be a lot easier to come by for the rest of 1999, though. Prediction: Buffalo, softly. Arizona @ Miami -- Miami's defense is hot to trot. We all saw it on a drab Monday night telecast earlier in the week. What I really didn't enjoy hearing was that the Dolphins pie-faced coach Jimmy Johnson got married in his swimtrunks, with Bears ex-head coach Dave Wannstedt practically holding his hand the whole time. Eww. Prediction: Dolphins. Green Bay @ Detroit -- Packers' QB Brett Favre bawled during the post-game press conference last week, after his Packers rallied late to beat the Oakland Raiders. I'm not very bright, but I think if you're already crying after the first week that generally isn't a good sign. Prediction: Packers. Denver @ Kansas City -- There was a startling revelation recently that Broncos linebacker Bill Romanowski's wife was receiving steroids via the postal service and distributing them to her husband, who is Bill Romanowski. Bill Romanowski might get reprimanded by the NFL. We'll have to wait and see, because no one can guess the fate of Bill Romanowski. And that will be an ongoing theme, I think here: Bill Romanowski, on the run, and wrongly (perhaps) accused of munching steroids, from the hills of Colorado to the plains of several states bordering Great Lakes, Bill Romanowski will defend himself and hide from the police, the NFL, you, and several who would do him in, until he, Bill Romanowski, can take a minute to figure this thing out. Give Bill Romanowski a minute, if you please, to figure it all out. Please bear with Bill Romanowski. Prediction: Denver. Jacksonville @ Carolina -- Why I hate Jacksonville: 1) Matchbox 20. 2) Limp Bizkit. 3) An incident involving fetid taco meat, 1987. I won't bore you with the details. Prediction: Jacksonville. San Diego @ Cincinnati -- San Diego drafted a promising young fellow last year from Washington State named Ryan Leaf. He was to play the quarterback position for them. After several tantrums, and a torn shoulder, he won't. The Chargers have replaced him with two ex-Chicago Bears. For that alone they will lose on Sunday. Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia -- A short play. Takes place in Veterans Stadium parking lot. Pregame. Old Salts -- a gray-haired furnace jockey who should have retired years ago. He sort of looks like Sidney Lassick, the guy who played Charlie Cheswick in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". He chain smokes and loves the Eagles because he never had children. (Why? Not because he shoots blanks, but because he hasn't had sexual relations with his wife since she cheated on him while he was in the Korean War. A staunch Catholic, he won't divorce her.) Madge -- his long-suffering wife who made one Goddam mistake. Sheesh. Old Salts: Jesus, Dear, would you please put something on? Madge: It's seventy degrees, Salts. It's gonna be hot in there with all them people. Old Salts: Hot! That's a scream. Hot like the night you cuckolded me when I was half a planet away fighting for the U. S. of frigging A.? Hot like that? Madge (sighs): Let's just try and have fun. Old Salts: Get my pills out of the glovebox! Fun, huh? I dunno about that. Prediction: Tampa Bay. Indianapolis @ New England -- Indianapolis is improving as a team, but definitely not as a city. Prediction: New England. Oakland @ Minnesota -- Oakland goes down for the count in the NFC Central for the 2nd week in a row. Prediction: Vikings. New Orleans @ San Francisco -- My roommate grew up in the Bay Area, and he remarked about a month ago that 49ers coach Steve Mariucci never has his team ready to play for the first few weeks of the season. The 49ers were gull-washed 41 to 3 by Jacksonville last Sunday, so my roommate was right. This could be one of their worst seasons. They'll do okay against the Saints though, who are always just a hair away from total retardation. Seattle @ Chicago -- Gruesome. And Bears "W" number 2. Why aren't there more French people in the NFL? They're such good kickers. Especially in bed. Atlanta @ Dallas -- Falcons Safety Eugene Robinson and Dallas Receiver Michael Irvin will exchange hooker and cocaine stories across the line of scrimmage, and Cowboys QB Troy Aikman will wince because he's worried about his image. Nobody's liked him for three years anyway. Exchanging faxes with Sandra Bullock? Like fun he was. And Deion Sanders will wear his sweat clothing on the sidelines, but not participate. Prediction: Dallas. - - - - WEEK ONE Jacksonville @ San Francisco -- A good, safe, non-sexual crush for a lot of adult men to have is Jacksonville offensive lineman Tony Boselli. He's tough and he is cute. Prediction: Jacksonville. Cincinnati @ Tennessee -- Even though these two teams are geographically a bit closer, I don't see a rivalry heating up. Are there any Bengals fans left? Cincinnati has sucked at everything for years, including night clubs. Have you ever been to Sudsy Malone's? Doing laundry while the Melvins play? Not for me. Tennessee will win. Denver @ Miami -- In the old days when he coached the Raiders and they sucked, Mike Shanahan would drive to his mother's Emeryville apartment complex following a loss, and weep quietly into her ample Irish bosom. Now he's riding high with back-to-back Super Bowl victories, and he's got the fancy dental plate to prove it. Star QB John Elway retired, though, and it's only a matter of time before his talented team gets frustrated with their meager quarterback clientele -- namely Bubby Brister. I can think of no good reason that a 37-year-old American man should be called Bubby, unless of course he lost both legs under a freight train as a young man, and his neighbors were too afraid to change his nickname. Denver will win this game. New York Jets @ New England -- The Jets have an offensive lineman named Jumbo Elliott who likes to get drunk and urinate in the sinks of women's restrooms in select Long Island taverns in the summertime. Then he playfully punches women in the breasts as an encore. Then he never apologizes. Maybe he will channel this into his performance on Sunday, and his coach Bill Parcells will be happy again. In any case, if Elliott doesn't shape up, he'll one day be fishing his shaving kit out of a ratty Garfield sleeping bag on the outskirts of Talladega, begging an official of the Greyhound bus lines for a lift to Canton. Prediction: Jets. Minnesota @ Atlanta -- Minneapolis sportswriter Sid Hartman is delusional. He blurs the lines of journalistic ethics, calling people like George Steinbrenner close personal friends. The Vikings are much the same way. They made it to the NFC championship game last year, losing to this same Falcons team, but they did it with a rickety quarterback, and a flashy rookie receiver named Randy Moss. Like Hartman, they've feigned coolness, but never been laid. Prediction: Atlanta. Kansas City @ Chicago-- The Bears thought it would be a genius move to cut their old, reliable quarterback and replace him with one scrub and one rookie. They've made some spell-bindingly horrid maneuvers over the past decade, but this one ought to assure them of a dogfight with the Detroit Lions for worst NFC team of 1999. Their woes won't be too apparent Sunday though, when they face the Chiefs, who are paying 43-year-old spouse-abuser Warren Moon to propel them to mediocrity. What a sad franchise. If you're an over/under gambler, choose the under or hide your children. Prediction: Bears. New Orleans @ Carolina -- In La Crosse, Wisconsin, at the end of the Saints training camp, a traveling reporter from the New Orleans Times-Picayune lagged behind a day or two after camp broke. He filed his stories electronically, and checked into the Acorn Motel. He picked up a waitress from the Old Country Buffet, and they made love in the glow of a "One Day at a Time" rerun. After she left, her husband (ignoring the restraining order) jumped out from behind the bushes and filled the reporter's gas tank with salt. The reporter, waking up from a Flonase and potato vodka bender found a note under his door that said, "Saints by ten." Oakland @ Green Bay-- Green Bay, by several touchdowns. Arizona @ Philadelphia -- Oh, to be the low man on the totem pole at a giant insurance firm in Philly this weekend: "No, Ron. Please. Use the company box for the Eagles' opener. My wife's getting her eyes done. We can't go." "Are you sure Mr. Dithers? After all, it is the Eagles versus the Cardinals. Gosh!" "Ron. Please." "Wow! I never thought I'd get to see the Arizona Cardinals in person, Mr. Dithers. My wife has always said that she'd love to see Prague, the reemergence of the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips chain as a fast-food powerhouse, or, and this is the biggie Dithers, the Arizona Cardinals play a road game in Philadelphia." "Splendid, Ron. Please stay away from the wet bar." Prediction: Arizona. Baltimore @ St. Louis -- No one cares. Buffalo @ Indianapolis -- No one should care. But Doug Flutie (like the 9th QB in the NFL to have an autistic kid) has captured the hearts of every short, white dreamer in America. And short, white, dreaming America will have to go back to fixating on tiny NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon when the Colts beat the Bills on Sunday. Washington @ Dallas -- Dallas reminds everyone of Gary Cherone-era Van Halen. This season will be a double disc of unreleased B-sides and rarities. Dallas wins this one. And it sells like tuberculosis. Detroit @ Seattle -- Everybody gets paralyzed at the Silver Dome if they play long enough. Good thing this is at the Kingdome, where ceiling tiles only occasionally crush fans. If there was anything better to do in Detroit other than reading Motorbooty or talking about the MC5, maybe the city would care less about the Lions and their coach Bobby Ross,who walks through airports farting pork rinds, lugging a gunnysack full of plays that have been scripted on crumpled Waffle House napkins, and written in grease pencil. He'll be wearing a Wal-Mart apron by Halloween. Seattle by 20. New York Giants @ Tampa Bay -- Tampa's Warren Sapp is the coolest guy in the NFL: He's fat, he has braids, he smokes dope, and he likes to hurt people. Tampa Bay was supposed to be good last year but they stunk. With an easier schedule this season they might do a little barnstorming. The Giants looked okay in preseason, but they'll lose this one. Pittsburgh @ Cleveland - Steelers' coach Bill Cowher has a real anger management problem, and he's treading on thin ice in Pittsburgh.. Luckily he's taking his squad to Cleveland. The Steelers should win, and at the press conference he'll talk about how bittersweet the victory was -- popping the cherry of the new Browns, but someone had to do it, etc. I shan't watch.
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