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As the author of the definitive guide to running for the Oval Office, So You Want to Be President? (on sale now), I know at least as much about political campaigning as anyone else, which is to say, you should trust my opinion because it's mine. I have a few hard and fast rules about politics, the hardest and fastest of which is that, put simply, negative political advertising works. As anyone who has stood in front of a high-speed fan while someone dumped a bucket of manure into the blades can tell you, shit sticks.
In observing the 2008 campaign, I've noticed there's a certain staleness to the current crop of negative advertisements. Hillary Clinton recently recycled Walter Mondale's 1984 "Red Phone" ad in order to imply that Barack Obama's a heavy sleeper who might let a crisis call go to voicemail. So, as a public, nonpartisan service, I'll be creating a series of ready-to-produce scripts for negative political advertising that seek to freshen up the genre.
For illustration purposes, I'll be using a hypothetical opponent with a nondescript name, Herman Q. Asscrack. He's a United States senator.
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Foreign Film.
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INT. RESTAURANT—EVENING
(A MAN and a WOMAN eat in an obviously pretentious restaurant. Both are dressed completely in black, including berets. The MAN wears some kind of tights, like a chick. The WOMAN smokes a cigarette in a long holder. The MAN has a goatee. So does the WOMAN. Note: All dialogue is in French, without subtitles.)
MAN: (Wearily.) Fromage.
WOMAN: (Also wearily.) Voiture.
MAN: (Getting angry, but too weary to really show it.) Aisselle.
WOMAN: (Dismissively.) Fromage.
MAN: (Turning his back.) Grenouille.
(Conversation of MAN and WOMAN fades into the background as voice-over comes in.)
NARRATOR: (In voice-over.) Confused? Lost? Wanting to take a tire iron to these two? Don't they remind you a lot of Senator Asscrack—pretentious and sort of French? Do you really want a president who hates America? That doesn't make sense, and neither does voting for Herman Asscrack.
CANDIDATE: (In voice-over.) Mon nom est [votre nom ici], et j'ai approuvé ce message.
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John Warner's new book, So You Want to Be President?, is available in bookstores.
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