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As the author of the definitive guide to running for the Oval Office, So You Want to Be President? (on sale now), I know at least as much about political campaigning as anyone else, which is to say, you should trust my opinion because it's mine. I have a few hard and fast rules about politics, the hardest and fastest of which is that, put simply, negative political advertising works. As anyone who has stood in front of a high-speed fan while someone dumped a bucket of manure into the blades can tell you, shit sticks.
In observing the 2008 campaign, I've noticed there's a certain staleness to the current crop of negative advertisements. Hillary Clinton recently recycled Walter Mondale's 1984 "Red Phone" ad in order to imply that Barack Obama's a heavy sleeper who might let a crisis call go to voicemail. So, as a public, nonpartisan service, I'll be creating a series of ready-to-produce scripts for negative political advertising that seek to freshen up the genre.
For illustration purposes, I'll be using a hypothetical opponent with a nondescript name, Herman Q. Asscrack. He's a United States senator.
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Angel of No Mercy.
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INT. HOSPITAL ROOM—DAY
(PATIENT is in bed, mostly unconscious, hooked up to wires leading to monitors that beep and bleep. The bed is flanked by two FAMILY MEMBERS, who wring their hands worriedly. NURSES bustle in and out of the room, tending to the patient.)
NARRATOR: (In voice-over.) Did you know that health-care costs currently consume nearly 15 percent of the average household budget?
(A DOCTOR enters and unfurls a bill that extends all the way to the floor. The FAMILY MEMBERS dig into their pockets and turn them inside out to show that they're empty.)
NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) If he becomes president, Herman Q. Asscrack has a solution to this issue.
(Audio: Sinister-sounding music. A HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN enters the room, shooing the DOCTOR and FAMILY MEMBERS out and then locking the door.)
NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) His solution ...?
(HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN picks up a pillow from the bed.)
NARRATOR: (Voice-over.) ... Smothering you to death.
(HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN holds the pillow over the PATIENT's mouth. PATIENT twitches briefly before going still. HERMAN Q. ASSCRACK STAND-IN rubs his hands together fiendishly and skulks from the room. Cut to: CANDIDATE rushes into hospital room and, with eyes closed, places hands on PATIENT's chest. PATIENT jerks back to life. CANDIDATE turns to face the camera.)
CANDIDATE: My name is [insert your name here], and I approved this message.
(PATIENT sits up in bed, smiles, and shakes CANDIDATE's hand.)
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John Warner's new book, So You Want to Be President?, is available in bookstores.
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