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As the author of the definitive guide to running for the Oval Office, So You Want to Be President? (on sale now), I know at least as much about political campaigning as anyone else, which is to say, you should trust my opinion because it's mine. I have a few hard and fast rules about politics, the hardest and fastest of which is that, put simply, negative political advertising works. As anyone who has stood in front of a high-speed fan while someone dumped a bucket of manure into the blades can tell you, shit sticks.
In observing the 2008 campaign, I've noticed there's a certain staleness to the current crop of negative advertisements. Hillary Clinton recently recycled Walter Mondale's 1984 "Red Phone" ad in order to imply that Barack Obama's a heavy sleeper who might let a crisis call go to voicemail. So, as a public, nonpartisan service, I'll be creating a series of ready-to-produce scripts for negative political advertising that seek to freshen up the genre.
For illustration purposes, I'll be using a hypothetical opponent with a nondescript name, Herman Q. Asscrack. He's a United States senator.
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Gaslight
Action News.
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INT. TELEVISION NEWS STUDIO
(A NEWS ANCHOR sits at the anchor desk. A graphic of Herman Q. Asscrack is over her shoulder.)
NEWS ANCHOR: (With a mix of Walter Cronkite's authority and Marilyn Monroe's coquettishness.) Welcome back. Next, we go to reporter James Sanderson, who has been out gathering the impressions of regular people, who clearly aren't paid actors unable to find work in legitimate television, film, or even advertising, about presidential candidate Herman Q. Asscrack. James?
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET—DAY
(JAMES SANDERSON stands in front of AVERAGE AMERICAN WOMAN while holding a microphone.)
JAMES SANDERSON: I'm here with an average American woman, to ask her about her impressions of Herman Q. Asscrack. So, average American woman, what do you think of Herman Q. Asscrack?
AVERAGE AMERICAN WOMAN: Who? Never heard of him.
JAMES SANDERSON: He's a senator, and he's running for president.
AVERAGE AMERICAN WOMAN: Nope, doesn't ring a bell. Is this one of those prank shows? I don't have time for this crap.
(AVERAGE AMERICAN WOMAN moves on; JAMES SANDERSON intercepts AVERAGE AMERICAN MAN.)
JAMES SANDERSON: Excuse me, sir—what are your thoughts on Herman Q. Asscrack?
AVERAGE AMERICAN MAN: (Slightly confused.) My colon therapist? Why are you asking about my colon therapist?
JAMES SANDERSON: Never mind.
(AVERAGE AMERICAN MAN moves on and JAMES SANDERSON intercepts WOMAN WITH SPECTACULAR BREASTS.)
JAMES SANDERSON: Excuse me, miss, but can I ask you what you think of Herman Q. Asscrack?
WOMAN WITH SPECTACULAR BREASTS: (Excitedly.) He's my all-time favorite character from The Chronicles of Narnia.
JAMES SANDERSON: Thank you, miss.
(JAMES SANDERSON turns back to face the camera.)
JAMES SANDERSON: Well, it looks to me like no one can agree on exactly who Herman Q. Asscrack is. Now, back to the studio.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWS STUDIO
(NEWS ANCHOR back in the studio, looking into the camera.)
NEWS ANCHOR: Thanks, James; very interesting. It appears that, whoever Herman Q. Asscrack is, he isn't running for president, so it would be pretty silly to vote for him.
(Cut to: CANDIDATE standing in a field of tall grass, scratching behind the ear of a Labrador retriever.)
CANDIDATE: (Presidentially.) My name is [insert your name here], and I approved this message.
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