A R C H I V E S
MOST CENSORED PRESS RELEASES OF 1999
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Every day, publicists across the nation and world sit down to work, with
one simple goal in mind: to inform. In that pursuit, they tirelessly,
selflessly gather facts about the latest trends, products,
product-related trends, trend-related products, and barbecue-oriented
restaurants. After they gather this information, they take pains to
condense it all into a pleasing and easy-to-read format, and email or
fax it to the world's magazines and newspapers -- our so-called
information gatekeepers.
Then what? What do these gatekeepers do? [Narrator's voice now a
whisper] They ignore this information. They supress. They squash. They
censor. [Now agitated] And why? We do not know why. Maybe it's too hot,
this information. Is it too hot? Yes. That can be the only explanation.
Too hot. Hot! [Now calmer] But not for us. Here, the world's bottled-up
information is uncorked, is allowed to breathe, just like wine, which is
another thing that should be allowed to breathe, if you want it to taste
nice. Everyone knows that about wine. Allow at least twenty minutes of
breathing time before drinking.
Below please find the Most Censored Press Releases of 1999.
These press releases are real, and unedited; the credit and contact
information is also real, should you want to learn more about the
subject matter discussed. If you receive or hear about press releases
that have been censored, please email us at mcsweeneys@earthlink.net.
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World's Largest Origami Crane to Be Built at Dome (added 02/23/00)
MAYOR GIULIANI ANNOUNCES COWPARADE NEW YORK 2000 (added 02/23/00)
A Whole New Era in Urban Clothing Is About to Begin (added 12/23/99)
USA, Denmark and Australia Run Dead Heat As 'Happiest Country,' New Roper "Global Happiness Barometer" Reveals (added 12/23/99)
You Heard It Here First: Pork Rinds Offer Holiday Resolution Solution (added 12/23/99)
Not A Creature Was Stirring...Except Rister
LaMouse; Walking The Malls Creates Sore Feet While Surfing The Web Creates
Sore Wrists (added 12/23/99)
Roland Safari Theme Highlights
Exhibit Graphics Capabilities (added 12/23/99)
SIXTH GRADERS FIND $10,000 UNDER THE SEA (added 12/23/99)
$500 MILLION! KELLOGG'S POP-TARTS SET CONVENIENCE FOOD SALES RECORD (added 12/23/99)
HEINZ OPENS ITS SECOND INFANT FOODS UNIT IN CHINA AND PROJECTS FAST GROWTH FOR RECIPED JARRED FOODS (added 12/23/99)
EFOLLETT.COM AND PEAPOD TEAM UP TO SATISFY STUDENT SNACK ATTACKS (added 12/23/99)
BEEF BRANDS INTRODUCES ON-LINE MEAT MARKET (added 12/23/99)
A SPECIAL GIFT FOR NEW MILLENNIUM WHICH UPSETS BUCKINGHAM PALACE...
40% IN FOCUS GROUPS BELIEVE MESSAGES ARE FROM DIANA.... (added 12/13/99)
UC Berkeley archaeologist rebuilds
a Greek temple in Ancient Nemea
and puts a new face on Zeus (added 12/13/99)
ADVISORY/Photo of Cookie Toss to Crunch Hunger fundraising event is
available on BW PhotoWire/AP PhotoExpress, PressLink and Business Wire's Web
Site (added 12/02/99)
Y2K Fears Incite New National Holiday! Last Week of 1999 to Be Declared
"Millennium Hell Week." (added 12/02/99)
Track Data Announces No Press Release Today (added 12/02/99)
ALL GOD'S CREATURES ARE BLESSED TO BE PART OF THE
RADIO CITY CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR (added 12/02/99)
JCPenney Honors Laborers of Love in a Very Special Way (added 11/14/99)
evico Brings u Face 2 Face (added 11/14/99)
OPRAH Talks about Your Health (added 11/14/99)
The Salvation Army 1999 Allegheny County Christmas Calendar (added 11/14/99)
Beef Demand Shows Improvement After 20-Year Slide (added 11/14/99)
Sleep Superstitions Offer Fright and Delight This Halloween Season (added 10/31/99)
Packaging and Branding: Interbrand Wins 3 Awards for P&G's Eclipse and 2
For Kellogg's NutriGrain Twists Brands (added 10/31/99)
'Decade of Extremes' Celebrated on New Postage Stamps Honoring 1960's; Man
Walks on the Moon, Green (added 10/31/99)
The Sharper Image Reinvents the Crystal Ball With Q Ball(TM); Mysterious
Sphere Includes More Than 20 Mystic Characters and 140 Pearls of Wisdom (added 10/31/99)
It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, it's Colonel Sanders!
(added 10/31/99)
CAIR: Senator Uses Hit CBS Show to Push Sudan Legislation (added 10/31/99)
World's First Posthumous Email Service Sends Your 'Final Thoughts';
Dealing With Death is Easier When You Plan Ahead (added 10/31/99)
New medical device, Alpha-Stim¨ SCS can safely treat anxiety, depression and insomnia (added 10/31/99)
Toys 'R' Us Toy Guide for Differently Abled Kids Makes Holiday Shopping
Easier Than Ever for Children With Special Needs (added 10/31/99)
PIZZA HUT ROCKET DEMONSTRATES PROMOTIONAL USES OF OUTER SPACE (added 10/02/99)
Mattel Has Not Removed Butterfly Art Barbie Doll (added 10/02/99)
Bob Mock Named President Of Smokey Bones BBQ, Darden's Exciting New
Restaurant Venture (added 10/02/99)
Having a Bad Hair Day? Click of a Button Tests Out Millions of New Styles
On Computer (added 10/02/99)
Heinz Trademarks Turquoise (added 10/02/99)
Stress Stinks!; The Arrid 'Ex-Stress Yourself' Survey Reveals Mysteries
About Men, Women (added 10/02/99)
Sexy and Gray? 90% of Women and 75% of Men Say, 'Gray Hair Is Sexy!' (added 10/02/99)
Cyclists Make Better Lovers, Says BICYCLING Magazine (added 10/02/99)
YM Offers Up Its First Ever 'What's Hot?' Poll and Taps Into Today's Teen
Zeitgeist With... 'The Hot List' (added 10/02/99)
A Simple Skitch Can Go A Long Way (added 09/20/99)
From the Pork Information Bureau: Go Krazy for Kabobs (added 09/02/99)
Private Circle Fashionwear Makes Headlines in the UK (added 08/22/99)
The First Millennium Baby Doll is in its Gestation! (added 08/22/99)
URGENT! URGENT! URGENT! UREGENT[sic]! URGENT! URGENT! URGENT! (added 08/11/99)
CAT FANCY Magazine Announces America's Most Talented Cats! (added 08/11/99)
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.