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M C S W E E N E Y ' S N E W S This page will be updated occasionally, notifying readers of developments, special offers, etc. from McSweeney's. All offers are real, unless they are obviously not real. - - - - MARCH 26 - A week or so ago, McSweeney's posted a notice requesting help in our efforts to continue to do these things that we do here. We expected one or two offers of help, from orphans and recent widowers, or students at overpriced schools. We did not, please note, expect about 100 responses in under two days. Or even 50, which is about what we received. Deluged as we were, we have been truant in getting back to all you good people. But we will. Anyone who wants to work will be given work to do, just like they do in that one country. - Many subscribers, upon receiving McSweeney's Issue No. 2, have complained that, contrary to (what they have read as) our promise to inscribe each and every copy of McSweeney's, their copy of No. 2 has come blank, uninscribed. To clarify: the inscription-promise was made only on copies of McSweeney's Issue No. 1, because when it was published, the world was new and the subscriptions came at a pace that was keep-up-with-able. No longer. Because we had to mail so very many hundreds of copies of No. 2 all at once, there was of course no time to doodle in each, no matter how much (how very, very much) we wanted to. We are sorry for any inconvenience or sadness this may have caused. - The McSweeney's Representative is so far delighted with the results of his request for subscription trades with those working at or publishing their own provocative and essential trade magazine. We have so far made arrangements to receive the following:
Modern Tire Dealer (The Industry's Leading Publication) Auto Trim and Restyling News (Ideas and Solutions for Professionals) Plastics Technology: The ONLY Magazine for Plastics Processors ID: The Voice of Foodservice Distribution ChemicalWeek and a magazine called Toast, which we are told is about yeast. Please keep them coming. - STYLE NOTE: the phrase "snail-mail" will not be tolerated in any contexts, including letters from readers. For the McSweeney's Representative (M.R.), seeing that expression is like getting kicked in the head with a bloody, steel-tipped boot. Do not make us sad by using this expression. Do not say you are sending something via "snail-mail." Do not say you are sending something via "snailmail :)." These sorts of things make us sad. We want to be happy, not sad. - McSweeney's has thus far received no melons, as per our offer below. By now we expected to have received melons. - - - - AS OF MARCH 15: - McSweeney's is now sold out of the first issue. Unless. Unless you are willing to take a slightly damaged copy. McSweeney's has about 15 such copies of No. 1, the covers of which are bent, or have some kind of film on them -- most from being within firing range of the spray adhesive used to affix mailing labels to boxes -- or are just generally looking not-new. These copies are $4 apiece, half the cover price. New subscribers wanting to start their year with one of these slightly damaged copies should send us $24, rather than $28. - McSweeney's has for a long time looking for the author of a story called "Quiet Like Quiet." The text, which was very good, has been separated from its author's name. If you are the author, please contact us. - McSweeney's is currently encouraging short-short stories (under 300 words) starring, or featuring, or incorporating David Gergen. If you have stories with David Gergen in them, please send them along. If you have written a story that does not presently feature David Gergen, but which has a character whose name can be changed to David Gergen, please change this character's name to David Gergen and send it to us. We are looking for such stories. - If you are a school, or teach a class at a school, or are involved with buying things at something approximating a school, McSweeney's is offered at bulk rates. Contact us. - If you are a copy editor, and have found errors in the print version of McSweeney's, please write a lengthy, exasperated letter, detailing all the errors therein, and then, in the last paragraph, offer to be our new copy editor. This will do the trick. We'll think you spunky! You'll get the job! - Anyone who is successful in mailing, from out of state, a whole cantaloupe to the McSweeney's office will receive a free subscription. (RESTRICTIONS: Limited to the first five successful mailers. Employees and relatives of employees of McSweeney's are ineligible. This offer only good through March. This offer is very real.) - Anyone who is successful in mailing, from out of state, a whole watermelon to the McSweeney's office will receive a free two-year subscription. (RESTRICTIONS: Like with the cantaloupes, this offer is limited to the first five successful mailers. Employees and relatives of employees of McSweeney's are ineligible. This offer is also only good through March. This offer is also very real.) - - - -
The McSweeney's Representative (M.R.) is currently looking for any of the following, for which the sender will be compensated with a proportionate quantity of McSweeney's merchandise. These offers are real. - Books by Will Cuppy. It does not matter which. M.R. has been woefully unsuccessful in finding any of his books, which a very smart man has been urging us to read. Because they are good, they, like the very smart man's book's, are out of print. Send one book, get two free issues of McSweeney's. Send three in any condition and receive a free subscription. A complete set will be rewarded with a lifetime subscription (take that for what it is), with the first two issues inscribed with drawings of chairs, or three-legged dogs. - Any issues of The Progressive Grocer, a presumably now-defunct Reader's Digest-sized monthly for grocery store managers. Preferred are issues c. 1941-45, which contain strategies for keeping customers satisfied in the wake of wartime rationing. Each issue of Progressive Grocer will be rewarded with two issues of McSweeney's. - Any pre-1967 First Aid guide, with black-and-white line drawings and diagrams. One guide = two McSweeney's. - Socks. M.R. needs socks, preferably cotton, in dark, muted colors. But not black. And none of those weird ultra-thin "dress" socks. And no patterns. Just regular cotton socks. Ten pair = one subscription. That is all for now. - - - -
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