M c S W E E N E Y ' S N E W S .
This page will be updated occasionally, notifying readers of
developments, special offers, etc. from McSweeney's. All offers are
real, unless they are obviously not real.
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NOVEMBER 25
Well, we are in a tough spot. We only printed 7,500 copies of the latest
issue, and yet we have been having trouble distributing even those
copies. There are still about 400 copies sitting in the fourth-floor
hallway of McSweeney's Helping Person Diane Vadino. Because the
small-distribution game is run by people like us, things often work
rather slowly, especially in terms of meeting demand and keeping up with
sales trends. Every week we get at least 70 emails from people looking
for McSweeney's without luck, or from people who have visited a store
which has sold out of the journal. Meanwhile, we cannot get some
distributors, cautious to a fault, to take more than about 30 copies of
each issue, leaving a terrible gap between supply and demand. One of our
representatives recently returned from Chicago, where he could not find
a copy of the journal in pretty much the whole city — for example,
Quimby's had sold out, and Barbara's, which admitted to have gotten
"about 50 requests for it in the last week" had nevertheless not yet
ordered it. Ahem.
But something can be done about this. By you, the home reader.
Here is the plan, in six steps:
1. You enter your local bookstore. (Please dress nice.)
2. You ask someone working there for McSweeney's.
3. If he/she says they do not carry it, you tell them that they should
carry it. Direct them to one of the following distributors: Small
Changes, Desert Moon, Bernhard DeBoer, Doormouse, Austin News, Last Gasp
or Armadillo. Tell them that you and your active-in-book-buying friends
will not return to their store, or even pass by in their cars, until
they remedy the situation.
4. If they say that they carry McSweeney's but have sold out of it,
inquire why it is that they have not reordered it from their
distributor, seeing as if you and everyone who's anyone who's good
looking and well dressed is looking to get their hands on #3. If they
provide a reason for not reordering #3 so that it can be sold to the
people who are asking for it, tell them that their reason is a bad
reason. Tell them that at the moment, the neighbors of Ms. Diane Vadino
are pestering her about removing the 22 heavy, heavy boxes of
McSweeney's from their hallway, as these boxes, at over fifty pounds
each, threaten at any moment to plunge through the floor and maim all
those living below.
5. Walk briskly out and go home, smug in the knowledge that you have
done something nice for us, who have done so much for you and have never
asked for anything but your money in return.
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NOVEMBER 16
A few more submission guidelines:
QUALIFICATIONS:
We have previously requested information regarding your attainment of
(or lack of) an MFA. We have now realized how arbitrary and meaningless
such a request is in the judging of one's work. Thus, in the future,
please indicate not only from whence you received your MFA, but any and
all grades received there, any other writer's conferences attended,
complete transcripts of relevant critiques occurring there and
surrounding your work, your score on the GRE, your undergraduate alma
mater and GPA, any writing awards won in high school or at summer camp,
and recommendations of at least two creative writing instructors, one of
whom must be famous.
CONTENT:
We no longer need any lists. For a month or so, let's lay off the lists.
We are now soliciting very short stories involving:
- Former White House spokesperson Dee Dee Myers
- Giraffes who can fly
- Giraffes who can talk
- Naturally-occurring yellow things
All submissions will be more readily read if they contain or revolve
around one of the above elements. If you do not have an MFA and your
story does not involve Dee Dee, giraffes, or naturally-occurring yellow
objects, get in line. And do not roll your eyes like that.
ALSO:
We are also seeking an answer to the question: Why are whitecaps white?
The provider of the first or best answer to this question will receive
three drawings of boxes half-full of precious jewels, under skies full
of heads with hands for wings.
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