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Class Is Canceled
Until Further Notice
While I Do My Job“I realize you think that teaching IS my job, but there are many other aspects to being a professor. In the unlikely event that you are curious about what else a professor might have to do, here are a few of the issues that need my attention.” -
I Want to Go Out Like the Goodnight Moon Bunny
When I Die“I want to die, like that little bunny, just nestled up, a couple of kittens nearby, a bowl full of mush on the nightstand, and every inch of my vasculature coursing with diazepam.” -
Terms and Conditions Under Which I Will Accompany You to a Live Musical Event
“This Agreement is entered into between You, a Person Who Enjoys In-Person Entertainment (hereinafter ‘Fan’), and Me, an Introvert Who Avoids Crowds, Noise, and Congregated Delight (‘Non-fan’).” -
If I Had Been in the 1991 Movie Point Break Instead of Keanu Reeves
GARY BUSEY: They’ve robbed twenty-six banks in three years. And all we know about them is one thing: They’re surfers. You need to learn to surf, infiltrate the local scene, and find out exactly who these guys are.
ME: Great. I’ll get a boogie board. -
Short Imagined Monologues
The CamelBak Languishing in the Back of Your Cabinet Would Like a Word
“What does Stanley have that I don’t? Is his straw bigger than mine? A lot has been made of his endurance. Apparently, he’s virtually indestructible and can survive a fire. To which I say: Okay? Who are you, Bear Grylls?”
Trending
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March 20, 2024I Am the New York Times’ Paywall, and If I Let Any Non-Subscribers in, They’ll Kill My Family
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March 14, 2024Boeing Announces New Safety Policy: “Fuck It, We Ball”
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March 14, 2024MTA New York City Subway BINGO
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March 6, 2024Gen Z Beowulf
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March 10, 2022How to Reverse Declining History Major Enrollment Numbers, Which Are All the Faculty’s Fault
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January 20, 2021Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1 – 1,056
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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March 25, 2024Sorry Not Sorry: Why Apologies Aren’t Miracles
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March 22, 2024Been There, Smelled That: Can You Smell What I Smell in Iceland?
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March 20, 2024If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, Would I Have Been More Christian and Less Black?
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March 18, 2024Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Into the Tunnel of Uncertainty
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March 15, 2024Letters to Moms: A Letter to Marmee March
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March 13, 2024Chronicles of a Catsitter: Up Harlem Hill
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March 12, 2024An Excerpt from Pierre La Police’s Classic Comic Masters of the Nefarious
News & Announcements
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“A key barometer of the literary climate.” —The New York Times
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Winner of the John Newbery Medal. "Here is a book that is truly for all ages, as only the best stories are."
—Isaac Fitzgerald, The Today Show (author's pick) -
“This book is a magic trick. The kind of magic trick where you want to know how to do it so you can also write a book this good.”
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“Ahmed Naji confronts what happens when one’s fundamentally unserious, oversexed youth dovetails with an authoritarian, utterly self-serious regime.”
—Zadie Smith
Recent Posts
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March 25, 2024A Good Man Is Hard to Find, Charlie Brown
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March 22, 2024What Your Favorite Stephen Sondheim Song Says About You, Act II
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March 22, 2024The Wong-Baker Pain Rating Scale Adjusted for Ghostbusting
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March 22, 2024TikTok Is a Threat to Our Extremely Normal Media Ecosystem
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March 21, 2024What I Imagine Would Happen If I Went on Naked and Afraid
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