We live in a dangerous world. One moment, you could be walking along a quiet city sidewalk, and the next, you could be crushed by a falling piano. Or, you might be minding your own business at night, harmlessly following a neighborhood teenager in your car, getting out of your car, giving him a friendly wave with your 9mm pistol, and before you know it, that teenager might be beating you up. Yes, the world can be extremely unpredictable, and you never know who the good guys and bad guys are. That is why, for your own safety, it is important to profile the people around you based on stereotypes and broad generalizations, and then act on your assumptions before considering their merits in the context of the situation.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he looks. For example, we all know that most black men in this country are violent criminals because they commit a disproportionate percentage of all violent crimes. Therefore, when approaching a black man on the streets, we should assume that he is a violent criminal and avoid him. Or, if you happen to live in Florida, shoot him. Similarly, because white men commit a disproportionate percentage of securities fraud, we should assume that all white men are crooks and ban them from working in financial institutions. White men, as we know, are born with an innate proclivity to committing securities fraud, and to place them in an environment where they are tempted each and every day to do so is simply asking for trouble.

There are other dangerous groups of people we should be profiling as well. Straight people commit a disproportionate percentage of hate crimes against gay people and so all heterosexuals should all be considered hateful bigots unless they can prove otherwise. Men, to give you an even more frightening example, commit a disproportionate percentage of violence against other men, women, children, animals, and inanimate objects, and so therefore, we should not allow any man near any other person or thing without at least performing a thorough background check. There are so many more examples I could give. Conservatives are more likely to commit tax fraud, expecting mothers are more likely to steal merchandise from maternity stores, and little people are more likely to commit crimes that involve hiding in tight spaces. These people have proven time and time again that they simply cannot be trusted.

Some people might argue that in order to reduce crime and violence, it is necessary to make systemic changes to address economic inequality, improve cultural education, and expand access to vital social resources. But those people are called liberals, and liberals are more likely to have IQs below 70. The plain fact is that if someone belongs to a group that, statistically speaking, is more likely to commit a crime, it is our right, in fact, our duty, to assume that person is a criminal and treat him as such. If you belong to one of these groups and you are not a criminal, it is not my responsibility to change my perception of you as a criminal. No, it is your responsibility to change your behavior so that I am not suspicious of you. If you are white and don’t want me to assume that you are embezzling money from a large corporation, then stop acting so… white. If you are a man and don’t want me to assume that you are a woman/man/child/inanimate object-abuser, stop acting so… manly. If you are black and you don’t want me to assume that you are a criminal, then you should dress in tight-fitting, pastel-colored clothing, walk slowly (but not too slowly), and speak cheerfully into your Bluetooth phone in an impeccable British accent. The point is, you are the one who needs to change, not me.

Dangerous people are everywhere you look. The kid at the bus stop wearing baggy jeans might be a drug dealer, your accountant might be a thief; and that Vietnamese woman who bags your groceries? She’s the head of an underground human trafficking cartel. Someone might look harmless when you first see them, but follow anyone around long enough, holding your gun, and they start to act real suspicious: nervously glancing back at you, walking funny, and frantically whispering into their phone. And at that point, it is your right and your responsibility to confront that person, gun in hand, and prepare to stand your ground against whatever happens next.